Were Cole Sprouse And Lili Reinhart Broken Up This Whole Time? An Analysis

This just in, y’all: 2020 might actually be my year after all! Am I saying this because we finally found a vaccine for COVID-19 and can now shed our mole-people skin and live our lives doing truly wild things like breathing indoors amongst other people without covering our mouths and noses? Lol no. Am I saying this because my clip-on bang extensions finally came in the mail and I am about to look fire AF for my next zoom happy hour? Still no (but only because as my mother, hairdresser, the checkout girl at Walgreens, and Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet tried to tell me, I look like a prepubescent boy with bangs). I’m saying this because Cole Sprouse is back on the dating market! That’s right: #Bughead is dead. In the irreverent words of Dylan O’Brien: 2020 is f*cking relentless. 

After months of speculation, will they/won’t they articles, and a thorough breadcrumbing of the general public on their relationship status, we finally have confirmation that Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart have broken up. Yesterday Cole took to Instagram to post a picture of what was either a nature candid of Lili or stock image from Taylor Swift’s “Cardigan” music video with a caption detailing the circumstances of his breakup. In the post he wrote:

Lili and I initially separated in January of this year, deciding to more permanently split in March. What an incredible experience I had, I’ll always feel lucky and cherish that I had the chance to fall in love. I wish her nothing but the utmost love and happiness moving forward. All I’ll say about it, anything else you hear doesn’t matter.

Also her movie comes out soon! I’m sure she’s just as incredible in it as everything else she does. Thanks guys ❤️” 

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Lili and I initially separated in January of this year, deciding to more permanently split in March. What an incredible experience I had, I’ll always feel lucky and cherish that I had the chance to fall in love. I wish her nothing but the utmost love and happiness moving forward. All I’ll say about it, anything else you hear doesn’t matter. Also her movie comes out soon! I’m sure she’s just as incredible in it as everything else she does. Thanks guys ❤️

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@colesprouse) on

Let’s take a minute to unpack this. First of all, I love that he took the time to clarify the exact date range of their romantic demise. It’s like he knew I was going to research the astrological significance of this time frame so I could use this as a reason to justify why I was ghosted in the spring. Also, the phrasing of a “more permanent split” feels very much like they both felt the weight of COVID and the CDC’s wild guidelines for safe sex during a pandemic and decided their relationship wasn’t worth salvaging—at least not if it meant f*cking through a sheet. Sad!

I will say, as far as breakup posts go, this is very mature and very sweet. He even took the time to plug her new movie! I can’t even get my ex to complete my Venmo request for his last bar tab, let alone get him to do something like encourage people to support my life’s work. For shame. 

Cole’s post comes after a rocky year for the couple—like, rockier than the G&G plotline during season three of Riverdale. First there was the now infamous W Magazine cover shoot from the summer of 2019 where the two dressed in Twilight cosplay and looked absolutely miserable together, sparking rumors that the two of them were donezo, only for them to take to Instagram posting THE SAME PHOTOS with the captions “you don’t know sh*t” and successfully trolling us all. We were then treated to a year of musings about the couple’s relationship status, religiously stalking their Instagram feeds looking for any shred of evidence that the two were more than just amicable coworkers.

Then, earlier this summer, Cole was accused of sexual assault by an anonymous Twitter account and, despite speculation of a breakup, Lili rushed to his defense on Twitter. It was later discovered that this account had made multiple false claims and there were no charges filed against Cole. 

Which brings us to August 2020. In an interview with Refinery29, Lili talked about upcoming projects and her mental health. She spoke about how the coronavirus has affected her mentally, specifically saying, “The last couple of months have probably the most emotional few months of my entire life and my therapist me, ‘Your body’s going through withdrawal from love.” She went on to say: “You’re used to having this exchange of happy chemicals between you and the person that you’re with… In moments of my life, I have dropped every ounce of pride that I had just to be like, ‘Love me. Please take the pain away for a day, a second, an hour,’ just so I can feel that fix again.”

The internet, along with every tween Riverdale fan (and myself), took this to mean that the two had finally called it quits. Lili was quick to clarify on Twitter that her comments were taken out of context and she would like us all to kindly back tf out of her business, thx. She clarified that in the interview she was not talking about being depressed over her breakup, but rather the depression she’s struggled with over the last few months. 

A day later, Cole officially confirmed their breakup on Instagram. So, there you have it folks! Cole and Lili are no more. While I’m sad for them, I’m THRILLED for the added angst that’s about to go into their characters’ Riverdale sex scenes. Now, if you need me, I’ll be here googling photography and meadery conversation starters, and other ways in which to slide into Cole’s DMs. 

 

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Images: @colesprouse /Instagram (1); @lilireinhart /Twitter (1); @dylanobrien /Twitter (1); giphy (1)

Cole And Lili Broke Up Again, But This Time Feels For Real

For the six of you who are somehow still watching Riverdale, I’m so sorry. As we all know, we’re in a major period of celebrity breakups, and another couple has bitten the dust. Over the weekend, it was reported that Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse have broken up after three years of dating, and it seems like it might be real this time. I don’t know if there’s anyone who’s actually surprised about this, but I guess it’s still a big deal.

On Monday, People and Page Six both reported that sources confirmed that Cole and Lili are no longer together. According to the Page Six source, they “split before the pandemic hit, and have been quarantining separately.”  The source added that “they remain good friends,” because god forbid two celebs hate each other like normal exes. If this timeline is accurate, then I’ve got a long list of follow-up questions.

The biggest indicator of this split came last week, when Riverdale actor Skeet Ulrich slipped up on an Instagram Live. When asked by a viewer if he thinks Cole and Lili are a cute couple, he responded “I think they were a cute couple.” Lmao, WERE. His girlfriend, Megan Blake Irwin, chimed in, agreeing that they *were* a cute couple, and added that “they’re both beautiful people.” I love mess. How many angry texts do you think Cole and Lili sent Skeet after this? My guess is more than three, less than 12. How bizarre that in 2020, half of our celeb news comes from people saying things they weren’t supposed to say on Instagram Live. Mason Disick was ahead of his time.

As we all know, this is not the first time that Cole and Lili have been on the receiving end of breakup rumors. Last summer, it seemed like they allegedly (maybe?) broke up, but then they clapped back with that bizarre magazine cover and some smug Instagram captions. We never found out if they actually split up during that time, which is exactly how they wanted it.

But the current breakup apparently happened a couple months ago, which would explain last month’s rumors that Cole was hanging out with/dating/hooking up with Kaia Gerber. Of course, this led to a lot of speculation about the status of his relationship with Lili, but no one actually knew anything for sure. He seemed to respond to those rumors in an Instagram story, referencing “rumors and slander” and saying that “while I truly never intended to indulge any part of my private life to the ravenous horde, it’s clear my restraint in updating them has allowed them to push their own agenda onto my habits and lifestyle.” He also told everyone to “eat my delectable plump ass,” because of course he did.

I get that being an asshole on social media is kind of Cole Sprouse’s thing, but this couple has always rubbed me the wrong way. Cole and Lili have always been one of those couples who seem to want it both ways. Like, they star on a hit show together, and have done joint red carpets and magazine covers, but they always seem weirdly caught off-guard when their millions of fans are curious about their relationship. Of course, everyone is entitled to privacy, but Cole Sprouse has been at this a little too long to act surprised at people prying into his personal life.

I certainly wouldn’t expect any kind of confirmation from Cole and Lili on this one, but these sources feel pretty realistic to me. We always knew that this quarantine period was going to lead to a lot of shifts in celebrity couples, and now we can just add Bughead to the list of quarantine breakups. That being said, it wouldn’t shock me if they’re suddenly back together next time they have to do Riverdale press. The network heart wants what it wants!

Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com

The Most Dramatic Celebrity Breakups Of 2019

There are so many things to love about this time of year. The bottomless supply of baked goods, the wall-to-wall Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, the multiple consecutive days where you don’t have to change out of your pajamas, and finally, looking back on all the juicy breakups that happened throughout the year. I believe the phrase is “the best way to spread Christmas cheer is by recounting strangers’ personal pain loudly for all to hear,” no? Well, it certainly is for me. And this year, there were A LOT of celebrity breakups. So many, in fact,  that Ryanne even had to talk me down from one when I INSISTED you would all care about the guy from This is Us divorcing his wife. You can thank her in the comments. But let’s take a look at the rest of the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019, and really get in the holiday spirit! 

Khloé Kardashian & Tristan Thompson

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We are ready whenever you are little mama 🦋

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I had really hoped that by the end of this decade we would have stopped talking about these people, but it seems that is not the case. In fact, two members of America’s First Family of Reality TV made it onto this list. The things I do for you guys. I still can’t believe this breakup was only this year, but it was indeed back in February when Jordyn Woods foolishly cut herself off from the Kardashian juvederm gravy train by making out with Tristan Thompson. Big mistake. Huge. She claimed (on Red Table Talk) that it was just a quick kiss on the lips, but that was enough to seal her fate. Kylie threw her out, onto the mean streets of the Hollywood Hills, left to fend for herself with nowhere else to go but a slightly smaller mansion. Poor baby! 

This was the last straw for Khloé, who will tolerate her boyfriend motorboating models while she’s at home pregnant, but a goodbye kiss on the lips is OVER. THE. LINE. She also seemed to blame Jordyn for her breakup when we all know men are the ones responsible for where they put their d*cks. 

Why are you lying @jordynwoods ?? If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!

— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019

Maybe don’t pick a cheater next time, Khloé! 

Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott

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I brought the snow 2 da desert 🌵

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We might as well get on with the Kylie and Travis breakup, since we’re here. This relationship was a whirlwind. Kylie and Tyga broke up, and then she almost immediately got with Travis, and then she almost immediately got pregnant, because her mother was too busy selling her sister’s sex tape and building an empire to teach her youngest daughter about the birds and the bees. At the very least she could have showed her that tape! Alas, she did not, and here we are. Stormi was born in February 2018, less than a year after Kylie and Travis got together. Things seemed to be going well for a while, with Travis even telling Playboy that having a baby had not slowed down their sex life at all. Duh, Travis! You are still in the honeymoon stage! And you have nannies! I think a decrease in sex life happens because people are tired from the baby and also kind of sick of each other from being together so long. Two problems Travis and Kylie would not be encountering. But congrats on beating the odds! 

But then, October came and Travis and Kylie announced they were on a break. Guess that sex life finally slowed down, huh? They still appear to be close, and although I wouldn’t count out a reconciliation, this really was the end of an era for Kylie. Thankfully she has those billion dollars to hold her close at night! 

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth

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My love ❤️

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I’ve got to admit, this one hurts. I thought these two crazy kids might just make it. After meeting on the set of The Last Song *pause for audible sobbing* and dating on and off for over 10 years, they finally got married in December 2018. Then, by August, it was over. And that’s when it got messy. All of a sudden Miley was dating Kaitlynn Carter, the most annoying cast member on The Hills: New Beginnings, and Liam was walking around Australia looking like someone drowned his puppy. I haven’t seen anything sadder since we got my brother’s wedding photos back and it looked like my glass of champagne was my plus one in every single shot. (It was.)

THEN! Miley and Kaitlynn breakup (duh, she’s annoying!) and now Miley is with Cody Simpson. AND THEN!!! Miley got a tattoo that says “freedom” which is obviously throwing shade at Liam. A little dramatic, but okay. 

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FREEDOM #freedom #mothersdaugter #mileycyrus #singleneedle #delicatelysharp #tattoo

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But FINALLY! Liam is getting his head in the game and fighting back, recently posting a thirst trap. He looks hot, but we know you’re not that innocent, Liam. Even my grandmother knows what a thirst trap is. 

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*trapped* #CommentsByCelebs

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Cole Sprouse & Lili Reinhart 

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The sequel.

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This summer it was reported that Cole and Lili, aka the one sane spot in that bonkers fever dream known as Riverdale, broke up after two years of dating. OR DID THEY? This story was reported in July, but the day before they had been perfectly cordial at ComicCon. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “cordial” is the word I would use to describe myself post-breakup in my early 20s. Maybe “deranged” or “paralyzed by rage,” but definitely not cordial. 

They never confirmed the breakup, and then, they started f*cking with us. Lili posted a picture of their magazine cover together saying “none of you know sh*t,” and Cole posted the same picture, with a caption I don’t understand but I can feel like I’m being mocked, you know?

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UNPRECEDENTED: Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart consume the flesh of ‘reliable sources’ to fuel their bacchanalian sex cult.

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If Cole and Lili broke up, or if they did not, it doesn’t matter now, because they’re back together! I don’t like being toyed with, but I will take it if it means that Bughead is forever. 

Bradley Cooper & Irina Shayk

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Bradley Cooper keeps it casual in windbreaker while Irina Shayk nails off-duty sophistication in camel coat for bundled-up stroll in NYC. (March 19, 2019) Bradley Cooper lo mantiene casual con un rompevientos, mientras que Irina Shayk se une a la sofisticación en un abrigo abrigo camel para dar un paseo abrigado en Nueva York. (Marzo 1, 2019) #irinashayk #irina #shayk #bradleycooper #bradley #cooper #bradrina #nyc #newyork #familygoals #family #model #momstyle #dad #mom #goals #celebrity #actor #streetstyle #celebritycouples #2019 #dadstyle #couplegoals #smile #momgoals #dadgoals #celebritydad #celebritymom #ootd #candid

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I heard you all sigh when you got to this one, but don’t act like I’m the only one here who cares about Bradley Cooper. He’s still hotter than most of the men in Hollywood even when he’s pretending to pee himself at the Grammys, okay? So, last year, Bradley wrote, directed, and starred in a little film called A Star is Born, maybe you heard of it? *pause for audible sobbing*. Sorry, that garage scene haunts me. Anyway, his co-star was the inimitable Lady Gaga, and boy did people want them to be a thing. And then, Gaga and her fiancé broke up, and she and Bradley performed at the Oscars, making everyone believe they were in love. Guys, THEY ARE ACTORS. THEY WERE ACTING. 

With this kind of speculation, though, it was almost inevitable that Bradley and Irina were going to break up. In June they announced that they were separating, which is sad, but at least they did produce quite possibly the most adorable child of all time. Yes, I do follow celebrity baby Instagram accounts, and no I don’t want to talk about it. I would just like to stress, though, for all you believers that are still out there, he will never, ever, be getting with Lady Gaga. Because he’s obviously going to end up with Jennifer Garner, right? Where my Alias fans at??!

Hannah Brown & Jed Wyatt

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That one on one was something else. I knew I couldn’t have that good of a time and not tell her the full truth. 🌹 What did y’all think of last nights episode? Also, fun fact: THE BEHIND THE BACK SHOT WAS FIRST TRY. @gmb_chum12 must have given me some good juju..

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And finally, we get to the biggest Bachelor Nation breakup of the year. I think this one can be summed up by saying “men ain’t sh*t,” but you probably want a little more explanation than that. Basically, Hannah picked the incredibly poor man’s Tim McGraw as the winner on her season of The Bachelorette. And then, after she picked him but before the season was finished airing, it was revealed that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show and he clearly was in it just to get famous. FOR SHAME, JED! Tim McGraw would never do something so nefarious. So, Hannah dumped him on After the Final Rose, and went on to win Dancing with the Stars, and in general be one of the best Bachelorettes that the franchise has ever produced. She scrubbed him from her Instagram, but he didn’t because he still needs her to keep him relevant, duh. It appears Jed has a new girlfriend, good for him! Just FYI sweetie, he didn’t write “I wanna be your Mr. Right” for you. 

