Everything You Need To Do Before Summer Ends: Your Weekly Horoscopes

This week is basically the last one you have to get all that shit on your summer bucket list done before it’s pumpkin spice season. No, like, literally. Baristas have told Reddit that PSL sauce is back in stock, with a release date of September 5th. That’s right, motherfuckers. It might be 100 degrees outside, but your mood is totally all #fall now. With that, you’ll be back on the daily grind and tryna get back in a routine. Thanks to Mercury and its goddamned retrograde still happening, be prepared for some bumps along the way.

Aries

You’re in this weird headspace where you want to play and finish summer strong, but you’re also kinda ready to move on to the next best thing. Mercury is attracting an ex or an old fling back into your orbit. Which, you know, would kind of contradict your desire to move on. It’s like you’re trying to get out, but what’s-his-penis keeps pulling you back in! It really won’t matter either way in six months if you fall back into the arms of an old flame. He’ll be old/fake news in a month anyway.

Fake News

Taurus

Labor Day being right around the corner has you scrambling to solidify plans to get in one last adventure before fall. I mean, did you even take enough bikini pics this summer to tide you over on TBTs through the winter? Are you willing to give up on being tan this early in the year ? These are serious questions you need to ask before making the final decision on if you’re getting out of town near a pool or settling in to the pale life. The choice is yours. Likewise, a Taurus betch likes the comforts in life—don’t force yourself to make plans with your friends if they’re doing something shitty like camping for the long weekend.

Gemini

The focus this week continues to be on your private life. You’re being a little secretive, or, dare I say, even a little shady to your friends about who or what you’ve been doing lately. They might bring it up, but like, you really don’t need to make everything about your life public. Keeping some things on the DL will be beneficial to you. Mercury in retrograde is frustrating you. You’re being a little forgetful and misplacing more things than usual. Classic retrograde.

Shady

Cancer

It’s a super busy time for you. The start of school/fall always kind of feels like a new beginning and you’re basically booked solid between shit you have to do and shit you want to do. Even though Mercury is in retrograde, you’re balancing all of it pretty well and even finding time to actually enjoy yourself without stressing out about the next thing you have to get done. Happiness for you right now is about leaving your options open. So don’t lock anything down this week; better things might be right around the corner.

Leo

Mars and Venus are both retrograde in Leo this time around. WTF does that mean, right? Well, for starters, feisty Mars makes your assertiveness a little too bold for some others to stomach. Don’t freak out too much—Venus sorta counteracts that by making you tolerable to be around, calming you down a little bit and stuff. Mercury in retrograde heightens all of these feelings, making you feel like you’re going a little crazy. Tell people you’re just really passionate right now and then hope they forget how much of a nutcase you were by next week.

Crazy Pills

Virgo

This is your time. Yas, Virgo! Get out those cheap sunglasses you bought because you like how they look on one of the Bachelor stars, because your future looks bright AF. The Sun in your sign for the next four weeks shines a flattering light on you, attracting people and opportunities to you. Mercury in retrograde isn’t really fucking with your shit, which is ideal. Instead, it’s heightening your observational and research skills. It’s a super good time for you to get to sleuthing and finding the answers you’ve been seeking.

Libra

Are you a good betch or a bad betch? This week, you really can’t decide. You’re running hot and cold about a lot of things in your life. One day you’ll feel one way, and the next day you’ll be like, “Seriously, WTF was I thinking?” You usually aren’t the best at time management and spread yourself a little too thin when it comes to obligations. Mercury in retrograde might cause some scheduling mishaps, so check your calendar/planner twice before signing up for shit this week.

Schedule

Scorpio

Ahhh yes, the sign of Katy Perry. Much like how some producer people put Katy in charge of running the show at the VMAs over the weekend, you have a take-charge attitude and are ready to get shit done in the week ahead. Your sense of ambition is heightened, and there are like, a lot of opportunities for you capitalize upon. Relationships between you and those who have some power over you i.e. your boss/professor/parents will be all good in the hood, so use that to your best advantage during this window of opportunity.

Sagittarius

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO will be your motto this time around, and not just because you share a zodiac sign with Taylor Swift. Actually, it’s totally because of T-Swift and I just wanted to mention that. Anyway, the Sun is at the top of your chart still, putting all the attention on you. Go figure, right? When all eyes are on you, it’s a good time to use your talent and capabilities to their fullest—put yourself on display, if you will. Hell, now would even be a good time to premiere a music video on a show hosted by your fiercest rival. I mean, if you’re into that.

