The Best Shows And Movies Coming To Netflix In September

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The first of the month is a tricky time, because on the one hand, I’m getting paid, but on the other, my rent is due. Luckily, my rent check doesn’t manage to find its way to my landlord until around 9am, which is four hours after my direct deposit hits, so I’m rich for approximately four hours. It’s the little things. Anyway, let’s be real, we all love the start of a new month because it means new Netflix content, and by content, I mean the ninth season of Shameless and about 100 other shows/movies. An updated Netflix homepage is always exciting, but it’s especially so in September, because it will give you something to do when your friends ask if you want to go apple picking and you realize you’d actually rather rip your eyelashes out one by one. Seriously, if Instagram didn’t exist, would anyone over the age of seven go apple picking?? I digress.

Because Netflix is adding more content to their platform than my sister-in-law to her Instagram story during her bachelorette weekend, I’m going to save you some time and let y’all know which shows/movies are actually worth watching. Full disclosure, after admitting that I thought Tower Heist was a quality film back in the day, I’ve since been accused of having bad taste, so take this list with a grain of salt. Here we go!

‘American Psycho’

Honestly, I blame my test in men on this movie. Like, why couldn’t Patrick Bateman be ugly? If you haven’t seen this movie, now is your moment, because it’s early 2000s amazing. To sum it up, American Psycho is a documentary about mental health. Jokes! It’s a thriller that, tbh, is pretty funny because it’s basically Bruce Wayne’s life if he didn’t become Batman. Does that makes sense? All in all, this is a great movie for any occasion and if any of your friends protest, they should not be a part of your life. That’s all I have to say. 

‘The Walking Dead: Season 9’

Look, zombies just aren’t my thing. Sorry if that offends anyone. Obviously this show is good, though, since it has almost as many seasons as Friends! If this also doesn’t sound like your jam, maybe this helpful description from IMDB can change your mind: The Walking Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after a zombie apocalypse. It follows a group of survivors, led by former police officer Rick Grimes, who travel in search of a safe and secure home. Well? Are you sold?


I mean, is there a movie better than Superbad? Anyone? Bueller? What I love most about it, aside from the period pants scene, is the fact that none of the stars were that famous when it was made. Like, Bill Hader had played very minor parts in a bunch of sh*t I’ve never heard of, Jonah Hill’s only claim to fame (kind of) was the teen version of Adam Sandler’s creepy son in Clickand two roles before her stint on Superbad, Emma Stone guest starred in an episode of The Suite Life of Zack & f*cking Cody. My mind is truly blown. Anyway, the fact that this movie is so amazing even though it stars Michael “Whiney Boy” Cera essentially playing himself is a tribute to quality films everywhere. If the whole McLovin storyline was taken out, this movie would be like a more realistic version of Project X. My point is that Superbad is a great example of a perfect movie. Watch it.

‘Shameless: Season 9′

Emmy Rossum in Shameless is legit my spirit animal. She’s obv the definition of a hot mess, but I love her for it. Remember that time she left her cocaine out and her toddler brother subsequently had a bad trip and she ended up in jail for approximately one week? Same. This show is very complicated and has as many layers as it does members of the Gallagher family, so explaining what it’s about is kind of hard, but I’ll try. There are six kids and one deadbeat dad, Frank Gallagher, living the good life in the South Side. You know how when you rewatch Game of Thrones, you temporarily lose your mind when you realize that Arya, Bran, and Joffrey (ew, bye) were all legit children when the show started? Shameless is like that. And that is the only thing that Game of Thrones and Shameless have in common! It’s a great show because it’s funny and dramatic, so if you want to laugh and cry a the same thing, Shameless is for you. 

‘Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.’ 

There is only one person who can get away with a title like this, and her name is Chelsea Handler. There isn’t much info on this, so I will say what Wikipedia, my most quoted source in college essays, said about it: “Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea is an upcoming 2019 documentary directed by Alex Stapleton and starring Chelsea Handler. The premise revolves around examining the concept of ‘White privilege,’ the societal privilege that benefits white people over non-white people.” A little racy for the times in which we live? Seems that way, but knowing my girl Chelsea, she’s going to make it funny. 

‘Surviving R. Kelly: Season 1’

Like “Trapped in the Closet”, the R. Kelly documentary has a few parts. The similarities end there, aside from their involvement with R. Kelly. The documentary is a very vivid detailing of the sexual abuse allegations against the rapper/singer/alleged sex cult leader, so watch at your own risk. It’s obviously a very timely documentary considering the #MeToo movement is still very relevant, and it got amazing reviews. This is a must-watch.

‘American Horror Story: Apocalypse’

Truth be told, I cannot handle anything even remotely scary. Don’t believe me? I couldn’t make it through Pirates of the Caribbean three years ago when I was 23. So you can imagine just how many times I sh*t myself when a friend forced me to watch the Asylum season of this show over Memorial Day weekend. It was f*cking terrifying, and I can’t picture just how gut-wrenching the other seasons are. I refuse to watch them, but here’s what I know about Apocalypse: It revolves around some sort of nuclear explosion and is a crossover between seasons one and three of this godforsaken show. I started to read the Wikipedia episode summaries, but got too freaked out after the third one, so all I can tell you is that the apocalypse happens and the prettiest members of society are chosen to be saved…for now. K. 

