Last week, Bachelor Nation was shocked to learn that Cassie Randolph filed for a restraining order against Colton Underwood, and since then, things have taken a dark turn. On Monday, September 14, a judge signed off on Cassie’s request for a temporary order which requires Colton to stay at least 100 yards away from Cassie, her home, and her workplace. It also prohibits him from contacting, harassing, threatening, or attacking her.
When Cassie first filed the restraining order, it was reported that she made several allegations against Colton, including that he harassed her over text message, took “obsessive walks” to her apartment complex, and placed a tracker on her car. Now, E! News has obtained the full legal filing, and there are a lot more details about what allegedly went down and the timeline of this whole f*cked up situation.
In her official restraining order filing, Cassie lists the “dates of abuse” as starting in June, and continuing through late August—all after they announced their breakup in May of this year.
One of the first alleged incidents included in the complaint took place on June 27th, when Cassie was staying with her parents in Orange County. According to the filing, Cassie’s brother “saw Mr. Underwood in the alley outside Ms. Randolph’s bedroom window at two in the morning.” The filing states that after being confronted, Colton sent “threatening texts” to Cassie, as well as her best friend Linda and her brother. Since then, the filing states that Colton has again been seen “hanging around Ms. Randolph’s family home in Huntington Beach.”
In the texts from that night, Colton called Cassie “a selfish person who isn’t ready to be loved,” and accused her of disrespecting him after he “spent two years loving you the best I could.” He also called her “so shady” and said “you hid things from me”. A few hours later, he sent another message apologizing.
The filing also alleges that Colton has been hanging around Cassie’s home and on the street near her home, and that Cassie’s neighbors, family, and friends of the family have all seen him. On July 27th, Cassie’s friend Caelan came over to her apartment, and almost immediately, Colton “obsessively called and sent text messages to Ms. Randolph about the visit.” A few days later, Colton “showed up again at Ms. Randolph’s apartment, still upset again about Caelan’s visit”, and told Cassie, “I’m going to keep you accountable.”
Things between Cassie and Colton escalated once again in mid-August, when Cassie and her friends allegedly began receiving harassing text messages from anonymous phone numbers. Colton received similar text messages, but he later admitted to sending the texts, and texting himself so he would also look like a victim of the texting attack.
That same week, Cassie alleges she discovered a tracking device taped to her car, and that’s when she contacted the police and hired a private investigator to look into the situation. Two days later, after being approached about the numerous incidents, Colton “admitted that he was the one who put the tracker on her car and had been the one sending text messages to her, her friends and himself, under the alias phone numbers.” Colton himself has not publicly commented on the allegations and when reached by E!, a rep for Colton declined to comment on the situation based on the fact that this is an ongoing legal matter.
While things have obviously turned toxic between Cassie and Colton at this point, for a while, it seemed like their breakup was going okay. According to an E! News source, Cassie and Colton began filming a new reality show together in June, though it’s reported that Colton pulled out of the show when “things got really tough.” The first alleged incident Cassie reported took place in late June, so it didn’t take long for things to go bad once they were working together.
Then, in July, things between the pair soured publicly for the first time, after an appearance on a Bachelor GOAT episode in which Cassie was asked about her and Colton’s situation. While she didn’t reveal any major information, Colton clearly felt that she breached some agreement they’d had not to talk about the breakup, and he shaded her in an Instagram caption, saying that “obviously a lot changed this week.” In response, Cassie addressed Colton in Instagram story posts, calling Colton out for “trying to make me look like the bad one.” At the time, the root of this tension wasn’t known, but Cassie’s legal filing gives a lot more context to what was happening between them over the summer. The order will last until October 6th, at which point, there will be a hearing to determine the future of the case.
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Images: Tsuni-USA / Shutterstock.com
Welcome back to
hell night two of The Bachelor season finale because, yes, Colton’s season is STILL somehow going on. I should know, I’ve only been praying all day that God would drop an anvil on my head or something and finally put me out of my misery. But alas, I’m still here. Last night we watched Colton audition for Naked and Afraid take to the wild streets of Portugal until Chris Harrison, who earned his paycheck and then some, coddled his ego enough that he could be lured back to the hotel. Snaps for you, Chris! The rest of the episode flipped back and forth between Colton dumping any woman who would actually sleep with him and live content from After The Final Rose. The episode ended with Colton deciding to risk the last remnants of his dignity by getting on his hands and knees and begging to Cassie to take him back. Jesus.
