The Trivia challenge last week left Natalie and Paulie in the power seat. Paulie says he wants to wreak havoc with their vote. I laughed just as hard as I did when I saw who he decided to move in with (Ashley and Sylvia) upon rejoining the game.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about PaNatalie, it’s that they do not discriminate when it comes to alliances. You see, the beauty of coming in after a two-month vacay, is that no one hates you as much as they hate each other. While the audience and #Banony may have been duped into thinking #PaNatalie would be another number for our side, they were wrong… and I was aware.

With #PaNatalie in power, #Banony feels confident that the Lavender Young Bucks will come after me and Cara. Why in the world would you risk going against the “strongest” team in the house so close to a finale? The answer is Shane. Shane knows that if John is picked, John will take the easiest road possible. Obviously, he will, because he’s not dumb like Nelson. I also know that if ANYONE is picked, #CaraMarie lights up as an option for Armageddon. We’re going to be that easy road. With Paulie and Natalie keeping their votes close to their chest, and Banony doing the same, the only way we can pull this off is to work with the other side.

At this point in the game, I’m basically playing everyone. If I were to go against anyone directly, it would give them an excuse they need to pull us into elimination. Perhaps if we didn’t spend 40 minutes last week listening to #TYB chants, we could’ve squeezed in my not-so-sincere apology. But it doesn’t matter anyway. At the end of the day, friends or not, I knew they all wanted to take me to the final… and I was 100% okay with that. Cara agreed to let me take the lead. Our livelihood was in the hands of my former BFF’s, so when you can’t beat them… re-join them.

Back over in Redemption, Kayleigh, Kam, and Brad are speculating as to who will be joining them next. Kayleigh asks if the boys will relocate if Nelson and Shane were to walk in. We are reminded in this moment how much of a hardo these guys still have for #Shanelly. Kam tells us to bring the pity party somewhere else because she doesn’t care… and neither do we. The last time Kyle and Brad came face to face with their opposition (Paulie) they held hands skipping around Redemption and even saved them from going home in the Redemption elimination. Before we head back to the main house for a different kind of pity party, Brad the Dad reminds us of his finance background and Nelson’s poor credit score.

#BaNatalie lovey scene. Corny. Moving on.

At the bar, I decide it’s best to address the LL’s a bit differently than the last time. However, if things were to pop off again, you know for DAMN sure I am going to milk that head butt for all it’s worth. While ordering drinks I casually drop, “Acceptance feels happy.” This is my way of letting them know that I don’t plan to light the house on fire… again.  Ashley assures me that they are voting for Bananas but I still feel her word is as fake as her weave.

At this point, we have nothing to do but “trust” them since we feel we’re going in regardless. Sylvia and Shane threaten me and I don’t care. Typically I’d pop off but at this point, I need to play nice. I didn’t want to help with their plan, but I wanted to make it seem like I did. Natalie is getting close to Hunter and Nelson so much so that Nelly calls her his girl who’s “a little dancer on the dance floor.” I don’t like Nelson if you haven’t gathered, but I do LOVE watching him on TV.

In nominations, I am in dire need of botox, makeup, lighting, AND WATER. I hide under my blanket as the scene drags on. I’m mortified. I went from 25 to 55 all in five minutes. Don’t judge—you’ve been there too, b*tches. I tell Cara the info I gathered and we have a hearty laugh about how stupid of a move we think it is.

It’s admirable to call out a strong team, it’s also admirable to be a millionaire… but what do I know. Knowing that John and Tony were going in, and potentially winning, we actually told the boys before we left about the Lavender plan. In case they do come back, we need them more than ever. The LL’s follow through with their plan as we gather to head over to Armageddon.

In Armageddon, Cara and I look super shocked, and that’s because TJ let us know that two teams received zero votes. Paulie and Natalie, and me and Cara. HOLY SH*T! They’re actuating doing it. Like Ashley says, “Better them than me.” In the elimination, ring sits to pools and it’s freezing out. BETTER THEM THAN ME IS RIGHT!

Tony and John decide to choose Sylvia and Joss, and I immediately disagree with their choice. DO NOT SLEEP ON SYLVIA. Considering it seemed to entail a puzzle it would have been of great benefit to not only Banony, but viewers at home, to chose Ashley and Hunter, or Shane and Nelson. I smirk imagining all the bickering we could’ve been blessed with.

Considering the number of times Shane yells at Joss, you’d think he was in there himself. I’m sad this didn’t happen and decide to remain quiet for the remainder of the elimination. When you’re playing with both sides, you can’t root for one or the other (duh). I NEED Banony to win—without them, we’re just living in Cara and Marie land. Which BTW, If we DO win this million dollars, Cara and Marie land will FOR SURE be a thing. Horses will roam free, PIZZA WILL BE DELIVERED, and #BYOB will be required so I can get high off of your supply. Hehe.

Sylvia is super confident going into this. Part of me wants her to win. At the end of the day, a male-male team in the finale will crush all of us. In fact, we might as well just lay on the floor when TJ blows the whistle because this entire Challenge has been a CROCK OF SH*T. How Cara and I are still alive is beyond me. Fast forward: Sylvia and Joss win. Woo.

As the LL’s celebrate, John and Tony stand by the fire to warm up. And boy, are they warming up. I’ve never been as attracted to Bananas as I am in this moment. I’m a hater, but I’m also not blind, the guy looks good. Tony has some great one-liners regarding the architects and his humor is truly under appreciated. Tony is one of the funniest guys in the house. Bye Banony. We will miss you… and by we I mean Cara and me.

Bananas lands in Redemption and immediately begins boiling water. He tells Kayleigh about Nelson and Natalie and their cuddle season. As someone who was there, it did happen. Did they take it to an inappropriate level? No… but if that was my boyfriend, any proximity to a woman smaller than 10 feet is a reason to fight. I wish Brad would explain the importance of credit scores to her at this moment so she can know that NELSON AIN’T SH*T.

It’s challenge day, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, There’s a purge. If it wasn’t for *someone’s* inability to walk in a straight line (Nelson). How the hell were female teams supposed to win? Paulie and Natalie crush this challenge, and suddenly I understand why Cara is attracted to Paulie. On a serious note though, this guy is an athlete. Him and Natalie in this game—and any game moving forward—should be considered a threat.

