The Head Pro’s Guide To The Best Butts In The MLB Playoffs

Head Pro is happy to talk to you about baseball, or butts, but he’s had enough baseball butts. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The sun sets on September and rises on October, the leaves start to turn, and a crisp chill fills the air. The “boys of summer” turn into ravenous, championship-hungry wolves prowling the base paths for a chance at glor—sorry, my mistake. You’re not here for bad sports soliloquies, you’re here for THICKY-THICC MAN ASS.

Baseball can be a boring sport, way slower than, say, basketball. But it’s also the most sexual—an entire metaphor for sex acts was built on its premise, and big, strong, burly men use their hard wooden sticks to stroke massive, majestic dongs out of the park. As it turns out, the sport is also positively lousy with onion man-booties.

The playoffs have begun in earnest, so here’s a bit about the eight teams vying for a title, as well as the best kiester on each team. You’re welcome.

American League

Cleveland Indians

Indians

Cleveland, despite a slow start to the year, turned on the jets in the second half to become the hands down favorite to win it all on the AL side. They very nearly did last year, losing in extra innings in the final game to a Chicago Cubs team that was all but preordained to win the World Series. They’re a dangerous team on both sides of the ball, and they’re somehow even better this year than last. Also, their logo is extremely racist.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Trevor Bauer

That would be starting pitcher Trevor Bauer, fresh off a commanding performance against the vile Yankees in game 1 of the ALDS. Pitchers use their lower bodies to get power and drive behind the ball. And with a badonk like that, Trevor could drive me anywhere, amirite? (I hate myself.)

Houston Astros

Houston Astros

Houston is a team that has consistently defied expectations, becoming good way sooner than anyone thought. They were by far the most explosive team in the first half, all but clinching their division by the All Star break. Their offense is potent thanks to young mashers like Jose Altuve, Carlos Correa, and George Springer, and the one-two punch of former Cy Young winners Justin Verlander and Dallas Keuchel can belittle just about any lineup. Plus, Justin Verlander is married to Kate Upton, so he has that to look forward to every night, win or lose.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Carlos Beltran

A controversial choice, but it’s utility outfielder/designated hitter/former superstar Carlos Beltran. Carlos is about 1,000 years old in baseball years, but an old butt can still be a good butt. More like Houston Ass-tros, ey ladies? (I’m dying a little inside.)

Boston Red Sox

Boston Red Sox

The Red Sox went from being a league-wide laughing stock to one of the most consistently good teams in baseball. They showed potential in last year’s playoffs, and may have done some things, were it not for their run-in with Cleveland’s juggernaut. They’re led by an electric young outfield, some wily veterans in the infield, and an already-solid pitching staff bolstered with the addition of lefty strikeout artist Chris Sale. The Red Sox do everything well, but nothing particularly great, and aside from Sale and rookie third baseman Rafael Devers, they lack both the shutdown pitching and explosive power usually needed to go deep in the playoffs.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Rajai Davis

You know, I stared at Red Sox asses more than any other team’s for this, because they are an assless wonder of a team. No wonder they’re such weak hitters! Since I have to pick, I’ll go with platooning outfielder Rajai Davis. It’s not a remarkable butt, but a serviceable one, which actually describes Davis himself, too. When it comes to butts, serviceable is just what you need sometimes. I’ll have some slow-cooked Boston Butt with a side of mmm hmmm, if you know what I mean. (This is fine, really.)

New York Yankees

Yankees

The Yankees are like your friend Maddyson. You forget about her for a while, so you’re initially happy to see her. But then you get to the playoffs (or in Maddyson’s case, the bar), and you immediately remember how fucking annoying she is and why you stopped caring about her in the first place. They have shitty starting pitching and a phenomenal bullpen, meaning they can keep leads if they get them. If not, a slugging core led by Large Baseball Son Aaron Judge, Gary Sanchez and DiDi Gregorius have the pop needed to get them back in a game. They probably won’t go far, and who gives a shit, anyway?