Moving on to this week. Chris Harrison starts things off by posing this question to the audience: can Cassie
be bribed find love with Colton or will he remain a virgin forever? Because I guess that’s what’s really important here, not finding unconditional love and everlasting happiness, but that Colton really needs to get laid!!
Cassie opens the door and she doesn’t look at all surprised to see Colton there. Is it normal for her to have grown-ass men sobbing at her door?
COLTON: I broke up with Tayshia and Hannah for you.
Did she just straight-up laugh in his face when he said that? CASSIE! At least keep it together until he’s not in the room! Also, Colton, it’s not looking good for you, buddy. Cassie’s like “I don’t understand because other girls told me they were farther along with and I literally said I’m not interested??” Yeah, it’s a mystery to us too, Cassie.
She is so turned off by him right now, it’s crazy. She’s, like, still trying to convince him to dump her, but Colton is clinging on to her for dear life. I also just don’t understand why Cassie is freaking out like this? He says they don’t have to get engaged at the end, so the only reason she should be freaking out is if she actually doesn’t like him, which is definitely the case!!
Wait. Why are they kissing now?? I don’t understand. Are they together? Are they breaking up? Is it a pity kiss? WHAT IS HAPPENING.
COLTON: I know you don’t want to be seen with me in public anymore, but I can offer you a free trip to Spain?
FINE?! I can’t believe I’m wasting FOUR HOURS of my life that I will never be able to get back on a girl that has the same feelings about her relationship as I do about saltine crackers.
Cassie Meets The Fam
Yes, you read that right. A girl who might describe her feelings for Colton as lukewarm at best is going to meet his parents. Colton explains what went down during the fantasy suites, and his parents look appropriately horrified, and not just about the amount of times their adult son has mentioned his virginity during family breakfast.
Colton says he’s going to be optimistic about this relationship, but there’s literally no one else, so really what are his options?
Right away Uncle John is like “So are you dating? Just friends? Letting Colton at least get a BJ at the end of all this?” UNCLE JOHN. He’s worse then my friend Ashley who’s always asking me to define the relationship when she knows damn well that I prefer to keep any of my romantic entanglements an emotional arms-length away. God!
Colton’s mom pulls him aside, and I hope she slaps some sense into him. Is it just me or is Colton acting like they’re actually dating? But Cassie has not at all said that those words. He’s acting like once they leave this show, Cassie will be his. Um, after she leaves ABC’s clutches she’s not contractually obligated to be anywhere near you anymore, bro.
CASSIE: Where should I start when it comes to our relationship?
COLTON’S MOM: Well, you can start with your decision to bail.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM:
Y’all, I’m truly living for the disgust Colton’s family is openly displaying for Cassie rn. They’re not even trying to hide it at this point. His mother is practically sneering into her margarita, and his dad is crying because he hates her so much. Their resentment is putting an extra spring in my step.
The Last One-On-One Date
Colton gets one last chance to bribe Cassie not to leave him while the cameras aren’t rolling, and he is pulling out all the stops. Romantic scenery, a once-in-a-lifetime activity which he can twist into a metaphor about their relationship and taking a “leap of faith.” God, I hope it all blows up in his face.
For the date, they’re having a picnic seaside, but first they have to shimmy down a cliff. Cassie, you better be careful what you say to him…one wrong word and Colton might throw himself off that cliff. Honestly, I’m hoping they both fall to their deaths.
Cassie finally admits that she has commitment issues, and not only is she not ready to get married, but she can’t even see herself dating someone, which is why she signed up for a show where the end goal is to be in a committed relationship. Makes sense.
Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening, and Cassie is pretending to be mildly attracted to Colton again. Which producer had to whisper “thousands more Instagram followers” into her ear before this to get her hyped enough for this date?
CASSIE: You’ve taught me a lot. Like I can’t get away no matter how far I run.
That’s the spirit, girlfriend!
Colton asks Cassie if she feels like
giving him pity sex going into the fantasy suite and she says yes!! Against all odds (and so many tears), Colton is actually going to lose his virginity. He kicks production out and all but throws his mic and his underwear out into the hallway. This is so uncomfortable. Like, I’m watching a docuseries on a brothel. I feel dirty.
Cut to the next morning and Colton is all but waving her bra in the air for the cameras, he’s that f*cking smug.
COLTON: We did what was right for our relationship.
