5 Popular Health Claims You Shouldn’t Believe

If you’ve ever Googled anything related to your health, you’ve probably been bombarded by a billion articles claiming a variety of useless diagnoses. So, when you read one article that says that soy will kill you and another one that says it can decrease your risk of cancer, you’re probably like, “WTF?” With all these contradictory health claims, who can you believe? You’re right to be skeptical. As much as we love to waste hours scrolling through random stuff on our phones, the internet is filled with a bunch of people who think they’re experts but definitely are not. We’re talking to you, Becky—you’re not a fitness guru just because you love post-workout selfies. Also, a lot of things in science are still unknown (duh). Plus, studies can be funded by food companies and therefore can have inherent biases.

Basically what I’m trying to say is:

Good news: scientists are aware of this. In fact, they’ve even published some super helpful articles about the influence of contradictory health claims and information on consumers. Their conclusions? That there was wasn’t enough empirical evidence to clearly say anything, but people seem like they may be a little confused. No duh.

That being said, here are some of the most popular “health claims” that have totally contradictory science and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt.

Claim 1: Soy Is Bad For You

Soy is literally in everything. No, not just if you’re vegan or vegetarian, it’s literally in everything unless you, like, grow your own plants and raise your own cattle. It’s fed to most livestock, so you indirectly consume it that way, plus soy protein isolate and other processed versions are put in most protein bars, powders, and snacks.

According to this Harvard briefing (so, like, probably legit), soy is fine as long as you don’t eat too much of it. But that begs the question: how much is too much? It may improve your heart or it may cause weirdly high levels of estrogen. It may reduce the risk of breast cancer but it also may increase the risk of cancer. It also may slow down your metabolism by messing up your thyroid. SOS someone please tell me if it’s bad to be eating so much tofu.

Claim 2: Carbs Are The Devil

Often vilified, carbs have become more popular recently with the grain bowl revolution and the whole “not demonizing food” movement. On the other hand, being keto or paleo is super #trendy, both of which avoid carbs. So, should we never eat a cupcake again? Or can we go full Mean Girls and eat all the carbs to lose weight?

Seriously though, I’m really confused if gluten is going to, like, kill me or if it’s just a harmless ingredient in my breakfast cereal. Someone please LMK because the internet had no answers. Some people say carbs are great, specifically in whole-grain items. Others claim high-carb diets are terrible for you. IDK man. I just want a cookie.

Claim 3: Caffeine Will Kill You

I think I drink maybe eight cups of coffee a day (this is not an exaggeration), so I would really like someone to find out, once and for all, if this habit will kill me. Or if in fact, it’s actually great for my metabolism. According to the Mayo Clinic, more than four cups a day is not ideal. And coffee is not at all particularly beneficial to your health. If you want to know all the potential ways your coffee habit may kill you, check out this deeply terrifying collection of studies. BRB got to figure out how to cut my coffee habit. But wait—now, get confused further by checking out this list of all the benefits of drinking coffee.

Claim 4: You Should Limit Dairy Intake

When we were little, the popular idea was that kids should drink milk every day so they can have strong bones and what not. Like a billion celebrities did Got Milk ads so they could sport that iconic milk ‘stache. Now, little kids drink almond and oat milk because dairy is apparently going to kill us all. However, some recent studies have found that dairy isn’t actually that bad for us. Other doctors try to argue that it is bad for you. Are we all giving ourselves osteoporosis from calcium deficiencies? This is really starting to stress me out, NGL.

Claim 5: Red Wine Is Good For Your Heart

This seems like something that everyone just wants to be true so they can justify blacking out while watching The Bachelor ordering a glass at dinner for their heart health. Does wine *actually* benefit us? The Mayo Clinic seems to think that moderate amounts do help your heart. But Harvard health seems to think the evidence is weak. So…pick your favorite hospital? DGAF and drink a whole bottle anyway? Great plan.

