When it comes to men’s underwear, I kind of thought everyone agreed: it’s something you don’t pay much attention to unless there’s something wrong. And when you notice it for a good reason, it’s typically less of a “wow, that’s some breathable cotton” and more of a, “I didn’t realize how good this person looks barely clothed” thing (see: Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ad). That being said, my boyfriend approached this topic with a rabid amount of enthusiasm for someone who once held up a pair of baby-pink underwear and said “these started out navy” who’s not particularly into fashion, and he quickly affirmed that what a guy’s underwear says about him does matter. So, since he’s been in “like, a million locker rooms,” and has “seen some shit,” I’ll be peppering in his feedback below. Read on to find out what the underwear he wears to your hookup says about him.
You’re familiar with boxers; you saw them on every guy you hooked up with in high school, and now you probably sleep in them. As suggested by the previous sentence, guys regularly rocking boxer shorts are pretty immature and definitely haven’t taken the time to upgrade their wardrobe to what an adult should be wearing. After all, boxers are too loose/bulky to be worn with pants that actually fit, so this is either a guy who wears shorts year-round or still thinks oversized jeans are “a look.” Also, I’ll go ahead and assume this guy isn’t particularly athletic, since boxers offer exactly zero support; they’re useless for exercise; and they do equally little for showing off a guy’s bod. In other words, he’s either not working with anything he wants to showcase or, yet again, he has no effing idea how to dress himself. Save yourself the Oedipus complex and move on.
I refuse to spend too much time on tighty whities because you, as a reader, deserve better than that. Assuming that we’re working with old-school resembles-a-diaper tighty whities (which is the last time I heard anyone really use this term) and not just a white version of well-made briefs, everything that is true of boxers is true of tighty whities times one thousand. Long story short: any guy who wears this underwear knowing that he might have sex with you doesn’t respect you, and his mom still buys his underwear.
I don’t think I fully grasped the difference between briefs and boxer briefs before today, and damn. Briefs are… brief, as in the smallest possible amount of fabric while still covering someone’s ass and genitals. They are also skin-tight, an underwear feature my boyfriend says is chosen for one of two reasons: “tiny dick” or “big dick.” A website called “The Underwear Expert” confirms that “many are engineered to enhance the package.” Whether a guy is using briefs as the equivalent of a push-up bra, or just wishes he could tattoo WELL-ENDOWED MAN on his forehead, this guy is likely vain in all the wrong ways and least likely to care if you have an orgasm. He’s also the most likely to skip leg day, and spray cologne on his dick “for the ladies.” Obviously, if he looks as hot in them as he thinks he does, you can let this slide.
Boxer briefs are like the buttoned-up aunt of regular briefs—they’re longer (usually covering half the thigh) and a little more forgiving without any of boxers’ “flowing in the wind with a giant hole in front” nonsense. TBH, guys wearing boxer briefs raise relatively few red flags: they’re a grown-up alternative to boxers, they’re tight enough to show off a nice ass, and they’re both flattering and low-key enough to draw a nice line between “he didn’t think about his underwear choice at all” and “he thought about his underwear choice way too much.” Since these can err on the side of being a bit reserved/boring, boxer brief guy probably isn’t the most adventurous (sexually or otherwise) and probably ordered 20 of the same boxer briefs on Amazon the same weekend that he threw out all his boxers.
I’ve saved the best for last here, but fair warning for anyone getting riled by boxer brief description: if you thought I was way off, you were probably actually picturing trunks. Trunks are a hybrid between briefs and boxer briefs, meaning they cover one-third of the thigh instead of half, and I don’t know how guys buy anything else once they know these exist. If guys need a foot and a half of underwear to cover them while playing sports, fine. When they’re showing up for sex, they should step up and flash a little leg, which is not a huge ask given that “sexy underwear” for women covers between zero and ten percent of your ass. Trunks mean he actually tried more than one type of underwear before considering himself stocked for life, and he’s decently aware of what he looks good in. Get yourself a guy who wears trunks.
