Anyone who says they haven’t at least thought about what it would be like to marry rich is a fucking liar. Many of us probably spend time imagining the fabulous life you could lead if only you had a romantic meet-cute with Zac Efron (while hiking with your dog in the Los Angeles hills and your pooch runs away straight into his arms… or something. Haven’t put much thought into it). But a life of glamorous riches with a celebrity comes with the price of fame and red carpets and having to work out all the time. So I think it’s time we replace that celebrity fantasy with a successful tech entrepreneur fantasy—because if you want a partner that can support you financially while you pursue your dream job of pop culture blogging/Netflix bingeing, it’d be way cooler if they were also intelligent, inventive, and successful af.
Unfortunately our favorite tech boy feminist and Reddit co-founder, Alexis Ohanian, is no longer on the market (one more reason to love Serena Williams), but there are plenty of other viable-ish options out there, and they’re probably online dating (because tech). So get your asses out to Silicon Valley, consider the advantages (besides $$$) and disadvantages of dating a tech founder, and start compiling a list of DM’s to slide into.
Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX
Elon doesn’t really fly under the radar like our other contenders, and you probably won’t find him on Hinge (unfortunately). But he recently split from Amber Heard, so he is definitely emotionally unavailable on the market. He runs Tesla, SpaceX and The Boring Company—which is digging holes in L.A. to get rid of traffic, so he’s a total do-gooder and world saver. He’s worth about $19 billion, has been divorced three times (twice from the same woman), and only has six children for you to help raise.
Advantages: All the Teslas in the world, and a good chance he would take you to Mars.
Disadvantages: He runs like, a million companies and has like, a million children, so there probably isn’t much time for cuddles.
Jack Dorsey: Twitter
Jack is the CEO and co-founder of Twitter and the CEO and founder of Square (Venmo’s less successful stepsister). He’s 41 years old and worth around $3 billion. He has tattoos and stuff so he was probably an emo kid in high school, and I once saw him speak at a Square holiday party—he’s SUPER into himself. Maybe you’ll be into him too.
Advantages: Maybe you could get him to disable Trump’s Twitter account, for good.
Disadvantages: Twitter has gone through a few rounds of layoffs recently, and his companies don’t appear to have any way of ever making money.
John Zimmer: Lyft
As the co-founder and president of Lyft (a company worth $11 billion), John could definitely provide for an intellectually challenging and financially supportive lifestyle. Plus Uber is the worst, which makes Lyft (its top competitor) the best, right? John is 33 years old, a self-proclaimed nice guy (hopefully not too nice because nobody wants that), and your mom will totally love him.
Advantages: Free rides for life.
Disadvantages: Potential pink mustache fetish.
Drew Houston: Dropbox
Drew is the founder and CEO of Dropbox, that file storing and sharing software that somehow still hasn’t figured out how to make file storing and sharing all that easy. He’s worth an estimated $1 billion and sorta looks like a chubbier version of Elon Musk—no, just me? He loves talking about being a founder and he could probably be a boyfriend/life coach hybrid if you are into that sort of thing.
Advantages: Unlimited storage for your food pics.
Disadvantages: You would have to figure out how Dropbox works.
Images: Wikimedia (5)
Nick Viall will be returning to your television screen, but this time he won’t be trying to get rejected find love. People reported on Monday that Nick will appear in season two of ABC’s Speechless. ABC, of course, being the only network in the history of networks that has ever thought putting Nick Viall consistently on television was a good idea.
But don’t worry! Nick is actually branching out a lot with his new role, where he will be playing a “hunky B-movie actor who takes his craft too seriously.” See. That’s sooooo different from Nick’s real life as a hunky C-list TV personality who thinks reality dating is a really good way to meet someone. They’re like, not even in the same ballpark. Nick will be acting alongside legit celebrities like Micah Fowler and Academy Award nominee Minnie Driver, which is probably the closest Nick has been to legit performers since Dancing With The Stars.
According to People, Nick’s episode will shoot next week and air at the end of November, so he’ll still have time to make a surprise cameo on Winter Games if the Bachelor audience isn’t too sick of him by now that’s something he wants to do.
So there you have it, folks. We finally have proof. Nick Viall only ever went on The Bachelor to become famous. At least he’s like, really good at pretending to cry.