Taylor Swift

Capricorn

A two-year window of having to make sacrifices in your life is finally coming to a close. You’ve been feeling like everything—friendships, apartments, relationships—has been really temporary and you’re ready for a more stable time in your life. Starting in your new year, you’ll get a chance to feel more settled. Not like, settled down and boring, but like, stable and happy. That type of shit. In the mean time, long-standing arguments are going to be settled in your favor. See, not all of Mercury in retrograde is so bad.

Aquarius

Everything is like, super intense for you right now. You can’t even scroll your Twitter feed without feeling #devastated by every piece of news you see. Mars makes you easily annoyed with others and their stupid opinions. You might come to a point where you need a break from someone close to you because you realize your differences in opinion about something important are just too, well, different. Fortunately, Venus will balance you out a little bit. Venus will make you feel #blessed and thankful for what you have.

Surrounded By Idiots

Pisces

If you’re not a psychology major, you’ll certainly feel like this one this week. I mean, don’t actually switch your major or career just because you want to shrink some heads. That’d be crazy. What I mean is, this is a great time for the empathy of Pisces to come into play. You’ll better understand your relationships. You’ll be more aware of what others mean to you and exactly where you stand with them. Whatever you learn will make your life easier. How does Mercury in retrograde fuck shit up for you this week? It creates little glitches and mistakes in your day-to-day. Get ready to use that little poop emoji to describe your day.

What’s Summer Without Drama? Weekend Horoscopes June 23-26

Summer is here, and we all know what that means. The weather gets hot af and people start to get salty as hell. Whether it be that you were the recipient of some unnecessary drama this week or felt compelled to start some shit between your coworkers just for shits and gigs, this weekend is all about damage control. Or doing more damage. I guess it depends on where you want to go in life. But of course, you’re not looking to hear my advice. You want to hear from the greatest shit-starter of all: the Universe. Here’s how the stars and planets want you to fuck up your relationships this weekend.

Aries

Change is coming, Aries, whether you like it or not. Does this suck? Well I guess that depends on how happy you are with your life right now. Seeing as how you’re looking to us for astrological guidance, something tells me that you’re not that happy. This weekend, take a long, hard look at your life and your choices and figure which parts you’d be okay with shifting. Or, better yet, which parts you would be scared to change up, and then immediately change them. You’re too young and hot to let life get stale, so use this as a chance to remind everyone how easygoing and versatile you can truly be. Much like a good leather jacket, you’ll never go out of style. Time to start figuring out how to transition into the new you.

Taurus

Despite our ongoing efforts to be easygoing and aloof to a fault, sometimes shit happens. Your friends fuck up, you fuck up, and fights ensue. These aren’t the fun drunk fights where you yell at a stranger in a bar because they skipped your entire jukebox playlist that you spent 20 minutes painstakingly crafting.  These are real fights, with real people, and they fucking suck. This will be a weekend of realizing stuff, Taurus, and they won’t all be fun. Sometimes fights happen and feelings get hurt and people cry and there’s no grand resolution at the end, and that’s okay. Let it happen anyway. Contrary to popular opinion, sharing your feelings can be cathartic. Imagine an hour of hot yoga but without any of the physical exertion. So don’t shy away from these situations this weekend; a detox for your soul is just as important as one for your body.

Gemini

After a bit of a letdown this week, it would be easy to spend all weekend wallowing, Gemini. But guess what? You’re not going to do that. Pouting is for toddlers and grown men, but not for you. Distract yourself from any lingering disappointment by throwing yourself into a weekend full of activities. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, as long as you’re surrounded by people and preferably alcohol. It’s shocking how therapeutic and nostalgic summer nights can be; lean into that. This weekend you’re just a kid with the whole world ahead of them. Reality can wait until Monday.

Cancer

Unrequited love is the worst, Cancer. We’ve said it. Charlie Brown said it. Every song ever written has said it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You have two tasks this entire weekend: recognizing that the situation isn’t going to work out in your favor, and then doing everything in your power to move past it. Obviously you’re not going to accomplish all of this in two days, but you can at least get started. I find that nothing speeds along the process like bottomless margaritas (DISCLAIMER: Pass off your phone to a trusted friend before pursuing this strategy). The bottom line is, whatever piece of shit you’re brooding over doesn’t realize that you’re the best thing that could possibly happen to him, and thus he is not worth your time. Channel Rihanna and stop caring about anything men have to say. Trust us, you’ll be stronger for it.

