This past weekend, The Bachelor‘s Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham got married. (Really thought I’d never have to spell “Luyendyk” again. Pretty mad that I do.) While some fans are annoyed that the wedding wasn’t aired on live TV, I’m sort of grateful we were spared a six-hour episode of The Bachelor on Monday night. (My liver couldn’t handle it.) And luckily, an anonymous source gave PEOPLE all the details of their wedding. So I, personally, feel like I was there and intend to judge the whole affair as though I was.
We already knew they were getting married in Maui, at an old “processing factory for sugarcane” (according to Wikipedia) called Haiku Mill. If they did not write their vows in haikus, I will be simultaneously relieved and very disappointed. (“Once I met Lauren / I was like, ‘nah, Becca K’ / Then I changed my mind”.) An old processing factory doesn’t sound the most romantic, but pictures of the venue are actually pretty stunning. Very real-life fairytale, which, if Lauren’s Instagram captions are any indication, is exactly what she’s going for.
PEOPLE’s coverage continues by reminding me that Arie and Lauren have a 10-year age difference, and that they only got engaged 10 months ago. (Ten. Months. Doesn’t it feel like a f*cking decade has passed?) As for the ceremony itself, PEOPLE reports that they “wrote their own vows,” and both “got choked up.” Arie’s grandparents acted as ring bearer and flower girl, which is actually pretty f*cking cute. As is PEOPLE noting that they got the “biggest laughs,” and that the grandma “really connected with everyone.” Hey, maybe his grandma can be the next Bachelorette! I’d tune in as long as they promise Arie won’t be on it.
In terms of visuals to judge, only Bachelor producer Megan Firestone dared to break what I’m sure was an ironclad no social media rule. Her post has sadly since been deleted (and she may or may not be holed up in an ABC torture chamber as we speak), but I can tell you that Lauren looks like a princess (the hair!!), and Arie and Lauren look very happy. The only suspicious things about this picture are
how well-lit it is when every candid of me at a party looks like I just crawled out of the underworld how extremely not pregnant she looks. Whatever Fit Tea she’s drinking, I want it. Thankfully, we do have one Instagram of the wedding, courtesy of Rachael Wolfner, who is doing the lord’s work.
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Finally, no coverage of Arie and Lauren’s wedding would be complete if we didn’t discuss the most-cherished guest: Baby Girl Luyendyk (Jr.??) As we already knew, Arie and Lauren are expecting a baby. But if you didn’t follow their baby’s Instagram (I hate me too), you might not have known that they are expecting a baby girl! I’ll be accepting a running list of baby name guesses in the comments.
Other useful tidbits included on this Instagram include regular updates on the baby’s size (fig! plum! taco!) and cheeky details about Lauren’s personal life, like how she’s learning Dutch and plays Mozart for her baby. It feels totally weird to be making fun of someone who looks better six months pregnant than I do now, but come on. She’s writing full paragraphs in the voice of a fetus and it’s hilarious.
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Aloha friends! Today I’m 19 weeks old and the size of a mango ???? (how fitting right?) I’m so happy you all know that I’m a girl! It was such a fun week telling the world and now Mom and Dad can finally start buying me clothes 🙂 So this week a lot of stuff is going on in here. My body is covered by vernix which feels like swimming in cream cheese… weird I know but it’s good for my skin. Working on my glow for my grand appearance. I’m also growing my first little hairs on my head Mom and Dad both are picturing me blonde but you never know! Well gotta run, Mom and Dad are getting married this week and it’s hard to type with Mom moving around so much!
Here’s hoping the wedding went off without a hitch, that the couple whispers “I love that” to each other into old age, and that they have a happy, healthy blond baby! I draw the line, however, at watching a Baby Luyendyk spin-off.
Celebrities are always celebrated when they do shit that the rest of us get a lot of crap for. For example, when Jennifer Lawrence screams “where’s the pizza?” she gets turned into an viral sensation and asked about it on daytime television. When I do it, I get banned from ordering on the Domino’s mobile app. Given the fact that celebs are considered way more likable when they keep it “real,” you’d assume that they’d be a little more relatable on social media. Instead, they use their massive platforms to try to sell sports bras to us peasants. That said, there are some celebrities who don’t suck on Instagram, and we need more of them. Here are the celebrities who actually, honestly, truly keep it real on social media and who are worth a follow.
