Celebrities are like, so relatable, what with their vacations and skin care routines and day-to-day 9-5 jobs. They totally live in the real world, except when it comes to marriage. Honestly, can you think of any family or friends that have gotten hitched and within a month or less, have called it quits? How about three months? A year? Maybe you can think of like, a few, but hopefully it’s not everyone you know. Quickie marriages in Hollywood, however, are pretty standard, and they’re much more common than you’d think. For instance, who knew Eddie Murphy was on the list of shortest celebrity marriages? Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, of course, are included, but who could forget the 100 or so day marriage of American royalty Kid Rock and Pam Anderson? There are so many brief celebrity marriages we don’t know about, and so many hilarious reasons why these unions lasted about as long as my interest in a story that doesn’t involve me personally.
While this list isn’t all-inclusive of all the shortest celebrity marriages (that I am classifying as ones that ended after less than 130 days), it highlights some of our favorite idiots and their stupid decisions so that we can point, laugh, and judge.
Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 hours
— HappilyEverBorrowed (@Happilyborrowed) March 27, 2014
Lest we forget, Britney had quite the fiasco in Vegas after marrying and, less than three days later, divorcing some dude with the same name as the guy who plays George on Seinfeld. It would have been SIGNIFICANTLY funnier if she had actually married that Jason Alexander, if you ask me.
Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor and Count Felipe de Alba, two old school Hollywood weirdos who were married for one full day, Britney hit us (one more time…sorry) with the shortest celebrity marriage of all time. Congrats, Brit. We knew you were good for something. Back in 2004, Britney and her childhood friend Jason were partying in Vegas when they decided marriage sounded like a GREAT idea (clearly Britney never watched Friends, or she would have known this was a terrible idea). But, after just 55 hours and a metric sh*tload of media coverage, the ceremony was promptly annulled, leaving Brit to marry one Kevin Federline, dancer extraordinaire and human sponge.
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike: 4 days
— Nexter.org (@Nexter_org) April 6, 2019
Nicolas Cage gives me night terrors, and apparently leaves his divorce lawyers screaming and in rage blackouts, too. Just a few weeks ago, Cage got himself into the list of shortest celebrity marriages thanks to a four day fiasco with Erika Koike, a makeup artist he’d been dating since April 2018.
My favorite part of this whole thing isn’t the quickie wedding in Vegas on March 23 of this year, or the trip to get it annulled four days later. No, no—it’s that the couple were caught arguing on camera when they went to apply for their marriage license just one week before. According to People, “Cage is heard saying, ‘I’m not doing it’ to Koike as she responds, ‘I never asked you to.’ They received their marriage certificate the same day, court records show.” Nic also made the list back in 2002, when he divorced Lisa Marie Presley after just 107 days of marriage.
Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman: 9 days
1998 called and wants its odd celebrities back. For those of you born in the late ’90s and 2000s, Carmen Electra was our Kim Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman was our Post Malone, but for basketball. You may know him now from his very strange relationship with one Kim Jong Un, also known as that guy trying to blow up America with nukes from North Korea. Are we all following? Grool. Electra and Rodman ended up together in Vegas on November 14, 1998, and right around 7am, decided to say “I do.” Apparently, Rodman had enough time to sober up in the nine days that followed, claimed he was “heavily intoxicated” when he wed Electra, and filed for divorce. Awww, you guys, that’s so sad.
Cher and Gregg Allman: 9 Days
All right, so this is probably before most of our time, but Cher, Native American goddess and reigning queen of gay men everywhere, enjoyed a v quick wedding to none other than Allman Brothers front man, Gregg Allman. Cher had previously been married to Sonny Bono, with whom she’d had a pretty cute (see: very ’70s) television show. She’d also officially divorced him just three days before shacking up with Allman. That’s moving pretty fast, even in Hollywood.
The two got married in Vegas but, just nine days later, Cher realized that Allman had a pretty serious substance abuse problem (in Hollywood? GASP) and filed for divorce. The two ended up reconciling, re-marrying, then divorcing again, because everything has to come full circle, you guys.
Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds: 14 days
Shrek’s Donkey is just as much of a jackass IRL as he is in our favorite kids movies! Edmonds, who, according to Wikipedia, hasn’t made a film since 2011, wed Murphy in a private beach ceremony in 2004 in Bora Bora. Despite the magical island wedding theme, and what I assume were millions of dollars in champagne and flowers, the nuptials got off to a rocky start. According to a source for People magazine, Murphy started yelling at Edmonds in front of guests, making for a somewhat awkward sparkler exit and limo ride back to the hotel.
Apparently, because the wedding was in a foreign country, it wasn’t legally binding. The couple had planned to have a legal ceremony in the U.S. later, but seeing as things were already going south, they called it all off.
Ali Landry and Mario Lopez: 18 days
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas: 39 days
Drew Barrymore, favorite muse of Broad City‘s Abbi, makes the list for her 1994 marriage to L.A. bartender Jeremy Thomas. If you’re doing the math in your head, then yes, I can confrm that Drew was 19 when she made that choice. Mild yikes. Apparently, it wasn’t a great choice, and she filed for divorce less than two months later. Drew also had a quickie marriage to none other than MTV ’90s darling, Tom Green, which lasted a grand total of 163 days—which is practically a lifetime, I imagine, with Tom f*cking Green.