Who Has The Best Butt?

Gary Sanchez

Aaron Judge got all the love this year for his freakish first half performance and Home Run Derby clinic, but people forget that his shorter, thiccer teammate Gary Sanchez exploded like a bat out of hell in his rookie debut last year. Since he’s a catcher, you know all that squatting is doing good things for his backside. Talk about a Yankee doodle dandy! (My mother doesn’t know what I do for a living, nor will she ever.)

National League

Los Angeles Dodgers

Dodgers

The Dodgers finished the season with the best record in baseball, created with breathless winning streaks and a late-season losing streak that was frankly hilarious. They’re a formidable team from foul line to foul line, with MVP candidate Justin Turner, star shortstop Corey Seager, the best closer in baseball in Kenley Jansen, and the best pitcher in the universe in Clayton Kershaw. They will be tough to beat, but they have to get past division rivals Arizona, who’ve somehow eaten their lunch all season. It should be a good series!

Who Has The Best Butt?

YasielPuig

It’s easily right fielder Yasiel Puig, who went from being a possible trade option to the star player he was always expected to be. He’s a delight to watch, whether he’s firing in put-out throws from the next zip-code with pinpoint accuracy or admiring a long bomb in ways that annoy opposing pitchers. Plus, there’s no dodging a fine rear end like that. (Time is no longer a quantity I experience, now it’s a viscous quagmire that impedes everything I do.)

Washington Nationals

Washington Nationals

The Nats are my team, so I have already resigned myself to an embarrassing loss in the NLDS. But to less pessimistic onlookers, they were an early favorite to go all the way. Their 1-2-3 rotation of Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Gio Gonzalez are arguably the best in baseball, when healthy. They had far and away the most explosive offense in the first half, but they’ve been ravaged by injuries. Key pieces like veteran Jayson Werth and superstar Bryce Harper came back from serious injuries just before the end of the season, so the Nats postseason may hinge on their ability to get back up to speed in time.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Stephen Strasburg

Several options here. Stephen Strasburg is packing some junk in the trunk, but he looks like an ogre. Daniel Murphy is similarly stacked, but he’s an oafish, caveman-looking motherfucker with deeply regressive views towards gays. I’ll go with utility man Wilmer Difo (pronounced DEE-fo, not like the actor), who came up big while shortstop Trea Turner was sidelined with injuries. Now THAT’s an ass the whole nation can salute, right? (Contemplating whether or not I’ll actually be able to enjoy baseball after this.)

Chicago Cubs

Chicago Cubs

The Cubs finally shed the “lovable loser” moniker last season, when, after a 108-year drought, they finally eked out a World Series win a star-studded lineup. They’re not lovable anymore, but they aren’t losers, either: The team is mostly the same, with sluggers Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant slugging like sluggers do. The rotation isn’t the world-beater it was last year, but John Lester, Jake Arrieta, and Kyle Hendricks will never be easy obstacles to overcome. With sparkling play to end the season, they’re the even-odds favorites to repeat, now that they’re in the postseason.

Who Has The Best Butt

Arrieta

Pitchers often have good butts, but Arrieta has been caught doing lunges and farmer’s walks around the warning track at all hours of the day—this is a man who takes his ass seriously. He’s been struggling with a hamstring issue lately, limiting his effectiveness. But with ham hocks like that, who cares what his ERA is, right girls? (When friends and family look into my eyes, all they see now is a deep, black nothingness.)