And there you have the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019. Count on even more Kardashians on next year’s list!

Images: khloekardashian, travisscott, liamhemsworth, winterstone, commentsbycelebs, lilireinhart, colesprouse, _itsleeas, jedwyatt/ Instagram; khloekardashian/Twitter

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Justice For Kevin

Welcome back, Riverdale fam! I’m sure you’ve been on the edge of your seat since last week’s episode when we learned that Veronica thought “film noir” meant “hats, but make it fashion.” Other things that happened last week that were just as upsetting as Veronica’s choice in accessories: Archie is single, stupid, and without a legitimate excuse to take off his shirt each episode. I’m v worried about his emotional well-being. Betty was still rekindling her relationship with her father despite the fact that he murdered all of her friends, and Veronica set fire to Hiram’s entire drug stash before Hermione could profit from it. I applaud that level of pettiness. And if you think that sounds like hot garbage masked as quality television, that’s because it absolutely is.

Jughead starts this week off by declaring that Riverdale is “Bizarro Town” and that point is driven home by the fact that the writers decided to give secondary characters a minute of screen time without Archie, Jughead, Betty, or Veronica f*cking it up with their personal problems. It’s announced that the former Sheriff Keller and the former Mayor McCoy are getting married and I’m here for it. In fact, please show more of it. Anything to see those abs.

Cut to Cheryl and TT who are fondling each other in bed. Really? Red satin sheets? Like, we get it. They’re living in sin. Lesbianism isn’t that shocking anymore, CW!!

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In love with next week’s episode of #Riverdale like these two crimson turtledoves.?❤️?????‍❤️‍?

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Cheryl says that she feels sooooo blessed to finally be sleeping in a bed and not in the tent city anymore. TT’s like “yeah we’re away from the cold and the maggots.” THE COLD AND THE MAGGOTS. I’m sorry, WHAT. I mean, I knew the Serpents’ tent city should be condemned, but this is outrageous. Also, do we think the writers got their inspiration from all the Fyre Festival footage and were like, “imagine where those rich kids thought they were going to a music festival, but make it where Riverdale’s discarded youth will live indefinitely.”

Meanwhile, Veronica finds out that you can’t just burn your mother’s drugs and get away with it. Funny. I thought the first time she’d learn there are consequences to her actions would be, like, literally any other way, but sure, have her first life lesson involve broken kneecaps.

Okay, yes I am LIVING for more Kevin/Moose content. Or really any content that involves more of Kevin’s one-liners.

I will say that it’s weird that all of a sudden the writers are pretending like these secondary characters are actually important. First Kevin and Moose and now Josie and Sweet Pea?? First of all, I forgot those two were even a thing. I’m pretty sure we saw one closed-mouth kiss from them, like, episode one and then it was promptly forgotten about. I wonder whose ego they had to fondle in the writer’s room to get a little screen time.

Speaking of random acts of kindness, The CW must think I’ve been a good girl this season because TOMMY HOTTIE IS BACK Y’ALL. Tommy Keller and Mayor McCoy are getting it on in a hotel room and I can’t even focus on the fact that they’re trying to shove more Gargoyle King madness down my throat because did you see those abs? I. Can’t. F*cking. Breathe.

Mayor McCoy finds a sealed letter from the Gargoyle King asking them to finish ascension night with the rest of the parents. Is it just me, or is the Gargoyle King acting VERY petty rn? Like, he didn’t get invited to the wedding, so now he’s blackmailing the happy couple to force them to hang out with him? That’s so disturbed inspired and I am definitely going to incorporate that into my wedding season strategy this year.

Cheryl takes a break from being fabulous to fat shame Kevin out of eating carbs and bond with him over his relationship woes, because I guess now that she’s a lesbian she suddenly grew a heart? Like, has Cheryl said anything nice to Kevin ever? I don’t know where this sympathetic attitude is coming from, and I don’t like it.

Kevin tells Cheryl about how Moose is afraid to come out and Cheryl is just like “you should move on.” Which is such a standard condescending piece of advice that someone in a relationship would give. 

KEVIN: I can’t go back to picking up guys in the woods.
CHERYL: Uh, no. Have you heard of dating apps?

THANK YOU CHERYL. Like, please explain to him that he doesn’t have to prostitute himself out in the woods. This is the 21st century, for god’s sake.

Okay, WHAT. Did Cheryl just out Moose over the loudspeaker in between announcing the lunch menu and dates for the upcoming pep rally?? That is so wrong, I can’t.

Archie finds Josie in the music room crying over her upcoming audition to Juilliard, and the whole thing just feels forced. I don’t like that they’re shoving this Archie/Josie relationship down our throats just because Josie is the only single girl left in Riverdale and Archie is contractually obligated to get his dick wet at least once an episode.

Elsewhere, Veronica is trying to figure out where she’s going to get the money to pay off her mother’s drug buyers. I guess half priced mocktails at her speakeasy’s ladies night isn’t going to cut it.

I’m sorry, but did Reggie just seriously suggest they rob his daddy’s dealership for the extra cash?? I’ve had pizza in my fridge for longer than they’ve been together and he’s already willing to rip off his flesh and blood for her? Damn. That’s devotion.

VERONICA: It’s lunacy. But it’s inspired lunacy.

No, it’s robbery. And it’s a felony in most states, you dipsh*ts! It’s certainly not going to be as easy as grabbing the money while your dad is at work. I swear to god, if Veronica’s solution to getting away with this heist is to go shopping for new wigs then I’m out, y’all. I. Am. Out.

Sidenote: why did this entire robbery conversation feel like foreplay? Can just one of these teenagers have normal sexual habits, please?

Meanwhile, the midnight club is newly reunited, and they’re banding together to finish the G&G game they started back in high school. Is it just me or have we seen this episode before, and it was called Jumanji?

SHERIFF KELLER: Let’s finish what we started.
ALSO SHERIFF KELLER: 

Oh, what do you know? I guess armed robbery wasn’t as easy as  Veronica and Reggie thought it would be. Imagine! Veronica shows up dressed for the robbery like she finally put her Thelma and Louise Pinterest board to good use. I f*cking can’t with her extraness lately. She is out of control.

Lolololol. Reggie gets shot and their money bag explodes with a dye pack, which is exactly the outcome these two morons deserve. Like, if they had done exactly one Google search in preparation for this heist, they might have foreseen some of these obstacles.

Speaking of morons, Archie escorts Josie to her audition because I guess The CW is trying going make this happen whether we want it to or not. Why else would he suddenly be besties with Josie if not to get laid in the very near future?

Josie starts having a meltdown at Pop’s because she didn’t get into Juilliard. She’s crying about how nobody loves her and she has no plans and her life is falling apart and it’s very similar to what I do every single day in my car three seconds after pulling out of my office’s parking lot.

JOSIE: *wails* But I killed that interview!!

ARCHIE: *completely monotone* That’s crazy. They don’t deserve you.
JOSIE: 

NO NO NO NO NO. You can’t just pair people up together because there’s literally no one else! This isn’t Noah’s freaking Ark!

Moose tells Kevin that he came out and he wants to celebrate by “doing it,” because that sounds like a person who’s emotionally ready to lose their virginity.

OMG WHAT. Gladys is the drug buyer Hermione is so afraid of that she would literally sacrifice her first born child to them. I’m shocked, because the only thing I find scary about her is her crow’s feet.

GLADYS: Oh great. More teenagers.

^^Something I say at 8pm every Wednesday night

Okay, she’s being surprisingly nice for a drug dealer. She’s going to take their tainted money even though she 100 percent can’t use it, and all she wants in return is Reggie’s car. Veronica, being Veronica, immediately acts ungrateful. She’s like, “but he loves that car!!” and, like, it’s either his ride or his kneecaps, you choose bitch.