Anyway, since no one knows if this stuff is true or not, go get yourself a nice fat slice of like, mocha cheesecake. Live your best life because clearly, no one knows if anything is good or bad for you. Plus like, who cares? Diets are boring. Do you think when you’re 90 you’re going to be like “damn wish I had eaten more broccoli.” No way. You will def be happy you ate that goddamn slice of cheesecake.

For more diet and health tips, listen to our podcast, Diet Starts Tomorrow!

Images: Giphy (3)

I Tried A Bunch Of Natural Relaxation Methods & Here’s What Worked

You know those days where if you get one more email, you’re going to throw your iPhone under the subway? Then your mom calls and you start freaking out because no, you don’t have a plan. And then, Whole Foods is out of Halo Top and you have to wait in line for 30 minutes because everyone decided to go grocery shopping at the same time. But all you wanted to do was lie in bed and watch Friends all day. If only being lazy all day was, like, an actual job.

Acknowledging that we’re stressed is a growing movement. And since long periods of stress cause cortisol (the primary stress hormone) to spike and higher cortisol levels lead to weight gain, heart disease, memory problems, headaches, and depression, feeling stressed out is not a joke. In addition, there’s more awareness that anxiety is an actual problem that affects at least a third of the world. And honestly, the number feels like it should be higher since literally all of my friends complain of being anxious (but maybe it’s because we’re stressed out millennials).

In any case, since stress is bad for both your physical and mental health, I’m always looking for ways to de-stress. A year ago, the New York Times wrote an article about how the “Prozac Nation is Now the United States of Xanax,” so sure, I’m well aware there are plenty of drugs that doctors love to push on their patients. But since I’ve always loved trying weird things, I wanted to test out some alternative methods of de-stressing. Since I have no background in anything medical (does dropping out of pre-med count?), I turned to Google (which we all know is totally reliable) and decided to try them out.

Here are the results in my totally scientific one-test subject study on alternative medicine/new age-y ways to chill out.

Aromatherapy

I invested in a diffuser and some oils from Urban Outfitters. Lavender oil supposedly reduces stress (plus, you know, smells lovely) so I thought I’d try it. Some essential oils can also be applied to the skin when diluted, but a word of warning: like most things in a very contradictory health industry, there’s not much definitive evidence on whether essential oils should be ingested. Personally, I would probably steer clear from swallowing essential oils. Also, don’t diffuse around your pets. Anyway, I have no plans on accidentally dying in the pursuit of journalism, so I just stuck with spritzing lavender in the air. The whole experience felt quite spa-like and did temporarily relieve some tension. I suppose I could have lit a candle instead, but for some reason, essential oils are all the rage. Plus I’m trying not to get expelled for accidentally burning down Stanford.

Breathing/Meditation

Breathing actually weirdly works. Inhale through one nostril, and then exhale through the next. The act of focusing on my breathing seems to have a calming effect for some reason. It’s basically, meditation, which I’m sure it would work—in theory. If I could sit down and not have my mind wander after 30 seconds (“this is a waste of time. I really could be finishing that paper so I can get blacked tonight at a mixer…”) that would be a miracle. I believe the whole point is to let go of your thoughts and just connect with your nature, but it’s kind of hard when my thoughts are freaking out all the time. So, let’s just stick to breathing for now.

Crystals

Did these make a difference or did I want to buy one more random thing from Urban Outfitters? The world will never know. But hey, apparently, rose quartz promote good vibes, so I figured, why not get a few? At the very least, they make my glum cement block of a dorm room slightly less hideous.

Cutting Out Caffeine

Someone once told me coffee boosts your metabolism, so I’ve been drinking it like mad ever since. The bad news? It also increases stress, so maybe my three triple shot lattes a day were not the best idea. In pursuit of de-stressing, I decided to give up caffeine for a few days and it was TERRIBLE. Honestly awful. I started falling asleep by 5pm, I had a splitting headache, and I did not in any way feel less stressed. Would I have felt less stressed if I decided to push through my caffeine withdrawal? Maybe, but you try writing a paper with a migraine.

