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Welcome to wedding season: where the hangovers are real, the dress codes are confusing, and we’re all sweating. As if the uptick in vaguely specific dress code attire hasn’t made finding a wedding guest outfit hard enough, summer weddings also require finding something that’s dress code appropriate while also seasonally appropriate. There’s a lot of “vibe interpreting” required for all these confusing wedding dress codes that, frankly, most of us just aren’t cut out for. So to help guide you on your seemingly treacherous wedding guest outfit search, here are some options based on the different dress codes.
Clearly I need to reevaluate my entire circle of friends because I’ve never attended nor have I even been invited to a white-tie wedding. White-tie dress code is the most formal of them all, requiring floor-length gowns, no exceptions. Your gown should be paired with your most elegant clutch and accessories and, if I were you, I’d take full advantage of the occasion and even add some trendy elbow-length gloves. You can make your gown more seasonally appropriate by choosing summery colors and fabrics.
Personally, this is my favorite wedding dress code out of the ones I’ve attended because I love an excuse to dress up. Black-tie dress code means you can wear a formal gown or elevated jumpsuit, either of which paired back to elegant accessories. Basically, think prom-adjacent attire minus the over-the-top tackiness and vodka-filled water bottles. Similarly as with white-tie, you can make your black-tie ensemble more summer- appropriate with light and bright colors, airy fabrics, and more breathable silhouettes.
Formal or Black-Tie Optional
This dress code can be confusing and definitely requires some of that “vibe interpreting” that I mentioned earlier. Black-tie optional is pretty much equivalent to formal and just means slightly less formal than black-tie. The biggest difference for women’s attire is that a full-length gown isn’t required, but something of the same dressiness “vibe” is still recommended. Basically, if you want to get wild and show your ankles then you have permission to do so but I’d avoid going above the knee for your hemline. Add a summer-feel to your formal look with vibrant summer colors or a lightweight mesh fabric.
Cocktail attire means that women can wear shorter hemlines but still need to look dressy. Long story short, it would be inappropriate to wear a gown but also inappropriate to wear a sundress. I realize that leaves quite a large gamut, but basically just think a specialty mini dress, elevated midi dress, or eloquent jumpsuit. Overall, this dress code does imply a bit more of a flirty and playful vibe, so have fun with it but still look classy. Keep it summer appropriate with shorter hemlines, seasonal colors, or even an elevated floral print.
Semi-Formal or Dressy Casual
Semi-formal or dressy casual might be the most vague of all the dress codes because there are no “hard lines” beyond no sweatpants. Rather, you really have to feel into the vibe of the wedding, so maybe just grab a crystal and the invitation and mediate on it? On second thought, maybe just text a fellow wedding attendee to see what they’re wearing and go from there. At the end of the day, err on the side of being over-dressed rather than under-dressed. Remember, it’s about special event elegance without crossing the line of “fancy.” Vague, I know, so best of luck.
As someone who recently attended a beach formal wedding, my biggest piece of advice is DO NOT underestimate the heat. As someone who also attended said wedding in a long sleeve bridesmaid dress, I’m going to suggest you steer clear of sleeves and any material that could potentially show sweat. Instead, opt for lightweight summery fabrics like linen or gauze. And, if you’re really someone who sweats easily, go for an airy printed maxi to help disguise any possible sweat stains. Oh, and bring a handheld fan, you’ll thank me later.
Daytime or Casual
Covid has made the backyard wedding quite a trend, and given how expensive weddings can get, I definitely see the appeal. Backyard or daytime weddings are usually more casual which means they’re perfect for a breezy sundress, pretty mini dress, or sophisticated set. The only “don’t” here is going too casual or too dressy. Just avoid dressier fabrics, overly casual fabrics, stiletto heels, sneakers…and you should be good to go from there.
Images: Omar Lopez / Unsplash
Fuckboys are not always easy to spot in the wild, given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in. Any betch that’s been through the Amazon jungle of dating knows that meeting a fuckboy now is like finding a Rattata in the original Gameboy Pokemon—it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to getting rid of the fuckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of fuckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating is a fuckboy you should def ditch.
1. He asks you to hang out but doesn’t text you to follow up, and when you ask if you’re still on he’s just like, “sure where should I meet you”.
2. He says things like, “we should hang” but never initiates an actual date.
3. He says things like, “let me know when you’re free” rather than proposing an actual time and place.
4. When you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, he avoids answering and says something like, “you don’t have to worry about that”
5. He uses phrases like, “keep me posted” and, “let’s stay in touch” when you invite him to come out instead of just giving you a straight answer.