Good for you, Colton! you’re a big boy now. I hope those five seconds were everything you dreamed they would be.
After The Final Rose
Chris brings out Colton and Cassie and, because he is a messy bitch, immediately asks them if they banged. He doesn’t even pretend to beat around the bush. Though, now that I think about it, that’s probably about as much foreplay as Colton gave Cassie in Portugal, so by all means Chris Harrison, carry on.
God. F*ck off, Colton. He’s like “I know I profited off my virginity for the past 10 weeks, but now that you want an answer I’m not going to tell you.” Yeah the only reason he’s not “kissing and telling” is because Cassie’s dad probably threatened to castrate him or something.
COLTON: We’ve come really far since our time on the show. Cassie is actually letting me breathe the same air as her now!
I’m sorry, but did Colton just say that “spending a lot of time together” is a big step in their relationship? Was he not mentally and emotionally prepared to MARRY someone at the beginning of this, and now he’s just settling for being allowed to be within 100 feet of his girlfriend? Oh, Colton.
ABC rolls out some footage of their time together post-production and it’s really sweet to watch Cassie finally get on board with this and read what production wrote about Colton word-for-word. Thanks for finally getting with the program, sweetie!
Okay, who tf is Air Supply and why are they on my screen rn? Is ABC punking me? Is this just another one-on-one and the season is still happening?? I’m so confused.
I love that they’re forcing Colton and Cassie to dance in front of this entire viewing audience like the performing circus animals they are. Dance, monkeys, dance!
Also, the band is belting out the lyrics “making love out of nothing at all” as these two pretend to be into each other is the ultimate burn. Bravo, ABC.
Next up, ABC announces the next Bachelorette and it’s… Alabama Hannah!! Wow. This might be the first time Hannah B has beat Caelynn out for anything in her entire damn life, and I am here for it. Honestly, Caelynn will probably have better luck on Ship than with the psychos ABC chooses her, so who really won here?
Unpopular opinion: I love Alabama Hannah, and I’m so happy they chose her to be the next Bachelorette. I know I gave her a lot of sh*t at the beginning of Colton’s season, but she’s really grown on me. And I love, love, LOVE that she’s not in the least bit poised or put-together. She’s going to be a hot mess and I think her bumbling ass is going to make for great TV.
Hannah B as The Bachelorette telling the guys in the house to pack they’re bags because they’re going overseas pic.twitter.com/LFfXpIn7GE
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 13, 2019
CHRIS HARRISON: What’s your ideal man?
HANNAH: I just hope they can string words together.
Funny, that’s where my bar is set too.
Speaking of her men, ABC decides to bring out five men from Hannah’s season RIGHT NOW to woo her. My first impression of Hannah’s guys goes as such:
- I will be slipping in to Luke’s DMs approximately 1 glass of wine from now
- The one who brought champagne is doing the Lord’s work. Hannah’s face is like, “Thank god for the champagne, but I wish it was vodka.”
- Oh, this one is cute! Oh wait. Oh dear god NO. He’s rapping. Why is the white guy rapping? I take it back and burn my TV.
- I’m not convinced Luke #2 is not Nick Viall trying but failing to hide his identity with a heavy amount of plastic surgery.
Hannah says all the men were great and she wishes she could give out a rose and Chris is like “Well how convenient because we have one right here!” Chris, I know you just shamelessly promoted your acting stint on Single Parents, but my god, you need to work on your surprise coincidence face.
HANNAH: You were all so great!
She gives the rose to Mr. Malibu Most Wanted and it’s going to make for a fun season if she’s out here picking the guys that actually show a personality instead of the ones showing off their new jaws they just got perfectly contoured at the filler clinic.
And that’s a wrap for the season, betches! If you need me, I’ll just be here trying to bleach my brain from ever having seen Colton’s shiny, sobbing face. See you hoes in May for The Bachelorette!
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2)
Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! After suffering through 10 long weeks of Colton’s season, the end is practically in sight. And by “practically in sight” I mean we will be held hostage for another FOUR HOURS, during which I’m sure ABC will air approximately 12 minutes of new content. Fun!!
Now, when last we left off, Colton had fled The Bachelor property and taken to the streets of Portugal, where Chris Harrison was trying to lure him out from behind a bush with some leftover bacon. (I paraphrase.) This temporary loss of sanity was caused by Cassie, who had decided earlier in the evening that she couldn’t fake it with Colton for one more second (I deeply resonate with this sentiment). She dumped him mere minutes after he finished getting their fantasy suite ready by lighting every candle from Bath & Body Works “sensual” collection, and strategically hiding an entire box worth of condoms in every nook and cranny of that room. The last we see of Colton is this:
Damn, that never gets old.
