Whether you’re a bright-eyed freshman, have switched your major three times so far this semester, or you’re a junior and somehow still not quite sure what you want to study, let me assure you that the major you pick will impact your entire life in a pretty big way. Freshmen especially, listen up: your major also plays a big part in who your friends will be, what your college experience will feel like, and how other students perceive you. Will it matter after you graduate in terms of getting jobs? Not one bit. But it will affect your social life, which is the most important part of college, obviously.
Your major is also extremely important because if you’re gonna be hungover in your 8am, you might as well enjoy the other 200 people in the lecture and have some interest in the class material you’re so desperately trying to retain. For those of us not sitting in that lecture hall (we stop making that mistake after one semester), and eager freshmen alike, here’s what your major says about you.
Accounting And/Or Finance
I hooked up with a guy with this major who freaked out at me when I asked what made his major so hard. Apparently asking him how entering numbers into a spreadsheet qualified as a legitimate course of study wasn’t the most supportive thing to do in that moment, but whatever.
If you’re majoring in Accounting or Finance, you’re probably super ambitious and a douchebag on the side. Honestly, I don’t doubt you’re better at money management than me, so please hit me up if you want to teach me how to save money or if you know what the f*ck a 401(k) is.
Looking into the future, you’re probably super pumped for the Wall Street summer internship your sister’s boyfriend promised to score for you, but spoiler alert: you’re really doing coffee runs and won’t see any daylight, so have fun with that, sweetheart! You’re likely planning on being the betchy version of Jordan Belfort (you know, without all those legal issues and hopefully no quaaludes) but in reality, you’re looking at a sh*t ton of time spent networking with your dad’s friends.
Basically, if you’re delving into a business school major, be prepared to both work and schmooze your ass off each year to get ahead of the rest of your class. Unless of course, you quit after freshman year to become a comm major. No shade.
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It’s bizarre to me that econ majors and business majors have beef. Guess what? You’re all smart, you’re all annoying as hell, and you’re all equally as likely to either fail miserably or become the next Bill Gates!! You watch Bloomberg and read The Wall Street Journal while scrolling through that weird stock app I can’t delete from my iPhone. Obviously, you can also recite the entirety of The Big Short from memory.
I wouldn’t call myself an econ expert, so I’m not really positive how people actually apply their economics degree post-grad. You’re probably planning on going to even more school and becoming a professor or one of those
try-hard ~cool~ high school econ teachers or something.
Due to the interesting state of America today, these students are multiplying overnight. Poli-sci students tend to fall on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum. Whether sporting MAGA hats with no shame or constantly skipping classes to protest whatever dumb sh*t came out of the White House this week, poli-sci wins as the most entertaining spectator sport.
If you have absolutely zero chill, did Speech and Debate in high school, and enjoy starting sh*t with your friends, this is the perfect major for you! You get a thrill from causing fights after four vodka sodas, especially when the bartender tries charging you $9 for the fifth. Just remember, “God Brad, don’t you realize you’re contributing to capitalist oppression!?” isn’t as good of an argument as you think when you’re slurring your words… especially when the bartender’s name is actually Ryan.
If this is your major, you’re probably planning on going to law school and becoming the next Liz Warren or RBG (good luck). Just remember, we can’t all be Elle Woods, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Comm classes are the 21st century version of Noah’s f*cking Ark. Seriously, where else can you find a clueless fifth-year senior, a hungover VSCO girl, and a future Pulitzer Prize winner learning the same thing?
If you’re a comm major, you’re either constantly asking your friend which filter matches your Insta feed aesthetic or talking about the depressing state of journalism today. Comm majors are constantly posting on social media, remain the go-to friend for caption ideas, and daydream of comparisons to Walter Cronkite as you host your own MSNBC (or Fox News) show.
In any case, your parents are paying a sh*t-ton for you to spend four years lazily plagiarizing Wikipedia articles about famous journalists to graduate with a fairly limited amount of hard skills. Congrats.
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If you’re uptight, a stoner, and have a bit of a superiority complex, philosophy is the perfect major for you.