Crafting

Sounds kitschy, but crafts can totally release stress. Apparently, the act of doing the same repetitive action over and over is soothing, so drawing or scrapbooking or knitting are all good ideas if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Honestly, drawing is really therapeutic, as was scrapbooking all my memories of last year in a week, which I maintain will be cute one day despite the fact that all my friends think I’m incredibly maudlin.

If all of these sound stupid to you, then I recommend stress baking. At the very least, you’ll end up with some dope chocolate chip cookies or something.

Images: Giphy (2)

The Right Foods To Eat Before Working Out

There’s nothing worse than showing up to your workout feeling nauseous, lightheaded, dizzy, or like you’re about to throw up the slice of leftover pizza you ate as you left the house. My esteemed colleague Betchy Crocker recently suggested some good things to eat after you work out, but your pre-workout food is just as important. You want to make sure you’re eating enough to give you energy, but not something you’ll regret as soon as you start doing cardio. Here are some of the best foods to eat before working out.

1. Oatmeal

Whole grains, like oats, are complex carbs that break down into glucose and fuel your muscles during your workout. Try going for a bowl of oatmeal or some granola about an hour before your workout. Professional nutritionists swear by these options because they’re simple and will give your body immediate energy.

2. Apple Or Banana

Apples and bananas are simple carb sources, which means they’ll give your body the energy it needs almost immediately. They digest faster than whole grains do, so even though they won’t keep you as full, they’ll give you a boost of energy if you eat them 20-30 minutes before the workout. Mostly any fruit is good to eat before working out, but stay away from high-fiber fruits like berries and pears because they’ll take longer to digest and may hurt your stomach if you’re jumping around a lot. Also, has anyone in the history of the world gotten full off berries? Lmk.

3. Greek Yogurt

People like to eat yogurt after their workouts because it’s mainly a source of protein, but protein is super important to eat before working out as well. Especially if you’re doing weight training, you’ll need the protein in your body to help your muscles repair themselves from the microtears that occur during your session. Try looking for simple ingredients and minimal sugar in your yogurt. Siggi’s and Fage both make great nonfat yogurts. Chobani works too, but watch the sugar count depending on the flavor.

4. Eggs & Toast

If you have an hour or two before you head to the gym and need something more substantial than a piece of fruit to eat before working oat, the eggs and toast combo is your best bet. The toast will give you the energy from its complex carb makeup, and eggs are a simple protein source with a little bit of fat. It’s enough to fill you up without making you nauseous halfway through.

Eggs Bacon and Toast

5. Maca

Maca root, often found in the form of maca powder, is an ancient Peruvian plant that is literally filled with nutrients that will boost your workout. Maca is rich in amino acids and vitamins, and it’s also an adaptogen, so it aids in adrenal function, increasing your energy levels and enhancing workout performance. Blend it into a smoothie before your workout or mix it into your oatmeal. It’s a game-changer.

6. RX Bars or Lara Bars

Bars are a go-to option to eat before working out if you’re going straight from the office and don’t have time to stop and pick up legit food. Natural protein bars have been all over the health food market recently, and two great pre-workout options are RX Bars and Lara Bars. They’re both made with dates and nuts, so you have a quick carb and natural sugar source from the dates, and a little healthy fat from the nuts to keep you full. RX Bars even include eggs for extra protein. The Maple Sea Salt flavor is a personal fav. Just saying.

 

7. Caffeine

I know this isn’t actually a food, but having a cup of coffee or green tea before your workout is KEY if you want a real energy boost. I would pair this with some real food too, but caffeine has been scientifically proven to boost your workout by tapping into your central nervous system and recruiting muscle fibers in your body. Basically, it helps you fight fatigue and improve physical performance. So like, order the venti. It’s the responsible thing to do.

