Halloween is almost here, and I say this with all the enthusiasm of someone who will be spending the holiday double fisting Kit-Kats and red wine. Look, I know technically Halloween falls on a Thursday this year, so it is socially acceptable to black out like you would on any other thirsty Thursday, but by god I just can’t do it. In fact, the only celebrating I intend to do is with my dog as we sit on the couch and re-watch our favorite Halloween episodes to ever air on TV whilst dressed in costume as Dobby the house elf and his prized sock (I’ll let you figure out who is who in that scenario). So, for those of you who are looking to go all out on the couch this year, here are the best TV shows to watch to get you in the Halloween spirit (without really being in the Halloween spirit).
Friends: “The One With The Halloween Party” (Season 8, Episode 6)
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Friends. I know, I know. Let’s tie me to the stake now because apparently that is an unforgivable sin. Sighs. That said, I do love a good Halloween episode, even if it’s a Friends episode. Monica and Chandler decide to host a Halloween party where Ross tragically shows up dressed as a spud…nik. No one gets his costume and he is appropriately shamed throughout. If anything, you should watch the episode for costume inspo (it’s seriously gold) and also for the hilarity of Joey showing up dressed like Chandler.
Parks & Rec: “Greg Pikitis” (Season 2, Episode 7)
Parks & Rec had quite a few Halloween episodes, but my favorite has always been the first one, which aired during the second season. Leslie Knope stands off against her sworn enemy, Greg Pikitis, a junior high delinquent who pranks the Parks Department every Halloween. This is also the episode where we meet Burt Macklin, FBI agent, for the first time, when Leslie asks Andy to interrogate Greg over his whereabouts and “maybe waterboard” him. To this day I wish you knew how much I regret not naming my dog “Pikitis” so that whenever she secretly sabotages me by chewing a hole in the crotch of my favorite leggings I could venomously whisper “Pikitis” under my breath. Also, Ann throws a Halloween party and it’s trash because Ann is trash. Watching Ann miserably fail at being fun is in itself worth a re-watch.
One Tree Hill: “An Attempt To Tip The Scales” (Season 3, Episode 4)
Were you even truly living in the early ’00s if you weren’t tuning in every week to watch the utter madness that was One Tree Hill? The show was about two half brothers who share the same scumbag dad and a love of basketball, but one of them is rich and one of them is a bastard. This is like, the least dramatic plot line of the entire show, and to illustrate this point, let me recommend to you the Halloween episode of season three. Haley comes back from her world (??) music tour and tries to reconnect with her husband, Nathan. She is a sophomore in high school. Lucas, also a sophomore in high school, tries to be exclusive with his f*ck buddy Brooke (baby Sophia Bush), and he believes his worthiness and willingness to commit must be proven via a killer Halloween costume. He chooses Tommy Lee. I think that says enough about how their relationship inevitably turns out.
Peyton, not being dramatic at all, decides to dress as an angel of death, and her father only gives a half-hearted shrug in protest to this alarming outfit choice. The episode culminates at a Halloween party at underage nightclub TRIC, where Fall Out Boy casually performs. Watching this episode live on air, my only question was, where I can I replicate the angel of death outfit to properly alarm my mother? Watching the episode as an adult has me asking quite a few more questions, like why is there so much leather during this underage party? Is it too late to call a hotline about Peyton’s obvious issues with depression? And what blackmail did The CW have on Fall Out Boy to get them to continually perform on this godforsaken show? THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer: “Halloween” (Season 2, Episode 6)
For those of you who are like, Buffy The Vampire Slayer? What’s that? SHAME ON YOU, YOUTHS. To educate you poor, misguided children, Buffy is iconic and, as far as I’m concerned, should be mandatory viewing in all schools, sort of like how that Romeo & Juliet movie from the 1960s was. The show follows Buffy, high school cool girl and avid scrunchie wearer, who eviscerates people with snarky one-liners by day and slays vampires by night. If anyone has a problem with that plot description, they can take it up with me and the pointy end of my stake, mmkay?
