Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is. Email your questions for him to [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
As much as I love this column I never thought I’d have to write in to it, but here it goes. For clarification, what’s done is done, but I need to know if/how I could have handled this clusterfuck of a situation differently.
I recently handed in my notice and will be moving out of the country, so with a month left, I thought I’d fire up the swiping apps and have some fun. I ended up meeting this guy for drinks who I found myself really physically attracted to, though I knew he was just looking for a fuck buddy and took my leaving the country soon to mean I’d be down too. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it but I’ve never really thrown caution to the wind so I decided to go with it.
I first met him on a Tuesday. Flash forward to Friday and we’ve been texting all week. I get a bit drunk and so does he and we end up going back to my place and having sex. To be honest, it wasn’t mind blowing, and at one point he jokingly told me I was ‘not even an object, an inanimate object,’ but I let him stay until morning and give me massages/cuddle because why the fuck not.
After that we continued our texting through the week, though he wasn’t exactly jumping on the opportunity to see me again. Finally on Sunday afternoon he asks if he can come over and against my better judgment I say why not. When he arrives my roommates are all home and I tell him it’s too awkward, so we go for coffee where he’s simultaneously all over me yet talking about his ex gf and how hard it was to break up with her A YEAR AGO….please. Just when I’m thinking OK, it’s fine, we can just go back to my place and fuck and at least I’ll get something out of it…the crimson wave arrives. Great.
I was so awkward about it that I still brought him back, ended up just making out with him and cuddling and pretending like I just didn’t want to do anything more. When he said he had to go, I begged him to stay like some kind of psycho girlfriend (why did I do this?! I have no idea?). Unsurprisingly, after that performance he texted me saying “You’re nice and that was nice, but I don’t think we should see each other again. We’re clearly very different people looking for different things right now.”
My question: am I a total psycho for what I did having him come over for a presumed booty call and then pulling that shit? Why, if I knew this was just gonna be a fuck buddy situation, didn’t I just leave it? The entire thing is so unlike me and I feel completely mortified/confused.
Someone who needs their citizenship revoked
Lmaoooooooooo. No, I don’t think you’re psycho, but you’re not, like, not psycho? I think we sell a shirt for people like you. And not for nothing, this guy sounds like he has a whole shitton of his own issues, without the excuse of an impending move overseas. Like, what’s your excuse for calling a willing sex partner an inanimate object, fucko? And I’m sorry, if a grown man over age of, oh, 25 or so can’t get over an ex within a year, he’s fucked up. We should implement a nationwide minimum swiping age of 30. I fully expect the NRA’s support in this initiative.
Anyway, some people respond to uncertainty by clinging to routine. You, apparently, do like the COMPLETE opposite and try some shit you wouldn’t ordinarily try. I think that’s ok. Most of us would probably be better off using big life changes to try new things, provided those things aren’t black tar heroin or thinking you can pull off bangs. Really, all this ended up being was you misreading a dead-end hookup situation and biting off a little more than you could chew—what little plan you had fell apart, and you short-circuited in the moment.
I’m no doctor, but I think that’s basically it: looming uncertainty about a new chapter in life combined with the uncharted waters of the NSA hookup scene. At least you managed to kill two (or more?) birds with one stone, and have learned the perils of being a clinger.
Hey Head Pro!
A few months back, my friend starting dating a guy she met on Tinder. After a few hang outs, she invited me to meet him and I immediately received flirtatious vibes from him. The next time I saw him, about a month later, he was openly flirting with me at a party while my friend was in the other room. He kept finding ways to touch me or to make me touch him (“feel my hair, there’s like no gel in it!”). When his girlfriend (my friend!) sat on his lap, he made seriously creepy eye contact with me.
I always try to brush it off, assuming I don’t really know him and perhaps it’s just his personality, but many of my other friends have noticed him staring at me or talking to me for too long or finding a way to bring me up in conversation. We’re now at the point where everyone but his girlfriend notices his behavior.
Here’s my question: do I bring it up to her and risk losing my friend or do I try to let it go and continue to act oblivious? Better yet, should I bring it up to him? What would I say in either of these scenarios?
I’m not sure how long they’ll last, but it doesn’t seem like he’ll be going anywhere any time soon.
Thanks for your help!