Images: Melissa Belanger / Unsplash (1); Giphy (2); nbcparksandrec / tumblr

Starbucks’ New Cold Brew Flavor Is So Disgusting

When you think “fun additions to your morning Starbucks order,” what comes to mind? Whipped cream? Peppermint flakes? Some form of caramel? Sure. All of that sounds like a good and reasonable option. You know what doesn’t sound as good? Beef jerky. But the fact that “beef jerky coffee” sounds literally stomach-churning to most normal humans is not stopping the innovative minds at Starbucks, who announced this week that they’ll be rolling out a new Pepper Nitro With a Jerky Twist at their flagship Seattle Roastery. Um…hard pass. Hard pass on beef jerky in your coffee. Hard pass on calling a Starbucks a “roastery.” Hard pass on every man, woman, and child involved in this decision-making. Go home, kids. Party’s over.

According to The Starbucks Newsroom—which we’ll also be adding to things we’re passing on today—the Pepper Nitro with a Jerky Twist is exactly what your coffee was missing:

“Pepper Nitro with a jerky Twist takes freshly ground Congo coffee, slow-steeped as cold brew and served onto a draft through a nitro tap, then infused with a sweet and savory malted fennel black pepper syrup. The beverage is topped with a layer of honey cold foam and finished with a sprinkling of cracked pink peppercorn and a bamboo skewer of natural beef jerky made with grass-fed beef.”

So that’s all interesting info, Starbucks, but it answers literally 0 of the 200+ questions I had when I first heard about beef jerky in coffee, the first of which was “but y tho?”

In Starbucks’ defense, they did attempt to answer the very pressing “Why, God, why?!” that would pop into anyone’s mind when hearing about a coffee with beef jerky in it. Their answer?

“We want to celebrate our passion for coffee, but also create the unexpected with flavors we know Roastery customers will love.”

Will they though, Starbucks?!? WILL THEY?!?! Who are the people who want to drink beef jerky? WHO?!? And once you’re beyond the fact that this “beverage” comes with a literal piece of meat inside it, then you can move onto the other disturbing elements of the Pepper Nitro, namely, the pepper. Who wants pepper in their coffee? This isn’t some fancy Brooklyn hipster bar. I don’t need your specialty cocktails!

Anyway, no word yet on when this monstrosity will be available outside Seattle, but I’ll be sticking to unsweetened iced coffee. Thanks. 

Where To Get The Best Iced Coffee You’ll Ever Drink

Betches have sworn by iced coffee forever, but recently, the trend has spread to literally everyone. Like, the magic of iced coffee used to be this amazing underrated secret between us and a few hipsters, but now, every human being is Instagramming their cold brew like they’re an influencer, and so a million coffee shops have stepped up and completely mastered the drink. If you’re in NYC this summer and you’re trying to navigate through the coffee shop options on every corner, look no further. Luckily for you, we’re here all year-round and we’ve tried every cold brew and iced Americano in the area. Here are the best ones:

1. Toby’s Estate Coffee

Toby’s Estate is the holy grail of coffee in New York. I mean, every single person at their Williamsburg location has a man bun and a beard, so you know they serve good shit. Their small batch coffee is made in Brooklyn, but they also have a few locations around the city, so find one that’s close to you and order their cold brew. I mean, we can’t promise you’ll never walk into Starbucks again, but you’ll definitely look down on everyone in line.

2. Happy Bones

Happy Bones is a Nolita coffee shop that just gets us. Their drinks are almost as pretty as their tortoise colored spoons that match your new Warby Parker sunglasses, and their iced coffee is unbelievable. Plus, it’s conveniently located near some of our fav brunch spots, like Butcher’s Daughter, EggShop, and Jack’s Wife Freda, so you can get your avocado toast and iced coffee fix in one trip. We can’t make this shit up.

