I’m going to be honest with you guys, this past week has been tough for me. And no, not because of stress at work or because I’m trying out some new strict diet, but rather, because of all of the Bachelor In Paradise drama that has taken our pop culture and entertainment world by storm. I’ve personally been agonizing over which side of #BachelorNation I should be on: Caelynn’s or Blake’s? It’s legit the only thing I’ve been thinking about the past so I figured I might as well process this as I write about it.
In a few words:
Before we start, I have a few things to disclaim: I actually liked Blake on The Bachelorette, and I disliked Caelynn on The Bachelor. I can’t explain it, but there’s just a deceptive and fake vibe Caelynn emits that makes me not trust her. Also, my best friend is a pageant girl so I have heard first-hand stories regarding these types of girls for years now. And, let’s just say, some of them lose their sh*t over this pageant stuff. Suffice it to say, my opinions on this Blake/Caelynn feud surprised even me. So let’s get into the drama at hand.
It Goes Down In (Blake’s) DMs…
First, I need to express in no uncertain terms that I believe that 90% of the guys who go on The Bachelor are losers. And by “losers” I simply mean that they’re the kind of guys who aren’t used to attention, but have craved it their whole lives. They never got to be homecoming king or frat president—heck, they were lucky if they even got into a frat, let alone get voted Safety and Wellness Chair. The other 10% consists of 2 groups: 5% that go on the show solely because they get how it works—they know it will bring them easy fame (looking at you, Jed)—and then, the final 5% are genuinely great guys who genuinely go on the show naively in search of love… or were submitted for the show by a pushy family member.
Which leads me to my genuine belief, said best by the Queen of Paradise herself, Demi: “Blake is a loser.” And I don’t mean that in a malicious way. I mean it in the way that he’s a loser at heart, and is not used to being the “cool guy”. Look, I think Blake is cute and genuinely a good person. But I think, prior to the show, he never experienced what it’s like to be the hot guy every girl is after. Blake used to be the type of guy who couldn’t get a girl to save his life, and now, he has an Instagram DM box overflowing with hot women. This has led to the creation of our current Blake, a genuinely good guy at heart turned f*ckboy because he doesn’t know how to handle all of this positive attention from the opposite sex.
Okay, now that I’ve provided all of the background information leading to my official stance, let’s get into the actual situation. Long story short, Blake slept with Kristina and then Caelynn on back-to-back nights at Stagecoach. He supposedly has had more than a one-time hookup type of relationship with both women. He also apparently had been DM-ing and hanging out with several other Bachelor alum prior to Paradise. Overall, not a good look.
Now, the reason that everyone (aka all of Twitter) has taken Blake’s side is due to the fact that the text messages he released showed that Caelynn was the one thirsting for Blake at Stagecoach and that they had BOTH agreed to keep their Stagecoach hookup a secret. This goes against Caelynn’s narrative that Blake ghosted her before Paradise. Sidebar, F*CK BLAKE for releasing Caelynn’s drunk texts! I can’t think of anything more mortifying than this.
Now, here’s the thing—according to what we were told by Caelynn (and which has also been confirmed from several other reliable sources of people within The Bachelor franchise) this Stagecoach hookup wasn’t their first hookup, nor was it some random one night stand. To put it simply, you just don’t have that type of flirty texting rapport with a random stranger who you don’t know.
In the post-hookup texts, Caelynn totally agreed to hide the hookup. The “hookup” being the key word here: she agreed to hide the hookup, not to hide the whole entire f*cking relationship. This is the kind of situation that I guarantee a lot of us have been in. You’re blackout, see an ex or ex-fling out at the bar and, even though you KNOW your “relationship” is technically done, you also know they’re comfortable, so you drunk text them because you have no inhibitions. The next day you wake up hungover af, and severely regret your drunken backsliding, but have to just move on with your life. However, in Blake and Caelynn’s situation, “moving on with their lives” is actually “going to Paradise where the entire country watches you try to find love while untangling this very 2019 issue.”
Welcome to “Paradise”…
Okay, so now again, imagine you are these two. You were both drunk and hooked up, but a week from now you’re both headed to Paradise, where you have a real shot at finding love. You two have already tried an actual relationship and it didn’t work. So why on earth would you both go into this new experience and declare to everyone that you just recently hooked up? That’s going to turn off potential suitors in both directions, especially if Caelynn and Blake had already started building relationships by talking to people prior to BIP, which, according to Caelynn, Blake was definitely doing.
Therefore, these two agree to not disclose the hookup. But, here’s where I think the majority of people are getting it wrong: yes, Caelynn agreed that there was no need to share their Stagecoach hookup, but she probably didn’t think they were agreeing to hide the entire relationship and completely ignore each other in Paradise. Like, imagine how hurtful that would be? For her “ex” to hide that they ever had any form of relationship would be such a stab to the ego!
