Fuckboys are not always easy to spot in the wild, given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in. Any betch that’s been through the Amazon jungle of dating knows that meeting a fuckboy now is like finding a Rattata in the original Gameboy Pokemon—it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to getting rid of the fuckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of fuckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating is a fuckboy you should def ditch.
1. He asks you to hang out but doesn’t text you to follow up, and when you ask if you’re still on he’s just like, “sure where should I meet you”.
2. He says things like, “we should hang” but never initiates an actual date.
3. He says things like, “let me know when you’re free” rather than proposing an actual time and place.
4. When you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, he avoids answering and says something like, “you don’t have to worry about that”
5. He uses phrases like, “keep me posted” and, “let’s stay in touch” when you invite him to come out instead of just giving you a straight answer.
6. His friends don’t seem to know who you are, which means chances are slim he’s raving about you to them.
7. Or his friends all know who you are but act like they know something you don’t because they do: They know he’s seeing other people.
8. He’ll disappear for days without you hearing from him, and when he finally resurfaces he offers no explanation, like it’s perfectly normal.
9. When you ask him what’s up, he over-explains why he’s been so busy and offers specific details like, “hey! just been super busy with this work presentation and my cousin’s in town and also my dog is sick so I haven’t been sleeping what’s up with you?” which really translates to, “please don’t ask me to hang out.”
10. When other guys flirt with you in front of him he seems totally unfazed, not in a chill, do-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-a-feminist way, but in the honestly-could-not-care-less-about-you way.
11. When you run into other girls when you’re out, he definitely doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and sometimes doesn’t introduce you at all.
12. He’s always texting other people when you’re together, and they’re def not all bros.
13. He shadily will not respond to you during prime date hours of 7-11pm, because he’s obvs on other dates.
14. His friends avoid direct eye contact with you when there’s other girls flirting with him, and more than likely some of them are also hooking up with him.
15. He’s never initiated taking a picture with you, and he’s never posted one of you guys hanging out on his social media.
If you spot, like, more than three of these behaviors, it’s time to reevaluate your life and your choices (not to mention your relationship). For more dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, and stop falling for fuckboys.
As modern women, we are all doomed to hit it with a fuckboy at least once in our lives, if we want to maintain the steady stream of sexual attention TV and movies say we should be receiving at all times. But which type of fuckboy is the best for you? Well what better way to find that out than to base it on the approximate locations of the planets when you were born? Honestly, seems like a much more accurate system than basing it on the two best photos of someone that may or may not be from 15 pounds ago and a bio that their best girl friend wrote that is almost 100% lies.
ARIES: THE EMOTIONAL FUCKBOY
Aries betches are all drama, so they’re going to want a fuckboy who can keep up. What’s the point of having a drunken screaming match in the middle of an Arby’s if the guy you’re yelling at isn’t even going to throw fries at the cashier? Aries enjoy bringing excitement into others’ lives, and what could be more exciting than showing up at someone’s window with gasoline and a lit match demanding to know if he’s sleeping with other people? Your friends will absolutely hate this guy and dedicate entire groupchats to how to get him out of your friend group, but they shouldn’t worry. You will eventually get bored of this fuckboy and impulsively block him on all socials so that you can start the process all over again with one of his closest friends.
TAURUS: THE WEIRDLY OLD FUCKBOY
Taurus betches are down to earth and don’t like inviting instability into their lives. For this reason, they’re going to need a fuckboy who is a little bit more of a fuckman if they want their relationship to work. Sure, his hair may be receding and there’s gray in his beard, but he also has a savings account with over $5 in it and a real apartment that he like, owns. Tauruses are also notoriously bad at breakups, which is why it might be better for you to find someone who is more likely to die before that happens. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this guy wants a real relationship, though. He may be old enough to be your dad, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants to be a dad. You know?
GEMINI: THE FOREIGN FUCKBOY
Gemini betches are unpredictable and need constant excitement to avoid being bored, which is why the best fuckboy for a Gemini is one that fully does not even go here. This fuckboy can slip in and out of your life without doing something annoying like becoming friends with your friends or “wanting to know what you’re up to.” Hooking up with this fuckboy is always exciting because you know your time is limited, and his accent is so thick you’re not 100% sure what he’s saying most of the time. If one of you does make the mistake of catching feelings, all you have to do is say Trump won’t let you leave the country and stop answering his texts. Ghost this bro with impunity knowing there’s almost 0 chance you’ll awkwardly run into each other at your local bar.