Meanwhile, the Midnight Club is back and ready to party play with poison. They figure out pretty quickly that this gathering was just an elaborate ploy for the Gargoyle King to get to their kids while they’re unsupervised. Lol. As if these kids have ever been supervised a day in their goddamn lives.

And look! There they all are in various states of undress. The parents start calling all of their respective kids and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is in the middle of some sort of sexual act. It’s like watching a full-blown orgy on my screen. Tbh I think what’s more unrealistic is that any of these kids would pick up their phones that quickly.

Kevin is the only one unaccounted for, and because we can’t have nice things, his first time is ruined by the Gargoyle King and his gang. Y’all, I’m so upset. Archie and Veronica get to bang on every goddamn surface in Riverdale but Kevin can’t have one night?? #JusticeForKevin

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On this week’s #Riverdale, promises will be kept and hearts will be broken… And a sacrifice will be demanded…?????⌛️☠️??

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We find out that the Gargoyle King is actually Moose’s dad, Major Mason, which I could have called from a mile away. This is the only reason why the Riverdale writers gave any of these characters the time of day this episode, and it’s pissing me off.

Apparently Major Mason was jealous that Moose was seeing his former high school crush’s son. So, let me get this straight. Moose’s dad and Kevin’s dad were best friends and Moose’s dad tried to kiss Kevin’s dad back in the day. Why is this show so goddamn incestuous?? It’s like history repeating itself except they’ve all slept with each other in some way, shape, or form.

FP: You can’t just kidnap and terrorize your kid!
MAJOR MASON: This is Riverdale, what’s your point?

Well, when he’s right he’s right.

Gladys and Jelly Bean show up at FP and Jughead’s trailer and they’re moving in. They want to be a part of their lives now and I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the drug sale that went down earlier in the episode…

Oh GOD. Archie is back to singing and I don’t know what I did to deserve this. He’s like “yeah and the worst part about Kevin and Moose being kidnapped and almost gay bashed is that I couldn’t sing with you!” You gotta have your priorities straight, don’t ya, Arch?

Moose leaves town to deal with everything, and breaks up with Kevin in the process. He’s back to being the only gay person in Riverdale. I’m sure his next lover will turn out to be a homicidal murderer, because The CW doesn’t want Kevin to find love. Again, I say #JUSTICEFORKEVIN.

Meanwhile, Cheryl gets TT her own gang and even an early admission to college! Literally the only thing a boyfriend ever gave me was a handwritten note that said “we need more milk”, but okay. Their gang name is the Pretty Poisons because they’re “pretty by day and poison by night” and I am absolutely adding that line to my dating app bio.

NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO. Archie and Josie start making out mid-song because, while murder is Bughead’s foreplay, singing is Archie’s. I want to die. There’s absolutely ZERO chemistry between the two of them and I hate that the CW is forcing this relationship on us like they forced us to be okay with Betty’s BDSM habit as a minor. 

And on that note, I’m out Betches! If you need me I’ll be taking to my Instagram DMs to fight @writerras about justice for Kevin. Toodles!

Images: Giphy (4); The CW (2); @writerras /Instagram (2)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Personally Victimized By Veronica’s Hat

It’s Wednesday, which for some of us means it’s time to wind down with the acid trip that is season three of Riverdale. I’ve seen a lot of messed up sh*t on this show (cousin loving, murder foreplay, and a 16-year-old Betty stripping on a pole in a bar known for gang activity, just to name a few!), but I think we can all agree that last week’s episode was the wildest one yet, because the writers actually had the audacity to pretend like these kids were still in high school. I almost fell off my couch when they managed to incorporate one SAT word into the script without the entire set bursting into flames. That said, I have a feeling this week’s episode is going to be even more insane because Camila Mendes hyped on Instagram that we should get ready for “Veronica meets Film Noir” which should be…very painful. I’ve already decided I’m going to drink every time someone says the word “doll”, “doll face” or “ugly mutt” so, like, prepare my funeral now.

Once again we start this week with another judgey montage from Jughead. I swear to God this kid is always in a perpetual state of being on his period. Like, enough with the ‘tude!

He’s says Riverdale was once a “good, decent, innocent place” and it’s like, okay, but when? The very first episode of this show there was already a twincest rumor between Cheryl and Jason and Archie was raw dogging his teacher in the school music room. When I was 16 I was still shopping at Delia’s and reading Tiger Beat but, sure, let’s compare our high school existences.

Case in point: Jughead lying to his dad about Tall Boy leaving town while Tall Boy is stuffed under the cot FP is currently sitting on. Ah, yes. The good, innocent Riverdale we all know and love. FP isn’t buying his story though because he’s spent 24 hours as a sheriff and he’s seen some things. I’ve also seen some things, like the fact that FP is a goddamn snack in that uniform.

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JONES ???????????? #fpjones #southsideserpents #riverdale #riverdaleforever #riverdale4life #like4likes #likeforlikes #fff #follo4follow #followforfollow #l4l #l4likeforlikesback

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Meanwhile, Archie is coming to terms with the fact that he might only be a pretty face. What a cross to bear in this world! He tells his dad that he thinks college maybe isn’t for him, which is, like, a very diplomatic way of saying that he flunked the SATs. Lol. I see right through you, buddy!

Cut to Veronica, who wants Jughead to find the person who shot her father. She asks him this while wearing a literal fedora. Like, what in God’s name is she wearing on her head. 

JUGHEAD: Nice hat.
VERONICA: Thanks.
ALSO VERONICA:

Betty shows up at Claudius’ funeral because she thinks Penelope might have poisoned him, and also she doesn’t know how to mind her own business. Meanwhile, Cheryl is in full-on mourning, aka wearing a dress short enough that I can see her vaginal lips. *slow claps* Don’t ever change, Cheryl!

I love that Betty shows up to this funeral uninvited and then thinks it’s okay to interrogate the deceased’s immediate family. She’s like “I’m sorry for your loss, Cheryl, but your mom is a murderer and you need to step up and help me prove it.” Maybe have a little bit more tact? Idk. Cheryl refuses to help with Betty’s murder investigation, which is, like, very fair. Just because you wrote “detective” on your business card does not mean anyone isn’t going to notice that said card was made with a sharpie and construction paper. 

I guess last week Veronica was studying for more than just the SATs. She’s also been binge-watching Mob Wives, because now thinks she’s actually fit to run her father’s illegal businesses in his absence. LOL. K. Her first order of business is to fire his hired protection and replace them with Smithers and Reggie or as she likes to call them her “most loyal servant” and “jacked jack of all trades.” First of all, Smithers isn’t so much loyal as he is getting paid to work for your family. Also, he’s 80. That’s quite a crack team you’ve established there, Veronica!

Meanwhile, Betty and Jughead are off to track down Hiram’s mistress and potential killer but instead stumble upon a dominatrix club run by none other than Penelope Blossom. So chill. I love that Betty and Jughead are pretending to be horrified by The Maple Club when they actually just found a new spot for date night.

BETTY: Well, well, well, I guess Riverdale has a sex club now?
ALSO BETTY: 

Archie is…not doing well this episode. He’s getting wasted at Veronica’s speakeasy while Veronica’s new lover bartends and makes passive aggressive comments to him in between rounds. This feels very masochistic and like something I definitely haven’t talked my girlfriend into doing after she was dumped.

By far the most disturbing relationship on this show is between Betty and this coroner. Like, she just got her driver’s license and she’s hanging out with a man who looks like he wrote “pulse optional” on his dating app preferences.

Josie draws the short straw and has to take care of a drunken Archie. She’s like “you can’t solve your problems by getting drunk in a bar before noon” and it’s like, did I hallucinate that they were taking the SATs last week? Like where is the normal high school drama! Archie is acting he just lost his job and has a mortgage to pay when literally all of his problems could be solved by taking an SAT prep class. Please.