Any one episode will have enough monsters and vampires to feel like a Halloween special, but the Halloween episode from season two is truly something else. In an effort to seduce the vampire she has a crush on, Buffy dresses up like a girl from his youth: an early 1800s noblewoman. I took a similar tactic to impress the guy in Kappa Sig I dated by dressing up like a cheerleader one Halloween, complete with underwear that said “haze me” on the butt. To each their own I guess, Buffy! Things go amiss for Buffy and her friends when the owner of the Halloween store enchants everyone’s costume so that you transform into the thing or person you’ve dressed up as. Mayhem ensues. The episode is complete with treacherous wigs and even more treacherous English accents, and is an absolute must-watch.
The Office: “Costume Contest” (Season 7, Episode 6)
Like Parks & Rec, The Office has a LOT of Halloween episodes to choose from, but I think we can all agree that the one from season seven was the best. Pam raises the stakes of the annual costume contest by awarding the winner a Scranton book of coupons that could amount to $15,00o in savings. This leads the employees of Dunder Mifflin to think that the book is literally worth $15K and so everyone goes all out for the costume contest. Angela shows up in a naughty nurse outfit (lol I can’t wait to hear how she rationalizes that one to Jesus), Jim actually wears a costume, and Gabe is doing the most as Lady Gaga.
Stranger Things: “Trick or Treat, Freak” (Season 2, Episode 2)
Guys, is there literally anything in this world that’s cuter than watching 13-year-old nerds coordinate their group Halloween outfits?! I don’t f*cking think so. Stranger Things is fun to rewatch because it feels appropriately spooky and nostalgic, which is what Halloween is all about. Plus, at one point during the episode Nancy gets drunk at a costume party and yells at Steve. I’m sorry, but if drunkenly sobbing in a bathroom after fighting with your boyfriend isn’t a Halloween mood THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.
Gossip Girl: “The Witches of Bushwick” (Season 4, Eipside 9)
First of all, I forgot this episode of Gossip Girl even existed, let alone that it’s aptly titled “The Witches of Bushwick.” As a person who used to call Bushwick her
penance for past sins home, I can honestly say that there are, in fact, witches in this area of Brooklyn. Not to name names but there was a very suspicious incident at a vegan cafe wherein I mistakenly asked for creamer in my coffee and later became mysteriously ill. I’m just saying, it’s suspicious is all. The episode takes place at Chuck’s Saints and Sinners masquerade party at the Empire Hotel and it is PEAK Gossip Girl in terms of fashion and fighting. It’s a very Serena-heavy episode in the sense that Jenny and friends try to overthrow her while Nate and Dan both try and woo her. Also, Chuck and Blair are there and are perfect.
New Girl: “Keaton” (Season 3, Episode 6)
New Girl has always been the gift that keeps on giving for me, especially since I’ve always self-identified as having the spirit of a crotchety, 90-year-old man, in the same way that Nick Miller does. This is one of my all-time favorite episodes because we find out that Nick has been sending Schmidt fake messages from actor Michael Keaton FOR YEARS. Schmidt for some reason believes with his whole heart that the actor who plays Batman has been sending him supportive letters and emails for his entire life when in fact it’s been his mom and then roommate Nick writing the sage advice. I almost peed myself watching this episode—it’s that good.
These are the best Halloween episodes to re-watch in preparation for (or during) Halloween. If you don’t spend the next 3-6 hours watching this powerhouse lineup of television, I’ll be personally offended. Smell ya later!
Images: Giphy (5); Tenor (1); weheartit (1)
Halloween is legit days away, and this is not a drill. On top of trying to find a costume that makes me look both slutty and punny (but mostly slutty) and simultaneously dieting to fit into said costume while I also shoving as many Butterfinger minis in my mouth as I possibly can, I’m, like, v busy. I’m so busy, I haven’t even found time to properly set the mood with a Pumpkin Spice candle get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to find the holiday spirit than by speaking to no one and doing nothing for hours on end? Yes, I’m talking about Halloween TV rn. Because if there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s how to waste my time television. I’m not saying that I don’t live a full and fulfilling life watch 4-6 hours of television a night, but I’m also not not saying that. I’m emotionally dependent on my Netflix account and I’m going to end up alone so fine with that. Whatever. My waste of time is your fortunate gain, because I know everything about every show and that’s why my hair is so big—because it’s full of useless information about fictional teen dramas. So here’s all the shit you should binge watch to help you set the fucking mood for Halloween.
