This year, with all the crazy things happening in the world, I’ve really learned to be appreciative of the little special moments in life. The bar for good news has officially been lowered, so today we’re celebrating the 11th anniversary of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. That’s right, it’s been a whole 11 years since Kim and her insane family first graced our television screens, and the rest really is history. Since 2007, the Kardashians (and Jenners) have kept us entertained through it all, and they’ve pretty much thrown everything our way. We’ve had pregnancies, weddings, divorces, a sex change, revenge porn, and more pregnancies. A lot of sh*t has gone down since October 14, 2007, but which family member has changed the most? Let’s review the evidence.
(Disclaimer: I’m not putting Kanye West on this list because he’s not a real Kar-Jenner and he’s barely on Keeping Up With the Kardashians and MOSTLY because I’m sick of talking about him!!!)
8. Kris Jenner
Has Kris Jenner really changed at all since Keeping Up With the Kardashians started all those years ago? Sure, her clothes have gotten better and her face has gotten tighter, but she’s still the same tough momager betch that she’s been for all these years. If anything, she probably gives less f*cks now than she did in 2007, but don’t we all?
7. Kourtney Kardashian
2018 Kourtney = 2007 Kourtney + 3 kids – 1 Scott. Of course, having three kids is a major life change, but I think Kourtney has basically stayed the same for the most part. Maybe she’s more responsible (and more into health food) now, but she’s always been the responsible big sister. Her taste in guys has definitely changed though, going from country club d-bag (sorry Scott) to tall dark hotties.
6. Kim Kardashian
Kim is mostly the same in terms of personality, but her look has done a complete 180. Once she started dating Kanye, he gave her a complete makeover, turning her into the fashion superstar that she is now. Before that, her aesthetic was very “Princess Jasmine if she exclusively shopped at an outlet mall in 2008,” but now she only wears what Kanye tells her to. You can hate on her style, but I think she looks amazing. Also, Kim is now the most famous person on the planet, so she doesn’t have to suck up to the Pussycat Dolls anymore. Thank god.
5. Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner, the older of the two graduates of the KUWTK School for Girls, pretty much struck the lottery. She was always skinny and cute, and she luckily just got hot and stayed skinny when she grew up. Combine those qualities with her famous name, and naturally she became one of the biggest models in the world. Kendall’s legit success in the fashion world has honestly been really impressive to watch, and her career shows no signs of slowing down.
4. Khloé Kardashian
We love a glowup, and Khloé really looks phenomenal. She really was never fat like everyone tried to say, but she hit the gym like a crazy person, and her results have been very legit. After her tragic marriage with Lamar Odom finally came to a close, Khloé finally seemed to find happiness with Tristan Thompson, but things got f*cked up when he was caught cheating just days before Khloé gave birth to their child. Nevertheless, they stayed together, and now Koko has a beautiful baby girl. She seems to be in a great place compared to 2007, and I’m happy for her.
3. Rob Kardashian
Oh Rob, sweet Rob. When Keeping Up With the Kardashians started, Rob was a hot college student who was dating the hottest Cheetah Girl. But then he lost the girl, gained a ton of weight, and basically became a recluse. We watched in horror/delight as Blac Chyna basically scammed him into getting engaged and having a kid with her, but that whole situation just ended up being really bleak, especially considering there’s a kid involved. Rob, no matter how crazy your ex is, revenge porn is never a good look. Rob keeps a pretty low profile these days, which is probably for the best.
2. Kylie Jenner
Kendall and Kylie were obviously both just kids when KUWTK, but somehow Kylie’s transformation feels more notable. Kendall basically stayed skinny and pretty, she just got older. Meanwhile, Kylie got a brand new face and a brand new body, and also gave birth to a human child. Not to mention, she’s built her own business empire (ayyyy self-made billionaire), and has an entire room full of Birkin bags. We’ve truly seen Kylie grow up before our eyes, and it’s pretty insane to think about.
1. Caitlyn Jenner
Sure, I’m here to make jokes, but I’m also here to report the facts. If I had told you in 2007 that Olympic champion Bruce Jenner would transition into a beautiful (but Trump-loving) woman named Caitlyn, you would have thought I was crazy. So congratulations Caitlyn, you’ve definitely changed more than any of these other psychos in the last decade. I may not love your politics, but I’m so glad we live in a society where you’re free to be yourself. Mazel tov!
Images: Giphy (4)
g. You may remember way back 100 scandals ago when President Trump announced a transgender military ban, and basically every court was like, “Hmm…pass.” TBH I’d hoped he was too busy trolling people on twitter to remember it. Sadly, the administration came out with a memo in March basically stating that trans service members should be banned from serving because of medical costs and potential problems for “team bonding”. If being a problem for “team bonding” is a reason to keep someone from joining the military, then does that mean I’m disqualified from service due to my hatred of ice breakers? Just a thought…
WTF Does This Policy Even Mean?