When you come home for the holidays and your family asks about school, some of them shake their heads in disappointment, some of them have no further questions, and there’s a good chance your uncle will start an argument with you about Descartes’ theory of the self.
I’m minoring in philosophy and TBH I’m not even really sure what else there is to do with a philosophy degree aside from becoming a professor or marrying rich.
literally no one:
musical theater kids: https://t.co/PwPukUbzt5
— sadie (@sadieoleary) November 27, 2018
These are the students you hear belting everything from Phantom of the Opera to Wicked to Mean Girls in the communal bathroom. Theatre kids are basically real-life versions of the cast of Glee (during those awkward seasons that followed them to college).
If you’re overdramatic, kind of narcissistic, and not completely tone-deaf, a theatre major will feel like home. You probably continued taking dance classes and doing community theatre loooong after your friends outgrew their second-grade tutus.
When you aren’t loudly singing in your dorm during midterms (please quiet the f*ck down, practice rooms exist for a reason), you’re inviting your entire Facebook friends list to the event for your upcoming class performance of Guys and Dolls. You’ll most likely move to New York or LA after graduation and spend the foreseeable future in endless auditions. Good luck with that—the whole world’s your stage, betch!
I know, I know, these majors are actually really different, but they both, like, do math and build a lot of stuff so they’re grouped together in my mind.
The only real interaction I’ve had with an architecture student is the time I wasn’t watching where I was walking and almost knocked their model building over. Architecture and engineering both seem really challenging, and since I’ve never met either type of student, I can only assume they spend even more time studying than pre-med students.
If you’re studying one of these subjects, you probably played with Legos until you were 17 and did really well in subjects like geometry and physics. Since so much of your time is spent studying and building stuff, you’d better hope you can at least tolerate your classmates. From what I’ve heard, engineering and architecture students “like, basically live in lab/studio,” so you have to be cool with becoming a hermit.
Everything I know about architecture is based on Ted Mosby (so I wouldn’t exactly call myself the most credible source on this one), but maybe you’re aspiring to design a skyscraper in NYC one day! We love #betchesinSTEM.
While this isn’t technically an actual major, it might as well be. I’m not quite sure what pre-med students even learn about or how they do it, but anyone who has enough motivation to make it through a semester (or two) of organic chem is a better person than me.
You probably picked your major after binging Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. If you’re in pre-med, you have to be very patient (lol). You can expect to spend countless hours in labs and in the library. When you finally surface from the black hole of studying to go out, you’ll get stuck with whoever ends up puking, because “med school.” Your friends will probably treat you like f*cking WebMD any time they have a weird sneezing fit and tell you vivid details of alllll of their symptoms when they think they have a UTI.
Pre-med students should look forward to pretty much spending the rest of their young lives in school and residencies before finally starting to make enough money to pull themselves out of student debt.
If you’re just as smart as your pre-med friends (but with more people skills) and aren’t into the idea of a decade of school and a ton of student debt, you should consider nursing! You get to take a bunch of science classes, learn all about medicines and the minor difference between them, and in my experience, nurses are a hell of a lot more fun to be around and they get cooler scrubs. Then when you graduate, you get to do a bunch of the same stuff doctors do, only you get way less credit, are paid less, and treated worse! Exciting!
Spoiler Alert: Getting a 5 on your AP psych class does NOT mean you’ll automatically be good at college psych, trust me.
If you’re majoring in psychology, you’re probably not into letting your friend use Mercury in Retrograde as a reason to justify hooking up with their ex. It’s more likely that you’ll end up psychoanalyzing how their repressed experiences cause low self-esteem (which is such a buzzkill).
While some people who graduate with a psych major end up doing something totally unrelated, a lot of psych majors are truly doing the Lord’s work and making bank for it. Who else is willing to listen to the problems of bougie millennials and suburban moms whose kids have left for college?
What’s good, future Ms. Frizzle? Education majors often get a bad rap, but we all know that teaching is literally one of the most important professions ever.