Flirting with Disaster
Ok first of all (and I mean no offense by this), if you’re getting flirty vibes after seeing him a month apart, I gotta assume it has a lot more to do with him than you. Like, the odds that he’s just flirting with you and not other people in that timeframe are extremely low. Unless your friend is dating a horny 13-year-old boy and is ALSO a bridge troll (who he’s dating for some reason, probably because she buys him beer), there’s no way he’s carrying a torch for you (and only you) for that long. I think you’re dealing with a standard-issue creepy person.
Regardless, no, you can’t say something. If you do, all your friend is gonna do is immediately accuse you of coming onto HIM, which is obviously untrue but people tend to trust the people they’re fucking. And don’t get grand visions of forming a united front and intervening that way, either—someone (possibly several people!) in the group likely doesn’t see his creepy advances in as poor a light as you do, and would probably defect and take her side in the argument. Oh god, that would be so much worse. Because then EVERYONE thinks you’re horny for him, and it would eventually get back to him, and then next time you see him (if you’re not ostracized from the group), he’d think he was Matt Dillon in Wild Things. “Matt Dillon in Wild Things” is how every creep ALREADY pictures himself, and you don’t wanna fuel that fire.
Instead, I would do your best to give him the benefit of the doubt and view him as one of those assholes who’s “just really friendly to everyone!” You know the type—guys who hug every female friend they have (why no love for the bros, Sir Hugs-a-Lot?), sound like politicians whenever they talk to new people (“so like, tell me your story”), and generally try to endear themselves to everyone by being insufferably, performatively nice. These guys are almost exclusively under 5’10” tall, for some reason.
If you can do that, you can practice the standard neutralizing tactics practiced by quasi-introverts like myself. Avoidance is the general rule; specifically no touching. His cringeworthy “touch my hair” bit is actually perfect, because you can dodge it without looking like a dick (unlike, say, a hug). Just be like “cool, yeah, I can tell” and refuse to play along further. Those people HATE when they can’t dictate the terms, and will usually lose interest if they feel they don’t have you under their spell anymore.
Also, figure out a way to get your friend to stop sitting on his fucking lap in public. This is a group outing, for chrissakes.
Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is. Email your questions for him to [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Fuckboys are not always easy to spot in the wild, given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in. Any betch that’s been through the Amazon jungle of dating knows that meeting a fuckboy now is like finding a Rattata in the original Gameboy Pokemon—it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to getting rid of the fuckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of fuckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating is a fuckboy you should def ditch.
1. He asks you to hang out but doesn’t text you to follow up, and when you ask if you’re still on he’s just like, “sure where should I meet you”.
2. He says things like, “we should hang” but never initiates an actual date.
3. He says things like, “let me know when you’re free” rather than proposing an actual time and place.
4. When you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, he avoids answering and says something like, “you don’t have to worry about that”
5. He uses phrases like, “keep me posted” and, “let’s stay in touch” when you invite him to come out instead of just giving you a straight answer.
6. His friends don’t seem to know who you are, which means chances are slim he’s raving about you to them.
7. Or his friends all know who you are but act like they know something you don’t because they do: They know he’s seeing other people.
8. He’ll disappear for days without you hearing from him, and when he finally resurfaces he offers no explanation, like it’s perfectly normal.
9. When you ask him what’s up, he over-explains why he’s been so busy and offers specific details like, “hey! just been super busy with this work presentation and my cousin’s in town and also my dog is sick so I haven’t been sleeping what’s up with you?” which really translates to, “please don’t ask me to hang out.”
10. When other guys flirt with you in front of him he seems totally unfazed, not in a chill, do-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-a-feminist way, but in the honestly-could-not-care-less-about-you way.
11. When you run into other girls when you’re out, he definitely doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and sometimes doesn’t introduce you at all.
12. He’s always texting other people when you’re together, and they’re def not all bros.
13. He shadily will not respond to you during prime date hours of 7-11pm, because he’s obvs on other dates.
14. His friends avoid direct eye contact with you when there’s other girls flirting with him, and more than likely some of them are also hooking up with him.
15. He’s never initiated taking a picture with you, and he’s never posted one of you guys hanging out on his social media.
If you spot, like, more than three of these behaviors, it’s time to reevaluate your life and your choices (not to mention your relationship). For more dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, and stop falling for fuckboys.
Images: Elsa Donald on Unsplash; Giphy (18)
As modern women, we are all doomed to hit it with a fuckboy at least once in our lives, if we want to maintain the steady stream of sexual attention TV and movies say we should be receiving at all times. But which type of fuckboy is the best for you? Well what better way to find that out than to base it on the approximate locations of the planets when you were born? Honestly, seems like a much more accurate system than basing it on the two best photos of someone that may or may not be from 15 pounds ago and a bio that their best girl friend wrote that is almost 100% lies.
