It’s no secret that dating in this day and age is one long waking nightmare challenging. Keeping the faith can be hard when you find yourself being ghosted by yet another f*ckboy whose overconfidence is in direct proportion to his staggering mediocrity. So when you get to the point where you’re looking for outside advice, the hope is that it will be hopeful and/or helpful. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and we feel it’s our sworn duty here at Betches to expose the advice that is egregiously awful. Read on for the worst dating advice of 2019.
1. Asinine Astrological Assumptions
I have to start by saying that I love astrology and use my sign to justify the worst parts of my personality many of my decisions. Gotta love Scorpio season! That said, astrology, and especially sun signs, cannot be used to make generalizations about an entire population. But that didn’t stop our friends at Refinery29 from doing exactly that with a piece describing what all Tauruses are like in bed. The article claims that because Tauruses are more in touch with their sense of smell, “if you smell bad, you’re not going to get it on with a Taurus.” Wouldn’t we all agree that smelling good is a prerequisite for… all of us? The article goes on to advise the reader to moisturize, of all things, “because Tauruses might be turned off by dry or leathery skin.” I guess now I can blame the dry (see what I did there?) spell I had for the better part of 2013 on my eczema. Lastly, the reader is urged to cook “a meal…(especially while wearing lingerie).” Okay, so in order to bag a bull I need to wear perfume, moisturize, and cook dinner in my lingerie. In other words, advice I could have gotten from any remotely heterosexual male of any astrological sign. Grool.
2. To Catch A Curator
On the heels of Jennifer Lawrence’s recent marriage to Cooke Maroney, Elle is now advising its readers to date Curators. If you’re wondering WTF that means, a Curator is described as “he kind of guy you can discuss post-humanism with over pizza, who comments on the decor while ordering you a cab but letting you split the bill.” Hot. Personally, this just sounds like a cheaper and slightly more pretentious version of every tool I’ve ever dated. To make matters worse, their “sensitivity” does not save them from their inevitable fate as trash: “A Curator may still ghost you, but it’s probably because he’s doing something legitimately interesting with his time, like scouting in the foothills of the Himalayas.” So it’s okay for a guy to bail on you in the name of “art”? GTFO.
3. Moonlight As Your Crush’s Personal Assistant
When you do come across someone you don’t immediately hate on sight like, it may be difficult to summon the courage to let them know. I don’t profess to be a professional pickup artist, but I’m pretty sure that the following advice from Glamour on how to tell your crush you like them might leave the person on the receiving end wondering if you’re vying for a spot on their payroll:
“5. Notice when their glass is empty, and always offer to fill it up or get them another.
- Offer to hold their purse/bag/coat/cup.
- Remember what their drink is without having to ask. Order it for them.
- Offer to drive them to the airport.
- Assume they want coffee and bring them one. Learn how they take it first.”
Don’t get me wrong. Thoughtfulness is next to godliness in my book, but you should not have to go out of your way to do someone’s chores to get them to like you. I legitimately had to check the date this article was published. Surely, the 1950s? Nope, 2019.
4. Link Up On LinkedIn
Cosmo is known for some pretty ridiculous sex and dating advice, and we’ve certainly covered them here before, but this latest nugget of dating wisdom deserves mention. Let’s start with the title: “LinkedIn Is The Best Platform To Slide Back Into Your Ex’s DMs.” As a threshold matter, it’s rarely advisable to reconnect with an ex. If it didn’t work out the first dozen times, attempting to reconnect, regardless of the platform, starts to look like the living embodiment of the definition of insanity. It’s also really transparent. Unless you work in the same industry as your ex and could credibly network with them for a job opportunity, testing the waters with a LinkedIn message when you could just as easily text them with the number you already have is hardly subtle, and frankly, kind of bizarre. If you’re using LinkedIn because, like the author of the article, “you’re probably blocked on everything else,” perhaps you ought to take some time to work on yourself instead of trolling for men on a professional networking platform. Just a thought.
5. Settle Into Settling
If you are lucky enough to find someone you’re serious about, you may have doubts about whether he or she is “the one” and what it means to settle. Earlier this year, Refinery29 published a piece that I hoped would upend the false notion that comfort and security equal “settling” and that one must pursue a relationship that thrives on “butterflies” and insecurity. Instead, the article seems to promote settling for a connection completely devoid of any spark in order to avoid being alone: “I didn’t settle for the first person that came along, but I am so glad that in my 30s I’m not out there looking for someone, going on dates with strangers, and so on.” While your perfect mate may not end up being who you thought they’d be, a baseline level of connection should not be compromised out of fear. A relationship will never be exciting all of the time, but it should always be fulfilling. If the premise of the article is to be believed, we can all give up this dating game altogether and bring blowup dolls with us to dinner. So inspiring!