Happy Bones Coffee NYC

3. La Colombe

The La Colombe line looks long and intimidating, but it moves fast and this coffee is worth it. Most locations only take cash, which is obv an annoyance, but if you come prepared, you won’t be let down. La Colombe works directly with coffee farmers around the world to use exotic, rare coffee beans that taste so much better than American coffee. Whether you’re a coffee connoisseur or are just looking for something to help you open your eyes before 9am, you’ll die for this coffee.

4. Hi-Collar

Hi-Collar is an authentic Japanese cafe that specializes in a rare Siphon coffee during the day and turns into a dope sake bar at night. They let you pick your coffee bean, and then choose between a regular Japanese iced coffee, a cold brew “Mizudashi” coffee, or an AeroPress iced coffee, which are all amazing, even if we don’t really know what they are. You can also add a scoop of gelato in your iced coffee for another $2, which we totally won’t judge you for. I mean, it’s ice cream in your coffee.

Hi-Collar NYC

5. Mud

Mud, also known as Mud Spot, serves coffee that many locals (hi) have referred to as “crack.” This East Village coffee shop has been around for a while, so you’ll definitely be judged when you start Snapchatting a picture of your latte. With that being said, their iced coffee is refreshing and naturally sweet, so you don’t need to add a bunch of shit to make it drinkable. They also have a backyard restaurant that serves amazing brunch, so it’s basically a one-stop hangover cure.

6. Dean & Deluca

Dean & Deluca is the OG bougie New York hotspot. Like, Upper East Side moms have been buying their organic produce here for years and won’t even look at Whole Foods, so you know it’s the real deal. But whether their imported $18 almonds are worth it or not, their iced coffee definitely is. We love that Dean & Deluca’s iced coffee is strong enough to get you through the day but not any overkill level that will make you shaky for an hour. Oh, and buy their peanut butter cookie if you must. It’s obviously staring at you.

Dean & Deluca Coffee

7. Zibetto Espresso Bar

Don’t walk into Zibetto Espresso Bar expecting to order a cold brew with almond milk and four Splendas. This Italian coffee shop is authentic as fuck, so you’re getting a cold espresso shot called the Shakerato, and you’ll love it. I mean, any betch who went abroad to Florence can already appreciate this European version of a cold brew, so get on board. It’s basically a shot of espresso mixed with simple syrup and shaken with ice, and it’ll become your new go-to fuel. It might even be worth the trek to midtown.

8. O Cafe

If you’ve ever tried Panther Coffee in Miami, you’ll notice the coffee at O Cafe tastes weirdly familiar. That’s because it’s made from the same beans, and it’s a fucking hidden gem. The coffee beans come from exotic places like Brazil, South America, and Africa, and trust us when we say their cold brew is liquid gold. Plus, the actual cafe is adorable if you have time to sit for a sec and stare at the organic carrot muffin on the table next to you.

O Cafe Coffee

Starbucks Is Being Sued Over The Unicorn Frappuccino

Last month, when Starbucks introduced the Unicorn Frappuccino for a limited run, the internet just about lost its damn mind. Stores literally sold out of the blue and pink sugar rush in a cup, and baristas everywhere were posting pictures of how their lives had basically been ruined by the drink (same tho). It had absolutely no coffee in it, and we knew that whoever handles karma would find a way to get them back for this monstrosity. Turns out it didn’t take long, and Starbucks might be headed to court over the Unicorn Life-Ruiner Frappuccino.

A coffee shop in Brooklyn called The End has slammed Starbs with a $10 million trademark lawsuit, claiming that they started selling a Unicorn Latte back in December and have had a trademark application pending since earlier this year. The drink looks, um, exactly like the Starbucks version, except all the ingredients are healthy-sounding, like dried maca root, cashew, and blue-green algae. Still sounds fucking gross, but at least it’s not going to singlehandedly give you diabetes.