CANCER: THE MAN-BOY FUCKBOY
Cancer is the mommy of the zodiac, meaning a Cancer betch is going to want a fuckboy that she can take care of—aka “tell what to do.” The best fuckboy hookup for you will be one where you somehow end up staying all day and cleaning his apartment after. For whatever reason, you want a man who needs help setting up his own email account. Luckily, thanks to Judd Apatow & Co., the man-boy thing is very popular amongst men these days so you should have no problem finding one of your very own. Seriously. Just go to like, any bar with a $5 beer/shot special and you’ll be picking his ass up from soccer practice in no time.
LEO: THE AGGRESSIVELY HONEST FUCKBOY
As a Leo betch, you are proud AF and have no time for people who want to fuck with you. That’s why the fuckboy in your life needs to be the rare kind that are aggressively honest about everything. Like, the type of dude who will stop you mid-bone to tell you he’d prefer to have your pelvis at a 45 degree angle. Coded messages and random 3am sad face emojis are not going to work for you. You’d rather have a guy whose dating profile says “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site” than some d-bag who waits three dates to tell you he’s actually in an “open relationship” by which he means “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site.” Honesty you can work with. Bullshit mind games you cannot.
VIRGO: THE FUCKBOY FROM CLASS
Virgo betches are highly intellectual, meaning that you’re going to want a fuckboy who can stimulate both your body and your mind. That’s why when a scruffy looking semi-hipster from your Politics of Developing Nations class slides into your DMs, you won’t hate it. The two of you can be boning one minute, then discussing your professor’s latest lecture series the next. He might even be down to Netflix binge all the fucked up documentaries you usually save for private time. Just don’t be surprised if he starts asking to copy your notes, and def don’t expect this guy to stick around into next semester, no matter how good your thesis is.
LIBRA: THE RICH FUCKBOY
Libra betches have expensive tastes, meaning that any fuckboy who even dreams of hitting it with a Libra better come correct with the budget to do so. If a guy wants the honor of sporadically answering your texts for a period of several months, then he needs to make sure that when he does finally decide to answer he’s inviting you to dinner at the nicest restaurant in town. Any man who thinks he can bring you back to the shitty rowhouse and mattress on the floor that he shares with his 15 unemployed roommates and still get in your pants is fucking delusional. You’ll be uber-blacking home before he can say “Sorry, we’re out of toilet paper.”
SCORPIO: THE HORNY AF FUCKBOY
Scorpio is the horniest of all signs, meaning that scorpio betches are going to need an equally horny fuckboy if the relationship is going to be even remotely rewarding. If he’s not down to exchange nude snaps at work, he is not the fuckboy for you. You don’t even really need to know this fuckboy’s name, TBH. All you need to know is if he’s up and has a semi-functional dick. The two of you will get exactly what you want out of this relationship, and part ways on good terms, until one of you has to inevitably call the other three years later to let them know they should probably get tested for HPV.
SAGITTARIUS: THE PARTYING FUCKBOY
Sagittarius betches are aggressively fun, so you’re going to need a fuckboy who can keep up the pace. You don’t need some lame-ass dude who is going to show up to the club and immediately start badgering you to go home and smoke weed. You need someone who is going to show up with a stolen bottle of Everclear and a friend who says he knows where you guys can “get a boat.” Just please try to remember to tell your friends where you’re going because you two might seriously end up dead in each other’s company.
CAPRICORN: THE INSTA-FAMOUS FUCKBOY
Capricorns, like Slytherins, are very ambitious betches. That’s why you’re going to need a your man to have a certain amount of social credibility before you agree to be his fuckwoman. Anyone with less than two thousand followers on Twitter and Insta, with an average of 3 LPM (likes per minute) is not going to cut it. If you’re going to be hanging out with some dude all night, you need to make sure that dude’s Snap stories are being seen by DJ Khaled levels of people. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. This way you know that when you unfollow him, he’ll definitely notice and be pissed off for weeks.