6. His friends don’t seem to know who you are, which means chances are slim he’s raving about you to them.
7. Or his friends all know who you are but act like they know something you don’t because they do: They know he’s seeing other people.
8. He’ll disappear for days without you hearing from him, and when he finally resurfaces he offers no explanation, like it’s perfectly normal.
9. When you ask him what’s up, he over-explains why he’s been so busy and offers specific details like, “hey! just been super busy with this work presentation and my cousin’s in town and also my dog is sick so I haven’t been sleeping what’s up with you?” which really translates to, “please don’t ask me to hang out.”
10. When other guys flirt with you in front of him he seems totally unfazed, not in a chill, do-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-a-feminist way, but in the honestly-could-not-care-less-about-you way.
11. When you run into other girls when you’re out, he definitely doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and sometimes doesn’t introduce you at all.
12. He’s always texting other people when you’re together, and they’re def not all bros.
13. He shadily will not respond to you during prime date hours of 7-11pm, because he’s obvs on other dates.
14. His friends avoid direct eye contact with you when there’s other girls flirting with him, and more than likely some of them are also hooking up with him.
15. He’s never initiated taking a picture with you, and he’s never posted one of you guys hanging out on his social media.
If you spot, like, more than three of these behaviors, it’s time to reevaluate your life and your choices (not to mention your relationship). For more dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, and stop falling for fuckboys.
Images: Elsa Donald on Unsplash; Giphy (18)
As modern women, we are all doomed to hit it with a fuckboy at least once in our lives, if we want to maintain the steady stream of sexual attention TV and movies say we should be receiving at all times. But which type of fuckboy is the best for you? Well what better way to find that out than to base it on the approximate locations of the planets when you were born? Honestly, seems like a much more accurate system than basing it on the two best photos of someone that may or may not be from 15 pounds ago and a bio that their best girl friend wrote that is almost 100% lies.
ARIES: THE EMOTIONAL FUCKBOY
Aries betches are all drama, so they’re going to want a fuckboy who can keep up. What’s the point of having a drunken screaming match in the middle of an Arby’s if the guy you’re yelling at isn’t even going to throw fries at the cashier? Aries enjoy bringing excitement into others’ lives, and what could be more exciting than showing up at someone’s window with gasoline and a lit match demanding to know if he’s sleeping with other people? Your friends will absolutely hate this guy and dedicate entire groupchats to how to get him out of your friend group, but they shouldn’t worry. You will eventually get bored of this fuckboy and impulsively block him on all socials so that you can start the process all over again with one of his closest friends.
TAURUS: THE WEIRDLY OLD FUCKBOY
Taurus betches are down to earth and don’t like inviting instability into their lives. For this reason, they’re going to need a fuckboy who is a little bit more of a fuckman if they want their relationship to work. Sure, his hair may be receding and there’s gray in his beard, but he also has a savings account with over $5 in it and a real apartment that he like, owns. Tauruses are also notoriously bad at breakups, which is why it might be better for you to find someone who is more likely to die before that happens. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this guy wants a real relationship, though. He may be old enough to be your dad, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants to be a dad. You know?
GEMINI: THE FOREIGN FUCKBOY
Gemini betches are unpredictable and need constant excitement to avoid being bored, which is why the best fuckboy for a Gemini is one that fully does not even go here. This fuckboy can slip in and out of your life without doing something annoying like becoming friends with your friends or “wanting to know what you’re up to.” Hooking up with this fuckboy is always exciting because you know your time is limited, and his accent is so thick you’re not 100% sure what he’s saying most of the time. If one of you does make the mistake of catching feelings, all you have to do is say Trump won’t let you leave the country and stop answering his texts. Ghost this bro with impunity knowing there’s almost 0 chance you’ll awkwardly run into each other at your local bar.
CANCER: THE MAN-BOY FUCKBOY
Cancer is the mommy of the zodiac, meaning a Cancer betch is going to want a fuckboy that she can take care of—aka “tell what to do.” The best fuckboy hookup for you will be one where you somehow end up staying all day and cleaning his apartment after. For whatever reason, you want a man who needs help setting up his own email account. Luckily, thanks to Judd Apatow & Co., the man-boy thing is very popular amongst men these days so you should have no problem finding one of your very own. Seriously. Just go to like, any bar with a $5 beer/shot special and you’ll be picking his ass up from soccer practice in no time.