Chris starts things off this week by declaring that the last episode featured the “jump heard round the world.” Lol. Okay, Chris. Laying it on a little thick here, aren’t we? We then jump into a montage of the “drama” from this season because I guess ABC is really only going to show seven minutes of new footage for every 45 we sit through of Chris saying things like “lost in the dark Portuguese countryside.”
We are now 8 minutes in and, after only two commercial breaks, we finally get to see some new stuff from this season. Blessings. Omg YOU GUYS they are calling for Colton like he is a goddamn dog. I can’t. They’re like “Colton! Come back! Heel!” Hey! If ruining people’s lives as a producer on a reality TV show doesn’t work out for them, at least they could all go in on a doggie daycare center.
I love that Chris is just hanging back at the fantasy suites while production is out scouring the streets of Portugal. He did his obligatory five minutes of searching, and now he wants to get back to his cucumber massage, and is content to just wait for Colton to call.
Cut to production who are like “should we check that bush again??” SHOULD WE CHECK THAT BUSH. I’m squealing so much in my apartment that my dog just got up to move to a different room. You guys, you can’t write this sh*t!! (But if Mike Fleiss did, then he deserves a goddamn Emmy.)
Production continues to check every large bush they encounter, all the while acting like this is Bird Box, and they’re risking their lives to find him. Just because the camera pans to a stray patch of weeds doesn’t make me believe you’re navigating through the dark underbelly of Portugal, ABC!
Production finally spots a lone, dark figure walking in an abandoned alley, and it’s Colton!! I don’t know why they seem so shocked to find him walking the exact path that leads off the property. It’s wild.
Oh, looks like they’ve dragged Chris Harrison away from his glass of Merlot once again, because suddenly he’s jumping out of a moving van and rushing after Colton. You guys, I’m dying. Chris is running after Colton, and he’s so out of breath from jogging the five steps from the van to Colton’s side that I can barely understand what he’s saying.
CHRIS HARRISON: What part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?
CHRIS ARE YOU SERIOUS. The kid just got emotionally castrated on national f*cking television. What part of tonight wouldn’t make him want to take his chances on the streets of a foreign country?
Also, you know Chris is counting this as overtime. He’s calculating time and a half in his head right now every time Colton’s chin wobbles.
COLTON: Whatever, this makes me stronger.
Also, I love that Colton’s virginity is STILL the priority after that all of this has gone down. We cut back to the present where Chris is like “that was hard to see, but do we think he’ll still lose his virginity?” Well those tears certainly won’t help with that endeavor, Chris! Maybe show another shot of him showering, because airing this sh*t is doing nothing for our libidos.
Back in Portugal, it’s the morning after the fence jump, and Chris shows up at Colton’s door. Chris is like “I’ve never seen anything like that, mostly because the iron-clad contract contestants sign make sure that doesn’t happen…”
Chris is still trying to salvage the season and Colton is not having it. I love that he’s like “You could just try sleeping with Hannah G and see if that makes you feel better?” So subtle, Chris. So. Subtle.
I will say, Chris Harrison is saying everything that I’ve mumbled to my television screen as I’ve watched this entire season. He asks Colton if it’s every crossed his pea-sized mind that maybe Cassie isn’t into him and Colton is like “BUT I LOVE HER.” Yes, well these are literally things I scream at any dog who passes me by, but it doesn’t mean sh*t.
Colton shows up at Tayshia’s hotel, and I think we all know what’s going to happen here. He declared very ominously five minutes prior to this meeting “I know what I have to do,” and I don’t think it’s he’s gonna bang one out with Tayshia to get back at Cassie.
Omg. He looks so unhinged rn. If I were Tayshia I would not walk out of that hotel room with him. I would shut the door right in his shiny face. Colton proceeds to try and dump her, and it’s more painful than watching Cassie find the words for “my daddy told me to dump you.” Like, Colton, don’t claw your own eyes out like that!
Okay, Tayshia is taking this extremely well. Why isn’t she saying anything??
Tayshia asks if they can “talk” without all the cameras and of course those vultures still film every word despite the fact that they’re hiding out in a utility closet together. All of a sudden, we just hear uncontrolled sobbing from the other side of the door and LOL IS THAT COLTON?! Well, if Tayshia was having any second thoughts about the breakup, I’m sure the sound of her ex wailing is certainly helping with that.