AQUARIUS: THE FRIEND/FUCKBOY
Aquarius betches DGAF what anybody thinks of them, which is why you are more than down to break the cardinal rule of not fucking your friends in favor of totally fucking all of your friends. You like to have deep connections and personal history with the people in your life, which is why the friend/fuckboy is perfect for you. The two of you can hop into bed together knowing the full catalogue of shitty things you’ve said about previous lovers, and when you’re done you can just roll over and commence talking shit on The Dud or that kid you were friends with in high school who is like, super Christian now.
PISCES: THE REFORMED FUCKBOY
Dating a fuckboy is tricky for a Pisces betch because pisces, generally, are looking for a real commitment. That’s why you’re going to need to find yourself a fuckboy who has turned his back on his fuckboyish tendencies and is ready for a relationship that also exists outside the hours of midnight and 3am. Does he still wear a flat brim and pounds of body spray that somehow smells both good and bad? Sure. Is he going to freak out when, one week in, you casually bring up that your parents are in town? Nope. He’s all about it. In fact, he has personalized gifts for each member of your family and already knows all their names from memorizing your social media profiles. Just don’t expect him to be good at texting. No man is actually good at texting.
On this week’s Betch Slapped, we talk about Bachelor Ben and Lauren’s breakup and how much we love the upcoming Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay. We discuss a reader response to our Bill O’Reilly discussion and give a male listener advice on how to not be a fuckboy. We also give our thoughts on extravagant weddings.
We’ve officially reached a point where dating apps are a standard way to meet people. Much like CD’s replaced the cassette and the record before that, technology is changing and making things more convenient, which your grandma will argue makes them less worthwhile. Can I live, Nana? In the case of dating apps vs meeting people IRL, you’re still talking about yourself to people and judging their ability to make you happy for life. We’ve just gone from watching their dance moves at the sock hop or whatever to swiping through vacation photos and judging their ability to write a short witty bio and wondering why so many guys pose with dead fish.
But no matter how witty someone is on Tinder, they still don’t matter until you’ve met them in person. I mean, remember Smarterchild? You can talk with a bot on AIM for hours, but that bot will never care how your day went. So obvs the goal of dating apps is to actually meet someone in person to decide if you’re into them or not. How long should you actually talk before meeting up? Here is our definitive guide to when you should and shouldn’t meet up with someone.
You’ve been talking for about week constantly but you haven’t exchanged numbers yet: So if you and a guy are hitting it off, you should make a plan to hang out within the week you matched. That means you probably have had time to figure out the basics like job, location, whether he can reply to texts on time or not, and how likely he is to murder you and wear your skin. Plus by then Facebook will have decided he’s your soulmate and start putting him in Suggested Friends. You know he’s seeing the same thing on his profile. If you don’t make plans to meet and he’s already worked his way into your algorithm, you’ve waited too long.
It’s best to make a plan for that weekend or the next week, because anything later means you’ll probably just cancel on each other. Once you make plans, instead of simmering on the dating app, you should give him your number so you can text each other in the day leading up to meeting IRL. Switching from dating app messaging to texting a few days before the date will make it feel like you’re building to something. You’ll be able to have longer conversations that won’t feel like you’re talking to ten other people at the same time.
You’ve been talking on and off for almost a month, and neither of you have made plans to meet up: I mean, he sees that you’re witty and hot and still hasn’t asked you out? Then he’s probably in a relationship and def just using Tinder to power play his way out of feeling trapped. If he hasn’t asked you out yet but you’re also not that into it, you’re probably both keeping each other as backburners for when you’re both bored. You should unmatch him because your time is precious and why waste perfect conversation on a mediocre match?
He asks you to get drinks as soon as you match: If he asks you to meet up on the first conversation you have, he’s just trying to fuck. Like, this guy doesn’t even know that you have a job or that your hobbies don’t include arson, and he’s already trying to meet up? Only reason he’d risk that is for the pussy. He’s not trying to get to know you. So unless you’re one day post-breakup territory, him pushing to get drinks right away is usually a red flag. If that’s not what you’re into, just unmatch him. Don’t even bother giving an excuse.