Starbucks, of course, says the lawsuit is dumb—probably because it is. The Ends is claiming that “In addition to having a highly similar name, Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino shares visual similarities to the Unicorn Latte in that both were brightly colored and featured the colors pink and blue prominently.” This has got to be the epitome of hipster Brooklyn shit to not only be like “We did it before it went mainstream,” but to SUE OVER IT. Really, hipsters, you’re gonna sue because someone copied your color scheme? Because really, if we wanna get technical, rose quartz and serenity (aka pink and blue) were Pantone’s colors of the year in 2016. So. Check mate.

.@Starbucks facing legal action from independent over ‘unicorn latte’https://t.co/p7psTWG5Oh#coffee #beverages pic.twitter.com/lOfeKlSEXb

— FoodBev (@FoodBev) May 5, 2017

Starbucks’ lawyers put out a half-assed statement about how the drink was inspired by the “fun, spirited and colorful unicorn-themed food and drink that have been trending in social media.” While they of course don’t say that they took the idea from The End, they’re basically admitting that they got the idea because some intern was scrolling down their Instagram explore page and saw some blue and pink shit. 

While we’re glad we weren’t the only ones who were personally victimized by the Unicorn Frappuccino, this lawsuit seems as unnecessary as the invention of this drink in the first place. We’re pretty sure the Unicorn Frappuccino is already over, so isn’t it a moo point? What is Starbucks gonna do, pay this random-ass coffee shop all the money they earned from the Unicorn Frap? Will they issue a personal apology for the assault on our Instagram feeds, along with a promise to cease and desist all rainbow colored beverages? One can only hope.
 

 

9 Ways Coffee Is Literally Good For You, So Your Barista Is Essentially Your Doctor

Like most betches, I spend approximately half of my paycheck on Starbucks every month. I mean, I don’t have the exact numbers because budgets are for accountants and people without online shopping addictions, but the point is that coffee is the lifeblood coursing through my veins. Luckily for everyone else who can’t get through the afternoon without a triple caramel macchiato, coffee is good for you personally, even if it’s terrible for your bank account. Let me count the ways.

1. It Reduces Your Risk of Stroke

Full disclosure here: Caffeine has been shown to cause an intense increase in blood pressure right after you drink it, but it goes away pretty quickly. In the long term (aka that thing you can never think about), caffeine is actually thought to reduce your risk of stroke. Back in 2015, a study of more than 82,000 people found that the ones who drank at least one cup of coffee a day (or a fuckton of green tea) were way less likely to have a stroke over the years.

In 2011, a similar study found that women who drank two or more cups each day were less likely to have a stroke, too. So to all the people who give you side-eye when you’re on your fourth cup by 10am can chill way out.

Lorelei Gilmore

2. It Keeps Your Teeth Healthy

According to research, drinking black coffee might prevent cavities. Obviously (and tragically) this doesn’t apply to the monstrosities from Starbucks we know and love, because if we learned anything in elementary school it’s that sugar = cavities. But if you can choke down black coffee, you’re actually doing your teeth a favor health-wise. Just buy a lifetime supply of whitening strips while you’re at it, because just because your teeth are health doesn’t mean they’re not stained AF.

Kristin Wiig Maya Rudolph

3.  It Has A Bunch of Antioxidants

You might associate antioxidants with disgusting healthy foods you pretend to love like pomegranates or something, but coffee is actually one of the biggest sources of antioxidants in our diets. The main antioxidant coffee provides is chlorogenic acid, but there are a bunch of others floating around in your cup of joe. The jury is still out on whether that actually means anything, but at least you’ll feel healthy as shit and won’t have to spend like, $1K on an acai bowl to do so.

4. It Prevents Depression

Approximately a bajillion studies have shown that coffee is linked to a lower risk for depression, especially in women. This probably has to do with caffeine’s stimulatory effects—it encourages your brain to release dopamine, just like all the fun drugs but in lower doses. Coffee doesn’t cure depression (duh), but in Trump’s America, even just a lowered risk is pretty solid.