Leo

Summer is here, Leo, which would be really exciting except for one thing: you’ve been spending money like a fucking fiend and are running low on your vacation budget. It was hard to think this far ahead back in winter when everything was awful and your only solace was limitless Postmates. We get it. But now the sun is here and clothes are cute again and there are trips to be taken and tickets to be bought and you’re fucking broke. This weekend, get back to the grind. Stop eating out every day. Stop drunkenly perusing amazon. Bottom line: save money. The summer is long and just getting started, so make sure you’re financially prepared to celebrate all of it the way you should be.

Virgo

Summer has officially arrived, Virgo, which means it’s time to shed that winter mentality you’ve been carrying around with you for six months now. Because guess what? With the sun comes every attractive person in your city who has been hibernating underground all winter, just like you. And now they’re everywhere! This weekend, get your ass out there and celebrate with them. Hit every rooftop bar you can possibly find. Get as close to a body of water as your location will allow. Break out those sundresses that have been gathering dust at the back of your closet. Whatever it takes, just get outside and revel in the fact that summer is here and good things are coming with it.

Libra

Venus hasn’t been kind to you this month, Libra, and we can tell it’s starting to take its toll. Lucky for you, summer is the absolute best time to be lovesick. Why? Because everyone is trying to hook up. It’s like freshman year of college for three straight months, meaning there are no rules, no standards, and seemingly endless amounts of alcohol. Getting wasted on a Tuesday night in November would be frowned upon in your office, but showing up hungover any given morning of the summer is basically a rite of passage. Take advantage of this advantageous environment to get over whatever shitty relationship has you down. If all else fails, listen to Lorde’s new album and take solace in the fact that love sucks for everyone, even incredibly talented 20-year-old millionaires.

Scorpio

You’ve been walking on sunshine for a few weeks now, Scorpio, and it doesn’t look like you’ll be coming down anytime soon. Great news, right? If only the horoscope ended here, but sadly it doesn’t. The world is full of miserable people who hate to see others succeed, which means they’re going to try and tear you down. Don’t let them. Feel free to put these trolls down all weekend long, in whatever manner pleases you. In fact, be happier in the face of their ridicule. Nothing is more satisfying than letting shitty people know that you don’t give a damn about their opinion.

Sagittarius

Procrastination is a pillar in our lives, Sagittarius, but you’ve been pushing it lately. Like, we commend your efforts, but Jesus Christ. This isn’t a college all-nighter, this is your life. Sometimes you might actually need to plan ahead and, wait for it, work proactively. Sounds rough, right? That’s because it is. Welcome to adulthood, my friends. The plus side is that, as an adult, you get to reward yourself with ample alcohol for accomplishing the most minor of tasks. Go forth and drink, but get shit done while you do it.

Capricorn

After multiple weekends of social media stalking and aggressive avoidance, this weekend is a time for you to chill the fuck out, Capricorn. No coordination. No activating old Find My Friends relationships. For the next two days, go where the wind takes you, and ignore anyone else that might end up in the same place. You have every right to be there, so let people work around your schedule for a change. A rolling stone collects no moss, and a roving drunk girl collects no numbers. Sit tight and let the universe do its thing.

Aquarius

Standing up for yourself can be hard. No one knows this better than you, Aquarius. A constant people pleaser, it’s difficult for you to ever put yourself first. But luckily for you, this weekend is when you start. Let the world hear you roar, Aquarius. Contrary to popular belief, your friends will still love you even if your opinion differs from theirs. And if they don’t, what kind of fucking friends were they anyways? At some point it will come time to recognize that people who hold you back have no place in your life. What better time than the present?

Pisces

This is a weekend for going with the flow, Pisces. Too often you find yourself trying to be the coordinator in a mass of unorganized, flaky assholes. Stop. Not every weekend needs an itinerary, and that’s possibly the most important lesson I can impart to you in this world. Let other people figure out what the fuck is going on for once, and just show up and leave as your heart pleases. You might find that a lack of structure is exactly what you needed. Or you’ll hyperventilate and immediately start a group text to nail down some definitive plans. But hey, at least you gave it a shot.