He asked you for your number after talking to you for a few days: He probably does want to meet up with you but is intimidated. I mean, why wouldn’t he be? If he’s already asked for your number, he is interested. Ask him if he wants to get drinks—if he made the move to get your number he’ll appreciate you taking the lead on setting a plan.
He says things like “We should get drinks sometime” but doesn’t actually make a plan and sometimes takes weeks to respond: Fuck this guy. He wants to keep you on his radar for a hookup in the very distant—and I mean distant—future. I mean, if you’re into that and need to add a new guy to your rotation, then by all means entertain this fuckery. But you’re not a priority to this dude and in reality you’re more likely to meet John Stamos on a plane and have him tell you you’re pretty than actually get drinks with the Tinder dude. It’s like he’s already gone out on dates and came back around and found you and thought, “oh yeah… her.” You don’t want to be a sweater he found while cleaning out his closet that he decides to try on for fun. Block that bro.
He makes a plan for two weeks from now: He is either going to cancel on you, or you’re going to cancel on him. Neither of you really care that much about each other or you’d try harder to hang out. In the back of your mind you think he could be the love of your life if you just met him, but deep down you know that’s def not true. Like, you probably enjoyed 3 out of 5 of his photos, and he may have said something politically insensitive that makes you think you are not going to enjoy talking to him. Unmatch him and move on, you don’t need new friends.
Sure, you may have started hooking up with a bro you didn’t exactly want to date, but as often happens when two people sleep together after a while, you may have actually developed feelings. Not giving a fuck is betchy, but falling for someone you routinely touch body parts with also doesn’t make you less of a betch. It literally just means nature is doing its job. Congrats, you’ve just discovered, like so many unhappy housewives before you, that sex bonds people emotionally. Not telling him how you feel, however, is not very betchy.
If you’re in a casual hookup situationship, chances are you’ve thought about him being your boyfriend. You may have even said something to your friends like, “He’s basically my boyfriend, but without the title.” Here’s the thing: if you’ve thought about it, he’s thought about it. For every time one of your girlfriends asked you, “So what are you guys?” or “Why don’t you guys just put a label on it?” one of his friends has probably asked him the same thing. Okay, make that once for every five times, because let’s be honest, bros don’t talk about this shit as much we do. But they still talk about it a little. Which means he’s had to define your relationship to his friends. Which also means he can fucking handle talking to you, the girl he is sticking his penis into, about it.
In the same vein, if you have feelings for him and have wondered whether he feels the same about you, he’s also given this some thought. He is a bro living in the same world you are, and he’s (probably) not an idiot. This means that he either 1) is on the same page as you and returns your feelings or 2) doesn’t really give a shit but enjoys the sex. Either way, he’s considered his stance on this issue and just because you keep things ambiguous with each other doesn’t mean there isn’t an answer at the end of the day.
If you’re enjoying what’s going on, but you’d say “FUCK YEAH” if he asked you to be his girlfriend, then you should tell him how you feel. Because this means you want more than a casual hookup. And if we’re really being honest, there is no such thing as “casual” after the three month mark. Waiting for him to bring up the subject is like getting robbed and then instead of calling the police, you hope the thief’s conscience kicks in and he returns your money with an apology. How often does that happen? It’s not impossible, but uh, most people would call 911. His conscience isn’t going to kick in; you need to make the call. You don’t have to wait for him to tell you where you stand; you can tell him where you stand.
As a betch, you don’t wait in line at clubs, so why would you wait to “see what happens” in a relationship? It might feel like you’re giving up your power when you tell someone you like them, but staying in a casual relationship when you want more is the most powerless you can be.
If you tell him you’re into him and want to date, two things could happen. He could either admit that he feels the same way and say “LET’S DO IT”, or he could admit that he’s not feeling it and wants to keep things casual. No matter what, he’s not going to say, “EW GROSS GET AWAY FROM ME I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” He’s already having sex with you, so if you’re okay with casual, you can go back to casual. In no universe is he going to want to stop having sex with you because you have feelings for him, so you either get what you want or resume the status quo.
Obviously, no self-respecting betch would really choose to go back to the way things were, but the point is, you can. Which means you literally have nothing to lose.