‘My Sister’s Keeper’

If you want to cry and never stop, watch this movie. It’s based on the Jodi Picoult book about a teenage girl, Kate, with a fatal cancer diagnosis. Not to worry, her parents try to save her by designing their third child, Anna, to be medically compatible with her dying sister so that doctors can take her blood, bone marrow, organs, happiness and give them to Kate. Just fun sister things! As you can imagine, this movie is sad af and Cameron Diaz deserves an award for it. I haven’t seen it since it came out 10 years ago (f*ck, I feel old), but the two things I remember about it are the fact that the movie ending is the complete opposite of the book ending, and that Kate had a v promising future as a professional scrapbooker. Did I just ruin the whole movie? My b. 

‘Eat, Pray, Love’

I’m just going to say it: this was no one’s favorite movie, because we expect Pretty Woman energy from Julia Roberts at all times. She’s kind of whiney in this “watch me find myself while I blow all my money on exotic journeys” story. It’s the kind of movie you’d watch if you’ve already seen all you’ve wanted to see on Netflix, but it’s only 9pm and you need to watch something. I respect her food choices and the blond hair, but that’s about it.

‘The Great British Baking Show’

I better speak for all of us when I say HELL F*CKING YEA, FINALLY! If you are not watching The Great British Baking Show, I literally don’t know what you are doing with your life. Here’s how I describe this show to literally everyone: it’s the opposite of every American cooking competition show. Everyone is nice to each other, there is no sabotage (in fact, the contestants know ahead of time what the challenges will be so they can practice at home), and the format of every episode is exactly the same. It’s incredibly wholesome content, and a 10/10. Starting August 30, new episodes will drop on Netflix every Friday.

To end on a sad note, there are a few gems leaving Netflix this September. Batman Begins will bid us adieu, which I guess is okay since we get another prime Christian Bale movie?  The best disney cartoon, Hercules, will also be peacing out in September and I am genuinely bummed about it. After just a few months, Magic Mike will be body rolling off Netflix and hopefully onto Amazon Prime or Hulu because I am not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Music & Lyrics, Mulan, the opposite of Titanic AKA Revolutionary Road, and The Hangover are also leaving Netflix to go apple-picking this September. It’s been real, but I’m very much down for the new shows/movies to stream!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (6)

Cameron Diaz Is Out Of Retirement That Nobody Knew She Was In

If you grew up  in the ’90s and 2000s, there’s a good chance that you loved Cameron Diaz. Whether you were big into rom-coms, or you preferred other movies for some reason, she really did it all. After her breakout role in 1997’s My Best Friend’s Wedding, Cameron Diaz spent more than a decade as one of the top-earning stars in Hollywood. I mean, it doesn’t get more iconic than the Shrek movies. But whether or not you’ve noticed, it’s been years since Cameron Diaz last made a movie.

A quick look at Cameron’s filmography shows that, up until 2014, she was booked and busy. She was making multiple movies a year, and she built up a net worth of over $100 million through her acting work and endorsement deals. But five years ago, after playing Miss Hannigan in the remake of Annie, Cameron Diaz completely fell off the map, with pretty much no explanation. In fact, it wasn’t until 2018 that we actually got any confirmation of her decision to leave acting behind.

Cameron seemed content to just disappear without a trace, but that didn’t mean her famous friends weren’t being asked about her. Last March, Selma Blair was asked in an interview if she would ever do a sequel to her 2002 movie The Sweetest Thing, which also starred Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate. In response, she said that she “would have liked to do a sequel, but Cameron’s retired from acting, she’s like, ‘I’m done.'”

Wait…what? It’s one thing for Cameron Diaz to take a break from making movies for a few years, but…retired? Soon after, Diaz did an interview with Selma Blair and Christina Applegate about The Sweetest Thing, and she confirmed her retirement. When Applegate made a joke about being “semi-retired” and not working in years, Cameron responded that she is “actually retired.” Luckily, Christina Applegate is working again (god bless Dead To Me), but Cameron Diaz is staying retired for now.

Since her retirement in 2014, turned her attention to more low-key projects, like publishing her second book, about the science behind aging. She also married Benji Madden in 2015, which makes her and Nicole Richie sisters-in-law. Yeah, I’m gonna need an invite to that Thanksgiving ASAP. But Cameron’s interviews and appearances since 2014 have been few and far between, so it was a big moment when she reunited with her My Best Friend’s Wedding costars earlier this year.

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So fun to spend the day with some of my Best Friends ???

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While those photos were fun, and incredibly nostalgic, we still didn’t get to hear much from Cameron about where she’s at in life. Luckily, she recently sat down with InStyle‘s Laura Brown to talk about what she’s been up to, and if she’s ever coming back to the big screen.

On the reasoning behind her decision to step away from the spotlight, she got real about the toll that being famous for so long takes. “The way I look at it is that I’ve given more than half of my life to the public,” she said. “I feel it’s OK for me to take time for myself now to reorganize and choose how I want to come into the world. If I decide to.” Based on that, Cameron isn’t 100% ruling out a return to acting at some point, but it doesn’t sound like something that’s happening any time soon.

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“I started [experiencing fame] when I was 22, so 25 years ago—that’s a long time. The way I look at it is that I’ve given more than half of my life to the public. I feel it’s OK for me to take time for myself now to reorganize and choose how I want to come [back] into the world. If I decide to,” @CameronDiaz says in our September issue. “You know, I think the 40s are the best decade. You just get to be real with yourself, and you can also make necessary changes because you have the experience of looking back on four decades. You get to let go of giving a shit about anything. It’s such a relief.” More on returning to the spotlight on her own terms at the link in bio. #InStyle25 | Photographed by @camillaarmbrust; Styled by @rebeccarams

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Throughout the interview, she makes it clear that she’s happy to be out of the endless grind that comes with being a celebrity. “It’s fun to just not have anybody know what I’m up to. Because my time is all mine. I’m not selling any films, and because I’m not selling anything, I don’t have to give anybody anything. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m living my life.”