OH GOD. Are they seriously going to do her After The Final Rose right now?? In the middle of the goddamn episode?
ABC: I know! Let’s make the finale two nights and intersperse After The Final Rose with it. It’ll be a fun way to finish the season!!
Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia and she looks amazing. I’m really loving the highlights. She looks better than Colton anyways, who decided that to face off with his ex he’d show up looking like a young Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2.
I love how Tayshia keeps trying to make it sound like they had such a deep connection. She’s like “we had a lot of FIRSTS together, we did so many things together for the FIRST time.” Yeah, just because you pushed him out of an airplane before anyone else had the chance doesn’t mean he actually loved you! Honestly, Tayshia definitely dodged a bullet, and she’ll probably have better luck on Ship anyway.
One On One Dumping
Next on the chopping block is Hannah G. Colton heads to her hotel room, where production has just unplugged Hannah G from the wall and taken her off hibernation mode. Oh god, y’all. Hannah G is sitting in her room writing in her diary about how much she loves Colton, and little does she know he’s about to tell her that he doesn’t even want to go on another date, let alone sleep with her!
HANNAH G: I didn’t expect this.
COLTON: I didn’t expect this either because I wasn’t aware that girls could just dump me on my own goddamn season, but here we are.
Okay, WHY is he telling her that she reminds him of home and that he thought it would be her in the end? That’s so messed up. He’s saying anything he can think of so she won’t blame him, and I’m disgusted.
I love that she’s not letting him off the hook and that she’s calling him out rn. YASSSS. DRAG HIS ASS, BITCH. Colton has the AUDACITY to act annoyed that she’s upset by all of this. He’s like “I know this sucks but what about me??”
Back in real time, Hannah G looks like she’s actively trying not to commit a homicide on live television. I will say, she looks amazing. While Tayshia showed up to After The Final Rose dressed in the night one “I’m the new Bachelorette” dress, Hannah G went with the classic revenge dress. Yes, honeyyyy.
Okay, she looks piiiiissed and I’m so here for it. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen in her vacant doll eyes all season,, and I’m THRILLED it’s murderous rage.
CHRIS: Do you have any questions for Colton?
Honestly, she’s not wrong to call him out on his sh*t. He’s giving her the blanket breakup statement that he just gave Tayshia as if she wasn’t backstage listening to him give it.
Lol. I love how Hannah is like “I’m completely over him,” and then demands to know if he ever thinks about “What if?” Sure, Jan.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is trying to throw lighter fluid on the bonfire that is their relationship. He’s like “Did you ever think about having that last one-on-one with Hannah G?” CHRIS. This girl is already seconds away from clawing out Colton’s eyes! Maybe you should try and diffuse the situation just this once?
30 Minutes Of ABC Wasting My Time:
Chris Harrison comes back from the commercial break and declares that this is the “first time in Bachelor history where there are no women left on this show.” Chris, you petty bitch.
The last 30 minutes of the episode is ABC’s fun social experiment to see how far they can push an audience without inciting a full-blown riot. They bring out rejects from past seasons to kill time, and also to show Colton that even if things don’t work out for him on the love front, ABC will bring him back year after year and make him keep reliving it. So sweet of them.
Omg. These people are RUTHLESS with Colton and his new hair. Like, he just had to get publicly dragged by his exes, and now you’re going to come for his haircut too? Low blow, boys. Also, Ben, you’re feeling far too cocky for someone who had to slide into some rando’s DMs in order to get a date…
ABC takes pity on us eight minutes from the end of the episode and decides to show us some new footage. It’s the least ABC could do for us, really. We cut back to Colton’s last days in Portugal. He’s looking very solemn about the fact that we’ve made it to the end of this and he still has a hymen. Sad!
Colton tells the cameras that he’s not leaving here without Cassie, while the camera pans to Cassie packing her bags as if she does not have a care in the f*cking world.
COLTON: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I love Cassie that much.
CASSIE: I can’t wait for my family to see all my cute vacation pics!!
Annnd that’s where the episode ends. Seriously. They aren’t going to show us if Cassie even opens the door for Colton because they’re holding that footage hostage until tomorrow f*cking night. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. Chris Harrison even has the audacity to say we shouldn’t shoot him, he’s just the messenger. Like, I will kill you, Chris. Don’t tempt me with a good time.
