WTF To Get Them For The Holidays Based On How Long You’ve Been Together

Whether you’re quarantine-casual or in it for the long haul, gift giving in a relationship is never an easy feat. But what should you do when your casual hookup happens to coincide with the holiday season? Do you get them a present? More importantly, are they getting you a present? The timeframe in which you have been hooking up can help decipher whether you need to bother buying them a gift or if sending nudes will suffice. I say whether you’ve been getting intimate for one month or for one year, if you’re breaking social distancing for this person and a major holiday is approaching, gifts are kind of expected. 

Also, it should go without saying, but absolutely no one should take an agreed upon “no presents” rule seriously. Just buy a damn present. You don’t have to empty out your savings account, but you should put a bow on something. If you’re strapped for ideas, don’t freak out, I got you. Consider this curated cheat sheet my gift to you. 

Dating: 1-2 Months

Red Gift Bow

Breckenridge Seasonal Christmas Ale

Together for only a month or two? It’s new and you’re both having fun, so there’s no need to overthink it. This early on you can probably get away with a few strategically placed bows on yourself and call it a night. If you want to go in a more tangible direction, then I recommend playing it safe with something edible, like cookies or a seasonal six-pack. You made an effort, it’s on theme, and it doesn’t send any overly serious signals. It’s holiday cheers all around. 

Dating: 3-5 Months

Ripple Junction Grateful Dead Tour 74 Vintage Light Weight Crew T-Shirt

Fujifilm Instax Mini 11 Camera

You don’t need to feel pressured to define the relationship, but you should probably be exchanging presents. In the early stages of dating, casually or exclusively, it’s the thought that counts. If you’re just hitting the three-month mark, take note of their Spotify roundup and go for a graphic tee of their favorite band. It’s casual and shows that you’re paying attention to their likes. Nearing closer to five months of being together? Then it’s time to start documenting! What better way to capture proof of your relationship than with a Polaroid camera?

Dating: 6-9 Months

Crosley Voyager Bluetooth Record Player


Brookstone Frienship Lamp – Set Of Two

Hi. Sorry to break it to you, but this is not just a hookup anymore, you should probably reference an inside joke and hit a store. Another way to ease into the gift exchange is to choose an interactive gift, one that the two of you can enjoy together. Take your hookup playlist to the next level with a Bluetooth compatible record player. If you’re feeling extra splurgy, you can even throw in their first record from their favorite band. If you’re working with a long-distance situation, then go for what I’m dubbing the love lamps. A set of lamps—you keep one, your partner keeps the other—and when you tap your lamp, the matching one lights up. Easiest way to tell someone that they light up your lif—k sorry, I’ll stop.

Dating: 1-2 Years

Herschel Supply Co. Duffle Bag

MVMT Jet Noir

Alright, this has surpassed the hookup stage. This is full-on monogamy, so congratulations! And with commitment comes a higher level of gift giving. It’s time to give a gift with some longevity. Gift them a duffle to tell them that you fully accept their baggage. For a hidden bonus, you can even slip in a future travel itinerary (pandemic permitting). Or what’s a subtle way of telling your person that you’re sick of them being late to everything? Get them a watch! It’s sleek, thoughtful, and they’ll never be able to tell you that they lost track of time again. 

Dating: 3-4+ Years

Personalized Letter Blanket

PlayStation 5 Console

Safe to say that if it’s gone on this long that this is a fairly serious commitment, which means that it’s time to get thoughtful, and dish out some more dough. Welcome to the big leagues, kids. Handwrite a love letter, or transcribe your favorite DM, and print it on a blanket. It’s a gift to show the grandkids one day. Or, on a not-so-sentimental track, if you can get your hands on a coveted PlayStation 5 Console, then you are guaranteed to be crowned partner of the year. It may not be super original, but I actually think it’s illegal to not include a PS5 in a 2020 gift guide. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I recommend investing in two controllers, so you can at least both play. 

Remember, it’s the thought that counts—and it counts even more when it comes with a gift receipt.

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Images: MichelleUnsplash

It’s Not Just You: Studies Show Good Men Are Harder To Find

As long as there’s a good headline, I will read literally anything. Yes, I fall victim to clickbait. Sue me. So, it should come as a surprise to no one that I clicked and read the recently published Wall Street Journal article titled, “A Good Man Is Getting Even Harder to Find.” As someone who has dealt with and even dated men (condolences, please), I was obviously intrigued. Anecdotally, it does seem like finding a good guy is nearly impossible. So, if I could find something empirical to back up my “all men are trash” sentiments so I can school my therapist? Even better. 