In her interview with InStyle, Cameron did tease some upcoming projects, though she said it’s “little too early to talk about them.” She did say that she loves Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop and Nicole Richie’s House of Harlow, so it wouldn’t be surprising if Cameron branches more into the health and wellness space that she’s already explored with her books.

While I’m sad that Cameron Diaz won’t be participating in a sequel to The Holiday (her best movie, don’t @ me) in the near future, I’m glad that she’s living her best life now. Some people want to be famous for their whole lives, but it’s definitely not for everyone.

Images: Shutterstock; juliaroberts, instylemagazine / Instagram

Celebrity Couples You Didn’t Know Were Set Up

I think most people would agree that dating can be a total pain in the ass. It can be lonely and tedious trying to wade through everyone out there, just trying to find one good match. But if you’re lucky, you have some ride or die friends that are always trying to help you out. Whether my friends are setting me up with someone they know or helping me evaluate my matches on Ship, I need all the help I can get.

If you’re skeptical about the idea of your friends getting involved in your dating life, I get it. But maybe it’s a good idea to let them help you. Lots of your favorite celebrity couples have been set up through friends, and you might not even realize it. Here are some of our favorite examples:

Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra

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To live for days like this. ❤️ @nickjonas #boatlife

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When Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra first went public with their relationship last year, it seemed super random. Little did we know, there’s one surprising person at the center of their relationship: The Rock. Yes, like Dwayne Johnson. In 2017, Priyanka worked with The Rock on the Baywatch remake, and then Nick worked with him the next year in Jumanji.I’m not sure how much The Rock really played matchmaker here, but he did say that he’ll take credit “if they’re happy.”

Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner

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My Valentine gets a surprise birthday party because she’s the fucking best. ?

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Nick isn’t the only Jonas Brother who got a little romantic help from a friend. In 2016, Joe’s band DNCE did a song with Hailee Steinfeld, who is friends with Sophie Turner. Hailee revealed that Sophie texted her asking about Joe, and she gave her his number and the green light to go for it. Now Sophie is chugging drinks at sporting events and generally seems very happy, so her bold text definitely paid off.

Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris

This relationship wasn’t meant to be, but it was fun while it lasted. Back in 2015, Taylor and Calvin were first introduced by mutual friend (and fellow famous singer) Ellie Goulding. Ellie said that they’re both “really awesome and really tall,” so she thought they would make a great couple. And they did…for a while.

Cameron Diaz & Benji Madden

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Happy Birthday Baby❤️ There’s so much to write, so many things that make me so proud of you and how special you are?Thank you for being the best friend and partner to me and taking this journey of Marriage. The way you live your life everyday, and your compassion for the world shines thru in your eyes and you inspire me to want to be the best man I can be in this lifetime. You’re the realest. I’m so grateful to be yours Always&Forever, and to call you my One&Only. True Love ❤️

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Cameron Diaz has been married to Benji Madden since 2015, and Nicole Richie happily takes credit for it. Nicole is married to Benji’s brother Joel, and she says that she’s “a devoted sister-in-law.” Someone please tell me how I can get into this family, because I really want to go to Thanksgiving with Nicole and Cameron.

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt

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Honored to be on the arm of this double nominee tonight! #SAGawards

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Truly, I think these two are one of the cutest couples in Hollywood. They also work well together, considering I’ve had to sleep with a white noise machine ever since I saw A Quiet Place. Turns out, they were set up on a blind date in 2008 by none other than Anne Hathaway. John said he wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time, but it was love at first sight when he met Emily.

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux

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Jennifer Aniston is one of the most famous and beautiful people in the world, but even pretty people can appreciate some help from a friend. Surprisingly, she was introduced to her ex Justin Theroux by Robert Downey Jr. This seems like, very random, but I guess it’s proof that love can happen in literally any way.

Meghan Markle & Prince Harry

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Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Sussex is expecting a baby in the Spring of 2019. Their Royal Highnesses have appreciated all of the support they have received from people around the world since their wedding in May and are delighted to be able to share this happy news with the public. ?PA

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This is the setup that made women all over the world question the dedication and loyalty of their friends. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex were set up by a mystery mutual friend, and Meghan insists she didn’t really know anything about Harry before meeting him. She’s always said the only thing she asked was “Is he nice?,” which is what my mom asks me when she brings up a guy I went on one date with six months ago.

So you might not have A-list movie star friends to set you up on dates with other A-list movie stars, but that’s not really the point. Dating isn’t always fun, and having your friends in the picture can make it a little more enjoyable, and improve your results. Rather than wasting your time (and mental energy) alone on the apps, let your friends in your Ship crew do the heavy lifting for you. Maybe you’ll meet your Prince Harry (if you do, please tell him to slide in my DMs), or at least someone decent who won’t ignore your texts.