Coffee cheers

5. It Lowers Risk For Parkinson’s Disease

Parkinson’s disease is super scary—just ask Michael J Fox. Like, it’s one of those disease you can spend hours on WebMD convincing yourself you have and get all the way through making a ZocDoc appointment before your boyfriend reminds you that you’re just high. Well, next time you go down one of these rabbit holes, remind your anxiety brain that coffee might protect against Parkinson’s and control symptoms in people who already have it. In 2012, a study found that caffeine helped people with Parkinson’s control their movements, and a few other studies over the years have found that people who drink coffee every day are less likely to get the disease.

 Beyonce coffee

6. It Makes You More Alert

ICYMI because you’re one of those hipsters who drinks coffee “for the taste,” coffee quickly makes you more alert and reduces fatigue, which is why we all need it before dealing with work/people/the world in general on Monday morning. It can also mess with your sleep patterns, but that’s a small price to pay for it quelling all your homicidal tendencies.

hugging coffee

7. It Reduces Skin Cancer Risk

Bad news: If you were like literally everyone else in the mid-2000s and used tanning beds as a teenager, you should watch out for skin cancer. Good news: Coffee drinking might be linked to a reduced risk for melanoma. Back to bad news: There have only been a few studies about it, so you still have to wear sunscreen on spring break.

Jennifer Lawrence

8. You Turn Into A Monster At The Gym

Next time someone is inexplicably annoyed when you roll up to Pilates with Starbucks in hand, kindly refer them to the fuckton of research showing that caffeine boosts workout performance. Apparently, caffeine’s stimulation helps you work out harder, and all that dopamine makes the misery less miserable. Plus, people eat fewer calories when they drink caffeine before and after a workout, which is the literal opposite of what happens when I hit the gym.

Nicki Anaconda

9. You Literally Live Longer

Research shows that people who drink coffee every day tend to live longer. Better yet, the last study on the subject back in 2015 found that moderate coffee drinkers—the people who have three to five cups a day—were the ones that lived longest, even compared to people who had just one or two cups. I’d like to note that if three to five cups PER DAY is considered “moderate” coffee consumption, I don’t want to meet the “heavy” consumers. But regardless, there’s your excuse to order an extra shot in your latte from today until you kick the bucket several centuries from now.

In conclusion: To all the smug tea drinkers out there, kindly STFU about the perils of coffee and feel free to take every seat.  

Read: Drinking Pinot Noir Makes You More Attractive, So I’m Basically Adriana Lima
 
Wine-Infused Coffee Is Here To Get You Through 2017

At last, a shining light has emerged in the darkness enveloping America. Some geniuses in Napa Valley have invented wine-infused coffee, and while I normally have zero patience for combining things that are perfectly good on their own, I’ll make an exception on the grounds that caffeine and alcohol are every betch’s truest passions.

The coffee, called Molinari Private Reserve, is the result of an experiment between Napa caffe owner Rick Molinari and Wild Card Roasters. It took two and a half years to perfect the glorious recipe, which involves literally soaking coffee beans in red wine before drying and roasting them. Tragically, you can’t actually get drunk off the stuff, but apparently it tastes like coffee with a “blueberry note.” Also, the more milk you add, the more it tastes like wine, so you’re basically required to add a fuckton of milk and nobody can criticize you. But like, you still won’t get drunk. So.

IDK

Other news outlets have described the combination of alcohol and coffee as “improbable” and a way to “biologically confuse” yourself, because they never attended a party in college. Honestly, who among us hasn’t doubled-fisted instant coffee and wine when the occasion called for it? Or put Bailey’s in their morning latte? Or chased shots of rum with one of those Starbucks bottled frappuccino things?

Amateur Hour

Since you’re clearly going to want to get your hands on this, you can buy the coffee at the Molinari Private Reserve website or, if you can convince your dad to pay the airfare, go all out and drink it in Napa Valley. Then follow it up with real wine, obviously.