Is Justin Bieber Still A Fuckboy? An Investigation

Today is Justin Bieber’s birthday, and birthdays are a perfect time for reflection. Justin is 24 now, but has he really grown up at all? It’s a perfect time to look back on the past year in Justin’s life, and ask the all-important question: is Justin Bieber a fuckboy? Obviously he was in the past, but does time really heal all wounds? Let’s see.

Justin didn’t put out new music of his own in the last year, but he was featured in a few big songs, most notably “Despacito.” Justin sings in Spanish on the song, but we were unsurprised to learn that he didn’t really know the words at all. Lots of people took offense at Justin supposedly mocking Hispanic culture, which is definitely something a fuckboy would do. We’re just getting started, and already it’s not looking good for Justin.

Fuckboy Points: +1

Last summer was a weird one for Justin Bieber. He was still on his Purpose World Tour, but he announced in July that he was canceling the rest of the tour dates due to mysterious “unforeseen circumstances.” His manager posted on Instagram saying that the dates were canceled to protect Justin’s “soul and well-being” and John Mayer also came to his defense. As much as it sucks for the fans, mental health is incredibly important, and we don’t know all the details of what Justin was going through. Unfortunate, but not a fuckboy move.

Fuckboy Points: -1

Soon after canceling the tour, Justin found comfort in the form of the Lord Jesus Christ. Lol same. He started spending a lot of time with his creepy hipster Pastor Carl Lentz, and he also got a cross tattoo on his fucking face. There were even rumors that Justin and Pastor Carl were ~romantically involved~ but I guess it just wasn’t what the Lord intended. So is Justin a fuckboy for Christ? Through God, all things are possible.

Fuckboy Points: +1

All of this other stuff is great, but clearly the most important thing that happened to Justin Bieber this year was his much-publicized reunion with Selena Gomez. Selena dumped The Weeknd sometime back in October, and within days had apparently rekindled her flame with Justin. They started going to church together (so pure!), which was just what they needed to go back to the way things were.

Fuckboy Points: 0 (Getting back with your ex while she’s on the rebound is undoubtedly a fuckboy move, but Church seems (dare I say) wholesome, so they cancel each other out.

But Selena’s mom wasn’t having it. Mama Mandy didn’t invite Justin to the Gomez family Christmas in Texas, and she was reportedly even hospitalized over the stress of her daughter getting back with him. While all of this is evidence that Selena’s mom is a huge fucking drama queen, does it mean that Justin is also a fuckboy? Yes. Yes it does.

Fuckboy Points: +1

Wowzers

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

So, is Justin Bieber a fuckboy? For those of you with basic arithmetic skills, you’ll notice our final fuckboy points count is at two, which is more than zero, which points to fuckboy status. I have nothing personal against Justin (slide into my DMs anytime), but if your girlfriend’s mom is so scarred from the relationship that she’s going to the hospital, you probably did something wrong. In the past five years, Justin has given us plenty of evidence that he’s a major fuckboy, and people don’t change overnight. He may have a beautiful, tatted body and the voice of an angel, but don’t be fooled. Justin Bieber is still a fuckboy, sorry ’bout it.

Images: Giphy (3); Justin Bieber / Instagram

10 Random Things You Forgot Paris Hilton Did

As someone who grew up in the 2000s at the height of celebrity socialite culture, Paris Hilton is basically my Jesus. I don’t go to church, but if Paris Hilton started a cult, I know I’d probably drink the Kool-Aid. If Scott Disick is the Lord, then Paris is the Virgin Mary. Or something. Do I sound crazy? Sorry, I’m just a little busy respecting my elders over here.

Tomorrow, February 17, is Queen Paris’ birthday, and she’ll be 37 years old. She clearly either has good genes or good doctors, because she truly doesn’t look a day over 30. Paris, call me, I want to ask you some questions about your skincare regimen. As a special tribute for her special day, we decided to take a look back at some of her most random, ridiculous, extra moments. If Paris Hilton is anything, she’s extra as FUCK. This woman has absolutely no fucks to give, and why should she? She’s rich, she’s hot, she’s popular. Okay, if we went to school together she definitely wouldn’t have been friends with me. Either way, here are all the random reasons we love Paris Hilton.