Images: Shutterstock; @priyankachopra, @joejonas, @calvinharris, @benjaminmadden, @johnkrasinski, @justintheroux, @kensingtonroyal / Instagram

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‘Green Book’ Director Peter Farrelly Has A Gross Past You Need To Know About

Last night was, as Tina Fey so aptly put it, the “1 millionth Academy Awards.” And before I dive into all the things I hate about Peter Farrelly, I want to reflect on the actual show. Before watching, I’d been planning on writing a piece on how little people cared about the Oscars this year. From the host drama to the onslaught of white male nominees, the Oscars have been more exhausting than exciting, and I was ready to declare the whole thing cancelled. Honestly, though, I had fewer complaints about last night’s show than I expected. Yeah, it was still boring—but this year, at least it seemed like they were trying to appeal to people below the age of 85. And it didn’t hurt that it was peppered with wins I actually agreed with (Ruth Carter! Olivia Colman!), plus a Gaga-Cooper thirst fest for the ages.

i think i finally understand heterosexuality

— E. Alex Jung (@e_alexjung) February 25, 2019

By the end of the night, though, my one complaint about the evening was crystal clear. Peter Farrelly, director of Green Book, standing on that mother*cking stage with a Best Picture award yelling about “the truth about who we are.” Well, since he’s so passionate on that point—I’d like to share with you the truth about who he is, in all his d*ck-flashing, sexist glory. (Sorry gang, I know it’s early on a Monday to be reading about d*ck-flashing. Here’s another Gaga meme to make up for it.)

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Makeup wipes save lives. #oscars

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Let’s start simple: with Peter Farrelly’s IMDb. Before winning Best Picture last night, Farrelly directed fine feature films like Dumb and Dumber, Dumb and Dumber To, There’s Something About Mary, Fever Pitch, Hall Pass, The Heartbreak Kid, and Shallow Hal. I list all these movies to show you that I’m not just cherry-picking bad examples from an otherwise illustrious career: as far as I can tell, Green Book is among Farrelly’s very first forays outside of the “gross dude humor” genre. To illustrate my point: the movie you’re most likely to have seen from this list is There’s Something About Mary, and you probably remember it as “that movie where Cameron Diaz puts jizz in her hair.”

Now, it’s not just that I take issue with gross dude humor generally—I’m sure there’s a time and place for it. (Somewhere! Just far away from me.) But Green Book tells a true story, which means there are people who can (and did) object to how they are represented. The story, for those of you who don’t know, is that of a white man driving a black musician through the American South in the ‘60s. (I’m paraphrasing obviously, but TL;DR, racism ensues.) And you would kind of hope that the director telling this story would have demonstrated things like sensitivity, empathy, or real human curiosity with his body of work. Instead, we have the director responsible for Shallow Hal. (Not totally unrelated side note: In 2018, Amy Schumer was criticized for her movie I Feel Pretty—because people said it was too much like Shallow Hal. But sure, let’s give that director an Oscar.)

Moving on to the really fun stuff, by which I of course mean accusations of sexual harassment. A few months back, The Cut uncovered articles from 1998 detailing Farrelly’s penchant for tricking people into looking at his penis on set. Newsweek describes the brothers’ teamwork here (yes, sadly there are two of them, and they used to harass people together!):

Bobby, 40, is the straight man, all innocence as he lays the trap. Then Peter—lankier, edgier and a year older—delivers the coup de grace. You may think you’re going to be examining a mysterious blotch on Peter’s torso, or checking out his new watchband. The reality is a good deal more shocking.

Ha! Ha! How FUNNY! To think you’re leaning in to see a new watchband (a request I would already refuse!) and then to have a PENIS thrust in your face. Truly, you can see the comedic genius that brought Shallow Hal to life in the way this man lives his life—every moment is a canvas, waiting to be painted with a d*ck joke at a woman’s expense.

Should you be eager to say this was a one-time thing, please know that Farrelly estimated to the Observer that he’s done this “easily 500 times,” and, in a more reflective moment, volunteered the following quote: “I don’t like it when they laugh at my penis…But I do like it when they stare.” 2019: Another day, another man with a pathological need to have his d*ck be viewed by human eyes.

Let me be clear: I have not seen Green Book, and I don’t intend to. Frankly, the film had enough going against it even without Farrelly’s stellar reputation: the (white) lead actor used the N-word after a screening, the writer had Islamophobic tweets uncovered (even though one of the lead actors and Best Supporting Actor winner for this film, Mahershala Ali, is Muslim!!!), and relatives of the film’s subject have openly objected to the film’s depiction of events. It’s really just a fun little cherry on top that the director used to Louis CK actresses during the casting process. (And yes, Louis CK is a verb now.) While Farrelly has since apologized, it’s just such a shame that, after a relatively progressive night, the Oscars had to revert to doing what they do best: rewarding those who do the most to hold the industry back.

Images: Twitter; Instagram; Giphy (2)

An Honest Recap Of ‘The Holiday’

What up grinches! We’re right in the middle of the holiday season, and I’m back with another classic Christmas movie recap. You guys loved my recap of The Princess Switch, and for that I will be forever grateful. So I’m here to hopefully not f*ck up a good roll I have going, by going after a fan favorite Christmas rom-com. This time, I’m going to be skewering The Holiday, the classic movie with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, and Jack Black. I saw this movie when it came out in theaters, back in 2006, but I literally do not remember a single thing that happened. I DO remember not being particularly impressed with it back then, so how this mediocre film has made it into the canon of holiday classics is beyond me.

But in any case, settle in, because I’m currently getting ghosted by a guy I already hooked up with, so I am FIRED UP and I am NOT HERE for your fake true love bullsh*t. I’ve been told I’m funnier when I’m angry, so you guys should be in for a treat.