1. Chrissy Teigen
I mean, duh. Chrissy Teigen’s real AF Instagram is the reason we all love Chrissy Teigen. She’s always transparent and hilarious. Like, when she did a hair roundup of her Met Gala look when she didn’t go to the Met Gala, instead of just desperately posting selfies and old outfit pics like the rest of the celebrities that didn’t go. Most people think that social media was created for a bunch of nerdy college kids to talk about hot girls on the internet, but we all know it was solely intended for Chrissy Teigen.
this year’s #metgala GLAM was #SUPER important to me as I wanted it to really embody the heavenly bodies theme!!! I think we nailed it!! Swipe for for #creds!!! First I shampooed my #hair yesterday with #shampoo then I let it sit for 4 minutes while i #shaved the areas I could see on my #body. Next, I used a #towel to dry my hair from roots to ends!! Then, I used a #rubberband to secure my hair into a pony that i was careful not to pull out all the way! Lastly, I pulled out pieces around my #ears and #neck ! Full tutorial coming up tomorrow !!!!!!!! Like and subscribe!!!!!
2. Anna Kendrick
Anna Kendrick’s Instagram has like, the perfect ratio of red carpet photos to shots of her posing awkwardly in front of kind of funny scenes in sweatpants, with a solid few celebrity cameo selfies sprinkled in. When it comes to relatable social content, she practically invented it. She’s always actually relatable without forcing it.
3. Jordyn Woods
Being best friends with Kylie Jenner puts like, a lot of pressure on your social media game. I don’t know for sure, but I’m assuming that most days go like this: Jordyn taking nine million photos of Kylie, and then Kylie giving Jordyn 30 seconds to turn out some lewks and hopefully finding a pic that perfectly captures her best angles for the ‘Gram. It’s a job that I bet nobody could do but Jordyn Woods.
Peep that caption. THAT is how you caption a photo. None of this “nature is so beautiful” bullshit.
In the least surprising news you’ve heard since learning about a giant sinkhole in Washington DC that’s trying to eat the White House, Rihanna has made this list. RiRi is the queen (or are we calling her the priest now or something? IDK) of everything, and that includes Instagram spamming. When she looks good—which is always—she posts like, 45 pics in a row and is Unapologetic AF. (See what I did there?) Sometimes she skips the caption, sometimes it’s a few words about how she knows she slays everything, and sometimes it’s Cardi B lyrics. She wins.
5. Catherine Giudici Lowe
For a product of a television show that typically breeds FabFitFun unboxers and nothing more, it’s kind of amazing that Catherine Giudici and Sean Lowe are so funny on social media. Their kids are adorable AF and I somehow never get tired of seeing Catherine’s content.
A pretty good way to see whether or not a celeb is fucking with you through their social media game is to assess their sponsored content. Like, how believable is it? Are they trying to get you to buy some shitty sunglasses so they can get a cut? Or are they trying to sell you some kind of appetite suppressants to break the internet? Kehlani’s #sponcon always has a mission, so you know her IG is real. Every time she posts a Fashion Nova outfit, the check goes to an LGBTQ charity instead of just to her personal account.
7. Amy Schumer
It’s kind of impossible to scroll through Amy Schumer’s Instagram without picturing her screaming “KIM, TAKE MY PICTURE” at her sister for every photo. Although she basically makes a living off of shitting on celebs who take Instagram seriously, homegirl’s still gotta come up with a caption that tags her glam squad when she attends press events, and she does usually get creative with it in the process.
8. Amber Rose
I’ll be honest, I unfollowed Amber Rose on Instagram because I don’t find her posts extremely compelling (too many kid pics if you ask me); that said, I can certainly acknowledge that she keeps it 100. (Are people still saying that?) When I think of people who post pics of their butt, being like “here’s my butt” rather than trying to think of some pseudo-motivational caption or like “check out my new haircut”, Amber comes to mind immediately. I respect her honesty. Her bio literally reads “I’m not a Hoe I’m a Hoé cuz I’m Classy.” Inconsistent capitalization aside, I love that. Sorry Rih, but Amber Rose is the definition of unapologetic, and I think that years from now, feminist literature will mention her work to reclaim the word “hoe” from its misogynistic roots.
Honorable mention: Cardi B
Cardi B clearly takes the cake for the realest celebrity Instagram account. I know she has returned to Instagram after deleting it following a fight with Azealia Banks, but the 12 posts she’s shared since aren’t her true Insta style. I’m going to stay hopeful here, though. She’ll be back for real soon, prob.