Now, the next issue Bachelor Nation is in arms over is Caelynn claiming that Blake ghosted her which, mind you, is still possibly separate from their post-Stagecoach hookup texts. It sounds like, prior to their Stagecoach hookup, they were 100% in a “relationship” of sorts, but Blake’s f*ckboy ways got the best of him and he pulled away out of whatever “relationship” they had. Then, after seeing each other at Stagecoach (and probably flirting while there) Caelynn drunk texted him, to which Blake of course responded. So, due to their hookup and friendship text conversations post their drunken hook-up, Blake doesn’t believe he actually ghosted her. But, from my understanding, the “ghosting” actually happened months prior when they were actually in their non-official “relationship” with one another and Blake faded out.
Also, sidenote, for Blake to deny that he and Caelynn were ever in an actual relationship infuriates me to no avail. @Blake, @Jed, and @allothermillenialf*ckboys: just because you don’t put an official label on it doesn’t mean you weren’t in a relationship. If what Caelynn said was true, and they were FaceTiming three times a day, talking on the phone, and hanging out, then they were in a relationship. Whether they officially referred to one another as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” or not, it’s still considered a relationship, and it’s an immature and sh*tty move to deem it anything less.
In defense of Blake, I’m not mad at him for sleeping with Kristina and Caelynn back-to-back, especially given the fact that Caelynn was clearly wanting it at Stagecoach. What I AM mad at Blake for is denying that they ever had any type of relationship and for completely ignoring Caelynn when she showed up at Paradise. (And if that was all just editing then kudos to producers, you had me fooled!)
Now, my greatest piece of evidence in favor of Caelynn is the mental breakdown she had to Blake in last week’s night two episode. I’ve never related to anything more or really felt for a reality TV star than the way I did to Caelynn in this moment. I’ve been there in that exact deep emotional spiral, as I’m sure many of you also have. It’s that, “I feel crazy but I know I’m not crazy and that I actually have the right to feel this way, but I’m trying to play it cool, but I’m actually not cool and actually, you’re crazy but I will to be the one to look crazy so F*CK YOU” type of meltdown.
We’re all very aware that Caelynn is a pageant girl and is therefore experienced in keeping her sh*t together and staying cool under pressure. Therefore, for her to have such an intense, emotional, out-of-control breakdown spiral says something about the nature of her and Blake’s relationship. If it genuinely was just a “one night stand” and Caelynn was just pissed off that Blake ghosted her after, she probably would have had a more even-keeled and annoyed reaction like Kristina’s. But, when you’ve had an actual relationship with someone and then see them and they act like you don’t exist and like you never meant anything to them, then you have a reaction like Caelynn’s.
So here’s where I’m at: Blake, you’re a f*ckboy. It’s all about the games for you, and you are in a very selfish time of your life which like, fine, that’s fair. I understand, but you NEED to be humbled. I believe you’re a good guy and are doing anything you can to protect your reputation right now. You genuinely don’t believe you did anything wrong because that’s what you’ve been telling yourself to justify your actions. Blake, the reason people like you is because you’re sensitive, cool, charismatic, and fun-loving. So just man up, own your sh*t, and we’ll all forgive you! Just publicly recognize that you and Caelynn had a relationship, whether it was explicitly defined or not, apologize for upsetting her and making her feel crazy, and then we can all move on. Stop dwelling on this, and on being right, because, realistically, if you actually were fully confident that you were right, you wouldn’t be retaliating the way you are, posting a drunk girl’s text messages. All I have left to say to you is, good luck getting any late night booty calls from girls at this point!
Now, for Caelynn, I f*ckin’ feel you sis. You’re a beautiful girl and any guy would be LUCKY to be with you…especially a guy like Blake. However, I don’t think you’re defending yourself correctly in this situation. You need to address the fact that, whether he officially deemed it a relationship or not, you two did have an actual relationship prior to your drunken Stagecoach night together. Therefore, it’s not actually about the fact that he slept with Kristina and then you. Like, yeah, that sucks and it hurts, and the way he supposedly acted the next morning is extremely douchey. But none of that is the actual problem. I get that you probably did still have feelings for him when you slept with him, and so the fact that he slept with someone else the night prior and was blatantly talking to other girls in front of you was hard for you. However, you need to let that part go because, at that point, he had already made it clear to you that you two weren’t a “thing” anymore by, I’m assuming, ghosting you. By focusing on his Stagecoach hookups, you’re making it way harder for people to be on your side. When, in reality. I think everyone, especially fellow women out there, would be on your side over the fact that, Blake showing up to Paradise and not even talking to you or wanting to tell anyone that you guys have a history is f*cked up. No one should EVER be ashamed to be with you, Caelynn, and you know that, which is why I think you’re dragging his name through the mud more than you should be. You’re hurt, and I get it, but this whole thing will be a lot easier if you just focus on your own feelings and what he’s done to hurt you rather than on Blake’s “single guy actions” which, in an argument of right versus wrong, he technically had the “right” to do.