ARIES: THE EMOTIONAL FUCKBOY
Aries betches are all drama, so they’re going to want a fuckboy who can keep up. What’s the point of having a drunken screaming match in the middle of an Arby’s if the guy you’re yelling at isn’t even going to throw fries at the cashier? Aries enjoy bringing excitement into others’ lives, and what could be more exciting than showing up at someone’s window with gasoline and a lit match demanding to know if he’s sleeping with other people? Your friends will absolutely hate this guy and dedicate entire groupchats to how to get him out of your friend group, but they shouldn’t worry. You will eventually get bored of this fuckboy and impulsively block him on all socials so that you can start the process all over again with one of his closest friends.
TAURUS: THE WEIRDLY OLD FUCKBOY
Taurus betches are down to earth and don’t like inviting instability into their lives. For this reason, they’re going to need a fuckboy who is a little bit more of a fuckman if they want their relationship to work. Sure, his hair may be receding and there’s gray in his beard, but he also has a savings account with over $5 in it and a real apartment that he like, owns. Tauruses are also notoriously bad at breakups, which is why it might be better for you to find someone who is more likely to die before that happens. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this guy wants a real relationship, though. He may be old enough to be your dad, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants to be a dad. You know?
GEMINI: THE FOREIGN FUCKBOY
Gemini betches are unpredictable and need constant excitement to avoid being bored, which is why the best fuckboy for a Gemini is one that fully does not even go here. This fuckboy can slip in and out of your life without doing something annoying like becoming friends with your friends or “wanting to know what you’re up to.” Hooking up with this fuckboy is always exciting because you know your time is limited, and his accent is so thick you’re not 100% sure what he’s saying most of the time. If one of you does make the mistake of catching feelings, all you have to do is say Trump won’t let you leave the country and stop answering his texts. Ghost this bro with impunity knowing there’s almost 0 chance you’ll awkwardly run into each other at your local bar.
CANCER: THE MAN-BOY FUCKBOY
Cancer is the mommy of the zodiac, meaning a Cancer betch is going to want a fuckboy that she can take care of—aka “tell what to do.” The best fuckboy hookup for you will be one where you somehow end up staying all day and cleaning his apartment after. For whatever reason, you want a man who needs help setting up his own email account. Luckily, thanks to Judd Apatow & Co., the man-boy thing is very popular amongst men these days so you should have no problem finding one of your very own. Seriously. Just go to like, any bar with a $5 beer/shot special and you’ll be picking his ass up from soccer practice in no time.
LEO: THE AGGRESSIVELY HONEST FUCKBOY
As a Leo betch, you are proud AF and have no time for people who want to fuck with you. That’s why the fuckboy in your life needs to be the rare kind that are aggressively honest about everything. Like, the type of dude who will stop you mid-bone to tell you he’d prefer to have your pelvis at a 45 degree angle. Coded messages and random 3am sad face emojis are not going to work for you. You’d rather have a guy whose dating profile says “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site” than some d-bag who waits three dates to tell you he’s actually in an “open relationship” by which he means “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site.” Honesty you can work with. Bullshit mind games you cannot.
VIRGO: THE FUCKBOY FROM CLASS
Virgo betches are highly intellectual, meaning that you’re going to want a fuckboy who can stimulate both your body and your mind. That’s why when a scruffy looking semi-hipster from your Politics of Developing Nations class slides into your DMs, you won’t hate it. The two of you can be boning one minute, then discussing your professor’s latest lecture series the next. He might even be down to Netflix binge all the fucked up documentaries you usually save for private time. Just don’t be surprised if he starts asking to copy your notes, and def don’t expect this guy to stick around into next semester, no matter how good your thesis is.
LIBRA: THE RICH FUCKBOY
Libra betches have expensive tastes, meaning that any fuckboy who even dreams of hitting it with a Libra better come correct with the budget to do so. If a guy wants the honor of sporadically answering your texts for a period of several months, then he needs to make sure that when he does finally decide to answer he’s inviting you to dinner at the nicest restaurant in town. Any man who thinks he can bring you back to the shitty rowhouse and mattress on the floor that he shares with his 15 unemployed roommates and still get in your pants is fucking delusional. You’ll be uber-blacking home before he can say “Sorry, we’re out of toilet paper.”