The movie opens with Jack Black scoring a romantic comedy. It wouldn’t be a Christmas rom-com if we weren’t also watching a rom-com within the rom-com. A voiceover from Kate Winslet says, “I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true.” And like, that’s a blanket statement if I’ve ever heard one. Everything EVER written? What about just one paragraph above that where I say true love is bullsh*t? Lawyered.

Jack Black kisses the hand of a woman who is far too hot for him, and waves goodbye to her as she bolts out the door. This will be important later.

So Kate Winslet here is establishing herself as an expert in unrequited love (lol bitch you’re gonna have to kill me for that title), and like, maybe you wouldn’t be unrequited in love affairs if you had shared the f*cking door with Jack Dawson!! Just saying! Kate Winslet is telling anyone who will listen that she’s been in love with this curly mop-headed dude for three years, and it’s not immediately clear what she sees in him. Mop Head and Kate were banging, but then she found out he was banging someone else, as men tend to do.

I mean, Kate (her character’s name is Iris; I will call her what I want) keeps saying Mop Head cheated on her, but from the 30 seconds of dialogue so far, I’ve already gathered that they were just f*ck buddies and definitely weren’t exclusive. You were “shagging” and he said “I love you” three times over the course of three years? Girl, you a side hoe.

Ugh, ok so Iris goes to finish her work in the middle of the holiday party and Mop Head comes into her office to bother her. Homegirl is quoting his own column back to him. This is pathetic! That’s like reciting his own social media posts to him—you just don’t do it. AND she gives him a Christmas gift! Meanwhile he’s like “Yeah, I got you a gift too. It’s deez nuts!!”

This pathetic bitch probably spent a ton of money on the most thoughtful gift in the universe, whereas this dude’s idea of a gift is most likely “letting her” go down on him while he watches the game.

Lol so Mop Head’s name is Jasper, which pleases me because it might as well be the human iteration of the term Mop Head. The head of this newspaper or whatever announces in the middle of the company party, to Iris personally (weird flex but ok) that Mop Head is engaged. Not to Iris, if that wasn’t clear. To someone else.

Ok so that’s it for Iris’s sob story of a life. For now.

Over… elsewhere, Cameron Diaz and some actor I can’t place but I know he was a douche in some other movie, are getting in a fight because he definitely banged his receptionist.

Douche: I didn’t sleep with her!
Cameron Diaz: Swear on my life I didn’t sleep with her

You Got Me There

Cameron kicks him tf out of the house. You go girl! Meanwhile the guy is like, gaslighting the sh*t out of her and claiming this breakup is her fault somehow? Wow, this movie was ahead of its time in the “men are trash” department.

And ok now we’re introduced to the theme that Cameron Diaz “can’t cry”. You’d think this would inspire some therapy, but instead all she does is tell every person she meets about this inability to produce tears, like it’s some kind of fun quirk.

Then she punches The Douche, and like, I feel like I shouldn’t be rooting for someone who could have just copped an assault charge but I semi am. Amanda says she need a vacation (same girl) and while looking for a vacation rental, she starts attempting to cry?? This is the weirdest scene ever. 

Literal footage:

Cameron Diaz

She books a cottage in some random town in England, because you can’t stay in a remote home in the U.S.? Spoiler, I think this is Iris’ house? Somebody call Paige Davis; we’re about to trade spaces.

Umm, wait a sec, did Iris just light her gas burner and start inhaling it?? And then change her mind and throw open a window?? Holy f*ck, this movie is dark.

So is “home exchange” a real thing? You just let a complete stranger borrow your house, car, everything? I can think of a billion things that could go wrong with this right off the bat. There’s not even a background check process?? Not to mention, how is Cameron Diaz affording a damn mansion in LA? I’ve already found a huge plot hole. So Iris and Amanda (Cameron Diaz’s character) are gonna play Wife Swap with their lives for two weeks. That’s the premise. It has taken us, what, an hour (?) to arrive at the premise.

While Iris is on the plane (umm, shouldn’t your phone be in airplane mode? This is 2006; you couldn’t even use your iPod during a flight back then) is sending the most pathetic text to Jasper. “We both know I need to fall out of love with you.” GIRL! Get your head out of the river of self-pity you’re drowning in. Here’s how this exchange should have gone.

Mop Head: How do I contact you while you’re in LA?
Iris: You don’t.

End scene. Like, what, did they not have the block feature back in 2006?

Amanda has also arrived in England after an unnecessary scene showing her struggling to bring her luggage up to the house. Just women things, I guess! Ok but Amanda walking through the grocery store while drinking wine straight out of the bottle is a big f*cking mood. But when I do that, I’m escorted from the premises immediately??

Then she gets drunk at home and starts interpretive dancing to “Mr. Brightside.” Weird, I did the same thing on Friday. Then she has a staring contest with the dog, which seems like a waste of two minutes of my life. I really wonder why this scene made it into the movie? What did it add? What purpose did it serve?? The questions I ask with my $50,000 creative writing degree. Thanks, dad!

Jack Black and the woman who’s too hot to associate with him drive through to Cameron Diaz’s house that Iris is now living in. He’s surprised when Iris answers the door. I mean, yeah, maybe they both should have communicated that they would be switching houses with a stranger?? A little foresight could have avoided a lot of confusion. The wind blows some sh*t into Iris’ eye. But this isn’t just any wind, this is crazy magical wind that can make anything happen. ~*foreshadowing*~ I’m gonna say right now, this cRaZy WiNd aspect was also 100% not needed.