JOSIE: I think you should channel your anger into something constructive like your music.
ME: 

Betty confronts Penelope Blossom and finds out that Claudius was cooking Fizzle Pop in the old maple syrup factory, and that the runoff from that was polluting Sweetwater River, which is why every teenage girl in the town was having seizures earlier this season. I’m sorry, but this is not an acceptable explanation for me. Betty saw babies LEVITATING, and you’re just going to explain it away in less than 10 seconds of dialogue? That’s trash. 

Jughead tracks down Hiram’s mistress AND IT’S KELLY RIPA. My god! Does she own this show now? The entire CW network? Is Riverdale secretly being filmed out of her NYC apartment? Like, what does she have on @writerras that her and her family are able to hijack this show every week?? I’m sorry, I love Kelly Ripa, but Hiram was the worst thing to ever happen to this show and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Footage from this week’s episode of ‘Riverdale’ or a confrontation in the writer’s room when they tried to kill off Hiram’s character last week? WHO CAN SAY. 

Okay, WHAT. Hermione is also having an affair? With hot Sheriff Minetti?! I thought he was dead? Has she just been keeping him in an abandoned warehouse and bringing him out whenever she has an itch to scratch? This I did not see coming, but after a closer inspection of his character abs, I’ll allow it. I am here for this partial nudity. 

You guys the twists are insane tonight. In another shocking turn of events we find out that FP shot Hiram, and he did it because Hermione paid him to. That’s why he’s allowed to be sheriff, because it was a payoff (which is still not an acceptable explanation for why a convicted felon was suddenly allowed to become sheriff, but whatever). 

FP tries to beat Hermione at her own game and forces her to go on the air and say that Tall Boy was the one who shot Hiram. Like, who is this interview for though? I have yet to see one other member of this town who isn’t a) a redhead or b) sleeping with a parent/classmate/brother/sister/other estranged relative of a redhead, which has to be the only explanation for why there haven’t been riots in the street for the outright corruption taking over Riverdale’s town politics. I highly doubt regular townspeople are waiting with bated breath to see if the mob boss running their town will get some justice. PLEASE. 

Meanwhile, Veronica sets fire to Hiram’s entire drug supply and I feel nothing. That’s how I know this show is going downhill fast. Remember when Cheryl burned her entire home to the ground out of spite? And we all cheered? And I made the gif of her burning her life to to the ground the background on my computer and used it whenever applicable to real-life conversations? WHERE IS THAT RIVERDALE?

Iconic.

Okay, PLEASE tell me Josie and Archie aren’t about to be a thing. Archie’s giving her that look like she has a vagina and has shown mild interest in him, so now he wants to bang her. I can’t take one more Archie romantic entanglement. I just can’t.

Jughead tells Veronica that he knows who really shot her father, and it’s not Tall Boy, which is what the official announcement says. Veronica is still wearing the fedora and I am still feeling very personally victimized by it.

JUGHEAD: You don’t want to find out who shot your dad?
VERONICA: Eh, it’s Riverdale.

Truer words, V. Truer. Words.

The episode ends with Hermione shooting hot Sheriff Minetti for reasons that are unclear, but I’m sure will be explained away five episodes from now when we’ve forgotten all about this plot line and the writers decide to give it five whole seconds of their time to address. Anyways, I’m out! See you Betches in hell next time!

Images: Giphy (4); The CW (1); @cole_jones.oursmile /Instagram (1)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Archie Debuts His Breakup Hair

Welcome back once again, people, to another wild Wednesday night in Riverdale. Last week left us with a lot of questions, mostly what are the writers of Riverdale smoking, and where can I get some? There’s also the question of who would willingly rent out their cabin in the woods to a 17-year-old whose background check reads “high school dropout” and “recently incarcerated.” If I thought any of those questions could actually be answered without opening another plot hole the size of Archie’s vacation cabin I would have stopped DMing the writers on Instagram. But, alas, here we are. So, on that note, let’s just dive right in.

If you’ll recall, when last we left off my prayers had been answered Archie had been mauled by a bear. Lol. After the attack he slipped into some sort of demented fever dream where he realized that he is in fact the worst, and then tried to subconsciously beat himself to death. Again, @writerras WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??

Moving on. The episode opens with another judgey voiceover from Jughead. He’s making passive-aggressive comments about Archie’s new hair color, and this is a level of petty I aspire to. Like, your friend just barely survived being mauled to death by a wild animal and you’re dragging him for trying to see if brunettes have more fun.

JUGHEAD: He was now a stranger. He had dark hair.

You’re a messy bitch, Jughead, but I love it!

Okay, also, can we take a minute to talk about said grizzly attack? Like, the last we saw of Archie he was in the middle of nowhere, bleeding to death, and now he’s walking into Riverdale like nothing happened? I mean, he had to go to the hospital for those injuries, right? How in the hell was social services not called? He’s a minor! And did he barter his new L.L. Bean vest to pay the medical bills? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Archie goes to Veronica’s bar to let her know that he’s back in town and I sincerely hope she beats him to death with one of her mocktails. Don’t get me wrong, I love any scene that involves a man groveling, but Veronica is way too good for this dipsh*t.

VERONICA: What the hell happened to your hair?

Lol. Okay, guys, LET HIM LIVE.

Okay WHAT. Are they going to bang? Right there on the bar? What happened to Reggie? Aren’t they together? Veronica’s all, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me?” and when Archie gives her a vague shrug as his answer, she immediately suggests doggy style behind the bar. Come on, V! I expected more from you.

Guys, Archie has changed soooo much since his time in Canada. Not only is he brunette, but he doesn’t even have the same drink order any more! Okay, stop it. I’m worried now.

BETTY: Why didn’t you order a strawberry milkshake?
ARCHIE: I like root beer floats now.
HIS FRIENDS:

Root beer floats, Arch? Wow. Canada changed you.

Lol I love how Betty is all of a sudden acting like these kids go to school. She’s all, “Guys the SATs are this weekend, who all wants to study?” But when will you have time to study, Betty, what with all the murders you have to solve and adults you need to shake down? Hmm?

Betty’s card gets denied at Pop’s and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. The card getting denied part, not a teenager learning how to build credit. Please. She finds out that Alice is the one behind it. Not only has her mom maxed out all of her credit cards, but she’s also drained all of her savings and college funds and given it to The Farm. Because that doesn’t all feel like a culty thing to do.

Okay, STOP. The principal also suddenly cares about academics?? Why is this show suddenly being logical? Are the writers finally reading my burn book recaps? WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT.

I don’t trust any of this.

HAHA. The principal wants Archie to repeat his junior year and Archie looks shook. Like, dude, you spent the first half of the school year in prison and the second half as a walking ad for the outdoor store in seclusion in Canada. You can’t really be surprised that he can’t just pass you to the next grade because you look good with your shirt off. Come on.

Ah, so Veronica is still dating Reggie. Reggie tries to kiss her by her locker and she’s like “um excuse me but the guy who dumped me over a payphone and hasn’t responded to any of my texts in weeks is actually back and interested in me for five minutes so we’re done, k?” That’s it, Veronica, dump a guy who’s actually interested in you for one who thought the SATs was a new music festival. God. Veronica is me. I am Veronica.

Meanwhile, Archie is starting to realize his limitations. And by limitations I mean that he has the vocabulary of a boulder.

JUGHEAD: Let’s start with an easy one. What does “iconoclast” mean?
ARCHIE:

Lol. Yeah, this kid is going far. But not even as far as management at McDonald’s.

Okay, Veronica is bold. She gets all their friends INCLUDING REGGIE to gather for a study/welcome home party for Archie. She’s like “sit down lover and let me serenade you” and I just vomited in my mouth a little. Honestly, Reggie looks about as homicidal as I feel right now. Someone please make the random acts of singing stop.

