The holidays are an… interesting time to be one half of a couple. (Or like, a third of a throuple, or whatever. I’m not judging, it’s 2018.) Whether you’re figuring out if your fling is serious enough to buy a legitimate gift or trying to coordinate time with each other’s families, the whole thing is a season-long struggle. If there’s one holiday thing you definitely shouldn’t be f*cking up this year, it’s your Instagram captions. Here are 7 captions to avoid if you want to enter 2019 with a group of loyal followers who don’t hate you.
“Baby, All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Please be honest with me for a moment. When you type “Baby, all I want for Christmas is you” as an Instagram caption for a photo of you and whoever you’re banging, what are you hoping to accomplish? Like, what kind of a response are you anticipating? Do you think people are going to be like “lol, love that song!” Because let me tell you, it’s not going to happen. Also, not to get too pedantic, but you already have the person you would want for Christmas, so really, the lyric doesn’t even make sense in this context. IMHO, you’re better off throwing down a Christmas tree emoji and calling it a day.
Something About Being On The Naughty List
Um, ew. Do I even need to explain this one? Joking about being on the naughty list all by your single self is cringeworthy enough. Do not drag your poor, innocent
prisoner partner into it, too. Keep that private, please.
Anything About Sitting On Laps
Just… don’t do it. I have nothing else to say about this.
“Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal”
If you’re feeling tempted to refer to your significant other as a “filthy animal”… maybe, just don’t. No matter how you try to angle it, it just feels icky. Also, I’m still not convinced that half of the people who use this caption actually know where it comes from, and there are plenty of Reddit threads and Quora questions to prove my point. If you don’t get the reference, you don’t deserve to use it as your caption. Those are just the rules of Instagram.
Particularly the phrase “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” I’ll admit, I’ve definitely done this before but… we all have. Which is why it is now officially deemed stale. Unless your photo has a true Elf hook, don’t shoehorn this true Christmas classic into your photo of you and your beloved making out. However, the one Elf quote that is acceptable for everyone to use is “So, good news. I saw a dog today.” That’s it.
“The Tree Isn’t The Only Thing Getting Lit This Year”
Did the single sip of eggnog that you had just for a photo op in front of the tree suddenly send you back to 2015? Yes, most of us still say “lit” ironically in daily conversation, but that does not mean that it is relevant enough to serve as an Instagram caption. It’s kind of like “bae”. We still say it, but we do not utilize it in public-facing communications. I don’t make the rules, I just observe them.
“Meet Me Under The Mistletoe”
Okay, not to turn into one of those psychos who pushes their Christmas traditions on everyone, à la the people who get up in arms about Starbucks cups every year, but… am I the only one who strongly believes that mistletoe is best used for people who are NOT in a relationship? Like, that’s boring. It’s more fun to grab a CONSENTING crush and be like “lol, guess we have to kiss now!” This is not an excuse for committed people to practice PDA! (I would like to take this moment to again highlight the importance of CONSENT! Do not be creepy!)
Really, when creating your couples Instagram captions this holiday season, it’s best to keep in mind that all your single friends are rolling their eyes and sh*t talking you to their other single friends. Guess we’re just jealous! Or tired of seeing every single couple post the same picture, thinking they’re original. You decide!
Images: Giphy (4)
Let’s be real, the only reason you’re posting on Snapchat is because you look good, but obvs you can’t just post a selfie without a caption. I mean, a caption can make the difference between you looking chill and witty versus just thirsty AF. Everyone knows you’re posting pics on social media to flex on your friends, but much like CrossFit (at least we assume), everyday can’t just be leg day. As in, you might have your selfie game on point, but if your captions are always the same old shit, sorry but you can’t sit with us.
Well you’re welcome because a new app CapGenius takes the effort out of coming up with clever captions because it does it for you. It’s honestly the best thing for Snapchat since the dog filter. Basically you download the app and it comes with a keyboard that has pre-written captions for every category imaginable. You know how you ask your friends “what should my caption be?” because you know your crush is going to view your story? Well this app is like if you asked your friends, but your friends were funnier and more clever and didn’t just make the same 5 jokes over and over. And also you didn’t have to wait for them to respond because you’re busy and time is of the essence.
The captions are split up in categories, including quotes by celebrities such as Aziz Ansari, Beyoncé, and yours truly, The Betches… so it’s literally like if we helped you write your captions. You’re welcome. Look, we know you’re witty if you want to be, but who has the time? You’re busy #winning so you can’t spend 20 minutes deciding what you want to say about your rooftop pic. You just want everyone to know you’re on a rooftop.
For example, if I wanted to snap a picture of me doing Sirasana in my new yoga pants, I might type in the keyword “Yoga” and choose the caption “Namaslay all day”. There’s every key word you would need, from tacos to coffee to 420. It’s like a pocket thesaurus for witty captions except less nerdy.
You can also submit your own caption options if you agree, you think you’re really funny. If you’re the one your friends always ask for help on captions, then you might get featured on the app yourself.
The bottom line is, no matter how hot you are, if you’re posting too many selfies with no context to your stories, you’re going to come off annoying af. So avoid
being an Anne Hathaway trying too hard and just get the CapGenius app, loser. You wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first, so why would you post a selfie without asking the Betches first?
Download CapGenius here, and follow them on Twitter @CapGeniusApp.
It’s a common struggle betches know all too well: you take a fire selfie and want to share it with the world. Your highlight is on point, the lighting situation is ideal, and you’ve already chosen the perfect filter to play up your nearly emaciated cheekbones. The only problem? You can’t think of a fucking caption to save your life. “I’m probably gonna delete this later, but I just thought I looked funny lol” is not going to cut it. So what are you supposed to do, not grace your social media followers with your beauty?
Alternative scenario: You’re all roasting your DD friend in the group chat. It’s all fun and games until the object of roasting turns to you. You’re blanking. You know you’ll come up with an amazing comeback five hours from now when you’re taking a shower, but that obviously doesn’t help you now. So what’s a betch to do? Solution: download our new app CapGenius.
WTF is CapGenius? It’s our new
philanthropy venture app that will help you craft the perfect caption or comeback for any situation. And by “help you” we mean “do it for you” aka the best kind of help.
“This fun little addition to your iPhone keyboard offers a search engine for quips, puns, quotes, lyrics and other phrases that you can quickly pop into your Instagram posts, status updates, snaps, tweets, texts, and more.” —TechCrunch
So here’s how it works:
1. Download CapGenius
Fucking duh. Download it here in the Apple store.
2. Take Your Selfie/Food Pic, Blah Blah Blah, & Instagram It
Should be self-evident, but nothing is in this day and age anymore.
3. Open Up The CapGenius Keyboard
Change your keyboard the same way you’d add a bitmoji or Kimoji.
4. Search CapGenius For The Right Category & Browse
Instagramming a photo of pizza? Consider the pizza category. Looking for a way to humble brag about your selfie? There’s a selfie category for that. Going the emo sub-Insta route? Song Lyrics is probably the one for you. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life; these are just a few ideas.
5. Select The Caption You Want
And it’s done! Again, this also works in group chats, booty call texts, when you just don’t know how to respond to that guy’s text… you name it, we’ve thought of it. You basically never have to use your brain again. What a world we live in.