Jude Law shows up to Iris’s cottage in the middle of the night… to use the bathroom? Is this dude homeless? If so, I gotta start hanging out at the local homeless shelter. JK, he’s Amanda’s hot brother. Amanda gives Jude Law a blanket and goes on for 10 minutes about how alone she is, and says goodnight and he kisses her… out of the blue?? Like, huh?? When I ramble about being alone to a guy, all I get is the check. Here we go again, Hollywood setting unrealistic expectations.

This dumbass Amanda stops making out to be like “I think we should have sex.” But if you hadn’t said anything you would have probably done that… nvm. Then he’s like “Ok I’m down” and she stops AGAIN to be like “oh btw I’m bad at sex.” Really selling yourself!

Jude Law: How do you feel about foreplay?
Amanda: I think it’s overrated.

And that’s why you’re bad at sex. Let me guess! You also “only have guy friends” because “girls are too much drama” and also you “are actually really into sports”?

L-O-freakin-L the next morning Jude Law is like “So I know you’re only in town for two weeks and legit don’t live here and are leaving later today but my love life is complicated and I’m not looking for anything serious rn.” Ohhhhh myyyy god. Where have I heard this before? Oh, that’s right, EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

Me: *accidentally makes eye contact with an ugly guy*
Guy: hey I’m really sorry but I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment.

Jude Law calls Amanda “the most interesting girl he’s ever met” because she’s “not sure if she can even fall in love.” Color me f*cking shocked that a man is claiming to find emotional unavailability “interesting”. You don’t think it’s interesting, you just think it’s easier for you. Also, in my experience, acting this way is only a successful dating strategy if you also happen to be conventionally hot. If you don’t, acting like you’re too good for feelings just ends in “f*ck you bitch, hahah you thought I liked you? Lmfaooo that’s so funny.” Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything though!!

Then Jude Law asks for her number and invites her to dinner. This is why men can’t be trusted! They legit go from “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” to “hey wanna come to dinner and meet my friends and BY THE WAY YOU ARE LOVELY.”

Internally Screaming

Back in LA we’re treated to a scene of Kate Winslet dancing in bed, as literally all of us do when we first wake up in the morning. Yeah… that’s exactly what I do, not contemplate my existence and whether I should quit my job.

Mop Head then calls Iris to tell her he’s having problems with his fiancée, which none of us could have seen coming, and basically be trash in general. What can I say, trash gonna trash.

Jasper literally remembers that Iris owns a red bikini and Iris takes this as like, a sign that they’re meant to be together. Are you kidding? That’s like being like “oh he remembers I have a black thong, he pays so much attention to me!” Spare me. At the very least, this Iris character is making me feel a hell of a lot better about my love life and petty choices.

I guess Amanda changed her mind because she shows up to the bar Jude Law is at.

Back in LA, Iris sees an old man walking down the street, minding his own damn business, and she stops the car to bother him and offer him a ride home. And she also already knows where he lives?? If I randomly pulled up on an old man in New York like this, I would be getting a swift cane to the face. LA is weird.

Honestly Iris has more chemistry with this old-ass man than she’s had with any other dude in this movie so far. He then explains the concept of a meet-cute to her, which seems hard to believe given how f*cking pathetic this woman is. She’s really never heard of a meet-cute before? She seems like the type of keep a list of potential meet-cutes in her diary. “Today I went to the store to buy milk, and the cashier just so happened to be this cute guy who winked at me! Or maybe he had something in his eye. Maybe we’ll tell our kids that one day…” This depressing hoe.

Iris then asks the old guy to dinner. I’m so shipping them. The old guy is like “lol I haven’t been busy since 1978” which is a big mood.

Ugh the old guy is like “What is a beautiful girl like you doing spending the holidays alone?” If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I could… buy myself enough plastic surgery so that I’d be so hot I’d never be single again. Please donate to my GoFundMe!

Jude Law spent the night at Cameron Diaz’s because they got plastered, and she’s like, beside herself that they didn’t f*ck. I mean, I get it. I’d be pissed too if I cock-blocked myself.

This line has aged really well from the movie: “Call me old-fashioned, but one does not have sex with women who are unconscious.” Wait so…. Hollywood did understand the concept of consent back in 2006?? Hmm.

Jude Law: We should go  out to town and get lunch and get to know each other
Cameron Diaz: Um… why?

Can relate. 

This is the lamest lunch date ever. No wonder Cameron Diaz never has sex! I’ve had job interviews that are more exciting than this. We do learn that Cameron Diaz hasn’t cried since she found out her parents were getting divorced when she was 15. Girl. Save that sh*t for therapy, no guy wants to hear that on the first date.

At this point I am halfway through this godforsaken movie and want to stick my head over a gas burner. Has nobody who worked on this film heard of editing??

Cameron Diaz acting like her relationship with Jude Law is “complicated” after knowing him for a few days is laughable at best. I will legit date guys in my own city for MONTHS and a relationship will never be on the horizon, and she thinks they’re on the verge of entering into an LDR after knowing each other for a week? Ok. Sure.

Back in LA, Jack Black comes over where Iris is having a Chanukah party with the old guy and all his old friends. Looks fun af. When I get together with my old Jewish relatives, all I get is guilted. I’d rather go to this Chanukah party.