SCORPIO: THE HORNY AF FUCKBOY
Scorpio is the horniest of all signs, meaning that scorpio betches are going to need an equally horny fuckboy if the relationship is going to be even remotely rewarding. If he’s not down to exchange nude snaps at work, he is not the fuckboy for you. You don’t even really need to know this fuckboy’s name, TBH. All you need to know is if he’s up and has a semi-functional dick. The two of you will get exactly what you want out of this relationship, and part ways on good terms, until one of you has to inevitably call the other three years later to let them know they should probably get tested for HPV.
SAGITTARIUS: THE PARTYING FUCKBOY
Sagittarius betches are aggressively fun, so you’re going to need a fuckboy who can keep up the pace. You don’t need some lame-ass dude who is going to show up to the club and immediately start badgering you to go home and smoke weed. You need someone who is going to show up with a stolen bottle of Everclear and a friend who says he knows where you guys can “get a boat.” Just please try to remember to tell your friends where you’re going because you two might seriously end up dead in each other’s company.
CAPRICORN: THE INSTA-FAMOUS FUCKBOY
Capricorns, like Slytherins, are very ambitious betches. That’s why you’re going to need a your man to have a certain amount of social credibility before you agree to be his fuckwoman. Anyone with less than two thousand followers on Twitter and Insta, with an average of 3 LPM (likes per minute) is not going to cut it. If you’re going to be hanging out with some dude all night, you need to make sure that dude’s Snap stories are being seen by DJ Khaled levels of people. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. This way you know that when you unfollow him, he’ll definitely notice and be pissed off for weeks.
AQUARIUS: THE FRIEND/FUCKBOY
Aquarius betches DGAF what anybody thinks of them, which is why you are more than down to break the cardinal rule of not fucking your friends in favor of totally fucking all of your friends. You like to have deep connections and personal history with the people in your life, which is why the friend/fuckboy is perfect for you. The two of you can hop into bed together knowing the full catalogue of shitty things you’ve said about previous lovers, and when you’re done you can just roll over and commence talking shit on The Dud or that kid you were friends with in high school who is like, super Christian now.
PISCES: THE REFORMED FUCKBOY
Dating a fuckboy is tricky for a Pisces betch because pisces, generally, are looking for a real commitment. That’s why you’re going to need to find yourself a fuckboy who has turned his back on his fuckboyish tendencies and is ready for a relationship that also exists outside the hours of midnight and 3am. Does he still wear a flat brim and pounds of body spray that somehow smells both good and bad? Sure. Is he going to freak out when, one week in, you casually bring up that your parents are in town? Nope. He’s all about it. In fact, he has personalized gifts for each member of your family and already knows all their names from memorizing your social media profiles. Just don’t expect him to be good at texting. No man is actually good at texting.
Now that dating apps are like chill to use (kinda), you’re probably on a few of them. The way bros swipe is honestly exhausting, while betches are more selective of who they let past their filter. Unfortunately, the swipe-right-all-the-time attitude of bros means you’ll need to actually try harder to get his attention when you match. Not like, try hard, but more than doing nothing. It used to be that we could just get away with a “hey” but Bumble basically forced us to let bros know we’re witty and hot first instead of letting them do the courting before we decide if we should try. But, yay feminism, right?
Now betches are forced with dealing with a problem that used to be reserved for the bros: What do you message without sounding lame? Here are a few ideas, you’re welcome. Not all apps require betches to message first, but you might as well take note here, since Tinder is a wasteland and most bros get their pickup lines from the internet anyway.
1. “You want to get out of here?” It’s flirty but it doesn’t make any sense so it will grab his attention without sounding desperate.
2. “What should I say to this cute guy on Tinder?” and then message him after that with “Oh no! This isn’t Google search is it.” It’s playful but lets him know you have a sense of humor.
3. “If I told you I’m a time traveler from the future, what’s the one thing you want to know?” This one’s for the secret nerd betches and is great because it gets the conversation started with a question that isn’t just “where are you from?” But depending on how he answers, you can still learn a lot from him.
4. “I bet I can guess your favorite movie.” Or insert any other favorite in there. Then guess Fight Club. I mean, there’s an 80% chance you’re right. But it doesn’t matter if you’re wrong because you have something to talk about. And if he says it’s not Fight Club, hide your shock just say “good, I was hoping you’d say that”.
5. Tell him something about yourself that’s vaguely related to his profile, like “I went to London this year too but I don’t have a dog as cute as yours” if he has a picture in London and one with his dog. Literally it doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as it’s specific and somewhat interesting.