Arizona Diamondbacks

Arizona Diamondbacks

Arizona suffered all season from an affliction called “Being in the same division as the Dodgers and Colorado Rockies.” The NL West was criminally stacked, and they had to win a roller coaster of a wildcard game against those same Rockies for the chance to play those same Dodgers in the NLDS. Ace pitchers, Zack Greinke and Robbie Ray, add some heat to the front of the rotation, and the acquisition of power hitter J.D. Martinez added even more pop to a lineup featuring all-purposes hitters, Jake Lamb and Paul Goldschmidt. Like I said, they’ve had some success against the Dodgers, but they just don’t seem built to go much further than that against the Nats or Cubs. Only time will tell.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Paul Goldschmidt

First baseman Paul Goldschmidt. Jew butt alert! Poor Paul could have been league MVP several times over by now, except he’s stuck playing in a league with guys like Nolan Arenado, Bryce Harper, Kris Bryant, and so on. He’ll get there someday, but in the meantime, if he’s ever bitten in the ass by one of Arizona’s deadly rattlesnakes, I’ll be the first in line to suck out the poison. (Don’t actually do that if bitten by a venomous snake, please.)

So who has the best overall butt? That’s not for me to decide, and I don’t think I can look at them objectively anymore. Maybe, y’know, watch a little playoff baseball, and choose for yourself. 

Head Pro is happy to talk to you about baseball, or butts, but he’s had enough baseball butts. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

8 Bikini Bottoms That Make Your Butt Look Amazing

If there’s anything worse than trying on and buying jeans, it has to be finding a hot bikini. It’s easy to simply find cute styles when they’re everyfuckingwhere but when you have a bigger bust than all the junk in your trunk, it’s fucking hell. No one wants to strut the beach with like, no ass when you already have so many insecurities about your winter weight gain. Even though July literally starts this weekend, you still haven’t started your “summer workout plan” because if we’re being honest, you’re not stepping foot into a gym more than twice and you’re sure as hell not going to do a 30-day squat challenge at home when you have to take care of drinking and catching up on Bachelorette scandals other responsibilities. If you aren’t waking up with a 6-pack tomorrow (like, same), here are the best bathing suit bottoms to buy that will make you have the best J. Lo-looking ass on the beach. And the best part is, you don’t even have the exert energy to get it. Bless.

To Give Your Butt A Lift, Try…

Marysia Swim Broadway Scallop Bikini Bottoms

Marysia Swim Broadway Scallop Bikini Bottoms

Scalloped edges give any flat ass a great lift by accentuating your hips with its edgy cut. The illusion gives your body just the right amount of curves without making you look wide.

SHE MADE ME Crochet High Waisted Bottom

She Made Me Crochet High Waitsted Bikini Bottoms

Thank god for the high waist trend because this style gives your butt a big boost and hides any slight muffin top by hugging your hips. A ruffled crochet pattern adds volume to widen the bottom too. Although black is the only relevant color ever because it makes us look skinny AF, for an opposing thickening appearance, find the style in white.

MIKOH Kenya Cheeky Bottom

Cheeky Bottom

A cheeky fit does exactly what it says. By showing more skin, the high rise sides give your body an hourglass figure so your ass looks fuller with a lifting shape but like, without making you look like you have an awk wedgie.

To Make Your Butt Look Bigger, Try…

Billabong Dreamer Hawaii Reversible Bikini

Billabong Dreamer Hawaii Reversible Bikini

Usually, stripes are a big no-no. However, to give the illusion that you have a nice ass, opt for this style with a little bit of scrunching and horizontal stripes to widen your bottom half. It has just the right amount of slutty with its slightly revealing cheeky cut, aka ideal for quality beach Instas.

MILLY Graphic String Bikini Bottom

MILLY Graphic String Bottom

The classic string bikini you probs wear every year is actually good for your booty if you have a style with a bright design. Bright colors and trippy patterns confuse the eye into thinking your ass looks larger than it really is—kind of like hypnosis shit or wearing “drunk goggles.” But for your butt.

For Love & Lemons Capri Scrunchy Thong Bottom

For Love And Lemons Bikini Bottom

Similar to wearing underwear, I know, but you should know by now that in order to achieve max booty poppin’ results, you need to strut in the Kardashians’ fave style: the thong. With dainty straps and in clean white, this bottom will make any nonexistent ass look fucking amazing.