The WSJ article was written by Gerard Baker, former EIC of Dow Jones. The second line of the story reads: “Girls go to college to get more knowledge/Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” I mean, the article could end there and win a Pulitzer for journalism, as far as I’m concerned. While the article begins with anecdotal evidence concerning Baker’s daughters, and how they grew up believing girls were smart and boys were stupid, the real meat of his argument comes from analyzing the gender gap in higher education. Baker explains that his daughters, who are currently enrolled in liberal arts colleges, used to say that they are often told that women are superior to men, especially when it comes to intelligence. In other news, the sky is blue. So, the absence of “good men” is due in part to the fact that more women are getting educated and less men are keeping up. So by this logic, good, smart men literally are getting harder to find because there are literally less of them. Yes, I said “literally” twice in the same sentence, but only for emphasis. 

To back up this assertion, Baker cites the growing gender gap in bachelor’s and master’s degrees every year. He writes, “According to the U.S. Department of Education, more than 57% of the class of 2018 who graduated with bachelor’s degrees were female. The gap for master’s degrees was even wider: 59% to 41%.” Claps for all the women in the world. Y’all are killing it. But like most problems in the dumpster fire that we call the U.S., the issues goes way deeper than we think. How, you ask? Studies show that men say they want to date smart women, but they actually don’t—they just like the idea of smart women. Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool.

It’s times like these that I really wish sexual orientation was a choice so I wouldn’t have to put up with this sh*t. To be fair (to smart women), the study, published on a site called Sage Journals, had a sample pool of idiots that only included 105 men. I don’t think 105 people is a great sample size to represent all men’s views on romance, but that doesn’t change the sad results of said study. The findings read as follows: “When evaluating psychologically distant targets, men showed greater attraction toward women who displayed more (vs. less) intelligence than themselves. In contrast, when targets were psychologically near, men showed less attraction toward women who outsmarted them.” In other words, they were only attracted to smarter women in theory. Great!

Julie Scagell, a Babble writer who reported on this study for an article called “Depressing Study Found Men Love the ‘Idea’ of Smart Women — They Just Don’t Want To Date Us.”, summed it up pretty perfectly. She says, “Apparently ‘pretend’ smart women make perfect companions for self-proclaimed smart men,” but actual smart women are a huge turn-off. And here I thought I was single because of the way I ate pizza, but it’s just my college degree. Lol, classic mixup. Can we just agree that these self-proclaimed smart men are actually pretty stupid and call it a day?

Here’s the thing, though: no matter how dumb these findings seem, they’re based on real people! Real men are admitting that smart women are unattractive to them. I scoured the internet for some answers on why this is, and I landed on Washington Post writer Lisa Bonos’  book review for The Love Gap by Jenna Birch. Bonos says, “Until men can provide for a family, they don’t feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. And no matter how much men say they want an equal partner, a woman who’s smart and independent, studies find that such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.” Wow, I’m both blown away and not surprised at all. How is that even possible? If I was writing this article in the 17th century then I would totally get where men are coming from, but in 2019 I don’t really understand this psychological reasoning. Why is it so humiliating to be romantically associated with a smart woman who has her sh*t together? Someone, preferably a man, please explain this to me. (This is the one instance where I allow mansplaining.)

But before you get discouraged and throw your phone in a river, this unfortunate situation is not a reflection on us, smart women. Studies are literally telling us it’s not us, it’s them, the men. While we may never understand why men are the way that they are, we can agree to not let these proven idiots influence our own self-worth. Not that there’s a silver lining to this official realization that men are trash, but take comfort in knowing that getting an education is just one more thing to add to the list of things women are doing in greater numbers and faster than men.

Images: Giphy (2); Unsplash

5 Signs You’re Just A Hookup

Unless you’re still dating your high school boyfriend like seven years later (congrats, weirdo), you’ve def come across a guy at some point and wondered, “is he actually into me or am I just a hookup?” It’s something that you should figure out, specifically if you’re emotionally unstable and afraid of rejection. Though I’m sure it’s baffling that everyone isn’t in love with you, men are, as a rule, idiots.

Once upon a time, I was an absolute moron and basically thought that if I started talking to a guy I’d eventually date him. That’s when I stumbled upon the Betches dating book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, one day and got a clue. This isn’t even #sponsored, it’s just how I found my way to this website. But also buy their new book because it’s equally brilliant. K sorry I’ll stop fangirling.