LEO: THE AGGRESSIVELY HONEST FUCKBOY
As a Leo betch, you are proud AF and have no time for people who want to fuck with you. That’s why the fuckboy in your life needs to be the rare kind that are aggressively honest about everything. Like, the type of dude who will stop you mid-bone to tell you he’d prefer to have your pelvis at a 45 degree angle. Coded messages and random 3am sad face emojis are not going to work for you. You’d rather have a guy whose dating profile says “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site” than some d-bag who waits three dates to tell you he’s actually in an “open relationship” by which he means “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site.” Honesty you can work with. Bullshit mind games you cannot.
VIRGO: THE FUCKBOY FROM CLASS
Virgo betches are highly intellectual, meaning that you’re going to want a fuckboy who can stimulate both your body and your mind. That’s why when a scruffy looking semi-hipster from your Politics of Developing Nations class slides into your DMs, you won’t hate it. The two of you can be boning one minute, then discussing your professor’s latest lecture series the next. He might even be down to Netflix binge all the fucked up documentaries you usually save for private time. Just don’t be surprised if he starts asking to copy your notes, and def don’t expect this guy to stick around into next semester, no matter how good your thesis is.
LIBRA: THE RICH FUCKBOY
Libra betches have expensive tastes, meaning that any fuckboy who even dreams of hitting it with a Libra better come correct with the budget to do so. If a guy wants the honor of sporadically answering your texts for a period of several months, then he needs to make sure that when he does finally decide to answer he’s inviting you to dinner at the nicest restaurant in town. Any man who thinks he can bring you back to the shitty rowhouse and mattress on the floor that he shares with his 15 unemployed roommates and still get in your pants is fucking delusional. You’ll be uber-blacking home before he can say “Sorry, we’re out of toilet paper.”
SCORPIO: THE HORNY AF FUCKBOY
Scorpio is the horniest of all signs, meaning that scorpio betches are going to need an equally horny fuckboy if the relationship is going to be even remotely rewarding. If he’s not down to exchange nude snaps at work, he is not the fuckboy for you. You don’t even really need to know this fuckboy’s name, TBH. All you need to know is if he’s up and has a semi-functional dick. The two of you will get exactly what you want out of this relationship, and part ways on good terms, until one of you has to inevitably call the other three years later to let them know they should probably get tested for HPV.
SAGITTARIUS: THE PARTYING FUCKBOY
Sagittarius betches are aggressively fun, so you’re going to need a fuckboy who can keep up the pace. You don’t need some lame-ass dude who is going to show up to the club and immediately start badgering you to go home and smoke weed. You need someone who is going to show up with a stolen bottle of Everclear and a friend who says he knows where you guys can “get a boat.” Just please try to remember to tell your friends where you’re going because you two might seriously end up dead in each other’s company.
CAPRICORN: THE INSTA-FAMOUS FUCKBOY
Capricorns, like Slytherins, are very ambitious betches. That’s why you’re going to need a your man to have a certain amount of social credibility before you agree to be his fuckwoman. Anyone with less than two thousand followers on Twitter and Insta, with an average of 3 LPM (likes per minute) is not going to cut it. If you’re going to be hanging out with some dude all night, you need to make sure that dude’s Snap stories are being seen by DJ Khaled levels of people. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. This way you know that when you unfollow him, he’ll definitely notice and be pissed off for weeks.
AQUARIUS: THE FRIEND/FUCKBOY
Aquarius betches DGAF what anybody thinks of them, which is why you are more than down to break the cardinal rule of not fucking your friends in favor of totally fucking all of your friends. You like to have deep connections and personal history with the people in your life, which is why the friend/fuckboy is perfect for you. The two of you can hop into bed together knowing the full catalogue of shitty things you’ve said about previous lovers, and when you’re done you can just roll over and commence talking shit on The Dud or that kid you were friends with in high school who is like, super Christian now.
PISCES: THE REFORMED FUCKBOY
Dating a fuckboy is tricky for a Pisces betch because pisces, generally, are looking for a real commitment. That’s why you’re going to need to find yourself a fuckboy who has turned his back on his fuckboyish tendencies and is ready for a relationship that also exists outside the hours of midnight and 3am. Does he still wear a flat brim and pounds of body spray that somehow smells both good and bad? Sure. Is he going to freak out when, one week in, you casually bring up that your parents are in town? Nope. He’s all about it. In fact, he has personalized gifts for each member of your family and already knows all their names from memorizing your social media profiles. Just don’t expect him to be good at texting. No man is actually good at texting.