Here’s the final reason why you should just pull the trigger on the feelings conversation: A betch has no interest in dating a bro that doesn’t want to date her. Just by telling him you want to date him (or whatever you feel), you’re allowing yourself to get over him if he says no. There’s no faster way to get over someone than to find out they don’t think you’re a goddess. Because there’s plenty of people that do.
There’s nothing worse than when a guy tries to be fun and spontaneous by offering to come over at a moment’s notice. It’s not like he’s intentionally being cruel, he just has no idea that your natural resting state is a messy bun and full sweatsuit, meanwhile it takes 45 minutes just to restore your left under-eye. Ideally you’d have three or four hours to prepare yourself, but asking for more time would destroy your perfectly crafted illusion of spending 18 hours a day to look super chill and naturally pretty. You have no choice but to get ready in 10 minutes, and here’s how you can do it:
Minute 1: Get your ass off the couch and have a heart attack while turning on whatever heating device you use to do your hair. Also, text the group chat to let them know in advance that you’re getting dumped tonight.
Minute 2: Finish your glass of wine, and in the rest of the 58 seconds, remain calm while realizing you don’t have time to shower. Quickly “clean” your room by shoving dirty laundry under your bed and excessively Febreezing the area.
Minutes 3-4: Scream at whoever is in the bathroom to GTFO or you will end their life. At this point you have to decide whether to poorly shave your legs or wash your face. Choose wisely because you can’t do both.
Minute 5: Stare into the abyss that is your closet and wonder how it’s possible that your wardrobe is legit more depressing than a Salvation Army. Find an outfit, put it on and instantly hate it.
Minutes 6-7: Fix your hair using dry shampoo, a curler/straightener and some prayers. Check your phone and respond to his “almost there” text with a couple thumbs up emojis because this is a very casual situation and nobody’s panicking.
Minute 8: Put on some makeup, but only the basics. Don’t even think about contouring and DON’T fuck up your eyeliner or else you’re gonna have to live with it for the rest of the night. This is a true test of how well you can perform under pressure.
Minute 9: Change into a different shirt that you hate. Then do at least two out of the following three things: brush your teeth, put on deodorant and spray perfume.
Minute 10: Relax betch, because
your personality matters most of all you did it! You managed to get ready in under 10 minutes. Even though you could’ve looked hotter with more time, you can continue pretending you enjoy wearing anything other than leggings and that Marc Jacobs is your natural musk. If that doesn’t keep the spark alive, we don’t know what will.
*Note: if you receive a cancellation text at any point after minute two, make sure to immediately ghost this person because you don’t need this kind of drama in your life.
Now that the ice of winter is thawing, our hearts are starting to do the same. Kind of. It’s almost wedding season, which means we’re constantly being bombarded with engagement photos and reminders that we need to spend more money on other people instead of ourselves. Ugh, boring. On the one hand, weddings mean a lot of work, which is suboptimal. You have to put in a lot of exhauting hours of online shopping to make sure that you’re not photographed at this wedding wearing the same thing you wore to last week’s wedding, and you will probably have to pretend that you enjoy the company of your friend’s weird, drunk uncle for at least 15 minutes until you can find an excuse to run away to the bar. It’s taxing.
On the other hand, weddings mean open bars and new profile pics, so things aren’t all that bad. If you’re dating someone, going to a wedding means cute pics of you and your SO in formal attire, and at least one awkward drunken conversation about if/when you’ll tie the knot yourselves. If you’re single, weddings open a whole new world of opportunities for you. Do you want to fly solo and see where the
unlimited free tequila shots wedding vibes take you? Or do you want to invite a potential future bae and test out his partying abilities? Bringing a date is obviously the safer choice that also guarantees you will get laid, but when is it appropriate to take the risk and go stag? Let’s break down the pros and cons of this very important wedding season decision.
Pro: You Might Actually Meet Someone Chill And Hit It Off
It might sound fun to bring one of your guy friends with you and make him spend $$ on a suit just so you don’t cry about dying alone, but if the groom has hot single friends, you’ll already be taken in their eyes. Starting every convo off with “Oh Frank? we’re not dating, he’s just my backup” isn’t exactly chill. Bringing a date you don’t actually care about
may will definitely hurt your chances of meeting a cool bro who you could, potentially, learn to care about. Or at least have a fun one night stand with, which is a lot more fun than explaining to everyone who asks that your “date” isn’t really a “date” and is more of a “gay BFF.” Unless he’s flaming, nobody will believe you anyway.