Anyway, you don’t want to be a dumbass by focusing on a single guy and refusing to talk to other potentially even hotter guys just because you’re convinced that you’re going to start dating and you don’t want to ruin it. That’s stupid for so many reasons. Basically, here are all the signs you’re just a hookup that I wish I had always known. These have been gathered from my friends and my own idiocy. I also polled some of my guy friends so you could get the ~inside scoop~.

Hopefully, you already know the obvious. If he only texts you at 2am, he doesn’t want to date you. But boys, despite being complete buffoons to girls, are tbh a little sneaky sometimes. So without further ado, here are some slightly less obvious signs you’re just a hookup and he’s not that into you, sorry bb.

1. You’ve Never Seen Him Consume Anything But Alcohol

Either he’s secretly a vampire (cue a Vampire Diaries marathon) or he doesn’t want to waste money buying you food when he can just buy you shots in a few hours when you meet up at a bar. “Oh yeah, we’ll get dinner next time but come to Kell’s tonight!” Don’t fall for that.

2. He Takes Forever To Reply

He takes a day to text you back, and when he does, his texts makes no sense, he doesn’t answer any of your questions, he OBNRs your Snapchat (if you’re, like, under 21 this is especially important), etc. it’s one of the surefire signs you’re just a hookup. If he replies with, “Oh sorry just saw this” or “Was slammed this week with work,” you should call BS and move on. Three different guys I polled were like, “we’re always lying when we say this,” sooo consider it a line.

3. He Doesn’t Take You To Brunch The Next Morning

Just because he let you sleep over does not mean he’s necessarily into you. Like, okay, he didn’t shove you out of bed at 4am. So, he’s… a semi-decent human being? I wouldn’t go announcing your impending nuptials. Ask yourself a few more questions: Did you wake up wedged between the mattress and the wall with no covers? Did he mutter something about how the door locks and run off to “use the bathroom” so you can change and leave ASAP? Did he promise to text you later even though you haven’t even exchanged numbers? If you answer yes to any of these questions, ding ding ding (!!) he’s an asshole, and he’s probs not into you.

If, however, he offers to take you out for brunch, or even just a casual coffee at Philz, then things are looking up. At the very least, he better text you after hooking up.

4. He Doesn’t Talk With You About Substantial Things

Do you know anything about his life? Like, does he have a little sister? Have a favorite food? Know when his next midterm is? And more importantly, does he know anything about you? Does he remember your birthday? Or like, I don’t know, if you have a huge presentation for work? Basically, if he knows details about you, that means he cares enough to remember boring sh*t about your life. If he only remembers to text you Saturday night because ~suddenly~ he wants to know “what’s up” then leave him on read.

5. He’s Rude In Person

Either he’s supremely awkward (in which case, ew byeeeeee) or he just doesn’t want to talk to you. Sure, it’s immature to be standing eight inches away from someone and not say hi, but really, you can’t expect much from 22-year-olds who still think they’re in a frat. Anyway, if he looks away when you walk by or mutters “hey” before walking off in the other direction aggressively “texting” then yeah, he’s not interested.

Even though it may suck to realize that your future husband potential boyfriend person of interest isn’t actually, um, interested in you, it’s a healthy thing to realize. You really don’t want to waste time and brain space on a guy that’s not good enough for you anyway when you could be finding someone else instead or bingeing all the Netflix romcoms ever created, because tbh that sounds more fun.

Images: Giphy (4)

How Do I Turn A One-Night Stand Into Something More? Ask A Pro

Head Pro knows better than to even pretend to text you after a one-nighter, because he respects you too much. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

The night before Thanksgiving my girlfriends from high school and I went out to this local bar in our town. While we were out we ran into a group of ~older~ boys we all had crushes on back in the day. Fast forward to we’re all drunk and I go home with one of the guys.

This guy and I had a great time, talking and hooking up literally all night. I felt like we had a really great connection and even though it was a one-night stand I’d love to see him again. The next morning I had to rush home so I didn’t say goodbye or get his number. He added me on Instagram that day and I sent him a DM a few days later (on Monday). I asked him to get drinks the upcoming weekend and gave him my number to text me. He replied to the DM and said he had a great time and that we’d definitely get drinks “soon.” He sent a few more messages and seemed pretty into the idea of getting together but didn’t make a definitive plan.