Archie starts having flashbacks to his vision quest and flees the party. Veronica’s like, “he’s changed! He doesn’t even like my singing anymore!” And it’s like, did he ever, though? Or did he just like to get laid? I’ll let you decide, V!

Cut to the next day, and Reggie is going in on Archie for dipping out on Veronica’s ego trip public serenading. He’s like, “why are you such a little bitch” and it’s, like, damn I guess Archie has the right to remain burned. That was a good one. 

HAHA. Archie turns around and shows off his scars from the attack and I just snorted out loud. He supposedly got mauled within an inch of his life and it just looks like a cat scratched him. Is this a joke? Are those actually supposed to be claw marks from a bear? There’s barely anything there! Reggie, DO NOT be intimidated by this!

Meanwhile, Betty does what I do every time my mother asks me if I really need all those iced coffees and to “learn to save”: asks daddy for money. She’s like “mom can’t be trusted” as she speaks to a man with IRON BARS separating him from society. K. 

It turns out Hal was the OG Gargoyle King who poisoned Principal Weatherby back in the day. He’s like “they were all a bunch of sinners” and I can’t argue with that. Alice wearing crop tops during her first trimester! Finding out that Penelope actually marries her adopted brother! I’m not comfortable with how much time I’ve spent talking about that flashback episode with my therapist.

Also, is it just me, or is listening to their father/daughter bonding time a bit like listening to the last two minutes of a Scooby Doo episode?

BETTY: I solved your murders, didn’t I?
HAL: And I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for my meddling kid!

Okay, I totally forgot that Fangs was going undercover in the Gargoyle Gang. He tries to infiltrate what appears to be a Klan meeting, but with Halloween masks. This is so unsettling.

It’s revealed that Tall Boy is in fact the tree monster/pretend Gargoyle King who has been terrorizing people all over Riverdale. But, like, why though? This feels completely random and not at all like the writers played 52 pickup with the cast’s headshots to see who would be the villain this season. 

Meanwhile, Archie finds out that Reggie and Veronica hooked up while he was gone and he’s piiiissed. I’m not sure why though? Like, Archie, did you or did you not get a lap dance from some rando farm girl three minutes after dumping Veronica over a payphone? Yeah. Cry me a river, Red.

Betty confronts Penelope Blossom about visiting her dad in prison. I’m not surprised at all that Penelope likes to hang out in penitentiaries. That feels very on brand for her character. 

BETTY: Are you one of those sickos who fantasizes over serial killers?
PENELOPE: As a girl I did write love letters to Jeffery Dahmer. So, yes.
BETTY: 

Oh shut tf up, Betty. As if you’re not one of those sickos who gets wet from murders. You forget we’ve all seen your wig, honey!

I’m sorry, but did Archie just ask for one last bang? He’s like “I get it, I’m not very bright and I kind of suck, but can we have breakup sex please?” AND VERONICA DOES IT. Mija! Where is your self worth! You’re better than this, girlfriend. 

Fast forward to the next day, and it’s SAT time. I’m shocked the writers are actually going to follow through with this plotline. I guess Veronica and Archie test prep a little bit differently than me.

It’s not looking good for Archie. Jesus. He’s struggling to even bubble in his name. His combined score on the practice test was 600 so I’m not confident he even did it right on the practice run. He runs out of the room and immediately has a panic attack.

Meanwhile, Hiram is bragging about out-smarting two high school juniors and FP. Bravo, Hiram. We’re so impressed.

Wait. Holy sh*t. Is Hiram dead?? Did someone just shoot him? Was it Archie? He was all riled up after a long day of number two pencils and standardized test taking… 

Mark Consuelos’ best acting to date tbh.

VERONICA: He got shot sometime after you fled the SATs…
ARCHIE: Lol r u serious?

The boy has a point, V! In all honesty, I don’t think it was Archie. This is the boy whose grand plan to escape prison involved rushing the gates in broad daylight. Premeditated murder feels a little outside his skillset. 

Meanwhile, Jughead shows up to the bunker to find that Sweet Pea and Fangs have shot Tall Boy. They’re freaking out but, like, this isn’t the first time Jughead’s gotten rid of a body before. Body disposal is kind of his foreplay. 

WHAT. FP IS THE SHERIFF. WHAT. First of all, I’ve never been so wet in my life. My god, that uniform is everything. Second of all, I’m not even going to question the plot hole that is a convicted felon taking over a vacant sheriff position. As if there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over this. I don’t even care! As long as he wears that uniform from now until forever I’ll take it. 

And on that note, I’m out! If you need me I’ll just be googling “Skeet Ulrich smoke show” from now until next Wednesday. BYE.

Images: Giphy (4); The CW (3); 

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Archie Goes On A Vision Quest

Welcome back, Riverdale fans! After a too-brief hiatus, the show we love to hate is back and probably more batsh*t than ever. I’m going into this episode with a little bit of trepidation because I’ve seen what the writers of this show can do with only one week to write material, so I’m downright terrified to see what they can come up with when they’re well-rested after a four week break. Case in point: When last we left off, Archie and Veronica had broken up, Betty had escaped the nunnery/insane asylum and, oh yeah, Hiram and his thugs QUARANTINED the entire town of Riverdale just for funsies. Again, I say, this is what happened when the writers were given one week to let their imaginations run rampant. I shudder to think what we’re about to watch on our screens. So let’s get started!

Lol I forgot Archie was running away to Canada. Honestly, I can’t fault him for it. With all the sh*t I saw in 2018, I’m one State of the Union address away from moving there as well. It looks like Archie fled the country at the right time, because things in Riverdale don’t look great rn. And by “don’t look great,” I mean this would qualify as a national emergency if the writers of this show wrote within the realm of reality, but okay.

At least the quarantine was lifted, even though no one is explaining why it even happened in the first place?? Like, I’ve swallowed every piece of bullsh*t @writerras tries to spoon-feed me on Wednesday nights, but this I refuse to accept. An entire town thrown into a Purge-like state at the whims of a drug lord?? They’re in the state of New York, for god’s sake! At the very least, PEOPLE magazine would be sniffing around for a cover story to exploit to the masses. Please!

Since the quarantine, Cheryl and “TT” have apparently taken up stealing from the rich to give to themselves but, like, isn’t Cheryl the richest person in that town? I thought her family’s maple syrup paid for the town to, like, exist? Just because you wear leather and found lesbianism doesn’t mean you’re one with the people, Cheryl!

Lest you forget where you came from, Cheryl.

Also, Veronica is now selling booze at her speakeasy. I guess she finally learned that sober people don’t spend as much money. What, they didn’t teach you that in business school, V?

Also, I’m confused. Is she selling the booze to her high school friends or is she only serving people of age? Who would come to a speakeasy populated by high schoolers with a penchant for wearing fringe and suspenders?? WHO.

Meanwhile, Betty brought the runaways from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy to her house. They’re all camping out in her living room, and Alice is surprisingly chill with this. She has legit mental patients sleeping on a mattress in her breakfast nook and she’s like, “As long as you feed them, Betty, and they don’t mess on the floor…”

JUGHEAD: It doesn’t make sense for Hiram to quarantine an entire town.

NO IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, JUGHEAD. Thank you!

Honestly, I’m so over this entire Hiram plotline. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. First, Hiram’s big diabolical plan is to create more prison jobs, then he wants to turn an entire town into his personal meth lab. I ASK YOU: WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END. Kelly Ripa, please invest your money in some other show and leave ours alone. I’m begging you.

I love that all Archie needs is an L.L. Bean vest and he’s at peace with himself. Like, he is living his best cabin life, and I’m shocked things are working out so well for him. Whatever. I’m just glad the dog is still alive.