To Give Your Butt A Toned Shape, Try…

Pretty Little Thing Mix & Match Black High Waisted Bottoms

Pretty Little Things Bottom

For the real deal, you’ll want a style that’s on the sporty side. Whether it’s block-colored or solid black, a simple high waisted style with full coverage enhances a small frame. More fabric adds shape, curve, and therefore, makes your butt look like you do a hell of a lot of lunges.

ASOS Spaced Floral Mesh Hipster Bikini Bottom

ASOS Floral Hipster Bottom

A hipster bikini is your go-to if you don’t want any booty flaws, like annoying cellulite, hanging all out on the beach. The mid-rise style still hides your lower stomach so like, no rolls, and hides your love handles so you can still look toned and athletic. This brief cut provides good coverage by keeping most of your butt inside, and making it look fuller.

4 Squat Moves For A Kardashian Ass, Sans Injections

If you spent your winter with too much Netflix and not enough treadmill, you’re probably thinking it’s too late for your spring break bod. Like, maybe you procrastinated going to the gym too much and now you’re freaking out about the Cabo trip next week.  Don’t worry, like we’ve learned in last-minute dress shopping, there’s always an overnight express delivery option, and fitness is no different. Sort of. Because we’re such a good friend, we’re going to tell you the secret to making your ass look like you didn’t say yes to the dressing. That secret is squats.

If you want to get an ass like Serena without the four kids (or whatever the lyric is), all you need to do is these simple squat exercises and you’ll literally see results in less than two weeks. Like, you could get a butt before your next period. Just do squats everyday until you get on that plane for spring break and you’ll give Jen Selter a run for her money. Without actually having to run, that is.

1. Classic Squats (25-50 Reps)

Stand with your legs in second position, slightly wider than shoulder width. If you don’t know what second position is, we’re sorry your parents didn’t love you enough as a child. Make sure your toes are pointing forward in line with your knees. Then with your arms out in front of you, sit into your squat until your butt is on the same level as your knees. Keep your back as upright as possible. Pretend like you’re sitting down into a chair or trying to take a shit in the woods or something—whatever helps you picture it. Feel free to put on a song about butts while you do this—we recommend “Anaconda” or “Bubble Butt” or the ever-classic “Dance (A$$).” You should feel it in your glutes, and your inner thighs will get a little sore too. If you start to feel the burn, you’ll know it’s working. Just like laying out in the sun. Which you’ll soon be doing when you show off your new butt at the beach. If you’re in a time crunch you can just do 100 of these classic squats a day and skip the rest or add some weights to step it tf up.

2. Moving Squats (25-50 Reps)

We know you like a challenge so you’ll get bored after doing the classic squat 50 times. Even the most rewarding long-term relationship needs the occasional thing to spice it up. So vary up your squats by moving while you do them. Take a step out to the right (or left, honestly whatever) and then go down into a squat. When you stand back up, step with your left over and back out with your right into the squat. Do this a few times, then go the other way. You’ll feel kind of like a crab walking when you do this, but that’s good because it will make you think of the ocean, which you don’t want to be at with a lame flat butt.

3. Jumping Squats (25 Reps)

At this point you’re probably 6% closer to a Kim K butt, but you’re not done yet. This time, plant yourself in the classic squat position. Instead of sitting and standing back up, you’ll jump when you stand back up from the squat. When you land, bend your knees and go straight back into the squat.

4. In And Out Jumping Squats (25 Reps)

At this point you’re almost done with the workout and probably have listened to “Bubble Butt” at least twice, but don’t worry, we’re almost done. This jumping squat is very much like the one we just did, but instead of jumping straight up and down, you’ll now jump in with your legs together when you stand up, much like those Russian nutcracker dolls that kick out when you pull a string on them. Jump in and jump out into a squat as many times as you want, but we suggest 25.

 

At the end of the day, your butt is a magical thing, because unlike most of the other stuff on your body, you can actually pretty easily work it out to make it better. #Blessings. You can’t exercise your way to bigger boobs (unfortunately), so focus on the squats and you’ll be spring break ready before the TSA can detain you at the airport for traveling with your friend Molly on Spring Break.

More moves for a better butt here!