On this week’s Betch Slapped, we talk about Bachelor Ben and Lauren’s breakup and how much we love the upcoming Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay. We discuss a reader response to our Bill O’Reilly discussion and give a male listener advice on how to not be a fuckboy. We also give our thoughts on extravagant weddings.
We’ve officially reached a point where dating apps are a standard way to meet people. Much like CD’s replaced the cassette and the record before that, technology is changing and making things more convenient, which your grandma will argue makes them less worthwhile. Can I live, Nana? In the case of dating apps vs meeting people IRL, you’re still talking about yourself to people and judging their ability to make you happy for life. We’ve just gone from watching their dance moves at the sock hop or whatever to swiping through vacation photos and judging their ability to write a short witty bio and wondering why so many guys pose with dead fish.
But no matter how witty someone is on Tinder, they still don’t matter until you’ve met them in person. I mean, remember Smarterchild? You can talk with a bot on AIM for hours, but that bot will never care how your day went. So obvs the goal of dating apps is to actually meet someone in person to decide if you’re into them or not. How long should you actually talk before meeting up? Here is our definitive guide to when you should and shouldn’t meet up with someone.
You’ve been talking for about week constantly but you haven’t exchanged numbers yet: So if you and a guy are hitting it off, you should make a plan to hang out within the week you matched. That means you probably have had time to figure out the basics like job, location, whether he can reply to texts on time or not, and how likely he is to murder you and wear your skin. Plus by then Facebook will have decided he’s your soulmate and start putting him in Suggested Friends. You know he’s seeing the same thing on his profile. If you don’t make plans to meet and he’s already worked his way into your algorithm, you’ve waited too long.
It’s best to make a plan for that weekend or the next week, because anything later means you’ll probably just cancel on each other. Once you make plans, instead of simmering on the dating app, you should give him your number so you can text each other in the day leading up to meeting IRL. Switching from dating app messaging to texting a few days before the date will make it feel like you’re building to something. You’ll be able to have longer conversations that won’t feel like you’re talking to ten other people at the same time.
You’ve been talking on and off for almost a month, and neither of you have made plans to meet up: I mean, he sees that you’re witty and hot and still hasn’t asked you out? Then he’s probably in a relationship and def just using Tinder to power play his way out of feeling trapped. If he hasn’t asked you out yet but you’re also not that into it, you’re probably both keeping each other as backburners for when you’re both bored. You should unmatch him because your time is precious and why waste perfect conversation on a mediocre match?
He asks you to get drinks as soon as you match: If he asks you to meet up on the first conversation you have, he’s just trying to fuck. Like, this guy doesn’t even know that you have a job or that your hobbies don’t include arson, and he’s already trying to meet up? Only reason he’d risk that is for the pussy. He’s not trying to get to know you. So unless you’re one day post-breakup territory, him pushing to get drinks right away is usually a red flag. If that’s not what you’re into, just unmatch him. Don’t even bother giving an excuse.
He asked you for your number after talking to you for a few days: He probably does want to meet up with you but is intimidated. I mean, why wouldn’t he be? If he’s already asked for your number, he is interested. Ask him if he wants to get drinks—if he made the move to get your number he’ll appreciate you taking the lead on setting a plan.
He says things like “We should get drinks sometime” but doesn’t actually make a plan and sometimes takes weeks to respond: Fuck this guy. He wants to keep you on his radar for a hookup in the very distant—and I mean distant—future. I mean, if you’re into that and need to add a new guy to your rotation, then by all means entertain this fuckery. But you’re not a priority to this dude and in reality you’re more likely to meet John Stamos on a plane and have him tell you you’re pretty than actually get drinks with the Tinder dude. It’s like he’s already gone out on dates and came back around and found you and thought, “oh yeah… her.” You don’t want to be a sweater he found while cleaning out his closet that he decides to try on for fun. Block that bro.
He makes a plan for two weeks from now: He is either going to cancel on you, or you’re going to cancel on him. Neither of you really care that much about each other or you’d try harder to hang out. In the back of your mind you think he could be the love of your life if you just met him, but deep down you know that’s def not true. Like, you probably enjoyed 3 out of 5 of his photos, and he may have said something politically insensitive that makes you think you are not going to enjoy talking to him. Unmatch him and move on, you don’t need new friends.
Sure, you may have started hooking up with a bro you didn’t exactly want to date, but as often happens when two people sleep together after a while, you may have actually developed feelings. Not giving a fuck is betchy, but falling for someone you routinely touch body parts with also doesn’t make you less of a betch. It literally just means nature is doing its job. Congrats, you’ve just discovered, like so many unhappy housewives before you, that sex bonds people emotionally. Not telling him how you feel, however, is not very betchy.