In true Nelson fashion, he f*cks up royally and Cara and I MIGHT JUST HAVE A CHANCE. Nelly gets halfway through riding and rolling logs around, hanging on to it like it’s Shane’s dong. Cara and I are up last. And of course, Mother Nature decides to join the fun. By the time we get up there, it’s raining lightning-ing. ALL WE NEED IS ONE FLAG.

Spoiler: we don’t get any flag. But Cara does make it further than Nelson, so we’re safe. At this point, I was receiving hate-tweets trolling me like “UGH YOU HAD ONE JOB!” First and foremost, I’d bet the prize money that you idiots couldn’t do it. Second, I was in utter shock. I thought Cara was going to take a breath before coming across but she just went for it. I was not prepared. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. Why is no one looking at Joss, Nelson, Shane, or Sylvia? Bring your hate somewhere else, I don’t care. I’m happy I’m not going to Redemption, but sad that I will miss Johnny’s face when Shane and Nelson walk in. KARMA.

We leave off with Kayleigh, Nelson, and John in room and Bananas isn’t backing down. This is the mischievous asshole we know and love. I enjoy watching Nelson squirm. Next week,  Redemption beef will come to a head as two of those four extremely strong teams will finally go home for good. It’s time to SHUT DOWN Redemption, FOLKS! LET IT BURN.

Next week we’ll get a double elimination…. and SURPRISE SURPRISE, a purge. F*CK YOU. GOODNIGHT.

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (4)

We begin this episode mourning last week’s elimination results. Ashley, Sylvia, and I pour one out for our homie Amanda, while Tony shares a love note Zach left him with John. With Zach and all of John’s other bros in Redemption, Bananas realizes he’s going to have a tough time moving forward. Considering nobody likes him. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the day for me), he isn’t fully out of luck. Cara reminds us while playing with a green boa alone in the background that nobody likes her either. Losers unite!

I feel slightly embarrassed as I watch Devin and Cory take a house tour. It was much cleaner six weeks ago when the rest of us moved in. As they celebrate their win, we get another ridiculously adorable picture of Cory’s daughter, Ryder. I want to babysit her forever. The audience then learns that Devin was meant to have a place in this house from the start. After flying 24 hours to South Africa, Devin was made aware that his father had passed away. My heart breaks for him now as it broke for him then.

Devin, If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a kiss, late night booty call, girlfriend, future wife, or whatever you want—call me. Jokes (or truth) aside, I’m so happy he decided to come back. He’s the only person that can make John angry solely by breathing. Would’ve loved seeing them forced to work together. Now you know why fruity didn’t have a partner in the beginning.

Outside, The Lavender Ladies and their “groupie” (me) are chatting by the pool. Now that Jozea and Da’Vonne are at Redemption, there are only two teams left for the LL’s to target before self-destructing: Banony and #TeamCaraMarie. While I haven’t always been tight with the Lavender Ladies, I was close with Sylvia, a fellow “Dolphin”. During Vendettas last season, Sylvia, Kam, Kailah, and I formed an equally, if not more obnoxiously named, girlfriend alliance, The Dolphins. Don’t ask. Nonetheless, Sylvia and I had a real, and very recent, relationship going into this house.

I understand why she might want to go against me in this game, as I’m aligned by default with two people that I formerly hated as well. There’s a reason you see Johnny and Tony vote for Ashley and Hunter later in the episode during nominations. The goal of speaking to Sylvia was for her and me to regroup and take advantage of the new numbers (and teams) in the main house.

I can’t say if Sylvia would have agreed with my plan because she never gave me the opportunity to pitch it, but I can say I’m a ridiculously good saleswoman and would have closed the deal on the spot. Ashley thinks I’m delusional and I think Sylvia, along with everybody else, needs new jokes when it comes to my numerous personalities. They’re called moods. Okurrrr?

At the Redemption house, Paulie is sad to see his Big Brother friends walk in while Zach seems happy, for the first time ever, as he runs inside the house with open arms. Zach lets everyone know why he’s blessed them with his presence and how much of a better person he is than Amanda for doing the exact same thing—being stubborn. You’re both great humans and I appreciate the decisions you made in last week’s elimination. Love you both.

It’s Challenge day and we’re playing “what goes up must come down”. TJ explains that a two hundred foot building and weird floor puzzle are the only things standing between us and a win today. He lied. That’s not the only obstacle for #TeamCaraMarie; we’re also rewarded with the disadvantage we took home last challenge after losing. For us, the door to that 200 ft building will be locked until we find the key to open it. Good.

Devin and Cory are up first and Devin is excited. This challenge seems like it’s right in his wheelhouse: “little cardio, big puzzle.” He gets me. TJ blows the horn and they’re off. Down below Hunter chants “TYB” for the 29299483209th time since Cory entered the house last night. I think Nelson might actually have a hard-on. They cruise past the puzzle portion with great communication and make their way down. I begrudgingly laugh out loud as John says that Devin looks like a geriatric patient as he slowly makes his way. Anxiously, I wait for TJ to tell them that they “set the bar low” like he’s told Cara and me every single Challenge so I can let out a “haha” and point like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don’t get my chance.

Ashley and Hunter are up and we see exactly why their love never blossomed. I feel like I’m watching my grandmother scream at my grandfather because he hears nothing. It is at this exact moment, while Ashley is screaming out orders to Hunter, that I realize who she reminds me of! Ruth Langmore, the badass hillbilly from the Netflix series Ozark. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and have access to Netflix, close this recap immediately and go watch it right now. Ashley struggles to get down the building and Cara yells that there’s a Gucci bag at the bottom for some game time inspiration. Where’s that kind of motivation when I’m doing something Cara? GUCCI GETS ME GOING!

Cara and I are up next, and I’m pissed off. Cara takes longer than expected to unlock the door and I’ve managed to memorize nothing while she was doing so. We make it to the top, without stopping might I add, and we get a stomach-turning POV shot from Cara as she looks down at the puzzle. I hate heights. Cara begins reading off colors but I, in all my glory considering I am still alive after that stair run, do not realize there are TWO buckets of puzzle pieces by the board, not one.