Here’s my question: he didn’t actually text me, even though I gave him my number, he just responded to the DM. He was also super vague about actually making a plan to meet up again and I’m basically just waiting for the weekend to see if he texts me. Is he not into it? Did I text too early and he doesn’t want to plan something that much in advance? I felt like he was down and don’t really see a reason why he wouldn’t want to get together again, unless I did something massively embarrassing that I don’t remember. I guess I just want to know if you think this is something I should pursue or move on to the next one? I wish he would communicate more instead of making vague promises to hang out, I feel so silly but I really can’t tell what he’s thinking. Thoughts, please?

Sincerely,

Confused

I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but if there are two things I wouldn’t invest money in, they’re 1) Bitcoin and 2) one night stands blossoming into something more. Like, that’s kind of a beauty of a one-hitter—you got to go the most fun part of a relationship (the sex) with literally none of the attendant bullshit of a relationship. For most people these are rare and beautiful occurrences, and should be celebrated rather than shamed. I mean, you’re out on the biggest shitshow night of the year, you’re talking to a guy you barely know, and then go home and fuck with a combined BAC that could kill livestock. It’s not exactly a recipe for future romance. That’s not to say that stranger things haven’t happened, but people in 17th century Netherlands thought tulips were a pretty sure thing, you know?

There’s not a lot to second guess here, which is good! This guy never had any intention of pursuing this further, and not actually using your phone number to contact you is all the proof you need. Asking why is pointless, because it could be anything. Maybe he has a girlfriend, or maybe he’s really just not that into you—I mean he couldn’t possibly be, because he doesn’t know you. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and sometimes a sloppy, one-night bang-sesh with a quasi-stranger is just that. Cherish it. It’s fun!

Hey Head Pro,

Dealing with a crisis here. I’ve been hooking up with this dude for the last four and a half-ish months. Super casual, and honestly has been the BSOML (best sex of my life). At first, I low-key hated this guy. Not kidding here, I thought his personality sucked, he was annoying AF, and not that smart. Once we got in the bedroom, though, I realized that I could put up with who he was as a person for the sake of a really great lay.

Fast forward to last week, when we made a move from hooking up exclusively between the hours of 12 and 5am after nights out drinking to spending a few hours together on a Sunday afternoon engaging in deep and meaningful conversation and then getting it on, but in less of a “f*cking” way and more of a “making love” way. I wasn’t sure if I was the only one who was slapped in the face with feels, but I couldn’t get him off my mind for the days following—and this was a completely new feeling for me. All along, I had been dating and hooking up with other people here and there and never thinking of this bro as a guy I would want to commit to in any way. While I knew from a mutual friend that he isn’t really the “girlfriend” type and I’m not really trying to get into a relationship either (disclaimer, we are both seniors in college and getting ready to move to new cities in approximately 4 months), I figured if I felt some way about him I should act on it. I proposed hooking up exclusively—my thought was that it made things a little less casual than they were, we still would get to bone all the time, and it opened the opportunity for things to gradually and potentially become something a bit more.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when he said he didn’t want to be exclusive, but I was definitely super bummed out. Now I feel like I compromised continuing to hookup with him because of my little proposal. Regardless of the feelings that can easily be shoved aside, I don’t want to stop hooking up because we have serious physical chemistry.

WHAT THE EFF DO I DO?

Sigh. The first thing you should do is stop trying to save time and space by using initialisms, only to turn around and write them out anyway. Two, probably you should stop getting into bed with guys you think have sucky personalities, are annoying af, and aren’t that smart. That’s just good life advice. Like, how did this come about, really? “Wow, I actually hate you in a deeply sincere way, but best to leave no stone unturned, I guess…”?

Anyway, even though I feel like I’ve said this a million times, color me shocked that the guy you liked enough to keep fucking turned into someone you liked when you weren’t fucking, too. Wow, like, wow! Funny how that works. I love it when people are like “omg this is the first time I’ve ever had feelings for someone!!” Like, how the fuck is that possible? How did you make it to college, and through all the bullshit, hormonal, adolescent years that came before it without ever feeling affection for another person? I mean I’m glad you’ve discovered this basic element of human biochemistry, but goddamn this anti-vaxx bullshit is clearly ruining our nation’s youth, and not just because they’re all dying of rubella.

To get to your problem, you didn’t fuck up by proposing exclusivity, per se. You fucked up by proposing exclusive hooking up, which is both a) not really a thing and b) obviously not really what you wanted. You want something resembling an exclusive relationship, even if it’s “label-free.” But you didn’t say that, and guys are idiots who take everything at face value (especially this one, remember)—there is no reason on earth for him to take that deal, for the reasons you described above. It’s all of the restrictions of a relationship, but with none of the companionship and actual GOOD shit that comes with keeping the strings attached.