And on that note, I’m out, betches! See you tomorrow where we’ll find out if, after all of this, Colton is somehow able to reclaim his dignity. Spoiler alert: he won’t.
Images: ABC (2); Giphy (6); @starstylecom /Instagram
We have made it to week nine, and I can’t believe it’s taken more than two months for us to reach the high point of this season. No, not referring to a proposal, I’m referring to a fence jump that we all could EASILY see if we watched any episode of COPS. The fact that we’ve been waiting this long to see Colton jump over something that’s shorter than his stack of expired Trojans boggles my mind. Let’s see if it lived up to the hype…
Monday’s episode kicks off with Chris Harrison and Colton sitting on the steps of the house from Forrest Gump, where Colton is requesting sleeping bags to be present in the unavoidable and dreaded fantasy suites. After telling him “We can’t do that, but I’ll look into bunk beds,” Chris settles Colton’s nerves and reassures him that it’s just like riding a bike. Yea, but this 20-something-year-old’s bike needs training wheels.
As a last attempt to gain platinum status on United, Colton and the three remaining girls pack their bags and head to Portugal. Realizing that this may be the country where he loses his virginity, Colton takes several selfies in order to compare ‘Before’ and ‘After’ look. Spoiler alert: you look the same after having sex. But who’s going to have a shot at stealing his V-card first? Tayshia, you’re up to bat.
As Tayshia is walking through the streets of Portugual looking for the nearest payphone to arrange a getaway car, she stumbles upon Colton, and realizes that she might as well go on this date. After seeing that Colton has an Enterprise Helicopter key, her mood perks up. For those keeping track at home, this is the third time they’ve been in the air together. Bungee jumping, skydiving, and now a helicopter. (Air Colton > Ground Colton, apparently.) After talking about Portugal’s chief exports (don’t watch if you’re narcoleptic, as this date is sleep-inducing), they land, and then head to a cliff to enjoy a picnic with a view. Except they don’t. That picnic basket is emptier than Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Because making out on a cliff is too cliché, they head to a lighthouse, where kissing is not only welcomed, but encouraged.
Wardrobe change, aka, night date time! Tayshia and Colton chat over dinner about her previous marriage, and how she divorced him because he refused to put the toilet seat down. (Statistics show that this is the cause of 80% of divorces.) Sticking with the week one storyline, Colton continues to talk about what could be about to happen in the next couple of hours, and how he’s open to it. The whole date, he continues to say: “I appreciate you.” Colton, Colton, Colton. This is where you say: “I love you.” You say: “I appreciate you” to someone who bails you out of jail, or to a friend who buys you a drink because you left your credit card at the bar the night before.
Upon opening the fantasy suite card, we see two things. 1. That Chris Harrison writes in Comic Sans and 2. This boy is nervous! Tayshia takes Colton up on the invite to the suite, and Here. We. Go. In the background, they have the soundtrack to Aladdin playing, and you just know it’s about to be “A Whole New World.” Except it wasn’t. By all indications of how Tayshia woke up the next morning, that bed definitely had a pillow wall between the two. There are “after sex” cues that should be visible the next morning, and Tayshia had none of them. She looked upset, hair was fresh from the beauty salon, and she was still wearing her belt from last night. According to my math, adding all those things up equates to no sex in the champagne room. If the deed was done, Tayshia would’ve woken up dehydrated, hair in ponytail, and stumbling around the apartment butt-ass naked looking for pancake mix. Verdict? Virginity still intact.
Realizing that Cassie has been twiddling her thumbs for 48 hours straight, Colton makes his way to pick her up in a Model-T Ford from the 1860s. After spending some time walking around town, dancing with Portuguese mistresses, and trying to fight his way into the friendzone, Cassie and Colton sit to reflect about hometowns. He tells her, “I could really see myself being a part of your family,” and she responds with, “I like string cheese.” To be fair, who doesn’t? But Cassie, come on, wrong place, wrong time. Cassie has not been emotionally available for Colton this entire season, and like his NFL career, it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Colton is really laying it on thick, but he does tell Cassie that her father didn’t give him his blessing. Cassie seems shocked, but I’ve seen better acting from a puppy in a PetsMart commercial. Not buying it.