We actually communicated extremely well once someone from production tapped my shoulder and made me aware of the issue (another box of puzzle pieces) at hand. We strap in and head down the wall and I am literally in shock at my own performance. I’m in even MORE shock when I turn to tell Cara “Look what I can do!” and realized she’s way behind me. While we probably won’t win today, I felt as if I did. No offense taken, Tony.

Up next is Shanelly and I’M SCREAMING at their team interview. Nelson has my brain on overdrive. He’s giving me way too much material to roast with him with. It’s time to go night-night!

My takeaway: At first Nelson wanted to strangle Shane but now he wants to straddle him. They speed up the steps and are clearly the team to beat at this point. With Shane’s help, Nelson completes his first puzzle in his life and probably last ever too. I have to say, while I currently don’t like Nelson because he tried to get mad at me over Kayleigh drama, I do love watching him. The guy is literally THE GOOFIEST. The sexual puns he’s unknowingly feeding the audience right now are the highlight of the episode for me thus far.

Sylvia and Joss go, and I actually forgot about this dynamic duo. They race up the stairs, yada yada yada, John sends another lame joke Amanda’s way and they finish. Sylvia makes a good joke about not working out when she gets to the top, but clearly, I’m feeling a type of way tonight as I write this. It’s hard not to go back to a feeling when you’re watching it back. I love you, Sylvia. I’ll try harder.

Banony is the last pair to go. They are well aware that if they can’t beat Shane’s time, Nelson is gonna put the power vote on dat ass. As everyone screams different colors from the ground below in hopes to mess up John, I chose to remain silent and pray. I know that if Banony wins, Cara and I are definitely going into elimination. Spoiler Alert: Banony wins. Crazy how John could go from world’s biggest bully in Challenge history to the victim in only 14 episodes. I bet you’re rooting for them, aren’t you? He’s really embracing the victim role well. I guess that’s what happens when you get on basic television.

ANYWAY, as a self-described realist, I’ll be the first to say that the performance of #TeamCaraMarie thus far in Challenges deserves an elimination appearance. However, I’ll also be a complete hypocrite and say how the f*ck is this season fair? Whoever created this “Final Reckoning” theme definitely had their sights set on two new male champions to add to their short list of alumni under 60 who’d accept a Champs Vs. Stars call. I’m pissed.

During what should be a friendly game of cards in my and Shane’s room, I think it’s a good time to try to talk game. Again. Persistence breaks down resistance! I won’t go down without a fight. BET. LOL. Sylvia doesn’t want to chat because she’s having fun knowing she’s not going in, and I find out that my bestie Shane plans on saying my name as well. If ANYONE has had a real alliance here, it was me and Shane. We shared that cozy little room you see us sitting in, we burned votes on each other numerous times, and even Cara knew well enough to tell John last week that I’d never say his name. Even if every team still planned to say my name, why couldn’t you just vote rogue? It’s not like anyone expects that we’d chose to go against you. That’s crazy talk.

Cara feels bad for me but she shouldn’t. I’m never a victim because I don’t allow myself to be. I’ve known where I stood with this group all along. I’m just in a dark, angry place right now as production forces me to get dressed for a night out. The bar is completely empty because we’re not allowed to speak to strangers and it’s just adding insult to injury as I have to listen to “TYB” chants after every fruity shot of Triple Sec they take. Like, Can you even? Triple. Sec.

Ashley decides to join me in the corner and asks why I’m upset. I don’t know, maybe every single team in the house is voting me in tomorrow. It’s pretty reasonable that I don’t want to be around them. I know eliminations are part of the challenge. I also know that I don’t f*ck with anyone right now, so let me live. Ashley lets me know she’s won one of these before, just like she lets anyone know within five minutes of meeting them. She says I need to accept elimination and that I shouldn’t light fires. Alexa, play every time Ash has started a fire on a Challenge. The New Yorker in me is starting to show.

Oh god. Now I’m crying? I’m an emotional drunk. Kidding. I’m always emotional. Big f*ck you to Shane who says a million dollars can buy him friends who are less crazy than me. Drinks are on YOU motherf*cker at the reunion this week. I hate that it seems like I’m desperate, but all I ever wanted was a conversation because I’m desperate. I wasn’t frustrated so much about going in as I expected my time was running short, I was frustrated that Sylvia (my friend who I talked to every day prior to the show, and even went on weekend getaways with) wouldn’t give me the time of day.

As I pull Sylvia aside again for the second time that night, I laugh as I watch myself transform into Marnie, my alter ego. Part of me feels as if I secretly enjoy being denied. Would totally make sense considering my lifelong list of unavailable crushes and men who will never be interested in me. On a positive note, my hair looks great here.

Back at the house, Cara’s making pizza, and that’s never a good sign for me. Sylvia tells me that I’m the only person freaking out while simultaneously freaking out herself. We do the chest bump thing that everyone does in this house and I hope that she hits me. I’ll take a bruise over an elimination ANY DAY. If it gets physical someone goes home, right Kailah? Seeing this footage makes me understand why it didn’t happen. I was clearly an antagonist in this situation and the headbutt, while a great throwback WWE move, really was weak AF.

“Did you just headbutt my partner?” “Noooo never.” I AM DEAD. I wish I would’ve fallen to the floor screaming like I used to back when I played soccer many, many, many, years ago. I am cracking up at how unbothered I am as I storm around like Dora The Explorer in my backpack. *shrugs* “Fine. f*ck you” *middle finger high* exits. The next day they made us film TJ warning us about physical altercations, so the “that’s my warning” line was in response to his. Is it weird that I’m my own biggest fan?

TJ shows up for the secret vote, but it’s no secret, Cara and I are 100% going in. Nelson knows that it’s down to the “needy greedy” and everyone votes for us as predicted. OUR TURN! Sorry about the turtle comment, Sylvia. No idea. Cara calls me her friend and what follows is my favorite moment from Final Reckoning… and that says A LOT. Now that NOBODY LIKES ME too, Cara can finally like me. Sylvia head butting me was just what the doctor ordered. Is it just me or does Cara seem fired up for the first time this season? Gotta be top five cutest challenge moments ever. Don’t @ me.