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Also on tomorrow night’s #Riverdale, the return of fan favorite VEGAS!!!! Who will protect his beloved Archie for ANYTHING.. ???? ❤️????????‍♂️

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Wait. I may have spoken too soon here. Three seconds into Archie’s blissful cabin life he’s… mauled by a grizzly bear?? I’m sorry, but WHAT?? I mean, we don’t actually see the mauling (shame); we just see Archie looking shocked for a second and then the scene cuts to him radioing for help with massive cuts down his chest. All I have to say is, wow. The lengths The CW will go to to incorporate a shirtless scene for Archie where there should not be one is wild. I applaud their efforts.

Also, what’s the deal with the radios? Who is he even talking to? I thought he was supposed to be living off the grid! Who wants to bet that the person on the other end of the line is a hot girl? It would not surprise me in the slightest if that even in utter seclusion Archie has somehow managed to get laid.

Back in Riverdale, Veronica is just trying to run an entire bar and maybe show up to homeroom this week, but Hiram keeps f*cking it up. His thugs keep stealing her booze, and he wants her to hire him for protection. I guess in addition to commandeering entire town, he’s also taken up shaking down underage kids while wearing a fabulous fur coat. Jesus Christ. Kelly Ripa wrote this scene, I just f*cking know it. The fur jacket is her calling card.

Meanwhile, Jughead finds out that The Serpents are dealing Fizzle Rocks and he calls an emergency meeting in Riverdale’s version of Hooverville. Seriously, Jughead is using an abandoned La-Z-Boy as his throne. I can’t.

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The Serpent Tribunal is meeting on this Wednesday’s all-new #Riverdale. But who’s on trial???? ????????☠️????????????⚰️

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Fangs is like, “There’s no money coming in, how are we supposed to feed ourselves?” Um, IDK, maybe your parents?? Or, like, the government?? Like, he’s under 18. Surely this lawless town has some sort of system in place to protect unaccompanied minors? Also, I love that Jughead, who is literally the same age as Fangs, is doling out judgments and punishments over here. Like, Fangs, look around you buddy. You’re living in an abandoned field and taking orders from the president of the newspaper club. Please, dear GOD, just find a real adult already!

Cut to Archie, who is having some sort of fever dream from his extensive grizzly bear wounds. He wakes up to a room full of dead people trying to play boards game with him. He’s like “I’m hallucinating” and it’s like, no, the writers of this show are hallucinating if they think I’m just going to buy this bullsh*t for one more goddamn second!

THE RIVERDALE WRITERS ROOM: We’ll put Archie in a fever dream and set him up with a vision quest. It’s weird, but he’ll be shirtless. Fans will love it!
ME: 

Veronica and Jughead come up with a solution to solve both their problems. Veronica doesn’t want to give her dad a single penny of her speakeasy money even though she lives under his roof and he’s probably paying her cellphone bill. Relatable. She decides to hire The Serpents as protection instead.

Jughead’s like, “This is so great now you guys will have a stable income!!,” and it’s like, okay, but HOW much is Veronica paying these people? Like, what do you mean “a steady income”? This bitch is 17! I was thinking like paying one guy $12 an hour and Jughead is making it sound like they’ll make enough money to cover Fang’s mom’s cancer treatment. Is she also supplying health insurance? How much money can she possibly be making serving mocktails and marketing a keg of Natty Lite as artisanal beer?

Before Veronica can hire any Serpents, she wants Jughead to get back the v expensive egg Cheryl and TT stole from her dad, which is like the richest request I’ve ever heard. Cheryl doesn’t want to give the egg back, though, because she needs it to keep the lights on at her mansion. Lol k.

CHERYL: I’m not afraid of Hiram. What’s he gonna do? Call the sheriff? There is no sheriff!

Out of the mouths of Cheryl! Riverdale is a godless town.

Jughead banishes Fangs, Cheryl, and Toni from The Serpents because they’re sullying the Serpent name with their criminal behavior. K. So, let me get this straight. They get to leave the tent city and not take orders from someone who just started shaving last semester? I mean, who really won here? 

Lol Archie’s vision quest wants him to play more guitar. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s going to use this whole experience as material for the next school talent show. God help us all.

The gargoyle gang attacks Veronica’s shipment again and it’s all very Robin Hood. Like, is that a wagon hauling their booze down that dirt path? They are aware that this is the 21st century and they can use, like, the highway to get places, right? Also, this is so extra, even for Veronica.

After defeating Hiram’s thugs, Jughead declares that “Riverdale hasn’t fallen yet” and I absolutely beg to differ. Riverdale has fallen somewhere very dark and I’m scared to follow. Someone please save this show from itself. 

Meanwhile, Archie is still struggling with his vision quest. He’s realizing that the only person responsible for his banishment to Canada is actually himself. Not Hiram or the Black Hood or the diabolical teen fight club, but his own ignorant self. Is this the part where we hang him in the town square? Because that’s the first plotline I’ve supported all season. 

ARCHIE: I have to destroy the part of me that’s stupid.
ME: I guess we’re going to be here for a while then.

Back in Riverdale, Veronica is out eye-f*cking Reggie as she headlines her own club. I guess she can’t spring for entertainment anymore if she has to pay for an entire gang’s health insurance. Also, does anyone else feel like this whole Reggie/Veronica storyline was only created because they started dating in real life? This feels extremely random to me. Veronica and Reggie start making out and the camera cuts to Archie who’s…dead?? Like, WHAT. Some cops bust into his cabin and find him deadass on the bed.

Wait that was actually real? Are pigs flying? Have my prayers been answered? ARE WE  REALLY DONE WITH ARCHIE? On the one hand, it’s everything I’ve ever asked for. On the other hand, if Archie’s not there to screw up a murder investigation or sleep with the first woman who gives him attention, what will I have to talk to about??

Well pals, I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Archie’s actually dead. I’ll hold off on the bubbly until then. Let’s just pray next week is less of a snooze, amiright?

Images: Giphy (2); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: But They Were End Game

After a brief hiatus, Riverdale is back on its bullsh*t to its regularly scheduled programing. Thank god. I don’t know what I’m more grateful for this year: my health and happiness or that Archie might be dying from his brand wound. Lol like I have health or happiness. Now, if you’ll recall, in the last episode five members of Riverdale High’s junior class managed to break Archie out of prison with nothing but a blonde wig and a stink bomb. A BLONDE WIG AND A STINK BOMB. If you think that sounds ridiculous and far-fetched, that’s because it absolutely is. What can I say? I don’t write the show; I just watch it. God help me. And on that note, shall we find out how far the Riverdale writers are going to stretch the realm of reality this episode?

The episode starts with a close up of Archie’s abs, lest we forget what he’s good for on this show. No need, CW, I know exactly how far KJ Apa’s acting abilities stretch!

Archie is still chilling in Dilton’s bunker/Bughead’s sex den with some sort of fever? Idk. He’s sweating and breathing heavy so he’s either trying to rub his remaining two brain cells together or his classmates did a sh*tty job of taking care of his branding wound. So you can solve town murders, break someone out of prison, AND make honor roll but your triage skills are only average? I guess you really can’t have it all, can you Betty?

Oh right I totally forgot about Jughead seeing the Gargoyle King last episode. He runs into the bunker and tells Betty what he saw, but it’s suspect at best. If the writers of this show want me to believe that Jughead actually saw a supernatural being and not just a manifestation of his cocaine addiction, then they need to try harder.

Betty comes home and Alice is only mildly concerned that her 17-year-old daughter has been missing for 48 hours. I feel like Alice is being way too chill about this. My mother has been known to Facebook message my boss about my whereabouts if I don’t return her calls by the time I get to work, and I’m 26.

ALICE: Did you help break your friend out of prison last night?
BETTY: No, I was just with Jughead all night.

