Okay fam, it’s been like two weeks and I’m still not over Ariana Grande’s whirlwind relationship with Pete Davidson. Call me old fashioned, but I think all couples should date for at least one full menstrual cycle before getting engaged. Pete and Ariana obviously disagree, and that’s okay I guess. Sure, they’ll look dumb if they break up three months from now, but getting engaged isn’t actually as big of a deal as people make it seem. The engagement is one thing, but there’s another issue that I find far more questionable: Pete Davidson’s rapidly growing collection of Ariana Grande-related tattoos.
Pete Davidson has lots of tattoos, so honestly when he gets a new one it’s barely even noticeable. But it’s not even been two months since he and Ariana started dating (the timeline is iffy but I’ll assume they weren’t cheating with each other), and Pete has no less than four tattoos inspired by her. That’s not nothing. I’ll be completely honest, I don’t have any tattoos. I don’t have any problem with them, and I think they can be really great. But like, that shit is permanent. I learned from Khloé on KUWTK how painful tattoo removal is, so this ink is probably staying on his body forever, or at least a while. In other news, even Pete’s tattoo artist said that he told Pete to “just stop with the girlfriend tats,” so he has at least one source of good advice in his life. I’m no expert, but if your tattoo artist is the sane person in the situation, something has probably gone wrong.
Now that I’ve vented some of those feelings, let’s contextualize some of Pete’s most recent tattoos, and try to fit them into this fucked up relationship timeline.
The Cloud – May 17ish
Our tat timeline begins with a real fucking bang. Buckle up, because it appears that Ariana and Pete got matching cloud tattoos LESS THAN TEN DAYS after they allegedly started dating. I am not okay. The tiny tattoos are on their fingers, and we first saw Pete’s in this Instagram post from May 17. He didn’t announce his breakup with Cazzie David until May 16th (my mind is melting), but he was seen with Ariana for the first time on May 12th. Should I call the police? Ariana’s cloud tattoo made its debut on the Billboard Music Awards on May 20th, a mere 10 days after she announced her split with Mac Miller. What is the rush, people???
AG – June 3ish
This one is pretty straightforward. Pete is in love with Ariana, so he decided to get her initials tattooed on his thumb. Normally, it would seem absolutely wild that Pete got this tattoo less than a month after he and Cazzie David broke up, but he and Ariana had already had matching tattoos for at least two weeks at this point. Who even knows with these two? He also had a tattoo of Cazzie, which he’s now covered up with a giant pine tree. I think that was for the best, since the Cazzie tattoo looks like it was drawn by a third grader. Also, I think my personal rule is that if you need tattoos for more than one relationship in your life, you’ve done something wrong. Pete Davidson is getting tattoos like the world is going to run out of tattoo ink tomorrow.
The Playboy Bunny – June 3ish
At the same time Pete got the AG tattoo, he also got one of Ari’s signature symbols tatted behind his ear. I have less of a problem with this one, because at least it’s like, a visual thing and not just literally someone’s initials. Even though it’s 100% dedicated to Ariana, there’s like, some level of creativity involved. If/when they break up, Pete can just add a body and have a tattoo of some cool bunny-superhero on his neck. I’m basically a tattoo artist, can you tell?
H2GKMO – June 20ish
And now, we arrive at the stupidest piece of this puzzle, “H2GKMO.” If this sounds like nothing to you, it’s because Ariana literally just made it up. It stands for “honest to god, knock me out,” which is something she apparently says all the time on Twitter and it can basically mean anything. Great, I hate it. Ariana and Pete got matching H2GKMO tattoos sometime around June 2oth, after giving their relationship some time to mature (lol). This one seems like kind of an inside joke, because that’s what you do when you get engaged after three weeks of dating. Honest to god, knock me out, because I’m definitely going to be alone forever. Did I use that correctly? No? Who cares.
In the amount of time it takes me to accept that I’ve been ghosted by a guy I barely knew, Pete Davidson has gotten four different Ariana Grande tattoos. There’s also a fifth one that just says “reborn,” but it’s unclear if that’s about Ari, or just the feeling I feel after eating a really good meal. I feel like Pete Davidson loves Ariana Grande the same amount that I love Mexican food. H2GKMO, that’s all I really have to say about it.