6. Suggest something fun to do that isn’t drinks and make it specific. For example, “Want to get ice cream?” or “You want to go on a taco crawl?” He’ll appreciate the initiative and because you already suggested something to do you’re taking the pressure off him planning. Chances are he’ll still take you out on a proper date first, so whatever casual thing you mentioned can be on deck for a second date.
7. “I think you’re pretty.” If we had a dime for every time a bro said “you’re pretty” to us, we’d still have no use for dimes. But sometimes a simple opener is the best, and instead of calling him cute or hot, just call him pretty.
8. “You have good taste.” This is a little cheeky but it will show him that you’re honest and confident about yourself. He has good taste for swiping right on you, but you also are letting him know that you’re into him too. When in doubt, just bring it back to you. You are, after all, trying to show him who you are so he’ll want to date you.
We’ve officially reached a point where dating apps are a standard way to meet people. Much like CD’s replaced the cassette and the record before that, technology is changing and making things more convenient, which your grandma will argue makes them less worthwhile. Can I live, Nana? In the case of dating apps vs meeting people IRL, you’re still talking about yourself to people and judging their ability to make you happy for life. We’ve just gone from watching their dance moves at the sock hop or whatever to swiping through vacation photos and judging their ability to write a short witty bio and wondering why so many guys pose with dead fish.
But no matter how witty someone is on Tinder, they still don’t matter until you’ve met them in person. I mean, remember Smarterchild? You can talk with a bot on AIM for hours, but that bot will never care how your day went. So obvs the goal of dating apps is to actually meet someone in person to decide if you’re into them or not. How long should you actually talk before meeting up? Here is our definitive guide to when you should and shouldn’t meet up with someone.
You’ve been talking for about week constantly but you haven’t exchanged numbers yet: So if you and a guy are hitting it off, you should make a plan to hang out within the week you matched. That means you probably have had time to figure out the basics like job, location, whether he can reply to texts on time or not, and how likely he is to murder you and wear your skin. Plus by then Facebook will have decided he’s your soulmate and start putting him in Suggested Friends. You know he’s seeing the same thing on his profile. If you don’t make plans to meet and he’s already worked his way into your algorithm, you’ve waited too long.
It’s best to make a plan for that weekend or the next week, because anything later means you’ll probably just cancel on each other. Once you make plans, instead of simmering on the dating app, you should give him your number so you can text each other in the day leading up to meeting IRL. Switching from dating app messaging to texting a few days before the date will make it feel like you’re building to something. You’ll be able to have longer conversations that won’t feel like you’re talking to ten other people at the same time.
You’ve been talking on and off for almost a month, and neither of you have made plans to meet up: I mean, he sees that you’re witty and hot and still hasn’t asked you out? Then he’s probably in a relationship and def just using Tinder to power play his way out of feeling trapped. If he hasn’t asked you out yet but you’re also not that into it, you’re probably both keeping each other as backburners for when you’re both bored. You should unmatch him because your time is precious and why waste perfect conversation on a mediocre match?
He asks you to get drinks as soon as you match: If he asks you to meet up on the first conversation you have, he’s just trying to fuck. Like, this guy doesn’t even know that you have a job or that your hobbies don’t include arson, and he’s already trying to meet up? Only reason he’d risk that is for the pussy. He’s not trying to get to know you. So unless you’re one day post-breakup territory, him pushing to get drinks right away is usually a red flag. If that’s not what you’re into, just unmatch him. Don’t even bother giving an excuse.
He asked you for your number after talking to you for a few days: He probably does want to meet up with you but is intimidated. I mean, why wouldn’t he be? If he’s already asked for your number, he is interested. Ask him if he wants to get drinks—if he made the move to get your number he’ll appreciate you taking the lead on setting a plan.
He says things like “We should get drinks sometime” but doesn’t actually make a plan and sometimes takes weeks to respond: Fuck this guy. He wants to keep you on his radar for a hookup in the very distant—and I mean distant—future. I mean, if you’re into that and need to add a new guy to your rotation, then by all means entertain this fuckery. But you’re not a priority to this dude and in reality you’re more likely to meet John Stamos on a plane and have him tell you you’re pretty than actually get drinks with the Tinder dude. It’s like he’s already gone out on dates and came back around and found you and thought, “oh yeah… her.” You don’t want to be a sweater he found while cleaning out his closet that he decides to try on for fun. Block that bro.