Not happy with how your fuckboy stacked up in the above assessment? Good news: Valentine’s Day is coming up, and there’s no better way to say “I’m only in this for the sex” than the gift of underwear. Don’t believe me? You’re more than welcome to check out the parade of fuckboys blowing cash at Victoria’s Secret on February 13th for yourself.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
Gather round, y’all, for our regularly scheduled “Is Kylie Jenner pregnant ?” Well, this week’s evidence is pretty indisputable, and at this point it’s getting pretty fucking annoying that I have to continue to report on all these conspiracy theories because Kris won’t fucking confirm what we all have known for months. *Takes deep, calming breaths* I guess the Kardashians did some sort of advertisement for Calvin Klein, and an hour ago (at the time I am writing this), Kris Jenner regrammed the ad. And in case you were still looking for evidence to the contrary, this picture all but puts the speculation to bed. Take a look below.
Okay, so on a very basic level, all the Kardashian/Jenner sisters are baring their stomachs, except for Kylie, who is legit swaddled in a blanket. Like, come on. There were a million less obvious ways they could have done this, but they literally covered up every inch of Kylie from the chest down. What more proof do you need? Even Khloé, who we know for sure is pregnant, is showing her stomach. If they cared at all about keeping Kylie’s pregnancy a secret, couldn’t they just have photoshopped her baby bump out? Is that how it works? Graphic designers, feel free to leave your opinions in the comments section.
But wait, there’s more. Notice the hand placement in the photo. Every pregnant Kardashian sister has her hand on her stomach. Kim does. Khloé does. Now LOOK AT KYLIE AND KHLOE’S HANDS. Khloé is holding Kylie’s hand, and her arm is resting over Kylie’s baby bump. I’m saying it now: Khloé is confirming Kylie’s pregnancy.
I rest my case.
Someone who is probably now dead or less famous than Angelina from Jersey Shore once said something about the fact that boredom doesn’t exist because of creativity. IDK, I’m too lazy to Google the real quote. Anyway, it’s irrelevant because that’s not true. Boredom doesn’t exist because of the invention of online shopping. Shopbop is currently having a huge sale where you get 20% off orders under $500 or 25% off orders of $500 or more. Obviously, this is super overwhelming, so here are a few suggestions.
FENTY x PUMA Creepers literally never go on sale. This is as historic as the invention of the sticky boob.
FENTY x PUMA Cracked Creeper Sneakers
Thanks to Bieber and the Jenners, a Calvin Klein underwear set is a total necessity. If you don’t already have one, I’m honestly shocked. If you do already have one, you might as well get it in another color.
Calvin Klein Underwear
You should probably invest in a few pairs of Quay sunglasses so you don’t have to keep replacing them every time you lose them after a blackout in broad daylight at a darty.
Quay All My Love Sunglasses
Adulting sucks, so wear an expensive glorified onesie to feel like a kid again.
Wilt Drop Racer Tank Jumpsuit
Black lipstick is dope in theory but questionable in real life. This Kendall + Kylie coin purse is perfect for (technically) pulling off black lips without looking like a poorly executed Jenny Humphrey Halloween costume.
Kendall + Kylie Gabriella Coin Purse
The perfect black one piece is nearly impossible to find. It’s like, you’re either going to look like Farrah from Teen Mom or an actual, real life mom. This one is perfect because it shows off just the right amount of sideboob.
Beach Riot x Stone Cold Fox Bridget One Piece
The good ol’ “but they’ll go with everything and were on sale” line you feed yourself every time you buy a pair of heels that you’ll never wear actually wouldn’t be a lie with these Alexander Wang sandals.
Alexander Wang Abby City Sandals
A LuMee case is technically buying Instagram likes because it makes your selfies so lit (sorry for the dad joke), but it’s not really embarrassing if it’s on sale.
LuMee Two iPhone 7 Plus Case
Like mimosas at brunch or shots at a pregame, your attitude towards black crossbody bags should always be “well, I can have one more.”
Moschino Love Moschino Bag
I’m not sure exactly when wearing jeans became as uncomfortable as opening a guy’s Tinder bio to see that he has his height in it, but it has. Thanks to the invention of leggings as pants, I now wear jeans about as frequently as Adam wore shirts in the first season of Girls. Anyway, these AG jeans are basically leggings, so you should probably get them.
AG Raw Hem Legging Ankle Jeans