The good news? This probably isn’t going to stop him from wanting to fuck you. I mean, all the components are still there. But in the future, if you want something (like the exploration of a relationship), you have to fucking ask for it. Remember: no guy was ever scared off by the mere suggestion, unless you’re doing it on the first date or something.

Head Pro knows better than to even pretend to text you after a one-nighter, because he respects you too much. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

10 Dating Profile Red Flags You Should Always Swipe Left On

Our therapist once told us “when people show you who they are, believe them” and we can’t remember if she was talking about our parents or the President, but this very much applies to online dating as well. If you want to know whether or not someone is right for you, look no further than the version of themselves they hope you will believe. I mean, if someone can’t come across as a cool person when they have an entire camera roll of photos and the help of their friends at their disposal, there’s no way they’re going to be bearable over drinks. Honestly, anything less than an A+ dating profile is totally unacceptable these days. Like, you can literally pay someone on Craigslist to do this for you. It’s not that hard. But as much as men are responsible for throwing up red flags on the apps, women are responsible for blatantely ignoring them. I’m sorry but you thought the guy who posted a pic of himself shirtless next to a jaguar that he killed in Africa was going to be a fun hookup? Think again. Behind every shirtless mirror selfie, there is a divorce paper that you can easily avoid signing if you just heed these warning signs:

1. His Pictures Feature Multiple Hot Girls

Unless it’s clearly a family reunion and his mom is just a MILF, there’s no reason to feature any other women on your dating profile, no matter how hot you think you look in that tux from your cousin Brad’s wedding. This is a red flag for many reasons. One, she’s either an ex or a current girlfriend and you’re not about to jump into sidepiece nation for anyone. Two, if she’s just a friend, he’s either trying to score jealousy points from you OR he is really that dumb and doesn’t realize how shitty this looks. If it’s the latter, he probably doesn’t tip well either amongst other dumb guy habits, so you’re better off without him.

2. His Profile Is Completely Blank.

If he can’t think of one good thing to say, imagine trying to hold a conversation with him. Nobody wants to date someone that tries too hard, but not trying at all means he’ll probably be a dud in bed. I mean, how hard is it to introduce yourself and say one witty thing? The dating profile is kind of like a cover letter, and if he can’t write a good cover letter, he probably doesn’t have a good job.

3. His Profile Is Full Of Demands.

Example: “If you’re high maintenance DO NOT SWIPE RIGHT,” or “Only Girls Who Watch Dr. Who Need Apply.” Look, if you want to compare dealbreakers, our list is ten times longer than yours. But this is a dating profile, not an autobiography. That’s what the first date is for. Or at least wait until we match before you start asking judgemental question about our taste in music. Don’t worry, we’re judging you much harder than you’re judging us. If his profile sounds angry or demanding, guess what? He is probably angry and demanding. Swipe left on that loser.

4. You Can Only Ever See One Angle Of His Face.

There’s no such thing as a good side if you’re hot because every side is your good side. If all his photos are taken from one angle, he’s not showing you his full face for a reason. Or maybe they’re all close up and you can’t tell what his body looks like. That means he’s much shorter than he’s letting on. No tall guy is ever like, whoops I just forgot to mention I was tall. That’s like running a marathon and never telling anyone, what’s the point?

5. There Is A Prevalence Of Winky Face Emojis.

The occasional ironic emoji is acceptable, but anyone overusing emojis to express themselves is probably the type of guy who gets overly touchy and doesn’t understand personal boundaries. He’s like definitely stared at his female boss’s boobs too long, and he probably calls everyone “sweetheart” to avoid having to remember names. Gross.

6. He Looks Different In All His Photos.

One of them is definitely from ten years ago. If you can’t tell what he looks like, it’s not because he’s Batman and has a secret identity he can’t let you know about. He’s probably just insecure about how he currently looks and chose a bunch of out of date photos to represent him on his profile. If he looked like his pictures, he would look the same in all his pictures.

7. He Talks About How Good He Is At Sex.

You know how the dudes who are the worst at sex always think they’re the best? Yeah, that’s because sex isn’t about the dude, it’s about both people, and if a guy is trying to “win” at sex than 100% he is terrible at it. If he’s posting about his great “skills” on his profile, he’s probably never made a woman finish in his life. Plus he probably has herpes.