He makes a plan for two weeks from now: He is either going to cancel on you, or you’re going to cancel on him. Neither of you really care that much about each other or you’d try harder to hang out. In the back of your mind you think he could be the love of your life if you just met him, but deep down you know that’s def not true. Like, you probably enjoyed 3 out of 5 of his photos, and he may have said something politically insensitive that makes you think you are not going to enjoy talking to him. Unmatch him and move on, you don’t need new friends.
Sure, you may have started hooking up with a bro you didn’t exactly want to date, but as often happens when two people sleep together after a while, you may have actually developed feelings. Not giving a fuck is betchy, but falling for someone you routinely touch body parts with also doesn’t make you less of a betch. It literally just means nature is doing its job. Congrats, you’ve just discovered, like so many unhappy housewives before you, that sex bonds people emotionally. Not telling him how you feel, however, is not very betchy.
If you’re in a casual hookup situationship, chances are you’ve thought about him being your boyfriend. You may have even said something to your friends like, “He’s basically my boyfriend, but without the title.” Here’s the thing: if you’ve thought about it, he’s thought about it. For every time one of your girlfriends asked you, “So what are you guys?” or “Why don’t you guys just put a label on it?” one of his friends has probably asked him the same thing. Okay, make that once for every five times, because let’s be honest, bros don’t talk about this shit as much we do. But they still talk about it a little. Which means he’s had to define your relationship to his friends. Which also means he can fucking handle talking to you, the girl he is sticking his penis into, about it.
In the same vein, if you have feelings for him and have wondered whether he feels the same about you, he’s also given this some thought. He is a bro living in the same world you are, and he’s (probably) not an idiot. This means that he either 1) is on the same page as you and returns your feelings or 2) doesn’t really give a shit but enjoys the sex. Either way, he’s considered his stance on this issue and just because you keep things ambiguous with each other doesn’t mean there isn’t an answer at the end of the day.
If you’re enjoying what’s going on, but you’d say “FUCK YEAH” if he asked you to be his girlfriend, then you should tell him how you feel. Because this means you want more than a casual hookup. And if we’re really being honest, there is no such thing as “casual” after the three month mark. Waiting for him to bring up the subject is like getting robbed and then instead of calling the police, you hope the thief’s conscience kicks in and he returns your money with an apology. How often does that happen? It’s not impossible, but uh, most people would call 911. His conscience isn’t going to kick in; you need to make the call. You don’t have to wait for him to tell you where you stand; you can tell him where you stand.
As a betch, you don’t wait in line at clubs, so why would you wait to “see what happens” in a relationship? It might feel like you’re giving up your power when you tell someone you like them, but staying in a casual relationship when you want more is the most powerless you can be.
If you tell him you’re into him and want to date, two things could happen. He could either admit that he feels the same way and say “LET’S DO IT”, or he could admit that he’s not feeling it and wants to keep things casual. No matter what, he’s not going to say, “EW GROSS GET AWAY FROM ME I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” He’s already having sex with you, so if you’re okay with casual, you can go back to casual. In no universe is he going to want to stop having sex with you because you have feelings for him, so you either get what you want or resume the status quo.
Obviously, no self-respecting betch would really choose to go back to the way things were, but the point is, you can. Which means you literally have nothing to lose.
Here’s the final reason why you should just pull the trigger on the feelings conversation: A betch has no interest in dating a bro that doesn’t want to date her. Just by telling him you want to date him (or whatever you feel), you’re allowing yourself to get over him if he says no. There’s no faster way to get over someone than to find out they don’t think you’re a goddess. Because there’s plenty of people that do.
I get it. When you’re a wrinkly and crusty old lady, you want to be able to set the grandbabies down for tea and regale them with tales of your golden era as a sexually adventurous, totally bangable piece. Dropping sugar cubes and knowledge as an old lady like you once dropped that ass. I know. Dream. But let’s be real, some sex trends, like any trend, are just embarrassing and you should probably never admit you tried them—just like how you should burn all your pictures from the time you shaved half your head and thought exposing the strip of torso above your belly button was cute. So hold on to your lube-coated ankles, because I’m here to de-mystify some of culture’s most overrated sex positions—the ones that everyone pretends to love when in reality they’re boring/uncomfortable/outright weird. You’re welcome.
1. The Sixty-Nine (69)
Fine, laugh at the number. I’ll wait.