Jack Black says he’s a “one woman at a time” kind of guy and Kate Winslet practically cums her pants on the spot. Is that all it takes?? A vague inclination towards monogamy?? LOL and then he kisses Iris two times on the cheek when he’s leaving, which like, isn’t cheating but is also not super appropriate given that Jack Black clearly has a crush on Kate Winslet. Oh, but I thought you were a “one woman at a time” kind of guy, right? Sure, though, go ahead and kiss your “new female friend” on the cheek a couple of times. Not at all suspect.

Cameron Diaz shows up to Jude Law’s house to profess her love in this ridiculous speech. We learn he has a DAUGHTER!! Scratch that, make that TWO DAUGHTERS!! This scene with Jude Law’s daughters is pretty boring and could have been CUT. That’s all I’m saying. He puts a napkin over his face and covers it with his glasses—this is not ground-breaking cinema here.

The Holiday

The only important part of this is his daughters’ flagrant attachment issues. They’re inviting a woman they just met once to have sleepovers and basically be their mom. These kids should be in therapy. Is their actual mom even cold in the ground yet before they start trying to replace her??

Ugh now Cameron and Jude are playing the game of “no I thought I was meaningless to you, but clearly I’ve been in love with you!” “No, I thought I was meaningless to you!” Basically they both were hiding their feelings because they thought the other person didn’t give a sh*t. Tbh I’m jealous because when I play this game it only ends in “yea you’re right I mean I’d probably be bummed if you died or whatever. but that’s about it.”

Iris does a “I just got f*cked” lap around LA, except her dry spell is so severe that she actually only got kissed on the cheek. She’s running around with a huge smile on her face and saying hi to everyone. She’s still blaming the winds for this? Yeah I guess it makes sense… “lol the wind just blew Jack Black’s mouth onto my cheek multiple times, crazy how that works!”

Here’s another subplot, because we don’t have enough of these already: the Screenwriters Guild wants to make a tribute night to this Arthur guy. He doesn’t want to do it because he doesn’t want to walk out in front of his peers in a walker. Now he and Iris are doing water aerobics to get him in shape enough for this premiere. Sure, Iris is a licensed physical therapist.

Wow, Jack Black and Iris meet at a video store. Damn, this movie is old af.

Would it really be a Jack Black movie if he didn’t decide to randomly scat a song with no real reason? No. So at this video store he’s scatting classic movie themes. I guess I admire the dedication to his personal brand.

Lol as Jack Black is singing The Graduate theme, we pan to Dustin Hoffman, who shakes his head. Ok, I’m starting to see why people love this movie.

OHHH SNAP. From outside the video store, Jack Black sees his actress girlfriend who’s clearly on a date with another guy. Jack Black says “ugh I always do this, I always fall for bad girls.” You mean cheaters? “Bad girls” is not a phrase unless we’re talking about Bad Girls Club. 

Cool so now we’re having a montage where Iris and Jack Black help Arthur get ready for his dinner. At the same time, Amanda is crying over Jude Law and walking dramatically up a hill.

BUT THEN, Jude Law walks into the cottage and they start making out everywhere!

We’re treated to yet another scene of Jack Black scatting. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?? Yes, we know Jack Black can sing and he is ~so goofy~ because he’ll just replace words with random sounds.

Jack Black

^This could literally be a scene out of any movie Jack Black is in.

Post-sex, Cameron and Jude are trying to figure out how to make a long-distance relationship work… between LA and London. Damn, how bomb was the d*ck that you’re considering making cross-continental trips?

Cameron Diaz is like “maybe we can make this work, maybe we can fly back and forth as much as we can”… like.. How about, MAYBE YOU’RE JUST OVERWHELMED BY THE RELEASE OF OXYTOCIN AND YOU’RE NOT FEELING ACTUAL EMOTIONS RN? It’s all fake!

Oh, okay, Jude Law professes that he’s in love with Cameron Diaz. Are we on The Bachelor? How do you fall in love with someone after two weeks? Cameron Diaz lets him down real gentle: “can you please not look at me like that, I’m trying to find the right thing to say.” Aka me on a date after I reveal my obsession with true crime and serial killers.

While out with Iris, Jack Black gets a call from Maggie, his ex who cheated on him. And the fact that he picks up the phone instead of hitting “block” immediately is proof men… well, y’all already know what I’m gonna say. THANK YOU, MOTHAF*CKIN NEXT.

Ugh speaking of sh*tty exes who should go crawl in a hole, Jasper calls Iris. He’s apparently sent her a surprise, and it’s…. Him! Holy sh*t, this motherf*cker really flew out to LA to f*ck up this girl’s life, just like every man does when the girl he f*cked over repeatedly finally shows signs of moving on. *Screams internally*

Iris: So wait are you still with your fiancée?
Jasper: I wish you could just accept how confused I am.

LMMMFFFAAAOOOO!!! This is literally straight out of the f*ckboy playbook. Nay, the F*ckboy 10 Commandments. 

Well FINALLY Iris grows a pair and tells Jasper off. Thank you! Then she runs off again to find Arthur, and AGAIN I SAY, this is the best and healthiest couple in this entire movie.

They walk into the tribute or whatever and Arthur is so surprised by how many people showed up to his event that he’s crying. I get it. If I get more than 8 people to come to my birthday party, I’m impressed.

Jack Black invites himself to England for New Year’s Eve to go take Iris on a date. Meanwhile, here in New York, dating someone in a different borough is considered a long distance relationship. And Jersey? Fuhgeddaboutit.

Back in England, Amanda is saying goodbye to Jude Law (I forgot his character’s name, just deal with it). Amanda’s sighing dramatically in the backseat and this cab driver is like “I did not sign up for this sh*t today, it is too damn early.” Then she starts crying, and then she’s laughing that she’s crying. It’s beautiful! It’s a Christmas miracle!