If you’re in a casual hookup situationship, chances are you’ve thought about him being your boyfriend. You may have even said something to your friends like, “He’s basically my boyfriend, but without the title.” Here’s the thing: if you’ve thought about it, he’s thought about it. For every time one of your girlfriends asked you, “So what are you guys?” or “Why don’t you guys just put a label on it?” one of his friends has probably asked him the same thing. Okay, make that once for every five times, because let’s be honest, bros don’t talk about this shit as much we do. But they still talk about it a little. Which means he’s had to define your relationship to his friends. Which also means he can fucking handle talking to you, the girl he is sticking his penis into, about it.
In the same vein, if you have feelings for him and have wondered whether he feels the same about you, he’s also given this some thought. He is a bro living in the same world you are, and he’s (probably) not an idiot. This means that he either 1) is on the same page as you and returns your feelings or 2) doesn’t really give a shit but enjoys the sex. Either way, he’s considered his stance on this issue and just because you keep things ambiguous with each other doesn’t mean there isn’t an answer at the end of the day.
If you’re enjoying what’s going on, but you’d say “FUCK YEAH” if he asked you to be his girlfriend, then you should tell him how you feel. Because this means you want more than a casual hookup. And if we’re really being honest, there is no such thing as “casual” after the three month mark. Waiting for him to bring up the subject is like getting robbed and then instead of calling the police, you hope the thief’s conscience kicks in and he returns your money with an apology. How often does that happen? It’s not impossible, but uh, most people would call 911. His conscience isn’t going to kick in; you need to make the call. You don’t have to wait for him to tell you where you stand; you can tell him where you stand.
As a betch, you don’t wait in line at clubs, so why would you wait to “see what happens” in a relationship? It might feel like you’re giving up your power when you tell someone you like them, but staying in a casual relationship when you want more is the most powerless you can be.
If you tell him you’re into him and want to date, two things could happen. He could either admit that he feels the same way and say “LET’S DO IT”, or he could admit that he’s not feeling it and wants to keep things casual. No matter what, he’s not going to say, “EW GROSS GET AWAY FROM ME I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” He’s already having sex with you, so if you’re okay with casual, you can go back to casual. In no universe is he going to want to stop having sex with you because you have feelings for him, so you either get what you want or resume the status quo.
Obviously, no self-respecting betch would really choose to go back to the way things were, but the point is, you can. Which means you literally have nothing to lose.
Here’s the final reason why you should just pull the trigger on the feelings conversation: A betch has no interest in dating a bro that doesn’t want to date her. Just by telling him you want to date him (or whatever you feel), you’re allowing yourself to get over him if he says no. There’s no faster way to get over someone than to find out they don’t think you’re a goddess. Because there’s plenty of people that do.
So you’re in a casual thing and it’s fine. It’s like, whatever. Like you’re not even looking for a relationship. Right? Maybe you just got out of a longterm relay or maybe you just can’t handle commitment. Honestly, being desperate for a boyfriend is such a nicegirl thing, unless you’re in seventh grade in which case it still makes you cool to hold hands on the quad. But just because you haven’t made it official doesn’t mean you’re not low-key already in a relationship. If you relate to this list, then we hate to break it to you, but you’re kind of in a relationship.
1. You text each other every day and not just to hook up. I mean, let’s start with the basics. If you’ve been talking to each other everyday for over a month, you’re def more than just casual hookups. Like, I can’t even remember to text my mom back sometimes. If some guy is sending you random shit he finds on the internet or just saying “how’s your day?” you’ve def left the shallow end.
2. When your friends see one of out they ask where the other one is. And you’re like, Idk, why don’t you text him? Or if you’re both at a party people ask you, “hey, where’s Jared?” like you’re supposed to know exactly where he is at all times. (He’s outside smoking.) So maybe you get asked about each other because you actually do show up to things together all the time. Whoops.
3. You’re each other’s #1 best friend on Snapchat. I mean, sometimes technology knows us better than we know ourselves. Like have you seen Black Mirror? You might tell yourself you’re not in a relationship, but one day hearts just showed up next to his name in Snapchat and you were like “how did they know!?”
4. You have plans to hang out on the next big holiday. If there’s a three day weekend you make plans to hang out. If it’s New Year’s you’re def hanging out. He asks you what you’re doing before he makes any big plans, because sorry to break it to you… you are the plan.