Cara and I have nothing to lose going into this elimination. We’re both fired up over recent events and even more fired up over our recent friendship. The board lights up and Cara is excited we finally won something. Let’s keep this momentum going! TJ tells me I’m a far cry from cigarettes and sadness and I blink twice with no expression and say “Thank you, TJ?” It’s time to see who our options are when a song I’ve never heard before (but will totally jam to) turns on and so does the board.

Everyone is worried about getting picked. And everyone has good reason to be. Cory and Devin just got here, Hunter’s been a b*tch aggressively coming for Cara (Not John) all season as he pretends, Sylvia, because the head thing, and Shane because he’s right when he says I’M PETTY.

Without discussing our options we look at each other and call down Shane and Nelson. Nelson’s final interview of the episode erases all the good he did earlier and I dislike him again. Here’s hoping we get those equalizers. GIRL POWER!

What’d you think of tonight’s episode? Best one yet?

#TeamCaraMARIE

Images: Giphy (3); MTV (5)

Have you all been watching The Challenge: Final Reckoning this season? The show is always insane, but this season the contestants are competing for a million dollars, which has caused everyone to lose the precious few brain cells they hadn’t already killed with alcohol and multiple concussions. It’s truly a delight to watch. We’re only three episodes in and two people have already been kicked off for fighting, there was one sensual application of sunscreen, and a rookie has made it clear he wants to smother the vets in their sleep he’s here to make moves.

Not only are the contestants literally coming for each other on the show, but they are also figuratively going for the jugular over Twitter. The lack of shame is simultaneously unbelievable, repulsive, and impressive. It’s like they don’t even care that they’re embarrassing their mothers. Now, I don’t use Twitter because it reveals human nature to be deeply disturbing. But, for all of you, I braved this internet cesspool to round up some of this week’s Challenge feuds. Pray for me.

Everybody Hates Natalie

I had to give Natalie her own category, because it seems like she’s pissing off everyone with a limited vocabulary and access to a keyboard.

Natalie and Shane are in a bit of a tiff because he called her out for being fake. WAIT. People on reality TV are fake?! You mean those aren’t Kylie’s real lips?! I am shook. To quote Shane on Natalie, “You are a user, user, user—sad pathetic, unable to handle criticism loser.” See what I mean about limited vocabulary? Also, it seems like he’s stealing his Twitter insults from someone who runs the free world and also needs his phone taken away from him, amirite? Ill-advised.

GUESS WHAT CAST MEMBER THIS IS ABOUT ???????????????????????????????? https://t.co/Gu44fVnnCQ

— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018

In retaliation, Natalie tweeted that she wasn’t being fake, she was just being nice. Shane came for that too.

Nat! You’re not nice to people you want to slap, you’re rude and ignore them-u act like they’re bullies and u use sympathy and whining to validate yourself. No one thinks your kindness is fake. Your nonstop whining and crying about being “shamed” and “harrassed” is. ???????? Over it pic.twitter.com/tKthdJEM3a

— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018

And finally, Natalie had enough of everyone’s favorite hair-plug truther and blocked Shane like I do to Bank of America everytime they call to remind me to pay my bill.

OMG SOMEONE CALL THE WAHMBULANCE – ???????????? waaahhhhh waaahhhhhhh waHhhhh I promise you if I kissed her ass non-stop or she could USE me (ie had more followers than her) she would have taken it all with an oh you. You don’t deserve my friendship snowFAKE pic.twitter.com/HeBRarcki5

— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018

Then Cara jumped into the fray because Natalie drove to her house, put a gun to her head, and forced her to defend her honor.

The problem is – is that I did like her. And actually have given her many more chances then she’s ever given me to be a real fucking human being deserving of my friendship. News flash – she’s undeserving. Now It’s about exposing the non-stop lies/fakery https://t.co/Fd5E63Y0F6

— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018

Nah, just kidding, I think she just can’t resist not being talked about. So, in summation, Shane’s major problem is that Natalie is fake, and my major problem is that I have yet to attain the level of pettiness that Shane maintains. God bless.

Zach also took a shot at Natalie this week, after she lost her second elimination of the season. FYI THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO ELIMINATIONS THIS SEASON. And yet, Paulie and Natalie remain on the show like the cockroaches that will rule the world when we are all blown up in a nuclear war.

Zach here is how you spell challenge… Give me a C give me an H give me an A give me an L give me an L give me an E give me an N give me a G give me an E… what does that spell?!!! …. Challenge. I’m proud of you ✅

— Natalia Negrotti (@NataliaNegrotti) August 1, 2018

Our bud Zach over here is playing with fire, throwing out insults without running the spell check first. He deserves this clapback from Natalie. Never go against a former cheerleader when spelling simple words is on the line.

Kyle vs. Britni

Britni and Chuck didn’t even make it into the Challenge house this season because she let him die a slow death suffocating in a coffin buried in the beautiful South African earth. Actually, they just sucked at the challenge—that’s just an idea for you there, Britni. But, it seems in the 30 seconds they spent on the show together,  Kyle decided that Chuck was a pretty cool dude and he couldn’t wait to see him on the next challenge. Hey, I can certainly decide I hate someone in 30 seconds, so who am I to judge?

Kyle don’t make me put you on my list of people to send booking next season. You know I’m only getting stronger ????????

— Britni Nicol MTV (@BritniNicol) August 1, 2018

Naturally, this pissed Britni off, because one season of twerking on her ex is more than enough for her. It seems Kyle has made a new enemy, so he better watch out, or next season Britni is coming for him. Well, once she figures out how to put on pants. But then he’s really screwed!!

Paulie vs. Chuck’s Girlfriend

I saved the best for last. As we saw in this week’s episode, Paulie told Brad that Chuck and Britni hooked up, just like he told them he would. This reminds me of when I was in college and my best friend would announce that we were ordering pizza that night before we had even started drinking. Just too damn excited about the secret plan to keep your mouth shut for a second. Be cool!

Brad wasn’t the only one pissed about this revelation. It didn’t seem to sit well with Chuck’s girlfriend at home either.

