Chris Soules Copped A Plea Deal For That Fatal Hit-And-Run

Another day, another drama desperately in need of Chris Harrison’s commentary. Not because Chris Harrison provides particularly insightful wisdom. He’s just managed to make me feel okay about a lot of things that would otherwise inspire long-term trauma. Today, it’s the news that former Bachelor Chris Soules is getting off on an aggravated misdemeanor after literally taking someone’s life back in 2017. To quote TMZ, Soules “copped incredibly sweet plea” on Tuesday. He’s now pleading guilty to “one count of leaving the scene of a personal injury accident.” Right, because getting rear-ended into a ditch by a drunk driver sounds like “personal injury” to me.

Pretty much Soules’ attitude towards this whole thing:

 

In case you don’t know the story, my last sentence provides a pretty thorough summary I’ll dig in. In April 2017, Soules was driving through Iowa, rear-ended a man’s tractor and knocked it into a ditch. According to Soules’ attorney, he then proceeded to call 911 and administer CPR, staying on the scene until EMTs arrived. His attorneys have less to say about this part, but Soules then got back in his car and hauled ass out of there before the cops showed up. The tractor driver died, and cops tracked Soules back to his house. They found empty and “partially consumed” alcoholic beverages in Soules’ car, and arrested him.

Soules was initially charged with leaving the scene of an accident resulting in death, which is a felony. While other members of our community might have shut the f*ck up and been thankful they weren’t hit with a murder charge, Soules felt that any repercussions for his actions were way harsh and could not stand. So he briefly had his lawyers try to argue that the law itself—the one ruling that the surviving driver in a hit-and-run should return to the scene—was unconstitutional. In a ruling that should be considered common sense but currently feels like a tsunami level wave of relief, this argument did not stand.

Cut to today, and Soules has been offered a plea deal. In exchange for pleading guilty to the non-felony charge of leaving the scene of a personal injury accident, Soules could face up to two years in jail. He’ll receive his sentence in January. And I’m not one to argue that anyone should spend the rest of their life in jail, but I just have to say one more time that this is a really, really light punishment for literally killing someone. While drunk driving, no less! And then fleeing the scene after! Meanwhile, Ice-T is out here getting arrested for unauthorized use of the E-ZPass lane. It’s almost like…the police treat people differently based on their race??? Nah…

I’m sure it won’t be the worst news of this week, or even today. But that’s no reason we can’t let it depress us! Let’s hope at least that this is the worst Bachelor Nation news we hear until Colton’s season starts airing and Arie and Lauren give birth. At that point, I’ll just resign myself to rage-weeping through the next 12 or so Mondays.

Images: Giphy (2)

Archie From ‘Riverdale’, KJ Apa, Was Involved In Late-Night Car Crash

It’s been a rough fucking couple of days for me personally Riverdale fans, because it’s just been reported that Riverdale star KJ Apa was in a late-night car crash last week. KJ plays Archie Andrews, aka the only ginger you’d gladly be a side piece for. The Hollywood Reporter broke the story that KJ was driving himself home—a 45 minute commute—after a 16+ hour work day when he fell asleep at the wheel. Typical fucking Archie.

Here’s what we know: Initial reports claimed the crash happened sometime after midnight and KJ was taken to a local hospital for observation before being discharged without any serious injuries. And like, THANK GOD for that. Can you imagine if his face had been damaged? Or those abs?? I’m not saying this kid doesn’t have talent, because he absolutely does, but let’s just say acting and singing ain’t one of them.

Though Archie KJ came out of the accident unscathed, his car is apparently all sorts of fucked up. The passenger side was completely destroyed after hitting a light pole. What’s more is that supposedly KJ’s BFF and costar Cole Sprouse (Jughead Jones) had “planned to be in the car as well that night but changed plans at the last minute.”

Hold up, WHAT. JUGHEAD COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE CAR??

Office No

This shit just got way too real for me. I may need a moment to collect myself, my thoughts, and try to come to terms with a world that might have been robbed of this perfect face:

Cole Sprouse

K, moment’s over. The accident has caused literal rioting on the set of Riverdale, because they, like me, realize that is was only Archie’s car that got hurt this time. But what if next time it was Cheryl? Or Veronica? OR JUGHEAD? Nah, they can’t take that chance, they’ve got to start standing up for their rights and shit. Respect.

Apparently, the show routinely runs shoots that last until the early morning hours, and the cast and crew are not provided transportation to and from the set, which, like, wtf? What kind of shoddy establishment is The CW running over in Canada, that they can’t even get the stars of their own damn show an Uber? You have enough production value to pull off turning an entire cast into redheads but you can’t get your actors a safe ride home?

After the story broke yesterday The CW released this statement last night regarding the accident, and it is FULL of shade:

“The safety of the cast and crew on all of our productions is of paramount importance to the Studio. Productions adhere to the Screen Actors Guild–mandated turnaround time of 12 hours from wrap time to next day call time for cast members. In accordance with industry standard policy, if any cast or crew member feels tired or unsafe at any time after working, the Studio will provide a taxi, a driver or a hotel room upon request. This is communicated to all cast and crew, both in writing and verbally, at the beginning of production and is reiterated continuously throughout the duration of production.”

Wooowww. I have not seen that much passive-aggression since this morning, when my boss emailed me to “remind me” about our department meeting. But there’s more! The CW released a second statement, which is somehow even pettier:

“First and foremost, we are extremely grateful that KJ Apa was uninjured during his recent accident.”

Lol you know when a formal statement basically begins with “first of all, bitch…”, this shit is about to get juicy AF.

Popcorn

“Secondarily, we want to specifically address the characterization that conditions on the set of Riverdale are of concern. We have a large cast of series regulars, and our actors do not work every day. On the day of the accident, KJ worked 14.2 hours. The previous day he worked 2.5 hours, and the day before that he worked 7.7 hours. KJ has repeatedly been informed about making production aware if he is tired or feels unsafe, and if so, either a ride or hotel room will be provided for him. The accident occurred last Thursday. Additionally, it is untrue that KJ was taken to the hospital. He was treated by first responders on the scene and released by them. We also sent a doctor to his home later that same day for a follow-up to confirm his well-being.”

Damn, they just dragged the shit out of KJ Apa. Like, way to kick someone when they’re down the star of a highly publicized television show.

Honestly though, CW, you need to get your shit together and take care of those 20 year olds who are living better lives than me your actors, otherwise:

Riverdale

…and it will be in the form of a very nasty tweet from me. My wrath knows no bounds.

All I can say is, I’m v glad my favorite hot ginger is okay. Also, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, thank god it was only Archie in the car. I legit cannot even consider the prospect of one hair on Cole Sprouse’s perfect head being injured. Feel better, KJ!