All I have left to say is that I’m excited AF for the rest of the season and, in the infamous words of Chris Harrison, actually think this will be, “the most dramatic season ever.”
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Welcome to the Bachelor in Paradise, week one, night two recap! It’s Britney, Betch and I are tag teaming these recaps this season because there are only so many ways one person can say “just burn it all to the ground” before they get put on suicide watch. Plus, we are each only happy if the other is submitted to the same torture in life. It’s a beautiful friendship, isn’t it? So, let’s get started!
Previously on BiP, Hannah G made out with Dylan to pass the time, Blake took Tayshia on a date and then Kristina showed up and immediately asked him on a date, and Caelynn was one margarita away from pulling a 2007 Britney Spears and shaving her head in the ladies’ communal bathroom.
On the beach, everyone is sitting around talking about how Blake is the “it guy” of Paradise, and how he’s such a hot commodity. Wills rolls his eyes, and so I guess he is the on-camera surrogate for the audience this season.
THIS GUY?! Really? THIS GUY?
Blake pulls Tayshia away from the group to clear the air because Kristina asked him to go on a date that day. He basically tells her he had a great time last night but given the chance he’s totally going to f*ck Kristina today. So sweet!
Meanwhile, Caelynn continues to be horrified that the mediocre white man who ghosted her is somehow still popular with the ladies. Duh! Welcome to the real world, Caelynn! I’ve been ghosted so much my whole phone just went up in a puff of smoke.
Blake And Kristina’s Date
Blake and Kristina go four-wheeling on their date, because the producers love to give scorned women weapons. Personally, I prefer a knife for a more personal murder experience, but I guess this will do in a pinch.
After Kristina somehow does NOT crash the passenger side of the four-wheeler into a tree, they head to a random seating area where she tells Blake that he walked all over her, but that Paradise is about second chances, so she’d like to give him a chance to walk all over her again. Poor Kristina! When will she learn? Her fellow Russian orphans would be so disappointed in her.
Blake attempts to explain himself by telling Kristina that he and Caelynn “took it too far” but they “both agreed” that sleeping together was a mistake. Hmmm, Caelynn’s fragile mental state says otherwise. He is also pissed that Kristina dare question the actions of him, a single man, because obviously only women should be called out for sleeping with multiple partners!! Doesn’t she know this?!
Okay, at this point I’m just so confused. Why did Kristina waste a date card to confront Blake? She could have just roasted him on the beach in front of everyone and it would have been way better. Or she could have just put Nair in his hair gel! Food dye in his sunscreen! Antifreeze in his cocktail! So many better ways to get even!
As Blake and Kristina return from their nightmare of a date, Caelynn, powered by sheer hatred, heat stroke, and 20 vodka sodas, takes this opportunity to pull Blake aside.
Caelynn is unraveling by the hair extensions as she calls him out for saying they were a mistake. She says that she feels like a disgusting secret that he is ashamed of, and that she just can’t keep his secret any longer, neglecting to mention that she has already blabbed about it to everyone in the house: Wells the bartender, the local wildlife, and a coconut, which in her defense really looked like Hannah’s head!
Blake is distraught. He is in tears. He just wanted to come to the beach, sleep with the women on the show that didn’t answer his DM’s, and now they are all running around calling him names! He’s telling his Mommy on them!!!!
Demi calls Blake a loser and THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING, PEOPLE. It’s the haircut. Well, that and the man whoring, of course.
Blake is lamenting that he “looks so bad, man”, and yes Blake, that’s what happens when you do bad things. You look bad. Because you are bad. He also cries that nobody will be into him now and it’s like my GOD Blake, we’re being a little dramatic, aren’t we? I reserve phrases like that for that one time I dyed my hair black thinking I would look like Megan Fox and instead looked like a drowned raccoon. Besides, there’s no need to look so glum. Annaliese will probably still have you!
We wake up on the third day of Paradise, and miraculously God has not yet struck down this sinful little beach town. Demi sums everything up for us. She and Derek are hanging out. Hannah is killing time until someone hotter comes along with Dylan, and everyone is gossiping about the Caelynn/Blake drama.
Wills grabs Hannah and chats her up. Hannah says she is making an effort to be open in Paradise and I am guessing that means with her legs, because the only thing I’ve heard her say thus far is that her favorite food is charcuterie boards and I don’t even believe her. They make out, so that confirms my suspicions about what “open” means.
Dylan tells Hannah he can’t see himself with anyone else, and she looks very worried because she is totally going to bang other people. She tells Dylan that Wills kissed her and he dies a little inside, but with a smile on his face. What a guy!