Con: All The Groomsmen Are Probs Already In Relationships
There’s a good chance most of his friends are already married or close to getting married. Unless your friend is marrying the most responsible one of his group, he’s probably not the first of his bro group to consider committing. Meaning your chances of meeting your soulmate at this wedding are as uncertain as whether or not Beyoncé used a surrogate for Blue Ivy. There is always a chance that you could show up at the wedding alone, spend the wedding dancing alone, and then leave alone, which is probably the most depressing possible way to spend a wedding. Just a thought.
Pro: Nobody Will Tell You That You’ve Had Enough To Drink
Who needs self control at a wedding? Where there’s vodka, there’s a way. Not having a date at a wedding means that you answer to no one, and can do basically whatever the fuck you want without some “more responsible” person side-eying you. Who the fuck needs that?
Con: Eventually Everyone’s Going To Couple Off
You can’t dance to “Twist and Shout” by yourself for the whole party. Even though you’re definitely going to dance to “Twist and Shout”. What a great song. Whether it be the people who already came coupled up or the friends who have been waiting all year for a good excuse like a wedding to finally hook up, you’re probably going to be watching some intense coupling going down from all corners of the reception. Not to mention the whole “celebration of the bride and groom’s eternal love” thing, which can be pretty exhausting for those of us who living that perpetually single life.
Pro: You Don’t Have To Match Your Outfit To Anyone
Basically, you can wear whatever color looks good on you. No need to spend hours trying to teach your guy friend the difference between cerulean and azure, or making sure that he got a real suit and not some Men’s Warehouse bullshit. You can just focus on you, and making yourself look fly AF. Something that you probably know how to do pretty well by now.
Con: The Photobooth Is Not As Fun When You’re By Yourself
Damn. Is there anything sadder than a single person taking “fun” photobooth pictures alone? I’m honestly crying just thinking about it. Having nobody to pose next to is probably one of the biggest downsides of not having a date. Who wants to ask someone to take cute pictures of them standing next to their place settings alone? On the bright side, maybe the ring bearer will take a pic with you. Or maybe the bartender will take pity on you and make your drinks super strong.
Pro: You Can Stay As Late As You Want Or Leave As Early As You Want
If you want to Irish Exit, you can ghost TF out of the wedding. If you want to stay and shut down the night, you don’t have to worry about someone else’s 6am call the next day with Tokyo. Going alone to a wedding means that that wedding is officialy all about you. Oh, and the bride. Her too.
Con: You’ll Probably Find Yourself Wondering “What Did I Do Wrong?”
At some point between seeing your friend walk down the aisle (or if your friend is the groom, watching him stand at the altar) and the priest saying “you may now kiss the bride,” this is bound to cross your mind. Look, weddings are emotional. You’re going to get emotional. As you watch that white train glide down the aisle, you’re going to flashback to your failed relationships and wonder what could have been. Should you have just married Brian from the second grade? He’s a lawyer now. You could be married to a lawyer. Fuck.
Pro: You’ll Remember How Happy You Are That You Didn’t Stay In That Shitty Relationship
You’ve managed to date and dump multiple men without ever making the mistake of legally binding yourself to them and now you can thank the universe you’re single. As you watch your friends commit for life, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t commit to that ex who froze his jeans because he didn’t want to wash them. And even when the two of them are up on the alter being all in love and shit, you’ll comfort yourself in the knowledge that she drunkenly told you the sex was “meh” at the bachelorette. Ah, isn’t it great to be single and not dating a fuckboy? The world is your oyster.
Con: What If You Run Into Your Ex Or A Guy You’ve Previously Hooked Up With
If your friend circle is wide, there’s a decent chance you’ll see someone that’s been inside you at this wedding. And seriously, is there anything worse than stuffing your face at an oyster bar only to turn around and be face to face with your college ex and the Instagram model he’s dating now? At that point you’ll probably wish you brought a date, even if it was just your gay best friend.