Is it really tho?? I’m @MTV_Chuckalodon girlfriend. Clearly you give no fucks but just so you know deep inside, you single handedly caused me to have one of the worst weeks of my entire life while he was gone filming & your cute little lie spread to my inbox. ???????? @ChallengeMTV

— Miss_TaylorDawn (@miss_taylordawn) August 1, 2018

Oh, honey! I’m so sorry you had a hard week. I hope you made it through! If I had known I would have brought you a bottle of wine and a refreshing slap to the face. Luckily for you, Taylor, your boyfriend didn’t make it past the first challenge. So now he’s back and you can rest easy knowing that he’s definitely not cheating on you at all at home. For sure. He’s like SO faithful. Definitely doesn’t have multiple side pieces. A true gem! Enjoy your week!

And that’s what’s been going on on Twitter this week. I’m going to go wash my brain out with drain cleaner now. And you all should be sure to catch Marie’s savage recaps before next episode!

Images: shannanity (4), natalianegrotti, britninicole, miss_taylordawn/Twitter

Guys. I know I piss most of you off (hi, enemies in the comment section! I see you and I cry about you!) on a regular basis, but I never expected to be the subject of a Twitter rampage. When we posted my interview with Cara Maria ahead of The Challenge: Final Reckoning premiere two weeks ago, her partner Marie had A LOT to say about it.

You’re dead to me @betchesluvthis A thread. https://t.co/xgWrbHwXfa

— Marie_TBD (@Marie_TBD) July 13, 2018

So I summoned up all my courage, prayed that there was no way to be murdered through the phone, and called up Marie for her side of the story. And you know what I learned? This girl is brutally honest, not afraid to laugh at herself, and definitely someone I would want to steal an entire box of pizza with. Or two boxes of pizza, whatever, I’m hungry! Check out her version of events here, and be sure to tune in to The Challenge: Final Reckoning tonight 9/8c on MTV.

Why don’t we just dive right in—you obviously weren’t too happy with what Cara said about you in our interview. So I just wanted to hear your side of the story. I know you mentioned a little of it in on Twitter.
Oh god, you guys actually saw that? Okay. I’m so extra. So basically I was reading through and I was like, “This mofo.” So here’s the thing about Cara. She’s somebody that, listen, don’t take this the wrong way, she has definitely grown up and glown up through her Challenge years. But when she started, she was no champion right off the bat. She had all these different issues to deal with and she was kind of the underdog. And I think that a lot of the cast, including myself obviously, get really upset when she tries to say that we’re using her to get attention or storylines and all of that bullsh*t.

So when I was reading it and I saw that you guys mentioned “oh she’s such a betch” and I was like, “this betch isn’t a betch.” You know? Betches are, we’re like brutally honest, self-aware. Yeah I smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink a lot of alcohol, I don’t go to the gym, you know? But with Cara, she’s not self-aware. She doesn’t realize that her reactions to other people are taken the wrong way. When I tweet or when I troll anybody in life, I’m doing it honestly. It’s not like I’m thinking “this is gonna get me on a season with Cara as my partner.” That’s never my thought. So I was just so bothered by that. And I was just like, “that’s so annoying and so typical Cara.”

She did mention that you were campaigning to get her as your partner on Twitter. What did she mean? Was that true?
I assume that she means campaigning by like, tweeting at her. It’s not like I made signs or anything. Listen. All this craziness started over something really, really stupid. But I’m petty, like most people, and it’s annoying. Here’s how it all started. We went on a season together, had no issues, thought we were totally fine. I get back from the season, everything’s going fine, and the fans are really the ones that antagonize a lot of these situations. They’ll be like “oh she said this,” or “she said that,” and you’re not really looking for it but then when it’s in your inbox, like alright, what now bitch?

So a fan had tweeted out “Why is Marie even invited to these things she should never come back” and she liked it. It was just so passive-aggressive and so typical Cara that I was like, “are you kidding me I didn’t even know we had problems.” And from there it just really escalated. But then she goes on to say all this other stuff, like on Vendettas her name kept coming out of my mouth. But, Cara, you’ve been doing these for how many seasons now? You should know that when we’re sitting down and being interviewed they’re building stories. So if they’re asking me about Cara, I’m answering about Cara. Like, by all means, I would love to talk about something else! But it’s what I’m being asked!

Right. They’re going to stir you up.
Obviously. And my last two seasons I’ve looked like the biggest loser. Like, the biggest loser.

I was a big fan of the pizza incident last season, so I can’t hate on that.
I didn’t even steal the pizza box! That’s the issue. I literally put it aside for my roommates like a normal girl would, because the guys were all scarfing it down. And I come back and Brad goes crazy Brad—I think he ate too much protein that day, I don’t know—but he’s freaking out. And I’m like okay and I actually ended up bringing the whole pizza box back to the kitchen because it’s so weird that he’s freaking out about this and the whole thing escalated. And then I’m someone that likes to poke at people until they kind of break. So if you’re flipping out over a pizza box, that’s kind of hilarious, are you kidding? So that’s when I decided to bring the pizza down and throw it on him. But it was all with good intention (laughs).

I don’t blame you. I didn’t mean to get you off track, though.
Yeah, and then I get trapped in the basket the next episode but there’s a whole other story behind that that they didn’t show. Because, listen. At the end of the day, I really did not like Cara. And I know that when she gets to a final she’s probably gonna win that final. So if it’s a competition of me and Kailah going home, Kailah who is a very strong player, and me, I have my days sometimes. Ya know, I’m not gonna be able to beat Cara in a final. And when I’m very very close with someone like I was Kailah, it was kind of like, “look if I’m gonna send you home today I’m just going to be next anyway. And I’d rather give you this opportunity to really lock this down and shut her up for once.” Unfortunately it didn’t work, but that’s where we are.