Kim K and Kris Humphries: 72 days
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock: 122 days
What do you get when you combine a trailer trash boob job with a guy who screams BAWIDABA and campaigns for Trump? A white trash triathlon? NOPE! A wedding between our fav OG Baywatch cast member, Pam Anderson, and upsettingly long-haired manchild, Kid Rock. I like to imagine that this wedding hosted a lot of burlap, mason jars, Confederate flags, screaming eagle decor, and camo. God bless America. All kidding aside, though, these two got hitched on a yacht in 2006, which sounds classy, but, I assure you, it was not in this case—as evidenced by the tiny white bikini and sailor hat instead of traditional wedding garb.
So, why the split between these two? Apparently, there was a fight via phone call which involved Kid Rock (whose real name is Robert Ritchie) not coming to visit Anderson while she was shooting a movie in Vancouver. Why? Because he had floor seats at a Lakers game, obviously. She yelled at him, claimed she had a miscarriage, and hung up the phone. Welp, that escalated quickly. Kid Rock, being the eloquent gentleman he is, quickly flew to see his lady love, only to find her chugging champagne and dancing on tables. Things went downhill from there, and they split soon after, giving us one of the shortest celebrity marriages of all time—and also the trashiest.
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney: 128 Days
— Linda Childers (@lindarchilders) July 31, 2017
Am I the only one who didn’t realize this was ever, EVER a thing? Huh. The more you know. But I don’t feel too bad, because even Renee Zellweger forgot she was married to Kenny Chesney! Anyway, according to Insider, “On September 15 2005, Zellweger filed papers citing ‘fraud’ as their reason for separation.” Apparently, claiming fraud led to a lot of speculation about the country singer, mainly in the form of people thinking he was gay. He later went on to deny the rumors, which, to be honest, aren’t really anyone’s damn business. But it’s safe to say that these two have moved on for the better, even if we don’t know exactly what Zellweger was defrauded into…
So that’s the list of shortest celebrity marriages! Do you know anyone whose dumpster fire of a union can top these stories? Comment below!
Images: Getty Images (5); Shutterstock (2); lindarchilders, Nexter_org, Happilyborrowed / Twitter
The past few months, Scott Disick has been cycling through underage girls faster than Kourtney can scream “I’M DOING WHAT’S RIGHT FOR MASON AND PENELOPE.” It seemed like something more might be developing last month when he took Bella Thorne to Cannes with him, but she went home after like, one day and was swiftly replaced with some other chick. Bella went back to hanging out with her old ex, and Scott clearly found a different, um, pleasure source. We thought that was the end of Scott and Bella, but not so fast.
Bella, who has spent more time lately being a thirst trap on Instagram than being an actress, posted a picture earlier this week in a tiny bikini pretending to eat a burger. At first it just looked like standard thot behavior, but upon closer inspection, we’ve deduced that she’s standing in Scott’s backyard. There aren’t many places with a view like that, but it looks like Scott might be busy enjoying the view of Bella’s ass.
So are Scott and Bella a real thing, or are they just
doing over-the-pants stuff hanging out? It’s too soon to know, but clearly Scott gives negative fucks about what people think about him. At 19 years old, Bella is probably a little young to be a stepmommy to his three kids, but she’s Scott’s ideal age for a sexual partner *shudders*. We’re not sure what this means for all the other girls that have been hanging around him in the last month (*cough* Sofia Richie), but they’ll probably find some other C-list celebrity to pretend to be “just friends” with.
Long live Scott and Bella, maybe they’ll at least make it til the end of the summer?
Kim and Kanye want a third child, and they’re not letting Kim’s pregnancy issues get in the way. A source has confirmed to PEOPLE that Kim and Kanye hired a surrogate to carry Kim’s third child, which actually makes a lot of sense. Kim has been very open about how difficult it was for her to get pregnant, and there was also an issue with the growth of her placenta. She and her family were worried about Kim’s health if she were to get pregnant a third time, so it’s honestly good that she decided not to risk it.
If you’re at all confused about the process of surrogacy, call in sick to work tomorrow and watch that season of Friends where Phoebe has her brother’s babies. You don’t *technically* need to watch the entire season to understand the gist—they explain it in like, one episode—but you should probably do it anyway just to be safe. Now that we think about it, Kim probably should choose Lisa Kudrow as her surrogate since she’s pretend-carried three babies, so like, carrying one baby for real should be a piece of cake. And honestly a world where the real-life Phoebe Buffay was carrying Kim Kardashian’s child would be the most interesting episode of Keeping Up since the time Kim lost her diamond earring in the ocean.
Kim has talked about the possibility of a surrogate in the past, but now it seems like she’s ready to take the plunge. She said that last year’s robbery in Paris gave her a greater sense of urgency, and she’s also probably jealous now that Beyoncé has three kids of her own.
Both Khloé and Chrissy Teigen have publicly offered to be Kim’s surrogate, so she has choices. It would actually be so hilarious if Kim chose Chrissy over her own sister, but wilder things have happened in that family. We wish Blac Chyna could be the surrogate just for the drama, but she would also probably poison the unborn baby or something.
No news yet on when Kimye baby #3 might be arriving, but no doubt he/she’ll have a weird name and an incredible sense of style.