In typical father fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up unannounced in the first ever Bachelor minivan to let her know “Just so you know, Colton is not invited to the cookout.” He lectures her about how you know when you love someone, and Cassie communicates that, like learning pre-calculus, she’ll get there eventually. The luggage-less father returns to the airport to fly home because he left his hazards on at LAX, and they don’t play around at Arrivals.
After the impromptu visit from her dad, Cassie has made the decision that since she’s paid LA rent for all these months, she’s going to go home and get her money’s worth. The night portion of the date is filmed in a Portuguese open house, and this is where the episode starts to be somewhat interesting. Colton continues to tell her he loves her, and Cassie dodges those bullets like 6th grade dodgeball tournament.
How long are Cassie & Colton contractually obligated to sit on this IKEA living room set??#thebachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 5, 2019
Transcript of Colton & Cassie’s Date:
Colton: “I love you.”
Cassie: “Portugal is amazing.”
Colton: “I hope I’m with you in the end.”
Cassie: “Bacon is my favorite!”
Colton: “I feel differently with you.”
Cassie: “Wool scarves makes me itch.”
Cassie tells him that she doesn’t think she can get there, but she wanted to tell him in person, because this is her favorite dress and she thinks America will love it too. He then throws every Hail Mary in the book, including “I think of you even when I’m with the other girls.” Cassie says “That’s cool and all, but can you drop me off at the airport?” Finding her own ride, Cassie leaves, and Colton heads back to his room…alone. Seeing that room service forgot to make him a towel swan for the day, he screams “I’M DONE!” and starts running. Production, stray dogs, and even Chris Harrison in his Patagonia quarter-zip (in the midst of his cucumber facial) chase Colton as he storms off the property. The only thing preventing him from leaving the property is this white fence, and Colton shows that, unlike the movie, white men CAN jump, and even gets a perfect score from the Russian judge on the landing. He sprints out into the Portuguese night, nowhere to be found. I mean, he has to return right? Not only does he have the only key to Hannah G.’s room, but continental breakfast on the property ends at 11am. Only time will tell…or the spoilers.
The Women Tell All
Before we get to find out if Colton even wants to know what Hannah G. is like in the third fantasy suite, these women get their last chance to solidify Instagram deals say their peace. As an only child, I’m not sure what growing up with siblings is like, but after seeing this, I’m DEFINITELY glad I didn’t grow up with a house full of sisters. With all these girls talking over each other, my Closed Captioning went into overdrive and knocked the power out of an entire Chicago city block.
Not gonna lie, when they introduced the cast, I was 100% sure that most of these people were paid actresses, since I don’t remember them AT all. They start off with Catherine, and she decides it’s too sunny in the studio, so she provides a few fellow cast members with some shade. I just wish someone would’ve commented on her pantsuit that would’ve made Roseanne jealous.
Nicole and Onyeka revisit their “feud,” and this is far from family-related. Onyeka proves that she wasn’t a bully by breaking down the Oxford definition, and Nicole proves that she’s a mime, because she doesn’t say sh*t. I actually feel bad for Nicole, because she’s trying to get a word in, but Onyeka’s mouth runs on diesel, so you know it’s not stopping soon.
The bomb that Katie dropped on her way out (“You have some people remaining not here for marriage”) is addressed and she mentions names this time: Caelynn and Cassie. Caelynn is the only one there to defend herself, and she does say she was there for the right reason, and that was to get sponsored by Crate & Barrel, because she’s too old to sit on IKEA furniture she can’t pronounce. Other girls pile on Katie’s side, and at the same time, are uninviting themselves to Caelynn’s C&B housewarming party in the process.
Demi vs. Courtney might be the best battle of the night. I wouldn’t call this World War 3, but more like, “Battle for the Last Pair of XS Lululemon Yoga Pants.” Demi comes out with several clapbacks, and Courtney sits there silent, not blinking, like she’s at an optometrist appointment. Courtney, can you read these letters on the chart: “U–R-Done.” After being called “bed bugs of the house,” Courtney puts her tail between her legs and retreats.
Hannah B. and Caelynn get their time to say their peace as well. Hannah B. says she’s still looking for someone to love her fiercely, but more importantly, ABC lets her redo her disaster of a toast, which is already better because she used actual words this time. Caelynn got to confront Colton about what really happened, and he pretty much told her he found out she still owed past due fees at Blockbuster, and he didn’t need anyone that irresponsible in his life in 2019.
Next week is the FINAL week, and then we get to return to life as normal. Wait, has someone let Hannah G. out of her room yet?!
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @diggymoreland / Twitter