Cara did say some nice things about you in our interview. She said you’re the team to watch and that things change a little bit over the season. Do you agree with that?
100%. But it’s gonna take a while. A lot of the teams there, it’s kind of like those fake rivalries. Like, “oh he threw me in.” That’s not a rivalry. Me and Cara genuinely didn’t like each other. And it takes a lot of different situations to occur for us to actually start talking, but I mean eventually we sort of get there. If we stay there, I don’t really know…

Were you worried throughout the game about Cara’s preoccupation with Kyle?
Yeah, 100%. And I told her with the Paulie situation that was not gonna be a good look for her in the house and outside of the house. But with the Kyle situation—I mean, right away she tells Brad she wants Kyle out of the house. That’s Brad’s partner, probably not the best game play. Kyle’s getting annoyed now. And then there’s the Faith situation happening. So on top of everyone else not liking Cara in the house, now all of the people that might have been able to like Cara don’t like Cara. So of all seasons for me to be paired with this monster competitor, like are you kidding me? I’m like, “everybody hates you!” This whole season is me trying to keep Cara cool. And also myself cool. Because, like, the second I get a little bit saucy I’m known to kinda ruin everything, for lack of a better word. So it was  a mixture of keeping her cool and me also cool. Which was extremely hard.

Angela was screaming at people in last week’s episode and they still seem to like her.
This is what I’m saying! Like HOW does she throw a temper tantrum—like when I throw a temper tantrum, I get put in a corner. Like, time out Marie. When she throws a temper tantrum, she has Johnny come downstairs and save her. I don’t get it.

Is there any other gossip from this season you can spill to us? Is there anything that happens that we might not see on the show?
Oof. Well maybe we can do this again at the end, because I’m not sure how much I can give. But I will say lots of fans and stuff have been tweeting that they’re upset that there hasn’t been an elimination episode, and they have to understand that once we learn the format and all that other stuff, there’s so much relationships involved. Relationships are huge in this challenge. With the format, with the voting. The first two episodes, I honestly thought they were hilarious. It’s just building up. Because the stuff that happens this season you can’t even write. I swear I really do believe it will be the best season ever. It will just take a second to warm up, because everyone has to understand these situations that are happening, but it’s gonna blow up.

So you think once the season’s over there’s going to be more stuff that happened they’re not gonna show?
Oh, 100%. There’s so much stuff that happened day one that they didn’t even show. Like, unless they want to make this season go on for the next year and a half you’re definitely not going to see everything.

Is there anything else you want us to know? Now’s your chance to talk off Twitter!
Okay, let’s see. First and foremost, I’m not as bad as everyone thinks. If they actually watch the show, I do fare well in competitions. I just have a big mouth. You know how you always have that leader that like pushes people to do stuff? I’m that person and I’ve been that person behind the scenes and they haven’t shown it. And I think this time with Cara as my partner everyone will be able to see a little bit more how I’m, for lack of a better word, a puppeteer for the drama.

Yeah I mean, I don’t suck. Listen. I can’t run for seven miles straight, I’m not there yet. But I’m a cute girl. And look people say the camera adds 10 pounds. I’m gonna say I hope it adds 35 because if I look like that in person I’m gonna be so upset.

But your Instagram does look good.
Well, there’s FaceTune (laughs). But yeah I mean there’s so many people that meet me that are like, “you’re actually pretty in person.” I’m like, “wonderful.” When people give you those actually comments I’m like, interesting.

And that’s all folks! You can catch more of the drama on tonight’s episode of The Challenge: Final/Reckoning on Tuesdays at 9pm/8c only on MTV.

Images: @Marie_TBD/Twitter; Giphy; Courtesy of MTV (2)

Tune in to The Challenge: Final Reckoning Tuesdays at 9pm on MTV!

The Challenge: Final Reckoning premiered last night on MTV, and needless to say some serious shit went down. And I mean shit literally went down, like beneath the earth, because contestants were buried alive only to be rescued by their mortal enemy, aka their new partner. Personally I would have just quit the game and left my nemesis to die slowly from their own paranoia and lack of oxygen, but that’s why they don’t put me on reality TV. In honor of this new season, we spoke to last season’s champion and the human embodiment of a CrosFit gym, Cara Maria. In our interview she spills the tea on that controversial Paulie hookup, puts some others on blast for their own hookups, tells us what really happened with Kyle, and reveals if she murdered her partner Marie. Fingers crossed for the last one! Here’s what the baddest bitch in the game had to say.

First of all, congratulations on winning Vendettas.
Thank you! That is like the coolest thing ever, like before I used to walk down the streets and people would be like “yo, Cara, what’s up!” and now people call out “yo, Cara, congratulations!” and I’m like “COOL!”

We all watched the season premiere last night, and you have to tell us how you felt when you dug Marie up from that grave and learned she was your partner?
Uhhhh like all hope was lost. I’m so competitive that when I was digging up the grave I was like “I’ve got this, I’ve got this, you’re up! OH GOD.” Only because I don’t care who I’m partners with. I could be partnered with the worst challenger in history, I don’t care about abilities. I care about heart. And I don’t feel like Marie ever showed that she had any. First of all, she only seems to care about what other people think about her. And second of all, she quits—she said it herself. She quit in the basket elimination with Kailah, she said Kailah had a better chance later on so she just didn’t even try. She quit in the eating challenge. She throws all of her friends under the bus and has allegiances to no one. No matter who is in her life, she’ll throw anybody under the bus at any point. She’ll betray anybody. So I just didn’t like her. She was not my type of human. And the fact that she basically campaigned on Twitter to make me be her partner, like she made this happen. And I felt used and I just didn’t like her and how she goes about things. It wasn’t so much worry about the competition, I just didn’t like her.

And so do your feelings throughout the season change?
Oh, we are THE team to watch. The reason I say that is because the hate is real, and then at some point you never know what’s going to bring you together with someone, you know?

Let’s get into the boy drama. In the premiere it seems like Kyle ghosted you between seasons, is that what happened?
No! I know that’s how they showed it, which is frustrating. Kyle, first of all, is single. He can live his life he can do what he wants, I’m gonna live my life, do what I want. The problem is, he doesn’t want me to do what I want to do, he only wants to do what he wants to do. If I flirt with anyone, if I do anything, he’s incredibly jealous. He’s a dick.

We saw each other in between seasons, he visited me, visited my family. And then he goes to Thailand and I can’t even explain what happened, but I thought at the end of the day at least we were friends or bros. Like I hang out with all the boys, with Zach with Tony with Johnny, like I’m just one of their little brothers, you know?