8. His List Of What He’s Not Into Is Longer Than His List Of What He Likes.

He is quick to tell you what type of girls he’s not into, but you have no idea if he even has a personality you would like. Guess what? He doesn’t. If your personality is based on just hating things, it’s probably because your personality sucks. He probably thinks about the world in a negative way, and before you know it you’ll be 6 months into dating and he’ll say something dumb like “maybe you should start working out more”.

9. All His Photos Feature Celebrities (Wax Or Real).

Does this guy not have any friends? Nobody cares that you went to Madame Tussaud’s and snapped a selfie with The Rock. Even if you met the actual Rock, this is a dating profile, not a resume of celebrity encounters.

10. He Is An Unknown Actor/Rapper/Model And All His Pictures Are Headshots.

He is definitely going to try and network and honestly he’s probably only dating so he can have a scene study partner. In the slim chance he seems normal, you might try and go on a date with him, but just be warned that he’s insecure by nature and will definitely ask you to help him with his self-tape.

READ: Best First Date Bars To Take Your Next Bumble Bro

 

Why Using Snapchat Is For Fuckboys

This week the Betches talk about the Fourth of July, the Kanye/Jay Z & Rob Kardashian/Blac Chyna feuds, answer questions from a listener who wants to know if it’s ok to hook up with a guy that her friend has a history with, and play Would You Rather as well as Shoot, F*ck, Marry.

10 Signs Your Casual Relationship Turned Serious & You Played Yourself

So you’re in a casual thing and it’s fine. It’s like, whatever. Like you’re not even looking for a relationship. Right? Maybe you just got out of a longterm relay or maybe you just can’t handle commitment. Honestly, being desperate for a boyfriend is such a nicegirl thing, unless you’re in seventh grade in which case it still makes you cool to hold hands on the quad. But just because you haven’t made it official doesn’t mean you’re not low-key already in a relationship. If you relate to this list, then we hate to break it to you, but you’re kind of in a relationship.

1. You text each other every day and not just to hook up. I mean, let’s start with the basics. If you’ve been talking to each other everyday for over a month, you’re def more than just casual hookups. Like, I can’t even remember to text my mom back sometimes. If some guy is sending you random shit he finds on the internet or just saying “how’s your day?” you’ve def left the shallow end.

2. When your friends see one of out they ask where the other one is. And you’re like, Idk, why don’t you text him? Or if you’re both at a party people ask you, “hey, where’s Jared?” like you’re supposed to know exactly where he is at all times. (He’s outside smoking.) So maybe you get asked about each other because you actually do show up to things together all the time. Whoops.

3. You’re each other’s #1 best friend on Snapchat. I mean, sometimes technology knows us better than we know ourselves. Like have you seen Black Mirror? You might tell yourself you’re not in a relationship, but one day hearts just showed up next to his name in Snapchat and you were like “how did they know!?”

4. You have plans to hang out on the next big holiday. If there’s a three day weekend you make plans to hang out. If it’s New Year’s you’re def hanging out. He asks you what you’re doing before he makes any big plans, because sorry to break it to you… you are the plan.

5. When the DJ calls out the single ladies, you don’t put your hands up. AND that’s after three vodka sodas, and you know alcohol brings out the truth. It’s not like you’re in a relationship, you just don’t want to advertise as being single. Or maybe you’re not single.

6. He remembers stuff about you that you don’t even remember telling him. Like your childhood pet’s name or all of your allergies. The fact that he remembers little details about your life means you’ve spent enough time with each other for you to tell him.

7. You haven’t opened Bumble in weeks. Things are so casual that you casually forgot you were supposed to be dating other people. Whoops. You legit forgot to open up the app and every once in a while you remember so you spend a few minutes swiping, but then get bored and text him instead.

8. You tell each other when you’re going out of town so you can make a plan to hang out before. There’s nothing more satisfying than being out of town when a casual hookup texts you to hang out—it makes you feel wanted in multiple cities like Ludacris. Like, whoops I forgot to tell you I’m off being more interesting than hanging out with you. So if you’re telling each other about your travel plans it means he’s made it to your inner circle. You are well past the courting phase.

9. You get invited on double dates from your other couple friends. Uh, Tracy and Mark have been dating for two years, you are NOT in the same boat. Speaking of boat, a booze cruise does sound fun. Why TF not? Oh, it’s a couples cruise? Hah. Ironic, because you’re not a couple. Or are you?

10. When you think about your future, he’s in it. You’re thinking about getting wasted at your birthday party, and he’s taking you home. And your birthday isn’t for another six months. Or you know, more future stuff, but who really thinks that far ahead? Anyways, the point is he creeps into your daydreams and you don’t hate it.