Halloween is legit days away, and this is not a drill. On top of trying to find a costume that makes me look both slutty and punny (but mostly slutty) and simultaneously dieting to fit into said costume while I also shoving as many Butterfinger minis in my mouth as I possibly can, I’m, like, v busy. I’m so busy, I haven’t even found time to properly set the mood with a Pumpkin Spice candle get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to find the holiday spirit than by speaking to no one and doing nothing for hours on end? Yes, I’m talking about Halloween TV rn. Because if there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s how to waste my time television. I’m not saying that I don’t live a full and fulfilling life watch 4-6 hours of television a night, but I’m also not not saying that. I’m emotionally dependent on my Netflix account and I’m going to end up alone so fine with that. Whatever. My waste of time is your fortunate gain, because I know everything about every show and that’s why my hair is so big—because it’s full of useless information about fictional teen dramas. So here’s all the shit you should binge watch to help you set the fucking mood for Halloween.
1. ‘American Horror Story: Coven’
A lot of people would argue with me that there are other, better seasons of American Horror Story, but those people would be so fucking wrong. First of all, the savage one-liners in this season are actual works of art. That alone is worth giving it a watch. Second of all, it’s a show about a bunch of badass witches who aren’t afraid to throw acid on each other, murder innocent civilians, or blow up a bus full of disgusting frat boys in order to get what they want in life. AND they only dress in black-on-black ensembles. Honestly, they’re all inspirations, and I’m not just saying that because I dressed up as Madison Montgomery two Halloweens in a row. *whispers to self “who’s the baddest witch in town”*
2. ‘Stranger Things’
First of all, if there’s someone out there who’s reading this and they haven’t heard of this show/watched this show/read the spoilers about this show, then I applaud you and your ability to live a full and happy life. Must be nice to not be a slave to Netflix. That said, you should watch this show, like, immediately. It’s about more than just a bunch of kids who love Eggos and wearing retro sweaters, which is literally what I thought before I watched it. Also, if you watch it you can stop being the only virgin who can’t drive person on social media who doesn’t know wtf is going down in the Upside Down.
^^Literally things my friends scream about me as I vomit in public wearing cat ears during Halloween bar crawls
3. ‘Teen Wolf’
I’m not gonna lie, when MTV tried to tell me that they were going to reboot a shitty ‘80s movie and cast J.Lo’s son from Maid in Manhattan as the lead, I was v skeptical. I mean, have I binge watched worse shit on this channel because of some dynamic branding strategies? Of course. *cough* Are You The One? *cough* But unlike a show that promotes the spread of STDs singles trying to find love, Teen Wolf is actually some quality television. First of all, seasons 1-3 were pure fucking gold. It’s funny AF with just the right amount of paranormal nonsense going on. Plus, I want to bang Dylan O’Brien appreciate the talented actors on this show. I mean, anyone who can turn the pasty side-kick best friend into someone I regularly stalk on Instagram a heartthrob is really winning here.
4. ‘Hemlock Grove’
I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone even knows about this show is because this is where the hot clown from It got his start, but tbh I’ve watched Netflix Original shows for less. This show is like Riverdale meets AHS but weirder. The show is all about Roman Godfrey, aka hot AF town rich kid, and his BFF Peter Rumancek, aka hot AF town hipster person who is poor but can afford better skinny jeans than me, as they try to figure out all the weird shit happening in the small fictional PA town, Hemlock Grove. They start looking into a bunch of recent murders that happen in the town, because apparently all teenagers in the greater Pennsylvania area are amateur detectives who are smarter than 90 percent of the adults. *cough* PLL *cough* I’m warning you rn though, this show is weird AF and there’s definitely some cousin-love incest vibes happening, but if you can set your morals that aside, then this show is actually really fucking good.
5. ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’
First of all, this show iconic and should be the only thing anyone watches ever. Buffy is the best thing to happen to television since live streaming became a thing, and I’m not just saying that because I’m its number one hype girl. Not only has the show given me some fire dialogue to use in my every day life, but it’s also the reason why I am into vampires who can’t be with you because their eternal souls are at stake emotionally unavailable men. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s set in the 90s, so you really have to look past all the gelled hair and leather, but aside from that this show is fucking amazing.
This show is little like watching an episode of Law & Order, but with less crimes that are especially heinous and more supernatural beings. And if you’re thinking “isn’t this the show that’s been on the air for-fucking-ever but I have no idea why?” I have a solid reason why right here:
I mean, does the show have other good shit going for it, like killer plot lines, heavy amounts of sarcasm, and one beautiful bromance? Yes. But do I give a shit about anything other than Jared Padalecki’s abs? No, I sure don’t.
Before Edward Cullen assaulted our eyes with his pasty AF skin, there was Buffy the vampire slayer. Real talk though: Edward better count his fucking blessings that Buffy had better things to do with her time, like stop the apocalypse every five fucking minutes, otherwise you know she would have staked his hipster ass the first chance she got. Can you imagine a world without Edward whining to Bella about all the ways in which he didn’t want to
fuck love her? What a world that would be. Sighs. ANYWAYS, apparently it’s been 20 years since Buffy The Vampire Slayer first aired and I suddenly feel the need to start drinking during lunch because Jesus Christ we’re ancient.
If you’ll remember, this was the show that gave us the best one-liners to fire back at our mothers with when they were being like, sooo embarrassing. It also was the root of our desire to wear red leather and platform sneakers. But most importantly, it gave us the only question to ask if you really wanted to know someone: Are you Team Angel or Team Spike? But because I don’t want to
make someone cry get into this with people on social media, I won’t start this debate now. *Cough* Team Angel *Cough*
From her fashion choices to the way she got every hot AF immortal badass to profess their undying love for her, it’s clear that Buffy was a betch. So in honor of the series’ 20th anniversary, here are 10 reasons why Buffy was a true chosen betch.
1. She knew from a very early age that she was low-key better than everyone else around her and she wasn’t afraid to
brag talk about it.
Me when a guy on Tinder asks why I’m being such a bitch by not giving him my number.
2. And like every true betch she let her RBF do all the talking for her:
3. While other girls are getting ghosted by Bumble bros she had not one, but TWO guys willing to risk their literal souls for her love.
I’ll slow clap to that. Like, either of these guys could love me, leave me, and fuck me up emotionally and I would say “thanks for your time.”
4. And on that note, she had the original platinum vagine.
Sorry Corinne, but did your vagina ever cause someone to lose their soul/try and end the world and/or gain a soul/stop the end of the world? No? Then maybe you should think about re-branding those T-shirts…
5. She perfected the I DGAF attitude. Like, even though the apocalypse is coming she cannot even be bothered.
Me when everyone starts freaking out about an impending snowstorm.
6. She’s also, like, V uplifting.
Seriously, she should got into motivational speeches.
7. When her friends stepped out of line (which was always) and tried to pull something stupid shit like save the world or wear mom jeans with clear plastic inserts she’d be there to put them in their fucking place.
Words I whisper to myself every morning.
8. And she was ALWAYS having to save her friends from
getting blackout and taking home strangers vampire attacks.
9. She was full of
judgement insight into the human psyche.
That practically screams “Do not trust her. She’s a fugly slut.”
10. She died like, five times on the show and that still didn’t stop her from being the hottest cast member. And knowing it.
Tbh my only complaint is that she didn’t appreciate the true gift that was Anya.
Her appreciation for vengeance and sarcasm gives me the will to live. How can you not love this girl??
In conclusion, Buffy was one of the betchiest girls of the ’90s hands down. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be drinking like it’s 1997 again.