Then when we get to the house, Kyle lies about literally everything. Every time he opens his mouth, he is lying. In the house, they didn’t show it, he is in one breath in my ear flirting with me and being cute with me and in the next he’s shitting on me behind my back. So literally if you look up the word fuckboy in the dictionary he’s being a stereotypical fuckboy and trying to play me, and at the same time being a dick! I can’t follow him from one moment to the next, from one lie to the next. He’s lying saying he has a girlfriend, then he comes in and  hooks up with Faith. But you just said you had a girlfriend. What are you doing? It made no sense and he was fucking with my head and lying. You’re not even treating me like a friend at that point. If he could have just been a man and come in and said “look I want to sleep with other people. Let’s be friends. I’ll still look out for you, I’ll still work with you, but I want to sleep with other people.” I’d be like okay, you’re an idiot because I’m awesome, but okay. Just tell me! Because the last I remember from him when we were doing our thing before he came out to Massachusetts I was like, “look you’re in your country, I’m in my country, I just assume you’re gonna do your thing and I’m gonna do my thing and when we’re together we’ll just do each others thing.” And he said, “If you’re with anybody else it’ll break my heart.” He is the one that was trying to stop me from being with other people.

Kind of manipulative?
Very manipulative! And a liar and a player! He’s just like, fuck, who is Kyle?! Who is he? Because I don’t know.

@kylecgshore #nyc

A post shared by Cara☘️Maria (@misscaramaria) on Dec 18, 2017 at 6:54pm PST

So what drew you to Paulie when you got there? Can you give us the hookup details?
Oh I look like a total loser, I know that. No, basically I was really hammered that night, totally making an idiot out of myself. He played it off really well. Like the thing with Paulie is when I met him at the airport, I was already friends with Natalie, Natalie was my closest girl, and Paulie was someone she knew from Big Brother. And so we were hanging out in the hotel before The Challenge and there was just a good vibe with him. I really liked him, I was drawn to him. When I was going through all that crap with Kyle he took me into the living room and danced with me, he just made me happy. He was somebody whose energy I wanted to be around. And he knew everything about me and Kyle.

He was sober that first night and played off my advances like a pro. He didn’t make me feel like a loser, he didn’t make me feel like an idiot even though that’s what I looked like. He was just really good with me. And I genuinely was attracted to him and interested and I understand, yes, he has a girlfriend, and that’s not a good look. But when you’re in the house with someone and it’s 24/7 you forget about life on the outside. You just look at what’s in there, really. And no excuses, I definitely look like an idiot at the end of the day.

So the hookup happens later in the season?
You’ll have to keep watching. But me and Paulie, he is really sweet with me, and really good. I know I’m flirty, I’m the same way with Hunter it’s just how I am. There was actually no intentions of, I mean actually there were intentions let’s be real, but… even though I wanted to, I really wasn’t going to go there even though I was flirting really hard. It was fun, I was being goofy. I thought it was funny! I was drunk and hurt by Kyle and being funny and Paulie was being good with me. The hookup, if there is such a hookup, you will not see for a while.

Are there any other controversial hookups from this season you want to put on blast?
Um, YEAH actually. We will just say Kyle is a dirty motherfucker. And we will say that what me and him have that was really sweet on Vendettas, I know that there’s some girls that are specifically using me and what following I have to make themselves relevant and, in turn, thinking Kyle might be a doorway to that. And at the end of the day, girl or girls, are gonna walk away crying about it. So whatever shit they want to talk about me now, they’re going to be the ones in tears on camera when they look like assholes because what they wanted didn’t pan out. So I’ll give you that little sneaky-peaky.

Going back to the game for a minute—I know you said you and Marie are a team to watch, but was there a team you were really afraid of?
Well, honestly looking around Brad and Kyle look the most fierce on paper. I mean really, what kind of elimination will there be? Here’s my thought process. I’ll tell you where my head was at. The last challenge I was at where it was like guy-guy, guy-girl, girl-girl, it was Bloodlines. And two challenges in, we were split into two big teams. So there had to be a certain way so guys go against guys and girls go against girls. Even though I had to go against with my cousin Johnny and Vince at one point, it was still mostly set up that way. So I’m assuming this is like a Bloodlines format and that’s how it’s going to twist. I could be wrong. But if two girls had to go against two guys, besides really a puzzle, how can you equalize certain things?

Is there anything super crazy that we’re not going to see on TV that you can spill?
I’ll give you a couple little background things. So in the hotel, Devin came with us. We’re all together in the hotel and came together on a plane ride and had a couple nights in a hotel to get situated before we get going to the main house and seeing TJ. So Devin was with us, he had a family emergency, so he had to go home. We assumed it was going to be some sort of a rivalry, we thought it could have been teams of three, we thought rivals would be a part of it, just because of the new people and how they would fit in, and we were like, “oh shit that would have been Johnny’s partner.” So then Devin’s gone and so we don’t know who’s going to be his partner.

Another thing—you all also missed the part on the first night where me and Johnny got naked, jumped into the pool together, full-on spread eagle, and then I jumped up and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. That’s my banana. But yeah, they didn’t show that. That might be on the shit they should have shown because that was the only part I really remember that night other than trying to get Paulie to “polidick.”

I was pretty impressed with your ability for drunk wordplay!
Thanks! I’m so bad, dude! I want to be embarrassed but I wouldn’t take it back because watching it I think it’s kind of hilarious. “Your best strategy should be to straddle me.”

So you’ve been on so many seasons, how do you keep your game fresh and how do you keep getting so far?
I get lucky, I guess. I don’t know! I’m really bad at politics, horrible at politics, the only thing people can know for sure with me is that if I tell you something I’m going to follow through. I don’t come into a season making promises to everybody. Which is another reason I wasn’t a fan of Marie. She would call everybody and try to make a deal with everybody and if you’re shaking everybody’s hand then you’ve got nobody. You can’t be friends with everybody. My whole strategy is the one thing that doesn’t change. I’ll try to be a little more low-key which is basically impossible, but I’m just confident enough on doing the best I can on challenges and doing the best I can in eliminations and just you know at the end of the day it’s in your hands whether you go home or not. Whether you get voted in every time or you don’t. Ideally you don’t want to see an elimination. That’s not the smartest way to make a final, because yeah you have bragging rights if you win, but you could come back with an injury like Hunter on Dirty 30—which prevents you from going to a final even if you do win—or when I went into an elimination injured my wrist. So you don’t want to see an elimination. You play the best you can to stay out of it and then if you have to go in you just do work.

