Casey Affleck Finally Realized We All Want Him To GTFO

Incredible news: Casey Affleck has announced his plan to fuck off during this year’s Academy Awards. It’s tradition for the last ‘Best Actor’ winner to present this year’s ‘Best Actress’ winner, but Affleck has opted out, claiming he doesn’t want to take the focus away from the women and their performances. Before you go and deem him a hero, let’s recap on what a scum-sucking road whore he is and then delve into what his decision is really about, shall we?

You may remember Casey Affleck causing some controversy at the Oscars last year when he showed up looking like Rumpelstiltskin in a suit amid some serious sexual harassment allegations. This was pre-#metoo, back when men who were accused of sexual abuse were rewarded with Oscar nominations and Woody Allen was still a thing. Dark times.

Anyway, Affleck was sued for sexual harassment by two female crew members on the set of I’m Still Here in 2010. The allegations included him ordering male crew members to flash their dicks to the women, referring to women as “cows,” trying to get the women to sleep in the same bed as him at their hotel, and then sneaking into bed with one of them after she rejected his offer. In short, he is a heaping pile of human garbage.

Despite the allegations, Affleck still won the Oscar for his performance in Manchester by the Sea last year. I didn’t see it, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those films where a sad, white boy is sad and there’s a sea that he gazes at while sad, and then everybody claps. Whatever.

So, now Casey Affleck is suddenly a champion for women and believes they deserve to have their moment without him. We’re not complaining that we don’t have to see his pube-face at the Oscars, but we are calling bullshit on his excuse. I think we all know he’s stepping down because he’s afraid of getting bitch-slapped by whichever woman wins the Oscar. Aw, poor baby.

Have a nice life, Casey Affleck. You can go shave your back now.

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Matt Damon’s Sexual Harassment Comments Prove He Should Just Stop Talking

Ugh, Matt Damon is back on his bullshit, and this time he’s saying a bunch of offensive word vomit about sexual misconduct. A Vulture article reported on some of Damon’s quotes from an interview with Peter Travers, and tbh the guy just does not know when to stfu.

When asked about the recent reckoning of powerful men in Hollywood, Damon said, “I do believe that there’s a spectrum of behavior. And we’re going to have to figure — you know, there’s a difference between, you know, patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation, right?” Thanks for that dose of knowledge, Matty D. Here we were, thinking rape and butt grabbing were the same thing. Tysm for clarifying. He then went on to say, “All of that behavior needs to be confronted, but there is a continuum. And on this end of the continuum where you have rape and child molestation or whatever, you know, that’s prison. Right?” Lol to “child molestation or whatever.” So eloquent. Does he have a PhD in this stuff? Also, I love that he keeps saying, “right?” at the end of each sentence. Like, he might be earnestly asking.

What’s offensive about Damon’s reaction is not that his words are technically false — pedophilia and harassment are different — it’s that this is where he chooses to direct the conversation. Sorry, Matt, but this cultural movement isn’t about you and your pussy posse of bros for once.

EVERYONE WHO ISN’T AN ASSHOLE: Women are finally feeling able to speak out against sexual harassment, assault, and misconduct and it’s really important.

MATT DAMON: Yeah, but let’s focus on the men and how they’re being punished.

Jason Bourne also did everyone the honor of going through certain recently condemned sexual predators and sharing what he thought their level of punishment should be. If you can believe, he thinks his BFFs, such as human garbage boy Casey Affleck, deserve to have their sides of the story heard. He also had an incredibly strange and telling rant about how *if* he was accused of sexual misconduct he’d just pay a big settlement to keep it on the dl. Hmm, almost sounds like this is something you’ve thought of every night before bed, in fear that you will soon be exposed?

Hey, Matt Damon, maybe next time you’re asked about a topic about women and sexual assault, you should just sit the fuck down and get back to starring in white washed blockbuster films? How do you like them apples?

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars

Ah, my favorite time of year is finally here: The Oscars aka The Plastics of awards seasons and a day celebs spend starving themselves and holding their makeup artists hostage for 23 hours straight. Coincidentally, it’s also a day I spend 23 hours straight in yoga pants and building a cheese plate for my viewing party. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

This year was the year of Meh: a lot of gold dresses, red lips, and the palest people I’ve seen outside of Brooklyn. No one’s look was as fucked up as the announcement for Best Picture, but there were definitely a few losers I’ll be shaming for their awards looks. But before we get into that let’s talk about the looks that stole my breath and my motivation to get up in the morning:

Best:

Taraji P Henson

Taraji P Henson Oscars

Cookie Lyon slayed at the Oscars this season. The tousled lob, the smoky eyes, the cheekbones you can probably see from those seven new planets NASA just pulled out of their asses—it’s all working.

Emma Roberts

Emma Roberts Oscars

Somewhere on sorority row Chanel Oberlin is internally screaming because Number 5 fucked up her dye job AGAIN. At first I couldn’t decide if the orange hair made her look like a sad clown, but after several glasses of wine taking a deeper look I’ve decided it’s working for her. The red lips, the glam waves, those stunning drop earrings, she looks like a vampy Jessica Rabbit and I’m about it.

Hailee Steinfeld

Hailee Steinfeld Oscars

If only my life was as put together as those eyebrows. *Pours another glass of wine*

Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel Oscars

Ah, the cat eye aka the go-to look for people with resting bitch face who want to blame their side-eye and judgemental gaze on makeup. Tbh I forgot this betch even existed until she showed up to the awards ceremony dressed like a goddamn Oscar herself. Not really sure what’s happening with her hair, but also not really sure I care because her cat eye is making my year rn.

Worst:

Halle Berry

Halle Berry Oscars

Let me just start by saying I was rooting for you Halle, we were all rooting for you. Normally you look like an ageless goddess, but this year I just have so many questions. Like, what are you hiding in that hair? Secrets? Your career? Also which second-row actor do we think drew the short straw and ended up sitting behind this hair?

Casey Affleck

Casey Affleck Oscars

So, like, I know this guy won an Oscar and everything but is he, like, okay? That scraggly-ass beard makes him look like a street person and those eyes say “I have seen the inside of way too many courtrooms.”

Real talk though, my favorite part of the evening was during his red carpet interview when the interviewer straight-up asked him why he looked homeless and he casually blamed it on a “movie” he’s working on. Lol K.

Interviewer: So… how are you?

Casey Affleck: I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF A MOVIE

Interviewer: K…..

Sure Jan

Dakota Johnson

Dakota Johnson Oscars 2017

This is like when I showed up to Thanksgiving dressed like an Orthodox Jew in an attempt to hide the fact that I blacked out and had a one-night stand the night before and almost didn’t wake up in time for dinner. Dakota, it doesn’t matter how boring you make your hair and makeup look, we all still know what your nipples look like.

Read our full Oscars 2017 recap here!