I’M SORRY BUT IS THAT BETTER?? Lol remember when Alice used to get outraged over Betty wearing red lipstick and now she doesn’t even bat an eye when Betty says she’s been out fornicating with her boyfriend for two days? Simpler times.

Back at the bunker, Archie and Veronica are still banging on every visible surface. First Betty and Jughead, now Archie and Veronica. Please tell me someone is washing those sheets in between uses.

Archie wants to go find the guys that Hiram paid off to lie about Archie being at the crime scene, and it’s like ARE YOU STUPID BRO?? Literally the entire town is out sharpening their pitchforks over your ass rn and you think it’s a good time for a road trip? You know what, Archie? You deserve prison. Bye.

Cut to Riverdale High where the Sheriff is interrogating a room full of minors (without their parents’ consent!!!) about Archie’s escape. He’s like “if you helped him escape then there will be no more football practice or music rooms for you. Just prison.” First of all, I know for a fact that the Riverdale juvenile detention center has both football AND a music room, so you’re gonna have to try harder than that to break these kids.

He starts in on Josie and she immediately starts to seize. Why do I feel like it’s going to come out that this is another “stress seizure” induced from too much Adderall? I love that the writers of this show are like “it’s chill to bang your boyfriend in a prison locker room but just don’t do Adderall!! It’s a slippery slope.”

Lol I forgot about the tent city. Sweet Pea’s like “they’re tearing apart the city looking for Archie!!” and it’s like, no, sweetie. They’re just lifting up some tent flaps. This is not so much a city as it is dumpster site, but okay.

Okay, wait. Betty’s master plan for getting all the parents to tell the truth is to lure them to Veronica’s lame club with fake invitations. That’s it? I love how they’re all like “damn it, she got us.” I’m sorry, but, like, is there a gun to your head? No?? Then just f*cking leave! It’s not like you’re being held against your will! You’re adults, for god’s sake!

I think it’s funny that Betty still refers to Hiram, the man who imprisoned her friend and set metaphorical fire to everything her boyfriend knows and loves, as “Mr. Lodge.” Always so polite.

Hiram basically tells Betty to f*ck off and that he’s a very busy man and doesn’t have time to play Law and Order with his daughter’s best friend. THANK YOU, HIRAM. That’s what I’ve been saying here! 

Okay, WHAT. Penelope says that Dilton Doily’s dad poisoned the principal back in high school, which feels super convenient because he’s dead now.

FP finds Jughead and handcuffs him to the fridge so he won’t play any more board games behind his back. FP is all “you sound like an addict, Jughead!” And it’s, like, maybe he is one though? Because that would make way more sense than the tree creature thing.

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Honestly, there are worse things to be handcuffed to on this week’s #Riverdale…????????⚖️????⌛️????????☠️

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Meanwhile, Veronica is off running her one-woman innocence project. She’s determined to prove Archie’s innocence by homecoming. Anything for the Instagram, amiright, Veronica?

She finds some doctored video footage that could get Archie released and prove that Hiram bribed the witnesses to say Archie was the murderer. And by “could get released” I mean only in this REALM OF ABSURDITY because the evidence is flimsy at best. I would love to see her plead this case in front of a judge: “but the coffee cup was empty, your honor!!”

VERONICA: *finds evidence once*
ALSO VERONICA:

Cut to Archie, who did in fact leave the safety of the bunker and is off with Kevin to track down the witnesses. But don’t worry, people, he is wearing a disguise! A sweatshirt and a RED baseball cap that perfectly accentuates his flaming head, but a disguise nonetheless!! God I bet his parents wish they had never procreated.

Jughead tracks down Joaquin and starts interrogating him like a sister who had her shirt borrowed. There’s a lot of empty threats and hair pulling. Honestly, I expected more from a gang leader, but fine. Joaquin says that the warden was forced to play G&G too and that Archie had to die, which is literally everything they already knew. Jughead, maybe you should try saying you’ll tell mom if he doesn’t confess! That always worked for me.

Joaquin says that the warden met with “a man in a suit” and everyone thinks that means Hiram because I guess he’s the only one who wears those kinds of things. Jughead goes to confront him and I seriously hope he has another plan for getting information out of Hiram other than the “just please tell me” strategy he was using before.

JUGHEAD: You’re more than just a Kingpin, you’re the Gargoyle King.

Lol. First of all, I think it’s a stretch to call Hiram a “Kingpin” of anything. I’ve literally seen more frightening people on New Jersey transit. It doesn’t help that every time I look at Hiram all I can think is “Kelly Ripa paid for this role for you.”

Elsewhere, Betty is killing time at the coroner’s office. Like, can’t you just hang out in a mall or something? Why are you like this?

Also, calling it right now, the coroner is the Gargoyle King. That man and his shifty eyes are way too creepy to not be involved somehow. He tells Betty that Doily Sr. didn’t die of a suicide but was poisoned. Why he’s telling a high school junior anything other than “I’m calling your mom” is beyond me, but okay.

Archie and Kevin find the witnesses in a super sketchy cave. It’s unclear as to why this is the first place they thought to look. And before you come @ me in the comments, I’m sure this was explained at some point in the episode but every time Archie comes on screen I have a habit of blocking it out.

All of the witnesses are dead except one and OF COURSE Archie wants to him to a hospital. Do you know what it is to be a fugitive? You’re supposed to lay low. Not get in the middle of another murder investigation!! 

OMG WHAT. Joaquin is dead?? Jughead finds him in the middle of Hooverville Serpent territory with blue lips and a bloody symbol on his head. Honestly, it looks less like he was poisoned and more like he experimented with a Kylie lip kit, but I’ll let Jughead be the judge of what happened.

Okay,  but why does Betty have to turn every family dinner into an interrogation? She comes home, finds Alice cooking dinner, and immediately starts in on her for covering up the Doily murder. 

BETTY: Care to explain why you covered up another murder?
ALICE: CAN I LIVE?

MY GOD Betty, let the woman live! She’s over here making a three course meal, and your ungrateful ass is still hung up on this crime? At least she didn’t actually murder anybody this time (probably).

OH SH*T. The power goes out mid-interrogation and the Gargoyle King is in their goddamn house. IN THE HOUSE. They run upstairs and lock themselves in Betty’s room only to find some v disturbing makeshift grave on her bed.

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On tonight’s #Riverdale, no place is safe, no room is safe, as the King claims another victim…????????☠️????????⌛️

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Okay, but why does FP not look at all surprised that the tree monster showed up for dessert? Alice is, like, losing it and shouting at him about the Gargoyle King and he’s looking sketchy AF. Did you throw the pig’s blood on Betty’s bed? It’s not like she didn’t deserve it!

Wait, is Alice having Betty committed?? To the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?! I’m pretty sure you can’t just commit someone for being a morbid bitch, otherwise I’d be wearing a straitjacket rn.

Archie tells Veronica that he isn’t coming back to Riverdale because even though his name has been cleared he’s still afraid of her daddy. Also, this little goodbye speech of his is simultaneously making me want to cry myself to sleep and set fire to anyone with a Y chromosome. Like, what kind of f*ckboy-ery is this?? He’s all “you’re perfect for me, which is why I need to be in a different state from you.” 

VERONICA: but we’re end game.
ME: 

I’m not crying, you’re crying!

Wait does this mean Archie is off the show now? *crosses fingers and toes* WAIT WHY IS JUGHEAD GOING WITH HIM TOO THOUGH?? We can’t lose both heartthrobs in one episode! Do you know how many teenage girls (and myself) are about to fling themselves off a building over this?

Also, if Jughead is gone then who is going to save Betty from the conversion camp her mother just threw her in? Welp, only time will tell. See you betches next week, where it appears Archie is going to mourn his breakup with the “love of his life” by hooking up with random farm hoes. Kisses!

Images: Giphy (3); The CW (3); @writerras /Instagram (2)