Any last words about the season? Any regrets, anything you want to say about the final reckoning?
I regret nothing. And this season is literally the most explosive season I’ve ever done. I want to eat every single episode alive. I can’t wait to see every episode. I want to see more. I wish they would make more episodes so you can see what you miss, there’s too much to see. So much went on. I can’t even, I can’t wait to see how it all plays out. And the rivalries are real, there’s so many hookups. And if you didn’t like some people before you’re really not gonna like them now, unless it’s Johnny. You might find yourself rooting for him.

Tune in to The Challenge: Final Reckoning Tuesdays at 9pm on MTV!

Images: MTV ; Giphy; @misscaramaria/Instagram 

I’ve always had a hard time remembering that reality stars don’t live in their own little world on my TV, ready and willing to embarrass themselves at the touch of my on-demand button. They are, in fact, real people out there bringing shame to their family name by blacking out, crapping their pants, and hooking up with inappropriate partners on national television. Now, instead of just sliding into the orifices DMs of former castmates of their own show *cough* Colton *cough*, many reality stars are branching out and swapping STDs with cast members of other reality shows. It’s like a Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode, except no one here is smart enough to be a doctor. If this is modern love, you can just send me straight to hell right now.

This all came to my attention last week when Nick Viall’s most suspiciously low-key Danielle, Danielle M, was cheated on by her boyfriend Paulie Calafiore from Big Brother with Cara Maria from The Challenge. Mind. Blown. We’ll get back to them in a minute. This relationship inspired me to take a look at what other reality stars are crossing the boundaries of their own shows and have hooked up with your favorite reality stars from other shows. This is a tangled web they’re all weaving, so settle in while I make a sad attempt to unravel this jumble of abandoned DNA and lies.

Danielle M/Paulie Calafiore/Cara Maria

First, I’d be remiss if I did not mention the multitude of adult men on reality TV named Pauly/ie. I’m now suspicious of grown men with this name. I’m not saying that means they are all going to be immature man-babies, but I’m not not saying that, you know?

So apparently this Paulie is from Big Brother, which I have never seen. I have enough of a reminder that big brother is watching me every single day when my deepest darkest thoughts that I’ve never confessed to a soul appear as an ad on my Instagram feed. But, I do know Paulie from the absolute dumpster fire that is Ex On The Beach, where it was revealed that he previously cheated on his girlfriend Lexi. What a charmer. Apparently Paulie has been dating Danielle M since January, and then was cast on The Challenge: The Final Reckoning, where he met Cara Maria and immediately lost all sense of human decency. He recently went on a Twitter rant claiming “For now I can’t be monogamous to one person, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work, I love women, I have a lot of female friends and sometimes I fall for multiple at a time for different reasons whether it’s the sex or the energy shared between the two of us. I try to be faithful but I can’t.” Paulie. You’re fucking canceled. 

Cory Wharton From The Challenge And Multiple Ladies Of Are You The One?

In this big, scary world that’s always changing, there is one thing we can always count on: if it walks and it talks, Cory Wharton will stick his dick in it. Not only has Cory hooked up with many ladies on his own show, The Challenge, but now he’s working his way through the castmates of Are You The One? like he’ll get a free T-shirt if he bones them all. I hope they have his size left when he’s done!

When Cory appeared on The Challenge: Vendettas last season, he brought along his new girlfriend, Alicia from Are You The One?. This all happened after Cory revealed that he had a baby, Ryder, with Cheyenne Floyd, also from Are You The One?. Cory’s Instagram is private because he’s safer about social media than he is about sex, so unfortunately we don’t have many pictures of him being a great dad. Sad!

But wait, the plot thickens. Cory showed up on Ex On The Beach, revealing that he and Alicia broke up—but don’t fret, because he quickly found comfort in Taylor’s vagina. When I last watched Ex On The Beach, Cory was debating going back to Alicia, and I guess we’ll never know what happens because I deleted that trash show from my DVR when I realized I was not a prisoner of war and didn’t actually have to be subjected to torture. If you’re still subjecting yourself to the on-screen version of waterboarding, hit me up in the comments and let me know how this one turns out for Cory.  

Shep Rose/Stacy London/Jaclyn Shuman

Do you all watch Southern Charm? I recently discovered how great it is after years of endlessly mocking the friend that one time had the gall to say I should try it. Sorry for damaging your emotional wellbeing for no reason, Nita! Send me a bill for your therapy sessions, and I will gladly take a look at it before I throw it in the trash. Anyway, Southern Charm is great. There’s gorgeous real estate, convicted felons who think they should run for national office, and Patricia, Queen of the South. And, of course, there is the real life Peter Pan without tights, Shep Rose. I’ve only watched the first two seasons, but boy do I have a crush on Shep circa 2016. If he has a girlfriend now, keep your damn mouth shut and let me have my dream.

Our boy Shep has had a few inter-show relationships, including one with Stacy London from What Not To Wear, aka my own personal Jesus. Cameran Eubanks claimed that Shep and Stacy made out in a bathroom, and while I may not support the location of this hookup because of germs, I fully support this duo. Stacy knows how to dress for her body, and she should go out there and get it. If only this relationship had lasted, I would maybe be willing to let go of my beloved Shep. But ONLY for Stacy.

Showing my newest New York friend @stacylondonreal the @palacehotelchs she's too polite to say it, but I suspect she thinks everything I own is What Not To Wear. #lovelustrun #whynotallthree ?

A post shared by Shep Rose (@relationshep) on Jan 3, 2016 at 2:30pm PST

Shep has also apparently hooked up with Jaclyn Shuman, a second-tier castmate on the poor man’s Vanderpump Rules, Summer House. All I really remember about Jaclyn is that she was a “fit model” which basically means her face isn’t weird enough to be an actual model but she’s starved herself to a point where they’ve rewarded her with a job. Next time at least save it for a Wirkus twin, Sheppie. They get top billing.

Well, that was exhausting and I’m just writing about these hookups. I can only imagine how tiring it all is for Cory. If you all know any other reality star relationships that I can stalk during work hours on my lunch break, do tell!

Images: Giphy (2); @relationshep/instagram