1. She Had A TV Show To Find A Best Friend

Paris Hilton

Okay, we love Paris, but, like, who does this? It’s actually the most extra thing we can imagine. You also can’t forget about when she did a version in England to find her British BFF, because everyone should have at least one best friend in every country. Really, we’re just happy Tinkerbell had a say in the matter.

2. She And Nicole Richie Agreed To Do ‘The Simple Life’

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on The Simple Life

I’m honestly still in awe that this show ever happened. I’d love to know exactly what made these two rich betches from LA sign up to live on a farm and do manual labor, because I would need a lot of money to do that and I’m poor af to begin with. Just remember, you can call me Princess Paris or Bitch, nothing else.

3. And Then She Agreed To Do Four More Seasons

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on The Simple Life

But like, thank God this show happened. It never gets old, and the gifs are seriously great. There’s nothing else that’s quite as early 2000s as The Simple Life, from the crispy hair and fake tans to the legitimately awful video quality. Seriously, what did we do before HD TVs were invented?

4. She Attempted A Music Career In 2006

Okay, now I’m going to have “Stars Are Blind” on repeat for the rest of the day. Paris Hilton might not be a gifted vocalist, and I’m still not convinced she didn’t just hire Gwen Stefani for the vocals and not tell anyone, but you can’t claim that this song isn’t at least moderately catchy. The music video is blissfully grainy, truly allowing Paris to live her vintage lounge singer fantasy.

5. And Then She Revived That Music Career On Valentine’s Day This Year

Why aren’t more people talking about this??? Paris Hilton celebrated her first Valentine’s Day as an engaged woman by dropping a music video for a new song, which is basically just her speak-singing for three minutes about how much she loves her man. Our favorite part is when she’s posed on a couch (shaped like lips, natch) next to a Birkin bag. She’s a motherfucking icon.

6. She Traveled The World As A DJ

Paris Hilton

No DJ set is complete without Chanel gloves, obvs. Paris is famous for her yearly summer DJ residence in Ibiza, where she shoots foam into a crowd of coked-up European tourists who probably don’t even realize that it’s her. She’s also DJ’d in India and Mykonos, because, like, same. It’s unclear how serious she is about being an actual DJ, but we’re here for the fantasy.

7. She Made Kim Kardashian Organize Her Entire Closet

Kim Kardashian organizing Paris Hilton closet

You literally can’t get further from the Kim of 2018 than hearing her say, “Yes, Paris,” to Paris’s demands. Kim must honestly be haunted by the fact that her hard labor was caught on camera, but she worked her way up. Paris, meanwhile, probably has a messy-ass closet, unless she’s found some other desperate celebrity wannabe to organize it for her. I wonder what Jonathan Cheban is doing…

8. Paris Hilton Literally Gave Birth to Kim Kardashian

Paris Hilton

The Kardashians should probably write Paris a big fat check if they don’t want the Hilton mafia at their door. And by the Hilton mafia, I basically just mean Kyle and Kim Richards. Did you know they’re related to Paris? Because they only manage to mention it like ten times per episode of RHOBH. Love ya girlies, hope Kim is doing okay.

9. She’s Made Like, 100 Different Perfumes

#ValentinesDay is almost here! Get the perfect #Valentine Gift for your love???? My new @RoseRushFragrance! A sexy bottle with the most beautiful scent! ???? (Link in bio☝️)

A post shared by Paris Hilton (@parishilton) on

Do we think Rosé Rush is edible as well? I’ve never thought about the possibilities of a combination wine/perfume, but honestly it would make sense. Paris has also recently branched out into making fragrances for men, because what self-respecting man wouldn’t want to buy a bottle of Paris Hilton cologne? She’s giving the gays everything they want this year.

10. She Made “That’s Hot” Hot

Paris Hilton That's Hot

Is it bad that now I kind of want a trucker hat? I’m still not sure I’m feeling those sunglasses, but Paris must have sent Von Dutch’s trucker hat sales through the roof. I still say “that’s hot” at least 17 times in daily conversation, because what the fuck else would I say? We love a legend.

So happy birthday to Paris, and god bless her extra shit. She’s a pop culture icon, and if you disagree then literally why are you on this website? We don’t know what Paris’s birthday wish will be, but we’re wishing that Nicole Richie will text her on her birthday, that she’ll have a beautiful flawless wedding, and that all her millions of miniature pets will have another year of good health. Also seriously, what skincare products does she use?