Based off President Trump’s recommendation, the Pentagon crafted a policy that uses mental health as the gateway to kicking trans people out of the military. Very sneaky, sis.
What The Pentagon Says: According to the Pentagon, this is the same mental health standard the military holds across the board, so it’s not discriminatory. Individuals who are diagnosed with gender dysphoria, aka “a conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify,” according to the American Psychiatric Association, are not deemed fit to serve based off the mental health issues their gender dysphoria creates. Under this policy, all trans people are considered mentally ill, just by virtue of being trans. But my cousin Alex the white rapper who owns a hundred guns and believes in chemtrails can join the Air Force no problem. Got it.
What The ACLU Says: Basically, they call BS. According to the ACLU, there is nothing to differentiate this “new” policy, from the old one Trump announced via Twitter that has already been struck down by the courts a casual 4 times. They say the policy amounts to nothing more than a wholesale ban on trans people based on the fact that they are trans, with a small exception being bade for people who are already trans and serving in the military (an estimated 15,000 people).
What The Sup Says: What year is it? Classifying transgender identity as a mental disorder is supes offensive and also wrong. Is Freud suddenly in charge here? What is happening to the world? This feels very “don’t ask, don’t tell,” which was deemed ‘OVER’ in 2011. Denying people the right to do what makes them feel like who they are and matches up with their physical appearance seems like a violation of human right to me.
But Like, What Can I Do About It?
I mean, first of all, just be nice to trans people. Listen to them. Acknowledge them. Support them in their lives, especially if that live involves putting themselves in danger to protect their country. You can also sign this petition, donate to the ACLU, and text ‘resist’ to 504-09 to let your representatives in Congress know you support letting any trans person who wants to serve do so openly and authentically.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
To our future kids and citizens of the Kardashian States of America,
We want to express our sincerest apologies for the dystopia you live in today. We feel responsible for this, because believe it or not, there used to be a time when the Overlord Kris and her 5,000 grandchildren didn’t rule the Earth. It’s shocking, we know, but we’ll do our best to explain.
A very long time ago, back in the ancient 1970s, Kris was just a nobody flight attendant, until she married a wealthy lawyer named Robert. They had four children together, who you know as Queens Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé, plus another one named Rob, who they killed off several years ago. Their family became famous when Robert Sr. successfully defended a murderer in court, which seems extremely ominous now that we think about it.
Anyway, Kris grew the dynasty by remarrying Olympic athlete Caitlyn Jenner (known at the time as Bruce), and having two more children: Princesses Kendall and Kylie. All the siblings helped cement the family as celebrity trash gold by starring in several iterations of a reality show called Keeping Up With the Kardashians, fucking a lot of rappers, and making a few sex tapes. It was all just fun and games at the time, but it got out of control a few years later, when they continued fucking rappers and spawning more and more children faster than we could keep track of.
We’ll admit that we let this happen by religiously watching their lives and enjoying every minute of it. We followed their love triangle clusterfuck, and were genuinely curious about everything from their lip and butt injections to what was in their salads. But how were we supposed to know that this was just the tip of the iceberg? We thought Kanye 2020 was a joke at first.
So please accept our condolences for the fact that solid food is now illegal, and you have to say the Pledge of Allegiance to Kylie in the morning at school. We feel especially sorry that Caitlyn put her face over the Lincoln Memorial, but we’re not sorry that Taylor Swift has been permanently exiled. Since we can’t undo the damage that’s already been done, it looks like we’re stuck dealing with the royal family for the long run. And yes, this is why all of your names start with “K.”
Oops. Our bad,
The Betches
It is September of 2017 and there is only one thing on everyone’s mind: the collapse go global democracy Kylie Jenner’s supposed pregnancy. Is she pregnant? Who’s the father? Was this all a publicity stunt? Is there a God and if there is, why does he let his creations live in such uncertainty? Well, thanks to Caitlyn Jenner, we may have the answer to at least one of those questions. Caitlyn told The Sun on Monday, “All I can tell you is that it was some time ago.”
Okay so not exactly a due date, but what is the “it” Caitlyn is referring to, if not Kylie’s supposed pregnancy? What could have happened “some time ago” if not one of Kylie’s eggs being successfully fertilized by Tyga’s Travis Scott’s sperm?
Apart from Caitlyn, the only other member of the Kardashian clan to give us any clue as to the status of Kylie’s womb is her momager, Kris Jenner, who told Ryan Seacrest “Kylie’s not confirming anything.”
Honestly, this is some pretty shady and secretive behavior from a family that is literally famous for exposing their every poo to a national audience. Why all the shadiness? Is it because their love and respect for Kylie during this time outweighs their need for media attention?
Lololololol nah.