We turn to the beach where everyone is watching Clay work out. Nicole is openly drooling, and JPJ is pouting at Clay’s perfect physique, but then he stares at his own reflection in the camera, and whispers, “no, you’re the fairest one of all.” He’ll be okay.
Ooooh Bibi also has a crush on Clay. I love her because I identify with her, and I just want her to be happy. Clay tells her she is hot multiple times, but then is all over Nicole. Bibi and I don’t like this. Just as Clay and Nicole are about to get cozy, Demi cock blocks him with a date card. Clay asks Nicole on the date and Bibi is devastated. What is wrong with us? Why won’t anyone love us! Errrr I mean… what is wrong with HER, why won’t anyone love HER?!
Bibi: Clay already gets me SO much that’s why he didn’t ask me on this date
Back at the bar, Annaliese is gossiping with Chris and Cam (two of my predictions for her!) and claims that Clay recently saw Angela and she doesn’t believe it’s over. She confronts Clay and she is in tears, and it’s like chill Annaliese, he’s not going to make you get in a bumper car, just calm down. The discussion goes like this:
Annaliese: You aren’t here for the right reasons
Clay: What reasons am I here for?
Annaliese: You suck at football, no one would pick you up, and now you need a new income stream.
Wow. Did she hit the nail on the head or what?
Clay and Nicole go to a carnival on their date. Nicole rides a mechanical bull, and Clay tells Nicole that he is over his relationship with Angela. I am exhausted by this Angela business. She has gotten more airtime on this season THAT SHE DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR ON than she ever did on any other season of The Bachelor.
In case you forgot what she looks like because I sure did:
Nicole says this feels like the beginning of something special, and if by “something special” she means bad drunk sex, then I would have to agree!
Guys, I can’t with Blake’s crocodile tears, saying “I’m going to have to go into hiding,” and “I can’t imagine what people will think of me.” Okay dude, you aren’t Osama bin Laden you are literally just a 30-year-old f*ckboy who needs a new to find a new barber. It will be fine.
The Cocktail Party
We have made it to the first cocktail party of the season, aka the part where we find out who is desperate enough to make out with Cam.
I love that Demi has become the narrator of this episode, can she get some of that Chris Harrison bread?
Blake pulls Tayshia aside to find out if she knows how much of a piece of sh*t he is. Surprise, Blakey, she knows! He quickly moves on to Caelynn to see if she still thinks he’s a piece of sh*t. Surprise, Blakey, she still does!
And ding, ding, ding we have a winner!!! It looks like Caelynn is the one desperate enough for Cam’s rose. They make out. And she says the more she gets to know him, the more she likes him. That sounds like a lie. Something tells me Cam will be very disappointed next week when the women have the roses…
Jane decides to shoot her shot with JPJ and does it with leftover tacos she found sitting out in the kitchen. Finally, someone speaking my love language! Unfortunately, JPJ immediately starts throwing up in the sand and I’m having horrific flashbacks to Spring Break ‘09 in Panama City Beach. That was totally food poisoning too, Mom!
Jane claims she’s not trying to kill him, but that’s what every murderer on SVU says. I can’t imagine what could be in a taco that would immediately cause someone to puke but I guess that skim milk of a man just can’t handle the spice.
Annaliese and Chris are making out and they are doing a cheesy doctor thing and I wish I was dead.
Chris: I need a prescription for three more kisses
Oh, hey! Maybe that’s what made JPJ hurl.
Back at the bar, Bibi is crying because no one loves her, and I don’t know what that feels like at all because that totally wasn’t me at my younger brother’s wedding this weekend, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Hannah tells Wills that she doesn’t want to waste his rose tonight and that her heart is tugging in another direction. Wills, I know you are feeling sad right now, but just help yourself to one of those edibles a producer snuck onto the plane for you and it will all be better soon, sweetie!
Blake then pulls Hannah aside because they “have something special.” So basically she’s the last woman on earth who won’t spit on his grave? Hannah is into it because she is trying to be “open.” Enough with that word open! If I hear it again I am going to take this bottle of wine to the face (kidding, it’s already gone). Also, it’s nice to be open but my God Hannah, Dylan is way cuter and Blake probably has VD.
Hannah tells Dylan that she made out with Blake, and poor Dylan has now basically swapped spit with half the dudes in Paradise and we’re only a few days into this dumpster fire. Another piece of him dies. Soon there will be nothing left of sweet Dylan.
He then goes to seek advice at the bar, and I love that they all take wisdom from Wells as if he is a mental health counselor, or a priest, or their mom, but really he is just a fake bartender forced to be on this show to pay off an engagement ring that he spent way too much money on.
And that’s all folks! We are four godforsaken hours into this show and we still have not gotten a rose ceremony and Chris Harrison has only been on camera for 45 seconds. Tune in next week to see who gets a rose and who has enough self-respect to just send themselves home. Until then!
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