Images: @petedavidson / Instagram (2); @jonmesatattoos / Instagram; @londonreese / Instagram; @peteandariana / Instagram
Guys, do we have another Britney and K-Fed situation on our hands? As much as I love Ariana Grande, I’m seriously starting to wonder if she’s okay. On Monday, news broke that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are engaged after less than a month of dating. That’s like, Khloé and Lamar levels of fast, and we all know how great that ended up. Group texts around the world went off as the shocking news spread, and everyone basically had the same reaction: um, what the fuck?
Since debuting their relationship publicly just a couple weeks ago, Pete and Ariana have been very high-key about each other. They’ve both been all over Instagram with grainy pics and videos of each other (okay, why do famous people love videos that look like they were taken on a ’90s camcorder?), and now it seems like they’re really going for it. Good for them, I guess? Nope, I tried, and I just can’t feel good about this. Pete’s Ariana tattoos freak me the fuck out, and I can’t help but feel like this is bound to go horribly wrong. My therapist told me I need to stop taking getting involved in other people’s problems, but today is not the fucking day.
What makes the fact that (reportedly) Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are engaged even crazier is that they were both just in serious relationships A LITTLE MORE THAN A MONTH AGO. Ariana recently split with her longtime boyfriend Mac Miller, a white rapper we only sort of like because he has a song called “Fuck Donald Trump.” Pete, meanwhile, recently dumped Cazzie David (not Cassie, thank you very much, autocorrect), who is most famous for being Larry David’s daughter. They were like a young comedy It Couple, and a lot of people suddenly seem very concerned about whether she’ll be okay. If this deliciously shady Instagram post is any indication, I think she’ll be fine.
So like, what the fuck is going on with Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson? Are they okay? Are they headed for public mental breakdowns that we won’t be able to look away from? This engagement is fucking frying my mind, you guys. They haven’t technically confirmed the engagement yet, but there are signs on social media that it’s very likely the real deal. First of all, yesterday was Ariana’s mom’s birthday, so we got some lovely social media tributes. Most importantly, Ariana’s brother Frankie—who you might know because he’s the literal definition of extra—posted a photo where it looks like Ariana is wearing an engagement ring. Idk how much being on SNL pays, but clearly it’s enough for a nice rock.
Thank God Instagram lets you zoom now, because I’ve never been so invested in a photo of a Polaroid of a mother and her two children. But wait, there’s more. Along with the highly suspect jewelry, Ariana loves posting cryptic messages on Twitter between lots of tweets that are just like ” i love u guys sm ily,” and she was in rare form after the engagement news broke. Obviously her psycho fans were tweeting her about it, and her response to one of them definitely implies that she’s getting married to Pete. Wow.
“HE’S BEEN BRIEFED.” ARI NOOOOOOO. Seriously, is this a publicity stunt? Is this a real-life fucking publicity stunt? Ariana Grande has done some weird things in the past, but she’s never done anything quite this questionable. Just a year ago, she was busy being a warrior goddess after there was a bombing at her concert, and now she’s gonna marry some guy she’s been dating for less time than I’ve hoarded cups in my room?? Sweetie, there’s so much more out there in the world!
Another interesting question is whether they could have been secretly seeing each other while they were in relationships with other people, because that’s maybe the only scenario in which I could fathom getting engaged to someone you’ve been officially dating for LESS THAN A MONTH. Personally, I think this is unlikely, but I guess you never know. Ariana and Pete definitely would have known each other from when she went on SNL, but it would be pretty bold to have a secret romance while you’re both publicly dating other famous people. To me, this just seems like a textbook obnoxious whirlwind romance, which either means they’ll be broken up by Christmas, or they’re gonna be married for 50 years. It can really only go one of those two ways.
I won’t pretend to know what’s going to happen with these two crazy kids, but I can tell you that my blood pressure has never been higher.
Images: @arianagrande / Instagram; @cazziedavid / Instagram; @frankiejgrande / Instagram; @ArianaGrande / Twitter