Advice, however well-intentioned, is usually subjective and not universally applicable. As we’ve seen today, it can sometimes be downright dumb. Do what works for and feels right to you and leave the rest where you found it. Any other gems I missed? Please sound off in the comments!
Images: Hian Oliveira / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
The internet continues to collectively lose its sh*t over Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale and their 20-year age gap. They’ve been mum about their relationship status—our only non-paparazzi confirmation is Beckinsale coyly clapping back via Instagram comments. So, like, how the hell did this happen?
I’ll admit it: I’m charmed by Scorpio and SNL regular Pete Davidson—Ariana Grande’s infamous tweet confirming his BDE might have something to do with it. If BDE (“Big Dick Energy” for those of you living on a limited data plan in your mom’s basement) isn’t one of the first things you think when you hear Scorpio, you’re either lying or you’ve been jaded by one.
Let’s recover our jaws from the floor and ask the actual hard-hitting questions (because what kind of astrologer would I be otherwise?): Will it last? Is she a rebound? Are their birth charts actually compatible—or is BDE all to blame?
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Hello, Sexual Tension
Astrologically speaking, there’s blatant tension with this pair. Kate’s a Leo, the zodiac’s over-the-top attention-seeker and a fire sign, and Pete’s a Scorpio, a more silent, brooding, mysterious water sign. Leos and Scorpios are both known for being stubborn af—not exactly what you’d call a match made in heaven. Take J.Lo and Diddy for example—the ultimate Leo-Scorpio mash-up, and a totally sexy flop.
The Leo-Scorpio couple oozes sex—they’re passionate and fiery. After the first one-night stand—er, first date—the sexual tension is palpable. It’s easier to bang away our differences than talk about them, right? And while this makes for serious foreplay initially, turns out that’s not what sustains relationships. (Contrary to popular f*ckboy belief. But, I digress.)
So while it’s fair to say Pete and Kate are enjoying some raunchy Cruel Intentions-level sexcapades right now, over time the glaring differences in their personality could be a source of conflict. But when comparing their birth charts, the screenshot of where all the planets were in the sky at the exact moment you were born, it’s easy to see what led the pair to give it a go beyond the BDE.
There are serious healing contacts between some of the planets in their birth charts that could cause each of them to feel that their meeting is fated. One in particular has to do with an ancient asteroid, Chiron, that represents our deepest wounds that we carry with us through our lives. Interesting things can happen when Chiron intersects with certain planets, namely Venus—the planet that rules our style of love. (Basically Venus is that Love Language book that every sorority girl was obsessed with in 2010.)
Pete’s Chiron coincidentally links up directly with Kate’s Venus. The connection between these two personal points reveals a massive potential for healing love-related wounds, and unparalleled common ground for understanding each other’s expression of love and past hurt. Yes, you guessed it: this is the perfect rebound aspect. They feel drawn toward one another and recognize a potential healing connection.
Thank U, What’s Next?
While the duo is likely basking in a period of seriously hot sex, with a dash of mind-blowing emotional intimacy, we’re all wondering how long this is going to last. Keep your eyes on the tabloids around February 19, when there’s a full moon in Virgo. Kate happens to have her love planet in the sign of Virgo. The full moon is going to be lit af for her love life.
Don’t care about the Kate Beckinsale/Pete Davidson relationship publicity stunt.
IS HIS SHIRT WHITE OR BLUE??
This is the new Yanny vs. Laurel and the blue/black vs white and gold dress pic.twitter.com/VIi2VVz9KU
— AL (@MissSchliez) February 2, 2019
If anyone can tame and charm a Scorpio, it’s the queen of the Underworld franchise herself. But remember, full moons bring about completed cycles, sudden change, and, often, endings. It’s a make-it-or-break-it milestone. The pair will either make it more official, or they’ll split. Regardless, both will have a life-altering, sensitive point in their charts activated. And for that, they’ll be so thankful.
Images: Shutterstock; misschliez / Twitter; sluttypuffin, the_nri_times / Instagram