I have two passions: obsessing over high-end fashion and making fun of said high-end fashion. Lately, it seems as though fashion designers are becoming bored and unoriginal, just like Disney when they keep remaking every single one of their classics instead of coming up with a new story line. Look, I understand that fashion trends tend to come and go, with many being completely recycled. However, 2019 seems to be the one year that’s receiving the sh*t end of the stick when it comes to throwback trends. New York Fashion Week is almost two weeks away, but we’re getting some sneak peeks for what’s to come from menswear and couture runways. From tie dye to cow print to cargo pants, here are the hideous throwback trends that are making a comeback this year.
1. Cargo Pants
When I think of cargo pants, I shudder at a time when we, as a society, thought they were ever moderately attractive. In 2019, these can now be modernized to look more feminine and chic with scrunched waists, hems, and sleek patterns, but come on. They’re f*cking cargo pants with tacky, big-ass pockets that can’t possibly be good or cute. Sure, you can fit your wallet, keys, phone, a granola bar, and first born child in them, but at what cost??
I swear I love Bey as much as the next person, but when she can’t even convince me to wear an upcoming trend, it’s not promising. Yes, I loved tie-dying my shirts and socks when I was like, 12 years old and in summer camp, but there’s a reason I don’t still wear the same sh*t I did when I was 12, and it’s because most of that stuff was hideous. This year, expect to see the pattern on our favorite pieces such as puffers, rompers, palazzo pants, and crop tops. What’s next, scrunching our hair with so much mousse and gel that you get stiff curls that wouldn’t even move in 100mph winds? Because that’s the last time wearing tie-dye was relevant.
3. Platform Shoes
Please, god, no. I’ll literally do anything to keep these stashed away in the 2000s where they belong. I don’t think I ever owned a platform sandal when it was acceptable, Lizzie McGuire fan or not. Even back then, I knew to always stay far away from these cringeworthy shoes. Like, just put on a pair of stacked heels like a goddamn adult. Be ready to embrace this year’s next “ugly” shoe. In the very near future, our fave retailers will be selling them as huge sneakers or strappy slip-on sandals.
4. Big 80s Shoulders
This may look decent on Lady Gaga, but on anyone else, it could very well look like trash. The streets aren’t a Michael Jackson music video waiting to happen—save that for Halloween. The ginormous shoulders will be featured on formal dresses, streamlined jackets, and especially business casual suits to wear to the office. Regardless, the shoulder pads may be a yes from my mom in the 80s, but they are a hard no from me.
From Kardashian swimsuits to fashion runways, pops of neon color are showing up everywhere. Whether it be skimpy triangle bikinis, workout leggings, or even mini dresses, I feel like you’d have to be a really bold, confident, and color-coordinated person to remotely pull this off for any occasion. If you’re having the slightest doubt, I’d stay away to refrain from looking like a walking highlighter.
6. Cow Print
It’s true. Animal print is here to stay, but instead of the cheetah and leopard pattern we’ve reluctantly grown to tolerate, the next big thing is looking a lot like a cow. Soon, we’ll be seeing the pattern on heeled booties, designer handbags, and well, now, one-piece bathing suits. I’m baffled that anyone could honestly take this seriously. I can’t even excuse Kylie Jenner. Maybe she was joking. Maybe this is for a western makeup collection. Here’s to giving anyone the benefit of the doubt if they dare to wear the grotesque print.
Photo: Allyson Johnson / Unsplash; Instagram (6)