I know it’s unbecoming to discuss someone’s flaws for their birthday, but you are a Cancer and it really needs to be addressed. Does anyone know the precise time America was born? I’m really going to need to know its moon and rising sign to see how f*cked we are.
I tried to find out myself, but your actual birth date is contested (apparently the Declaration of Independence was written on July 2nd, approved by Congress July 4th, and the thing wasn’t actually signed until August 2nd?!) so I’m just going to have to assume you’re Cancer on Cancer on Cancer on Cancer with a little bit of Leo. The Leo part does track considering the Kardashians and your belief you’re the dominant world power despite *gestures at literally everything*.
The Cancer does explain why everyone you comprise is so sensitive, emotional, and batsh*t when it comes to change—unless it’s changing electoral boundaries to sway the vote one way or another. But I guess that’s a way of maintaining the status quo, now that I think about it?? And white is the color most associated with Cancer—omg. And, after all, gerrymandering has been a long tradition in this country, and we all know how much Cancers love their antiquated traditions. Change is scary—unless it’s changing the channel to something toothless like current-era Simpsons!
You’re such a Cancer, America, it’s also hard to take you seriously! For real, you’re a caricature of yourself and it’s kind of nuts. We all know Cancers are crabby homebodies, but the rest of the world makes fun of you for how little your population travels. And don’t get me started on the monolingual monstrosity that is everyone you stand for. Only 20% of the United States is bilingual, compared to 56% of Europeans. And our accents suck….soOoOo….
Not only do you process all information emotionally, you react intensely to everything. Seriously, e v e r y t h i n g. Remember your last president who went off the rails because someone said his hands were small? Isn’t the president a reflection of the country? Didn’t an insurrection happen on January 6th because that president’s supporters didn’t get their way? Isn’t Congress just pretending none of that happened?
I’m getting emotional whiplash over here—good thing you have some Leo in you to roll your eyes at your Cancerous parts and move on, America! It takes a real Leo rising to make your own birthday a national holiday. Especially one traditionally celebrated with an all-night party featuring fireworks.
Sure, you may wear your heart on your sleeves, U.S., but don’t have a meltdown if anyone leaves your party early. However, it is your party, America—you can cry if you want to. And everyone knows you probably will want to, you messy, emotional bitch. Just try not to be your vindictive self and post unflattering guest photos on Insta.
My hope for your 245th birthday is that you stop being a moody crybaby. But if the past 244 years are any inclination, we’re not going to have to wait for a retrograde to see you revert to your old ways. Anyway, happy birthday, America—you’re a handful, but I haven’t left yet. Probably because I only know one language.
Your Antsy Astrologer with Stockholm Syndrome
Images: Daniel Monteiro / Unsplash
Do you feel that? It’s the last week of Mercury retrograde, which means soon you’ll be able to get your sh*t together. It also means you’re going to have to take responsibility for your own actions and not just blame it on a random rock in the sky. Or just shift gears and blame it on the pandemic. Your choice.
It’s time to build your sanctuary, Aries! This WFH sh*t is going to be lasting for a while, and bars and restaurants are basically ancient history. Now is the time to make your space into the bar/restaurant/music festival/nap pod you’ve always dreamed of. And yes, that does mean dropping some dollars on a set of fancy-ass sheets.
Take time with your communications this week, Taurus. Mercury is still in retrograde and she is hitting you hard, so double-check those emails and texts before hitting send, and maybe refrain from talking sh*t on Slack for a while. Once Mercury is out of retrograde, you can resume DMing your work wife minute-to-minute breakdowns of how annoying Ashley from HR is with reckless abandon.
That thing you’ve been procrastinating? Now is the time, Gemini! Mercury retrograde is coming to a close, making it the perfect time to tie up loose ends and generally get your sh*t in order. That way you can hit the ground running and actually accomplish the things on your to-do list before she swings in reverse again and your ability to concentrate turns to mush.
Mercury was retrograde in your sign this past month, meaning you might have found yourself a little tongue tied. But not anymore! Now is a great time to clear up any misconceptions that may have arisen due to your Mercury brain. Just like, don’t actually cite Mercury retrograde in your apology. That never ends well. Trust me.
This week brings some much needed clarity for you, Leo, which is great because things have been a bit foggy lately. Take some time to sit down and answer life’s great questions, like “what is my true purpose?” and “why do I keep eating cheese even though I am clearly lactose intolerant?” (The answer: it’s delicious.)
Omg is that…can it be…a social life! Blessed be! This week you are finding new ways to resolve the lost art of chilling with the homies, whether it be a socially distant outdoor meetup or a new type of Zoom hangout that doesn’t suck. Let us know what you come up with for that last one, btw. The other signs are dying to know.