Education programs are home to washed-up camp counselors, patient saints, and future trophy wives alike. If you can tolerate anyone from children to pretentious sorority girls, like coloring, and basically own stock in Michael’s and OfficeMax for all the money you spend on school supplies, this is the field for you.
Who knows, you might go on to be a kick-ass teacher and change some lives, Dead Poets Society style. If so, try reeeeally hard not to be one of those assholes who takes a full school year to grade papers because if it’s not abundantly clear by the 15 emails you’ve gotten asking for an update, students hate that sh*t.
There are literally hundreds of majors (and minors) you can choose to study, and this list just scratches the surface. If you’ve somehow gone through the whole course catalog and still don’t vibe with any of the options, your next steps will probably be to either create an individualized major or re-evaluate if college is actually right for you.
No matter what you decide to do with the next four-plus years of your youth, be prepared to spend at least half of that time pushing your body to its absolute limits in every way: hygiene (yes bitch, you do smell after spending three straight nights in the library), coffee intake (“is six espresso shots too many? I have a final tomorrow”), and stress levels, because you’re in for a wild ride. Good luck.
Images: kaboompics/Pixabay; off campus / Instagram (2); sadieoleary / Twitter
“New year, new me!” – Literally everyone for the next two weeks. It’s inevitable that you’re going to be spending a lot of time over the next two weeks drinking to make family functions tolerable reflecting on the garbage year that was 2017, and making plans for the garbage year that is to come. The year of realizing stuff was a full two years ago, and I think it’s safe to say that 2017 was the year of being anxious about stuff, but what does 2018 have in store? Well, there’s only one way to know, and that’s to take a hard look at what was accomplished in 2017 and follow it up with a detailed list of quarterly goals that you will hold yourself accountable for in 2018.
JK. It’s time to consult the stars and plan out your life based on whatever it is they say. Fucking duh.
Aries: Get Shit Done
2018 is going to be the year of accomplishing stuff for you, Aries. And look, it’s not all going to be easy. If Kim Kardashian’s iPhone game taught us anything, it’s that going from the D-List to the A-List takes fucking work. You have a year of turning down fun shit to do productive shit ahead of you, Aries. But don’t worry, it’ll all be worth it when you start killing it so hard you get Insta verified and you score an invite to the Met Gala.
Taurus: Let Shit Go
I know it’s hard to imagine, Taurus, but it is time to forgive Amy from your second grade class for starting that (actually true) rumor you peed your pants at her birthday party. Yes, Amy is probably still a bitch, but looking through your elementary school best friend’s brother’s Instagram to stalk her and make fun of her ugly newborn decision to have a family is not a productive use of your time. That’s right, this is the year of getting over stuff for you, Taurus. TBH, it’s been a loooong time coming.
Gemini: Invest In Shit
As a Gemini, you change personalities more often than a RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant changes looks, so who will you be this year, Gemini? The business bitch. That’s right. This year you will feel a sudden motivation to get your finances in order, and you should def answer that call. Who knows when you’ll feel like learning wtf a 401K is again. Follow this road as far as it’ll take you. It’s the year of investing in stuff for you.
Cancer: Fuck Shit Up
No more Mrs. Nice Cancer! This year you are going *off* on everyone and everything that you used to not say shit about because you didn’t want to deal with the drama your truth bombs would bring. Sorry world, we’re leaving giving a fuck in 2017. This is the year that you take the reigns of your own life, and stop pretending to like people’s shitty selfies just because you can tell how thirsty they are. This is your year of ruining stuff and, honestly, we’re excited for you.
Leo: Shake Shit Off
I have some bad news for you, Leo. There is haterism in your future. It’s not your fault you’re so popular, but you know what they say, haters gonna hate. But don’t worry, as long as you keep a cool head and focus on your own awesomeness (which has never been hard for you in the past, TBH), you will come out on top, as long as you remember that 2018 is the year of letting stuff slide. Yes, you might catch a subtweet from a coworker who’s just mad because you’re more fun at happy hour than her, but no, you should not reply via company-wide Slack detailing all the reasons she has no friends. Take that shit to the GroupChat where it belongs.
