Over the weekend, Whitney Port became the newest member of The Hills mommy club, giving birth to a baby boy. Whitney always loved keeping up with the trends, so it makes perfect sense that she has a baby just like everyone else.

The baby’s name is Sonny Sanford Rosenman, and he probably already manages a hedge fund. We’re definitely a bit skeptical about the name Sonny, but we’re going to assume there’s some kind of significance there, otherwise why are you literally naming your son a longer version of the word son? Sonny is what your alcoholic uncle calls you when he pats you on the shoulder and is about to give you a very graphic sex talk. Who knows, but Whitney’s husband’s name is Timmy, so maybe they’re used to names that sound like nicknames. Seriously, no one over the age of 16 should be going by Timmy.

Along with a heartfelt Instagram post about how excited she is to be a mommy, Whitney also posted a picture of her with Sonny on her website. We can’t really see enough of the baby to know whether he’s cute or ugly, but Whitney of course looks perfect in some flowy floral kimono or something and the clearest skin we’ve ever seen. Whitney, what’s your secret? Asking for a friend.

He’s SO cute!!!!! https://t.co/Gpm6QOHKP8

— JWOWW (@JENNIWOWW) July 31, 2017

Congrats to Whitney on her little bundle of joy, now let’s hope that he figures out a good nickname for himself so he doesn’t get beat up at school!

Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:

10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)

I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you, Areola Dusty Rose.

9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)

I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.

^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.

8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)

Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:

7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)

Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?

6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)

We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?

5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)

SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.

4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)

As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.

3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)

A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.

2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)

Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!

1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)

I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.

Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.

Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*

Me:

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From the moment Blue Ivy Carter was born, we knew it was only a matter of time before she took over the world. Now she’s five years old, which makes us feel ancient, and she’s starting to come out of her shell. We’ve spent a lot of time wondering, will she be more like Bey, or more like Jay? On the one hand, her resemblance to Jay Z is striking. On the other, her personal style clearly mimics that of her mother. Probably because her mother dresses her, but I think we know that when Blue’s personal style will be off the chain (once she learns how to tie her shoes). Well, now we have even more proof that Blue Ivy is Beyoncé’s mini me when, over the weekend, she performed in a dance recital at her school. How do we know this? Because the video got leaked.

Sidebar: If you’re the person leaking 5-year-olds’ dance recital videos, maybe rethink your life?

We’d like to imagine that Beyoncé was videotaping in the aisle like Amy Poehler during “Jingle Bell Rock”, but realistically this video was taken by some rando older brother who knew he could sell it to TMZ. 

Blue looks great in the video, and it comes as no surprise that she’s front and center in the dance. Like, there’s no way that dance teacher is going to make Blue the Michelle of the dance class. Beyoncé’s flesh and blood is not a fucking backup dancer, make no mistake. We’re a little confused why Blue got to wear her hair down while everyone else’s is up in a neat bun, but she was probably like, “Fuck that, I am literally the spawn of a legend, get that ponytail holder out of my face.”

We’re not exactly sure what this dance was supposed to be, because there’s a lot going on. The little girls are wearing pink leotards with huge tutus, as if they’re the next crop of ballerinas getting shipped off to Russia. But they’re dancing to “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire, which doesn’t really make us think of ballet. This is seriously some Big Little Lies shit, so we’re basically lucky no one got punched. Honestly, knowing Blue (and I do know Blue) this whole thing is probably a semi-autobiographical piece of statement art based on her relationship with James Z, the boy who sits next to her in reading circle. I mean, realistically they should’ve just done the “Single Ladies” dance and been done with it, but I guess that’s “not appropriate for children” or whatever. 

The girls generally know the moves to the song, but they all look just a little bit drunk and lost. *Sings ‘Drunk and Lost’ to the tune of ‘Drunk In Love’* *Feels pride* So yes, Blue Ivy may look more like her father, but her personality is all Bey. As far as the twins go, we’ll have to wait and see, but if the response to their conception is any indication, those two are definitely going to have Jay-Z level egos. 

Natalie Portman, black swan of our hearts and arguably one of the most perfect people on the planet, is a new mother again. In a classic A-list move, she had the baby on February 22 but waited over a week to tell anyone about it, because privacy or some bullshit. Natalie Portman’s daughter was born just four days before the Oscars, which explains why Natalie wasn’t there, even though she was nominated for Jackie and probs would’ve looked stunning.

Her new baby is a little girl named Amalia Millepied, which is a pretty name but with a name like that it kind of sounds like she could grow up to be psychotic and like, key a guy’s car if he does her wrong. We’re into it. It’s her second kid, after her son Aleph in 2011. It’s pretty disappointing that she didn’t also name her daughter after a letter in the Hebrew alphabet—we were personally rooting for Gimel—but whatever. Tbh if you want your future son to find a hot Jewish wife, have a kid now so they’re in Amalia’s age group.

Really we’ve never quite gotten over the fact that Natalie married the choreographer from Black Swan, Benjamin Millepied—aside from the fact that his last name conjures up some serious insect horror movie vibes. Like sure he’s good-looking and French and probably insanely flexible, but didn’t he like, abuse her while they were making the movie? It’s none of our business really, which is exactly why we care so much.

So now it’s time for Natalie to get her body back, which for her probably consists of like one pilates class a week and some intense stretching. She’s always been a skinny bitch, so it should only be a matter of weeks until shitty tabloids are starting anorexia rumors about her again.

Best of luck to Natalie and baby Amalia, and we better see some cute baby pictures soon.