The driver is literally like “Damn they do not pay me enough to deal with these crazy bitches.”

Then she yells at him to turn around (he’s probably thinking like, “she better tip me extra for this”) and she gets out of the car and runs back to the house…. But she gets winded halfway through. That’s relatable. Even the power of true love can’t motivate me to complete a cardio workout.

She finally makes it to the house and…. Jude Law has been crying too. But also why is he still there?

Amanda: You know, I was just thinking, why would I leave before New Year’s Eve? It makes no sense at all. You didn’t ask me out but you did say you loved me so I’m thinking I’ve got a date.

If this were the real world, I would say “be careful, even written confirmation via text that you have a date is not, in fact, confirmation that you have a date” but this is a movie, so I’ll leave my cynicism elsewhere. She, Jack Black, Kate Winslet, and Jude Law spend New Year’s together with Jude Law’s daughters.

The Holiday

Everyone is dancing, everyone is happy… the end.

My cynicism aside, The Holiday was WAY less terrible than The Princess Switch, so I get why people like it. However, it was about 20-30 minutes too long. Also, what was the deal with Iris’ opening voiceover? We literally never used that device again. Why was that in there? I am left with more questions than answers at the end of this one-hour, 45-minute experience. Now if you’ll excuse me, the crazy Santa Ana winds are blowing me elsewhere. Happy holidays!

Images: Giphy (6)

Celebrities You Never Knew Attended the Same School

Most of us dread the thought of our high school days. For me, it’s awkward memories filled with braces and embarrassing stories. I have trouble remembering a large portion of my classmates, but if I had celebrity classmates, you can bet your bottom dollar I would remember them. What I gather from reading celebrity blind items is that Hollywood is a weird incestuous place where everybody knows each other. And often times, celebrities knew each other before they become famous. Like, a bunch of them even went to the same high schools. So random. Here is a list of the most famous celebrity classmates.

1. Nicky Hilton and Lady Gaga

Back when Lady Gaga was just Stephani, she and Nicky Hilton attended Convent of the Sacred Heart, an all-girls private Catholic school in NYC. Although Paris also went to the same school, Gaga didn’t see much of her since she was older. This duo just goes to show you that even though two girls started at the same school, they ended up in the public eye in very different ways.

2. Cameron Diaz and Snoop Dogg

The two attended Long Beach Polytechnic High school in California. Back in the day, Snoop was known as Calvin Broadus, but according to Diaz, he looked very similar. She has said, “He was a year older than me… I remember him, he was very tall and skinny. He wore lots of ponytails.” She is also “pretty sure” she bought weed from him. Some things never change.

3. Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman

Not only did these two successful actors go to high school together, but they have remained friends. The two attended North Sydney Girls’ High School, an all girl’s high school in Sydney’s north shore.

4. Eddie Redmayne and Prince William

The two men attended Eton, an all-boys boarding school in England. This school is considered to be rather pretentious prestigious, costing about $46,780.80 per year. Wow. But hey, the next king and an Oscar winner deserve nothing but the best, right?

5. Sean Penn, Robert Downey Jr., Rob Lowe, and Charlie Sheen

There is clearly something in the water at this high school. These four men attended Santa Monica High School in the 1980s. Although Penn and Lowe were the only two of the four to graduate, you can’t deny that this school fostered some well-known names. For those wondering, Downey Jr. dropped out and Sheen was kicked out just a few weeks prior to graduation. Neither of those facts surprise me.

6. Liv Tyler, Kate Hudson, and Zooey Deschanel

The three attended Crossroads High School in Santa Monica. As children of celebrities, Tyler and Hudson had a lot in common and became friends growing up. Deschanel and Hudson acted in the school’s production of Don Quixote. Who would have thought the two would then go on to star in Almost Famous together? (Yes, Zooey was in it, IMDB it if you don’t believe me.) Hmm. The more you know.

7. Tupac Shakur And Jada Pinkett Smith

This is maybe not that surprising since it’s commonly known that Tupac and Jada were close. Still, Tupac and Jada attended Baltimore School for the Arts in Maryland in the mid-80s and became fast friends. On the first day of school, he introduced himself to her and according to Jada, they “hit it off from that moment on.” She reminisces on their friendship, saying that he “was one of my best friends, he was like a brother.

8. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

If there is a better bromance in Hollywood, someone please let me know. Not only did the two attended Cambridge Rindge and Latin School in Massachusetts for high school, but they actually met in the third grade. The two have been inseparable over the years and it clearly works to their advantage, staring and co-producing countless blockbuster Netflix-worthy shows and movies.

9. Adele, Jessie J, Leona Lewis, and Amy Winehouse

These four women with powerhouse voices attended the BRIT School for Performing Arts and Technology in London. Jesse J and Adele were classmates, while Lewis and Winehouse were several years older. If you were to ask me about working on your singing, I’d say screw vocal lessons and attend this school. Who knows, maybe you’ll have some celebrity classmates of your own.

10. Adam Levine and Jonah Hill

We are ending this celebrity classmates list with a bang. Adam Levine and Jonah Hill not only attended junior high together but actually carpooled to school together. Hill said that “Our dads met in the principal’s office in junior high. We were in carpool, we lived at each other’s houses.” Since graduating, the two have remained close. Hill even officiated Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo’s wedding back in 2014.

Images: Giphy (3)