Virgo: Learn New Shit
The stars and planets are giving you a full brain blast this year and no, it’s not just your Adderall prescription. Basically, you’re going to be a genius this year, so you might as well put that hyped up brain to good use. If you don’t, you run the risk of becoming that bitch in your friend group who is always exhausted from having to explain shit. This year of learning stuff means that things like branching out, starting a Pinterest project, or taking a class in something random won’t actually be awful. In fact, it will keep you sane while your dumbass friends try to figure out wtf “net neutrality” means.
Libra: Keep Shit Real
Red alert to your entire friend group, Libra: You’ve been bitten by the honesty bug this year. For whatever reason, you just cannot see the value of lying about shit just to make people feel better anymore. It’s the year of being honest about stuff for you, and yes, that might mean you lose a friend or two along the way, but TBH, cutting people out is all the rage these days anyway. It’s like Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my brutally honest, you don’t deserve me at my two-faced bitch.”
Scorpio: Get Fit As Shit
2018 is bestowing upon you a fuckton of extra energy, and what better way to use that energy than to finally, actually, get on your fitness? Sure, everybody and their childhood frenemy says they’re going to get fit for New Year’s, but you like, actually are going to, because this year is all about health stuff. I’m actually jelly.
Sagittarius: Explore New Shit
Guess what, Sag, you have some travel in your future. That’s right. The desire to GTFO will take you far and wide this year, so we are declaring it the year of exploring stuff. If you don’t already have one, look into one of those nice-ass credit cards with travel points so you can hop on a plane easier than you hopped on a d freshman year (it’s cool, you were exploring shit then, too). But please, do not get any Chinese symbols, Sanskrit phrases, or the word “wanderlust” tattooed anywhere on your body. If you need to immortalize your travels, do it on Insta. Trust us.
Capricorn: Focus On Your Shit
Let’s be real, Capricorn. In 2017 you were distracted af. It’s not all your fault. Everything was kind of fucked, but this year it’s time to refocus. This year you’re going to set goals and like, actually remember and follow through on them. Maybe it’s time to get one of those bullet journals Pinterest people are so obsessed with to aid in your year of focusing on stuff. Also, it’s time to preemptively cut out any distracting fuckboy relationships that will dull your shine this year. After you get them to pay for you on NYE, of course.
Aquarius: Hustle That Shit
2018 is going to turn you into a low-key entrepreneur, and TBH, you don’t hate it. This year will be the year of the side hustle for you, Aquarius, so you should probably get that Squarespace account all set up. Whether it be an Etsy store for your line of subtly sexual cross stitch, or a line of alcohol themed essential oils, your desire to hustle stuff is strong in 2018. Embrace it. You could invent the next fidget spinner.
Pisces: Be Zen And Shit
“Ommmmm”—literally you, every day this year. You’re about to become that person in your friend group who went to one yoga class and changes her name to Shavasana. Embrace it. While everybody you know is going to be stressed af, you’re going to be clocking in hours on your favorite meditation app, detaching yourself from the material world, or whatever. Spiritual stuff is going to take control of your life this year and, honestly, it’s going to turn you into a legit good person, at least for this calendar year.
We all remember the days when half the fun of a sleepover was piling into a car and forcing your parents to drag you to a local Blockbuster so you could
walk down the sexy movie aisle and scandalize yourself pick out a family-friendly film to watch over some butter popcorn. Sadly, Blockbuster went bankrupt because the internet happened and people stopped leaving the house. Now Netflix is the name of the game, and it will be here forever, with parents passing their precious accounts down from generation to generation until the Sun explodes and we all turn to dust….or will it?!? According to a report in the LA Times, despite the fact that Netflix is literally a staple of modern life—it’s not “HBOGO and Chill,” after all—Netflix is apparently in a spot of trouble. And by “a spot of trouble,” I mean “$20 billion in debt.” Fuck. How could this happen? Literally, how the fuck could this happen? I did not go on 50+ Bumble Dates where some bro told me I “have to” watch Stranger Things for Netflix to be $20 billion in debt. I have been paying them $7.99 per/month since before I’d ever tried alcohol. What gives?