Now that that’s done, let’s break down the practicalities that make this oft-referenced position an actual nightmare. First, there’s the matter of angles. If you’re doing it right, your partner isn’t going to be flaccid, meaning he’ll be jamming it down (or up—I leave that up to you) your throat in a way that’s going to force your jaw into a dangerously uncomfortable position. The only way to avoid hyperextending your lower mandible is to be twisting yourself around some dude who’s significantly shorter than you, and… I mean… ew. So, assuming your hookup is a respectable height, there’s the chance you’ll end up at the doctor with lockjaw. And then there’s the fact that it’s kind of impossible to enjoy oral when you’re focused on also giving good oral at the same time. You can’t even give directions because you literally have a mouth full of dick.
Secondly, there’s the matter of buttholes—namely, the butthole of each participant. Butts in your face. Butts near your mouth. I don’t care how often you frequent the anal bleaching center—it’s not going to be a pretty sight. Just say no to this position. Nobody wins and everybody loses.
2. The Pile-Driver
All right, ladies, I know you’ve been dedicated to that New Year’s Resolution to find your zen and master your gym’s intermediate yoga classes (if only you kept that resolution not to hook up with randos in music festival port-a-johns anymore as successfully), but the bedroom isn’t necessarily the time to show off.
Who am I kidding? Of course it is. But the pile-driver isn’t going to bring out the peace in you, I promise.
Sure, you might feel sexy sinking into plow in your Lululemon yoga pants, but naked is a whole other thing altogether. Literally no one can curl up like that without having a flabby pack of rolls present themselves like a pan of fresh-baked King’s Hawaiians at Easter dinner. And you, with your craned neck and unavoidable double-chin, get a front row seat to the roll-a-rama. Then enter some dude stage center, to literally sit on your butt, as if gravity and your own body weight weren’t enough on an inconvenience to your attempted sexiness. Then you have to just remain there, immobilized, with the weight of a grown-ass adult pressing down on your neck, while he tries to find a way to get his erect dick to aim the exact opposite direction from its natural inclination in order to penetrate you.
No one’s in total control of their body in this situation. So you’re both forcing your bodies to do things they don’t want to do, pretending like anything’s going to come from it other than eventual debilitating scoliosis. Oh, and you know he’s going to “accidentally” go for the wrong hole.
3. Doggie Style
“Oooooh, my guy’s so kinky, he likes to hit it from behind, blah blah blah.” WHATEVER. Yeah, I was in tenth grade once too. But it’s time to grow up. Can we all agree that doggie style is the new missionary? There’s nothing exciting about it anymore. Maybe it’s hot if you’re facing a mirror, but more often than not you’re just face-down in a dirty comforter, trying to not suffocate for four and a half minutes with your eyes pounding around in your skull.
And I hate to break it to you ladies, but if he can only come when he’s hitting it doggie style—HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. Worse, he prob doesn’t even find you attractive. Are you his girlfriend? Ariana Grande? Nicolas Cage? From your dude’s point of view, he literally cannot tell. Plus, why am I going to spend an hour contouring and highlighting my face for a dick appointment if he’s just gonna flip me over and rub it all off on the pillow anyway? That’s gonna be a no from me, dog.
4. Titty Fucking
You know where my clit is not? It’s not on my damn sternum, I’ll tell you that much. NEXT.
5. The Stand And Carry
I know it’s tempting, but unless you are both professional athletes, abort the fucking mission. This position requires a lot more core strength and endurance than you’d imagine. Plus, your guy’s biceps needs to be ripped, because despite you doing your sexiest naked koala impression, the onus to keep you from falling to your (very sweaty) death falls on his muscular arms. Have you ever started slipping from a piggy-back ride? Now imagine the same misstep, only from a piggy-front ride and with a hard-on clobbering away at your innards. And you’re naked. There’s just too much space for disaster.
6. Shower Sex
You know when you’re slicker than a baby oil-covered slip and slide? One of the worst things you can do is to wash it all away. If your dude is making you as horny as he damned well better, then your body is going to produce all the moisture you need to do the damn thing. (Sorry, I said moist in a sex article.) (Sorry, I did it again.) If you’re wet and ready to go, climbing in the shower is just going to rinse away all your body’s hard work. Plus, you’re going to have to take a real shower after sex, so this is pointless on many levels.
Even moving past the issue of lubrication, shower sex is overrated because people assume it’s steamy, but they forget that hot water only lasts so long. Do you really want to have hot shower sex for sixteen minutes—twelve if the neighbors flush the toilet—and then suddenly be boning under a glacial waterfall? And you’ll probably be concentrating so hard on not slipping and falling and cracking your skull on the tile and dying of a brain injury that you won’t even enjoy the sex.