The distraction ends today, Libra! Your head has been in clouds but you are back down to earth and ready to get sh*t done. Laundry? Completed. Inbox? Zero. Weird pile of clothes in the back corner of your closet? Okay so that’s still there, but you’ll get to it soon!
When is honesty too honest? This is a dilemma that has plagued you your whole life, Scorpio, and this week is no exception. Be sure to check and double-check whether or not your comments are necessary this week, as you could veer from “truth” to “too far” without even realizing. Like, everyone knows Meghan has been wearing the same pants since March. No need to point it out.
Do you like him, or did he just test positive for the antibodies? This week you may find yourself feeling mixed up in the realm of love. Before making any commitments, be sure to check in with yourself and make sure it’s not just your COVID dry spell that’s doing the talking.
An old flame might come back into your life this week, Capricorn, but are you prepared for that? And more importantly, do you even want it? These are the questions you must ask yourself before you respond to your ex’s “just checking in” text. They’re never just checking in.
How are those self-care routines going, Aquarius? This week your wellness routines are going to take center stage, and you’ll be feeling motivated to check out some new YouTube workouts or even—gasp—go for a run. And they said it was impossible to get hotter in quar.
You’re keeping it low-key this week, which is good because as soon as Mercury is out of retrograde the spotlight will be shining right in your face. Enjoy this last week of leaving people on read because once the messenger planet flies into forward motion, your DMs will be out of control. *Sigh* It’s so hard being popular.
Images: Giphy (12)
Do you feel that, readers? In addition to both Pluto and Jupiter putting it into reverse this week, the moon is headed into Scorpio. That can mean only one thing: it’s sexy time. Also, a little bit crazy time. It’s sexy-crazy time. Embrace it. (You kind of don’t really have a choice…)
Look at you go, Aries! This week you’re using your natural charms and flirtation skills do draw someone in, whether it be a long-time flame or a new crush. You’re feeling and looking absolutely irresistible these days, so it’s no wonder your DMs are full. Get in line, people!
This week, Scorpio is helping you go deep with a partner and clear the air about an important issue. If you’ve been being stubborn about something lately (hint: you have), why not explore letting it go? Sure, you might be right (you always are), but some things are just not worth the drama. Your life isn’t a reality show… yet.
This week, a surprise attraction to someone unexpected could lead to a legit relationship. Or at least, some very fun flirting. Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone who piques your interest, even if they were previously unavailable. After three months in quarantine, there are a lot of newly single people reentering the dating scene. Just saying.
It’s only Tuesday, and you are already pretty much done with work for the week. Unfortunately, work is not done with you. Expect a lot of staring longingly out the window wishing summer vacation for adults was a thing. And be sure to leave Slack notifications on in case you fall asleep.
The Scorpio moon has you in your feelings, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself more than a little emotional this week. That means jamming out to your favorite sad song playlist, tearing up at motivational quotes on Insta, and bursting into tears at the mere memory of a This is Us episode. You’ve been warned.
Is it time to revive an old flame? Scorpio moon says yes! This week you might find yourself reevaluating an old relationship and realizing it wasn’t all that bad. Either that, or your quarantine goggles have you looking right past a series of red flags. Proceed with caution.
Slow it down, Libra. The Scorpio moon has you appreciating the little things, so be sure to spend some time this week taking walks, looking at flowers, scrolling through interior design Instas, or anything else that pleases your eye. It’s better than watching your roommate’s dish pile grow for the ninth week in a row.
Your guard? Yeah, you’re gonna need to keep that up a little longer. The Scorpio moon has everyone acting…well…a little like you. That is to say, shady as f*ck. Stay mindful and in your lane and you’ll be fine. These amateurs don’t know how to handle your energy.
Hey! Sagittarius! Over here! Focus! Please! This week’s Scorpio moon has you feeling dreamy as f*ck and is making it literally impossible to concentrate. Like, I’m honestly impressed you’ve made it to this sentence. This is just one of those weeks where you watch an entire episode of a show and realize you have no f*cking clue what happened. Don’t stress about it. Though maybe you should refrain from using the oven for a few days…
You’ve been flying solo for much of quarantine, but this week a collab is in order. Chances are you’ve been taking on a lot of responsibility at work where you could have been delegating (aka a typical Monday for Capricorn), but that ends today. I know it’s hard to believe, but there are other capable people in this world who can help you with tasks. We promise.
Take a risk this week, Aquarius! If you’ve been playing it safe these past few weeks, now is the time to break free. Your intuition is razor-sharp, meaning that even your craziest ideas have merit. Except that one about getting back with your ex. That’s just the pandemic talking.
This week, you stop being polite and start getting real. It’s no more Mrs. Nice Pice from here on out. With the moon in Scorpio, you have no patience for the bullsh*t and I am genuinely frightened for anyone who attempts to serve it to you. Especially if they do so on the apps.
Images: Giphy (12)