**Briefly considers buying own Netflix account**
**chokes on laughter**
Netflix has over 104 million subscribers worldwide, and its content accounts for more than a third of all prime-time download Internet traffic in North America. It has over 50 original shows and has gotten 91 Emmy nominations so like…how the f are you $20.54 billion in debt? Is that how much it cost to get the Fuller House cast together? I’m confused.
Apparently, Netflix is unconcerned, and they have no intention of ending their over-the-top spending anytime soon. Same. I mean, you know what they say, you gotta spend money to make money or whatever. At least, that’s what I tell myself every time I max out another credit card. Haven’t gotten to the “make money” part of that plan yet, but I’m sure it is coming.
Anyway, here’s hoping Netflix gets their shit together because I’d hate to have to start inviting bros over for sex under the pretext of watching something on Hulu. That would be so embarrassing.
United Airlines, aka the the Fyre Festival of airlines (or is Fyre Festival the United Airlines of festivals? Unclear.) is in trouble yet again for its policy of bumping paying customers off of flights that they purposely overbooked. Last time, it was a doctor on his way home to treat his patients. This time, it was a 27-month-old toddler who was forced to sit in his mother’s lap for the entirety of their three-hour flight due to a “mix-up in the United Airlines system.”
Note To Anyone From United Who Might Be Reading This: When given the choice between bumping an actual baby and bumping a human adult, bump the adult every time. People get like, really sensitive about how you treat babies. Also, get back to work. Your business is literally a dumpster fire of awful.
Shirley Yamauchi, the mom in this situation, told NBC News that she spent almost $1k each on tickets for herself and her son to get from Hawaii to Boston. After a five-hour layover in Houston (Sidebar: $1k each of non-direct flights on a disgraced airline?!? Somebody needs to tell this woman about Kayak ASAP…) Yamauchi and her son Taizo were forced to share a seat so some bro in standby could take it.
According to Yamauchi, none of the flight attendants said shit about the fact that she was just expected to carry a 25 pound human on her lap for the entirety of the flight which, considering that Yamauchi is only 5’2,” is a lot of baby for one person to handle.
Yamauchi said that she did not speak up right away due to “recent problems with United Aircrafts,” aka the time they broke a doctor’s face for refusing to give up his seat. Not really something you want to get into with a baby on your lap.
This entire incident comes just a few short months after United CEO and Person-Who-Should-Probably-Just-Give-Up-And-Move-To-The-Woods Oscar Munoz sent a public letter stating the company was going to “do better.” In his defense, while United did bump a baby out of his seat, they didn’t physically assault the baby, which is, technically, better.
Note #2 To Anyone from United Who Might Be Reading This: Maybe do a quick check to say “hey, are all babies seated comfortably and safely?” before shooting a giant metal bird into the sky. Just a thought.
On the bright side, Yamauchi did manage to get a refund for her son’s seat, in the form of a United Airlines voucher, so she’ll get to relive her amazing United Airlines experience all over again free of charge. Amazing.
United spokesman and Only-Person-With-A-Worse-Job-Than-Sean-Spicer Jonathan Guerin said in a statement:
“On a recent flight from Houston to Boston, we inaccurately scanned the boarding pass of Ms. Yamauchi’s son. As a result, her son’s seat appeared to be not checked in, and staff released his seat to another customer and Ms. Yamauchi held her son for the flight. We deeply apologize to Ms. Yamauchi and her son for this experience.”
Yamauchi, on the other hand, is about as satisfied with that explanation as you are with your fuckboy’s explanation for not answering your texts: “I saw them zap both tickets. There was no issue, no problem. They let us through. It just doesn’t add up. It’s very weird.”
She also is not satisfied with the whole “voucher” thing, saying “It doesn’t seem right or enough for pain and discomfort.”
Atta girl, Shirley. Get your damn money. As Ivana Trump famously said in First Wives Club: