Cancel culture is by far the best thing to come out of the last decade. Sure, in some cases it can be hurtful and uncalled for, but so is polishing off an entire box of wine over the course of 72 hours. What’s your point? I, for one, am living for cancel culture, and not just because it speaks to the blackest, pettiest parts of my heart (though that is certainly a plus). There’s something to be said for holding people accountable for their actions, for holding a mirror up to all of their wrongs and saying “you know why, YOU KNOW WHY.” And in the past decade, no one has been called out more for their bullsh*t than powerful men, especially in Hollywood. Canceling sexy, powerful men (aside from being a sexual fetish of mine) feels like a long time coming and a necessary part of moving forward as a society. My vote has always been to isolate the men in an underground bunker and only let them out for breeding purposes or until they’ve learned to behave themselves, but my therapist calls this plan “troubling” and “something to discuss in our next session.” For now, I suppose, I’ll just have to settle for tarnishing their reputations and banishing their names and negative energy from the mainstream media. Sighs.
So, as we approach a new year and a new decade, let’s take a look at all of the men we need to cancel forever and finally leave behind (to hopefully eat sh*t and die):
Talk about a 10 year challenge. No one has aged less well than James Franco. I’m not gonna lie, but back in the day I was a huge fan of Franco’s, and that had everything to do with his role as tortured (but sexy) knight in the romantic drama Tristian & Isolde. But little did I know that while I was swooning over hot beach sex and painful British accents, our boy James was out here allegedly manipulating and sexually exploiting the struggling, young actresses of LA. This is why we can’t have nice things, James!!
Back in 2018, and in the wake of #MeToo, several women from James’ acting school, Studio 4, came forward and alleged that this highly esteemed “school” was actually just an elaborate ploy to take advantage of young women. Furthermore, the $300 highly sought after “classes” taught at his “school” allegedly involved women disrobing in front of James and his pals. Hmm. This feels less like honing one’s craft and more like a page out of Harvey Weinstein’s playbook, but okay. Recently, two of the five women who came forward filed a lawsuit against James and I’m really hoping they take him for everything he’s worth. I always say, there’s no better way to start a new year than by watching a man be financially ruined. Cheers!
I was today years old when I found out that Nate Parker, actor and former man of my dreams, is actually a flaming piece of sh*t. For those of you who don’t know, Nate Parker rose to fame after his role in The Great Debaters and, more recently, The Birth of a Nation. But I know him from Beyond the Lights, an OSCAR WORTHY movie, about hip-hop artist Noni who doesn’t want to be anyone’s music video hoe, she just wants to get back to making real music, and the sexy but sensitive cop who helps her find herself. So, as I’m sitting here WEEPING at the scene where Nate Parker whispers “I see you” to Noni, I find out that in real life Nate Parker has a very dark and troubling past that involves allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in college.
While attending Penn State in the late 1990s, Parker and his wrestling buddy were accused, and actually tried in a court of law, of raping a female student. Parker was found not guilty while his pal was found guilty, only to have his conviction overturned. With all the hype surrounding Parker’s new movie, The Birth of a Nation, the case has come back into the spotlight with renewed interest, and the information surrounding the case is… troubling to say the least. The victim alleged that she was too drunk to consent to sex, and that after she accused Parker and his friend of rape, she was harassed on campus by Parker and his friends so much so that she “feared for her life.” I’m not going to get into the full story here, but if you’d like to read more about the case (and you absolutely should) then this Vulture article is a great read. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go quietly weep for Noni and her monster of a prince charming.
First of all, I’d just like to say that I was never a fan of Brad’s. Not only do I think his acting is subpar (I said what I said!), but it goes against every bone of my deeply feminist body to support a philanderer like him. I have to save that kind of compassion and forgiveness for my own romantic relationships with cheating assholes, obviously. That said, he is good-looking, and in the last 10 years he has done nothing but further sully his own reputation so, congratulations Brad, you made my hit list. Bravo.
I think by now we all remember the infamous plane incident of 2016 that resulted in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting a divorce after nearly 12 years together and Brad being investigated by the FBI for child abuse. But just in case you need a refresher, in 2016 Brad allegedly got into a drunken fight with Angelina (he was drunk; she was not) on the family’s private plane on the way home from France. An anonymous person then reported Brad to Los Angeles DCFS and claimed that Brad “attacked” their 15-year-old son Maddox during said fight. Apparently, Maddox jumped into the fight to verbally defend his mom when Brad “lunged at the boy.” Brad has vehemently denied hitting his son, though he does admit to being drunk and yelling at people. Since the incident, Brad has undergone a stint in rehab while Angelina has pushed for full custody of their kids in the divorce. Yikes. And to think I thought his low as a human being was when he copied his girlfriend Gwyneth’s haircut that one time, but it’s good to know I can still be proven wrong.
Chuck Bass is the reason I, a grown-ass woman in her late 20s, still consistently match with 23-year-olds in polo shirts on Hinge. So, it shocked me to find out that the man who plays a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women was allegedly, in real life, a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women. What is that saying about art imitating life? In 2018, actress Katrina Cohen came forward on Facebook and alleged that Westwick had raped her in 2015. In the Facebook post she says that the reason she didn’t come forward until after #MeToo was because she was persuaded into believing she was somehow complicit in her attack and that making accusations against the actor would kill her own career. No charges were ever filed due to “insufficient evidence” but the accusation itself is upsetting and troubling and reason enough for all of us to stop incorporating a whispered “I’m Chuck Bass” into foreplay (or is that just me?). Hey, Ed? You can go Chuck yourself now, mmkay?
Remember when the Bachelor was actually America’s most eligible man and not just a flaming piece of garbage masquerading as a very attractive human man? No? Me either. Chris Soules was the Bachelor back in 2014 but his most recent claim to fame is that he accidentally ran someone over—and killed him!—as a result of drinking and driving. Wow, do we think Becca Tilley is feeling blessed that she never received that final rose, or what? Chris, always the gentleman, took responsibility for his actions by evading charges at all costs. At one point his lawyers even claimed that the law he violated (leaving the scene of a hit and run) was actually unconstitutional because it, like, got him in trouble. Look, this is a thing I say when my barista f*cks up my order and puts three pumps instead of two pumps into my peppermint mocha, and in that instance, is totally valid. When it’s not valid? Manslaughter. Here’s hoping that in the new year he’s properly banished back to the Iowa cornfield from whence he crawled out of.
Sadly, I’m sure there are many more Hollywood hotties who could have made this list, but truthfully I’m afraid if I include any more I’ll slip into another rage blackout and accidentally burn this entire world to the ground. Anyway, can’t wait to see what the new decade brings! Hopefully it’s a continuance of believing women and holding men accountable for their disgusting, damaging, and just, like, really illegal behavior. Cheers to the new year!!
Images: Shutterstock.com (5)
We’re not even a full week into February yet, and honestly, 2018 isn’t doing a stellar job at convincing anyone it plans to save us from the 365 days of hellfire that was 2017. A few good things actually did come out of 2017 though, like the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. However, these movements wouldn’t be around in the first place if certain people didn’t act like total effing scumbags. There are seriously too many people to list, and I don’t have the time for that otherwise we’d be here all day, so here’s a shortlist to remind you who’s officially over and cancelled as we head into this new year reclaiming our time.
1. Harvey Weinstein
Do I really need to explain this one? The description for Time’s Up literally says it was formed in response to the “Weinstein Effect.” When you have your own “effect” named after you, it’s pretty safe to say you’re a monster of epic proportions and deserve to be cancelled indefinitely.
2. James Franco
Oh, James. Sometimes when a dude sorta looks like a creep, and talks like a creep, and smiles like a creep…he turns out to be a creep. Any professor who offers an instructional class on how to act in sex scenes should probably raise some red flags. Plus, we hear he’s allegedly a head pusher, and that is cool under absolutely no circumstance. The gag reflex is a delicate thing, and I will choose where I move my head when I damn well please. Next.
3. Matt Damon
Matt Damon is a classic case of “if you just kept your mouth shut, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have enough money to buy more vodka and bring that problem full circle again. Damon tried to differentiate the “spectrum” of sexual assault, because apparently it’s important to keep it straight that whipping your dick out and rubbing one out to an unwilling audience is not the same thing as grabbing a handful of ass without consent. Both are disgusting, but it’s a different disgusting. Thank you for clearing that up, Matthew. He also said he was hoping more attention could be given to men who have not been accused of sexual misconduct in order to…IDK clear the reputation of men everywhere? The last thing we need is more attention on powerful men. Like, at all. How d’ya like them apples?
4. Louis C.K.
Speaking of unsolicited jerking off, we now turn to Louis C.K., a comedian whose jokes about non-consensual assault and masturbation actually turned out to be true. Wow, a man who tells the truth – in any other scenario he’d be given a pat on the back and a gold medal. But this is not one of those impressive displays of honesty, and even though he issued a half-assed apology, he and his overexposed fire crotch are still DOA. *Friends theme song clap*
5. Kevin Spacey
Did you forget about Mr. Spacey? That might be because he was literally erased from existence following the many accusations against him for forcing himself on young men – most notably one who was underage at the time. Then he tried to make it all ok by being like “but wait, I’ve been gay this whole time! Pls respect my bravery for coming out in this trying time.” Absolutely not. Being gay is not an excuse for anything other than choosing exclusively Whitney Houston songs at karaoke. Not only is Spacey himself cancelled, but he also fucked up the final season of House of Cards, and that is a crime against Netflix and humanity. President Robin Wright, please save us from this mess.
6. Quentin Tarantino
File this one under “shoulda seen it coming.” While allegations against Tarantino have not been of the sexual misconduct nature, they certainly fall in line with a powerful man abusing his position and personally inflicting or putting women in harm’s way. Uma Thurman spoke to the NY Times about the abuse she endured on the set of Kill Bill, including Tarantino spitting in her face and choking her with a chain to coax a more convincing acting performance, and purposefully endangering her by insisting she perform a stunt in a dangerous car that led to her crashing and permanently damaging her neck and knees. If karma serves him right, I have a feeling a bunch of women are about to metaphorically go all Kill Bill on his ass.
7. Ed Westwick
One word. Eight letters. Say it and you’re officially done. Predator. It really cuts deep when the subject of most of your teenage sexual fantasies turns out to be yet another link in the chain. Remember when Chuck Bass forced himself on Jenny Humphrey? Well you know what they say about art imitating life. You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Betch.
8. Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Alright so, Arie hasn’t actually done anything terrible (yet) so don’t freak out and condemn him. I’m just saying we should cancel him because like…have you been paying attention to this season of The Bachelor? He’s honestly pretty creepy and gross when he “flirts” while trying to kiss each and every girl’s entire face in one gulp, so I’m not counting him out on the “Time might be Up” list just yet. Don’t @ me. Just accept that he’s not Peter a slimy dude who broke up with his long term girlfriend to be the elderly Bachelor and join in my judgment if you know what’s good for you.
9. A Shit-ton Of Directors And Producers
One Tree Hill? Run by a sexual harasser. Creator of Mad Men? Misconduct allegations. Roman Polanski, James Toback, Brett Ratner, even the head of Disney Animation? You guessed it. IDK what it is about men who already get to boss people around as a job needing a little extra fix, but I can safely say I’m never setting foot near a film set because those things are clearly booby traps full of douchebags waiting to assault you at every turn. No thanks. You can go shave your back now.
10. Donald Trump
While he hasn’t been officially cancelled yet, what is the hold up, people?! The fact that the President of the United States has been accused of sexual assault by 19 different women, and reportedly paid off a porn star after he had an affair with her right after his wife gave birth. This should matter. Why does nothing matter?! Never did I think I would root so hard for evidence that our government colluded with Russia, but I’m afraid that might be our only hope. When the day comes that the country starts paying attention to removing predators from positions of political power, I’ll have a Pussy Hat and a Time’s Up pin waiting with your name on it.
2017 was a shit storm. Actually, that’s an understatement, but I’m too emotionally drained from talking about how shitty this year was to accurately describe it. Obviously, we’re all going to try to make 2018 way better. Realistically, we’re probably going to be dragging the majority of our terrible baggage into the new year. So instead of setting unattainable goals, like drinking less and exercising more, let’s be honest and work towards something we can actually do. Ditching 2017’s most annoying slang terms is a really great start towards creating a less shitty new year. Here are 10 words you need to not use in 2018. You have like, over a month to quit, so no excuses.
This word was pretty much over the second it began. It is by far the most annoying slang term of 2017. (In a survey conducted by me, where I only asked myself.) This also goes for variations on shook, i.e. “shooketh”.
Lit is pretty much only acceptable when it’s being used to describe something sarcastically. Like, saying that your dentist appointment was lit is kind of funny. But that’s about as funny as it gets, and it’s not even enough for a forced “lol dead.” Just stop saying it.
I don’t care if Chris Pratt is standing in front of you with a baby Australian Shepherd puppy. You should never call anyone Daddy. It’s creepy as shit.
We get it. We all wear leggings and drink the same hot beverages in the morning. We like brunch. Get over it.
Have you noticed that extra and basic kind of go hand in hand? They’re supposed to be opposites but people are morons and tend to misuse them interchangeably, so they’re both cancelled. Like, no, your eyelash extensions cannot be “SOO extra” and “basic AF” at the same time.
Sorry, you’re going to have to find another term to describe leaving someone on read. Savage gets used way too frequently in boring contexts, so it’s not even really effective anymore.
7. Sorry Not Sorry
Sorry Demi, but I think Facebook moms say this now. It’s been over.
By all means, be ambitious, but please stop commenting “goals” with the heart eye emoji on all of Chrissy Teigen’s Instagrams.
Enough with saying attractive people are looking like snacks. It just makes me want an actual snack.
Low-key has high-key become a place holder to fill up sentences that feel kind of empty or to attempt to sound less bitchy. Just stop.