Images: Giphy (7); @parishilton / Instagram

10 Times Nicki Minaj’s Shade Was Too Much To Handle

Today is Nicki Minaj’s 34th birthday, and the day wouldn’t have been complete without honoring this true queen. Over the years, she’s given us countless iconic songs, looks, and performances, but the thing she maybe does best is being shady and savage AF. Here’s a look at some of the most important Nicki moments ever, because she’s really given us so much.

1. The time she basically ended Miley Cyrus’ life while accepting a VMA.

Miley What's Good

2. How she spent an entire season of American Idol throwing shade at Mariah Carey.

Nicki Minaj

3. When she used an acceptance speech to casually address the fact that Iggy Azalea might use a ghostwriter.

Nicki Minaj

4. When Taylor Swift tried to get some attention and Nicki shut that shit down.

Nicki Minaj Taylor Swift Tweet

5. When Nicki’s ex Meek Mill dissed her at a concert and the subtweets came literally seconds later.

Nicki Minaj Subtweets

6. When she offered this very real critique of the patriarchy.

Nicki Minaj Tweets

7. When she definitely gave Drake the worst blue balls of all time.

Anaconda Nicki Minaj Drake Lap Dance

8. When she called out Andy Cohen on his own show.

Nicki Minaj

9. The Remy Ma feud that’s lasted a full decade and given us like, 12 diss tracks.

Nicki Minaj

10. When she literally ended our lives.

Nicki Minaj

Happy birthday Queen, don’t take shit from anybody today.

7 Times Chrissy Teigen Was All Of Us In Honor Of Her Birthday

Hear ye, hear ye. It is a holy day in betchy history: Chrissy Teigen’s 32nd birthday. When Chrissy Teigen first became famous, initially we all thought she was just another hot swimsuit model. Which, to be clear, is admirable in and of itself. But then we noticed that not only is Chrissy beautiful, but she’s also funny af. She criticizes Trump on Twitter (before getting blocked), she pokes fun at herself and her husband, she eats chicken nuggets, she’s an amazing cook… basically, Chrissy Teigen is all of us (minus the cooking part). So in honor of her 32nd birthday, here are all the times she was literally the most relatable person on the planet.

1. When She Made This Face At The Golden Globes

Chrissy Teigen

Anyone who’s even watched The Golden Globes (anyone?) in their pajamas in the comfort of their own home can relate to this feeling, let alone having to dress up and not eat throughout the whole thing. So I can understand this general sentiment. Chrissy made this face when her husband John Legend won an award for his song in Selma, which is kind of perplexing given the context. What’s not perplexing, however, it that this is an extremely relatable face for many occasions, like when my boss asks me to do anything or when I sexted a guy because I was bored and now he really expects me to do the things I told him I wanted to do.

2. When She Made This Other Face At The Oscars

Chrissy Teigen Oscars

Chrissy made this face in response to Chris Rock bringing Stacey Dash up for a Black History Month cameo. I understand if you repressed that moment from your conscious memory, because it was extremely awkward for all involved. This is me viewing my drunken Snap stories from the night before. It’s me when I look at the calorie count of one slice of avocado toast. It’s me when a guy matches me and his profile says he’s under 5’7″. It’s me at most times, tbh.

3. When She DGAF About The Kids

Chrissy Teigen Tweet

Yeah, MIKE. Go Chrissy for not giving a shit about random-ass internet fools who take every single thing a person they’ve never even met does personally.

4. When She Offered This Very Astute Television Commentary

Chrissy Teigen Tweet

Yes. Anyone who acts superior to people who love reality TV can fight me. So, my dad can fight me.

5. When She Fell Asleep At The Oscars

Chrissy Teigen

Do I even need to explain the importance of this? No. No, I do not.

6. When She Tweeted This

Chrissy Teigen

If you’ve never said this but not about selfies, you’re either boring or we would not have fun together.

7. When She Wouldn’t Let John Legend Break Up With Her

John Legend Tried To Dump Chrissy Teigen

Again, this is fucking iconic and an inspiration. Do you hear that, ladies? Breaking up isn’t a decision. It’s an option, and you can always say no.

Thank you Chrissy, for your contributions to humanity. We love you. Never change.