7. Reverse Cowgirl
Only rodeo clowns ride horses backward. Are you a rodeo clown? No? Moving on.
If you and your new husband Jeremiah have just arrived to some isolated Mozambique village in the 1920s with a charge from God to build a church and teach the children, and you’ve just dismounted from your eighteen hour carriage journey to sweep the rug of your new hut, and you look over to your straw mattress to see Jeremiah giving you that come-hither stare from beneath the brim of his Panama hat, then sure, have missionary sex with that beautiful, boring, god-fearing man right this instant. But if you’re showing up at Chad from Bumble’s loft at 11:45pm with a half-empty bottle of silver tequila and push-up bra with whipped cream stains on the cup, then trust me when I say that missionary is not the position for you.
Not only is it boring as all hell, but you run the risk of Chad wanting to maintain eye contact with you while he mutters about how much he loves you or the ways you resemble his ex or his favorite scone recipes or literally ANYTHING. All the while you just have to watch him watch you. The risk factors are immense.
Obviously, do your thing—if you’re super into doggystyle or something, I give not a single fuck. Just know that there’s a whole world of (actually good) sex positions out there you’re leaving unexplored.
So you’re in a casual thing and it’s fine. It’s like, whatever. Like you’re not even looking for a relationship. Right? Maybe you just got out of a longterm relay or maybe you just can’t handle commitment. Honestly, being desperate for a boyfriend is such a nicegirl thing, unless you’re in seventh grade in which case it still makes you cool to hold hands on the quad. But just because you haven’t made it official doesn’t mean you’re not low-key already in a relationship. If you relate to this list, then we hate to break it to you, but you’re kind of in a relationship.
1. You text each other every day and not just to hook up. I mean, let’s start with the basics. If you’ve been talking to each other everyday for over a month, you’re def more than just casual hookups. Like, I can’t even remember to text my mom back sometimes. If some guy is sending you random shit he finds on the internet or just saying “how’s your day?” you’ve def left the shallow end.
2. When your friends see one of out they ask where the other one is. And you’re like, Idk, why don’t you text him? Or if you’re both at a party people ask you, “hey, where’s Jared?” like you’re supposed to know exactly where he is at all times. (He’s outside smoking.) So maybe you get asked about each other because you actually do show up to things together all the time. Whoops.
3. You’re each other’s #1 best friend on Snapchat. I mean, sometimes technology knows us better than we know ourselves. Like have you seen Black Mirror? You might tell yourself you’re not in a relationship, but one day hearts just showed up next to his name in Snapchat and you were like “how did they know!?”
4. You have plans to hang out on the next big holiday. If there’s a three day weekend you make plans to hang out. If it’s New Year’s you’re def hanging out. He asks you what you’re doing before he makes any big plans, because sorry to break it to you… you are the plan.
5. When the DJ calls out the single ladies, you don’t put your hands up. AND that’s after three vodka sodas, and you know alcohol brings out the truth. It’s not like you’re in a relationship, you just don’t want to advertise as being single. Or maybe you’re not single.
6. He remembers stuff about you that you don’t even remember telling him. Like your childhood pet’s name or all of your allergies. The fact that he remembers little details about your life means you’ve spent enough time with each other for you to tell him.
7. You haven’t opened Bumble in weeks. Things are so casual that you casually forgot you were supposed to be dating other people. Whoops. You legit forgot to open up the app and every once in a while you remember so you spend a few minutes swiping, but then get bored and text him instead.
8. You tell each other when you’re going out of town so you can make a plan to hang out before. There’s nothing more satisfying than being out of town when a casual hookup texts you to hang out—it makes you feel wanted in multiple cities like Ludacris. Like, whoops I forgot to tell you I’m off being more interesting than hanging out with you. So if you’re telling each other about your travel plans it means he’s made it to your inner circle. You are well past the courting phase.
9. You get invited on double dates from your other couple friends. Uh, Tracy and Mark have been dating for two years, you are NOT in the same boat. Speaking of boat, a booze cruise does sound fun. Why TF not? Oh, it’s a couples cruise? Hah. Ironic, because you’re not a couple. Or are you?
10. When you think about your future, he’s in it. You’re thinking about getting wasted at your birthday party, and he’s taking you home. And your birthday isn’t for another six months. Or you know, more future stuff, but who really thinks that far ahead? Anyways, the point is he creeps into your daydreams and you don’t hate it.