Pro: You Don’t Have To Bring Some Hookup Who Your Friends Haven’t Met
Sure, Chad buys you iced coffees and bagels every few weeks or so, but if he’s not your boyfriend, you’re both going to have to answer a lot of dumb questions. Like “when’s it your turn” or “why is Chad flirting with that bridesmaid?” Better not risk having to see him in a suit and developing feelings that aren’t there. Leave your questionable hookups where they belong…at 3am as a last resort.
Con: You’re Going To Spend A Lot Of Money On Your Outfit And Hair
If you’re going to shell out hundreds of dollars at TopShop and Drybar, you will at least want a source of constant attention to make it worth it. Sure, the bride is always the most beautiful woman at the wedding, but the point of having a date is having someone to lean over during the ceremony and tell you that you look better. Every self respecting wedding guest needs someone to give you attention while everyone else is giving the bride attention. It’s honestly the only way anyone could make it through.
Going stag to a wedding has a lot of potential benefits, but you should only do so if you know for sure your other friends are doing it too, and there are hot single groomsmen. Otherwise, you’re just a loser.
So you’re in a casual thing and it’s fine. It’s like, whatever. Like you’re not even looking for a relationship. Right? Maybe you just got out of a longterm relay or maybe you just can’t handle commitment. Honestly, being desperate for a boyfriend is such a nicegirl thing, unless you’re in seventh grade in which case it still makes you cool to hold hands on the quad. But just because you haven’t made it official doesn’t mean you’re not low-key already in a relationship. If you relate to this list, then we hate to break it to you, but you’re kind of in a relationship.
1. You text each other every day and not just to hook up. I mean, let’s start with the basics. If you’ve been talking to each other everyday for over a month, you’re def more than just casual hookups. Like, I can’t even remember to text my mom back sometimes. If some guy is sending you random shit he finds on the internet or just saying “how’s your day?” you’ve def left the shallow end.
2. When your friends see one of out they ask where the other one is. And you’re like, Idk, why don’t you text him? Or if you’re both at a party people ask you, “hey, where’s Jared?” like you’re supposed to know exactly where he is at all times. (He’s outside smoking.) So maybe you get asked about each other because you actually do show up to things together all the time. Whoops.
3. You’re each other’s #1 best friend on Snapchat. I mean, sometimes technology knows us better than we know ourselves. Like have you seen Black Mirror? You might tell yourself you’re not in a relationship, but one day hearts just showed up next to his name in Snapchat and you were like “how did they know!?”
4. You have plans to hang out on the next big holiday. If there’s a three day weekend you make plans to hang out. If it’s New Year’s you’re def hanging out. He asks you what you’re doing before he makes any big plans, because sorry to break it to you… you are the plan.
5. When the DJ calls out the single ladies, you don’t put your hands up. AND that’s after three vodka sodas, and you know alcohol brings out the truth. It’s not like you’re in a relationship, you just don’t want to advertise as being single. Or maybe you’re not single.
6. He remembers stuff about you that you don’t even remember telling him. Like your childhood pet’s name or all of your allergies. The fact that he remembers little details about your life means you’ve spent enough time with each other for you to tell him.
7. You haven’t opened Bumble in weeks. Things are so casual that you casually forgot you were supposed to be dating other people. Whoops. You legit forgot to open up the app and every once in a while you remember so you spend a few minutes swiping, but then get bored and text him instead.
8. You tell each other when you’re going out of town so you can make a plan to hang out before. There’s nothing more satisfying than being out of town when a casual hookup texts you to hang out—it makes you feel wanted in multiple cities like Ludacris. Like, whoops I forgot to tell you I’m off being more interesting than hanging out with you. So if you’re telling each other about your travel plans it means he’s made it to your inner circle. You are well past the courting phase.
9. You get invited on double dates from your other couple friends. Uh, Tracy and Mark have been dating for two years, you are NOT in the same boat. Speaking of boat, a booze cruise does sound fun. Why TF not? Oh, it’s a couples cruise? Hah. Ironic, because you’re not a couple. Or are you?
10. When you think about your future, he’s in it. You’re thinking about getting wasted at your birthday party, and he’s taking you home. And your birthday isn’t for another six months. Or you know, more future stuff, but who really thinks that far ahead? Anyways, the point is he creeps into your daydreams and you don’t hate it.