5. When the DJ calls out the single ladies, you don’t put your hands up. AND that’s after three vodka sodas, and you know alcohol brings out the truth. It’s not like you’re in a relationship, you just don’t want to advertise as being single. Or maybe you’re not single.
6. He remembers stuff about you that you don’t even remember telling him. Like your childhood pet’s name or all of your allergies. The fact that he remembers little details about your life means you’ve spent enough time with each other for you to tell him.
7. You haven’t opened Bumble in weeks. Things are so casual that you casually forgot you were supposed to be dating other people. Whoops. You legit forgot to open up the app and every once in a while you remember so you spend a few minutes swiping, but then get bored and text him instead.
8. You tell each other when you’re going out of town so you can make a plan to hang out before. There’s nothing more satisfying than being out of town when a casual hookup texts you to hang out—it makes you feel wanted in multiple cities like Ludacris. Like, whoops I forgot to tell you I’m off being more interesting than hanging out with you. So if you’re telling each other about your travel plans it means he’s made it to your inner circle. You are well past the courting phase.
9. You get invited on double dates from your other couple friends. Uh, Tracy and Mark have been dating for two years, you are NOT in the same boat. Speaking of boat, a booze cruise does sound fun. Why TF not? Oh, it’s a couples cruise? Hah. Ironic, because you’re not a couple. Or are you?
10. When you think about your future, he’s in it. You’re thinking about getting wasted at your birthday party, and he’s taking you home. And your birthday isn’t for another six months. Or you know, more future stuff, but who really thinks that far ahead? Anyways, the point is he creeps into your daydreams and you don’t hate it.
Someone wise once said, “It’s only a lie if you get caught,” and betches never get caught. But when the person you’re lying to is yourself, things get a little complicated. You can tell yourself over and over again that you’re not that into your casual hookup, and if you say it enough you might actually start to believe it—but all the self-delusion in the world won’t change the fact that you’re into him. If you say any of the following lies to yourself, you might be falling for your casual hookup. Look, we won’t tell on you, but we just thought you should know you’re not fooling anybody.
If more than, like, 4 of these scenarios apply to you, it’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Our official prescription is a 20mg dose of reality, taken once a day or as often as needed for you to wake the fuck up. But uh, it’s your life. Do you.
1. I Don’t Even Want A Relationship Right Now.
Hey guess what? Nobody’s asking. You tell yourself this because you’re already thinking about the possibility of a relationship with him, and you have to stop yourself by pretending you don’t care.
2. I’m Dating Other People Too.
You say as you download Tinder and frantically swipe right on the first cute guy you see, hoping he’ll message you right away. There’s a difference between dating around and dating other people just to distract yourself from your actual crush.
3. I Don’t Even Think About Him When I’m Not Hanging Out With Him.
Except for when I’m checking his Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and Snapchat.
4. I Like That It’s So Chill.
Right, and how many times have you looked at your phone since you last texted him? That’s not chill.
5. We’re Totally On The Same Page.
Or at least you assume you are, but you haven’t actually talked about it. At least not out loud and in person. You’ve talked about it to him in your head multiple times, though.
6. I Haven’t Really Thought About A Relationship With Him.
As you shrug and shrug and shrug into your mirror of lies.
7. I Think Going On Dates Is Such A Waste Of Time; It’s So Much Better That We Can Just Cut The Bullshit Out.
Because eating nice meals and hanging out on major holidays is so overrated. Ugh. “But uh, I’ll leave my Valentine’s Day free just in case he asks,” you say.
8. If I Had Feelings For Him, I Would Just Tell Him.
I have no problem telling him how I feel, but I don’t feel anything. That’s why I’m not telling him how I feel. Which is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing feels kind of like falling in love, but that’s probably just an illusion.
9. We’re Totally Honest With Each Other About What We Want.
He told me he doesn’t want anything serious, and I just want him to think I want what he wants. But seriously, whatever he wants, I’ll totally want that too. Like, if he wants a relationship, I could want that too.
10. It Would Be Fun To Take Him As A Date To My Friend’s Wedding, But Only Because He’d Be A Fun Date, Not Because I Like Him.
And definitely not because I want to see him in a suit or have him be around two people willing to commit to each other. I’m definitely not trying to plant any ideas in his mind.
11. I Could Stop Seeing Him Tomorrow And Be Totally Fine.
But I’m not going to. Because I’m totally fine. I swear.
12. The Sex Is Just Really Good.
Because of how much I like him. Everyone knows the best sex is sex with someone you’re in love with. So I’m only falling in love with him for the good sex.