1. ‘American Horror Story: Coven’
A lot of people would argue with me that there are other, better seasons of American Horror Story, but those people would be so fucking wrong. First of all, the savage one-liners in this season are actual works of art. That alone is worth giving it a watch. Second of all, it’s a show about a bunch of badass witches who aren’t afraid to throw acid on each other, murder innocent civilians, or blow up a bus full of disgusting frat boys in order to get what they want in life. AND they only dress in black-on-black ensembles. Honestly, they’re all inspirations, and I’m not just saying that because I dressed up as Madison Montgomery two Halloweens in a row. *whispers to self “who’s the baddest witch in town”*
2. ‘Stranger Things’
First of all, if there’s someone out there who’s reading this and they haven’t heard of this show/watched this show/read the spoilers about this show, then I applaud you and your ability to live a full and happy life. Must be nice to not be a slave to Netflix. That said, you should watch this show, like, immediately. It’s about more than just a bunch of kids who love Eggos and wearing retro sweaters, which is literally what I thought before I watched it. Also, if you watch it you can stop being the only virgin who can’t drive person on social media who doesn’t know wtf is going down in the Upside Down.
^^Literally things my friends scream about me as I vomit in public wearing cat ears during Halloween bar crawls
3. ‘Teen Wolf’
I’m not gonna lie, when MTV tried to tell me that they were going to reboot a shitty ‘80s movie and cast J.Lo’s son from Maid in Manhattan as the lead, I was v skeptical. I mean, have I binge watched worse shit on this channel because of some dynamic branding strategies? Of course. *cough* Are You The One? *cough* But unlike a show that promotes the spread of STDs singles trying to find love, Teen Wolf is actually some quality television. First of all, seasons 1-3 were pure fucking gold. It’s funny AF with just the right amount of paranormal nonsense going on. Plus, I want to bang Dylan O’Brien appreciate the talented actors on this show. I mean, anyone who can turn the pasty side-kick best friend into someone I regularly stalk on Instagram a heartthrob is really winning here.
4. ‘Hemlock Grove’
I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone even knows about this show is because this is where the hot clown from It got his start, but tbh I’ve watched Netflix Original shows for less. This show is like Riverdale meets AHS but weirder. The show is all about Roman Godfrey, aka hot AF town rich kid, and his BFF Peter Rumancek, aka hot AF town hipster person who is poor but can afford better skinny jeans than me, as they try to figure out all the weird shit happening in the small fictional PA town, Hemlock Grove. They start looking into a bunch of recent murders that happen in the town, because apparently all teenagers in the greater Pennsylvania area are amateur detectives who are smarter than 90 percent of the adults. *cough* PLL *cough* I’m warning you rn though, this show is weird AF and there’s definitely some cousin-love incest vibes happening, but if you can set your morals that aside, then this show is actually really fucking good.
5. ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’
First of all, this show iconic and should be the only thing anyone watches ever. Buffy is the best thing to happen to television since live streaming became a thing, and I’m not just saying that because I’m its number one hype girl. Not only has the show given me some fire dialogue to use in my every day life, but it’s also the reason why I am into vampires who can’t be with you because their eternal souls are at stake emotionally unavailable men. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s set in the 90s, so you really have to look past all the gelled hair and leather, but aside from that this show is fucking amazing.
This show is little like watching an episode of Law & Order, but with less crimes that are especially heinous and more supernatural beings. And if you’re thinking “isn’t this the show that’s been on the air for-fucking-ever but I have no idea why?” I have a solid reason why right here:
I mean, does the show have other good shit going for it, like killer plot lines, heavy amounts of sarcasm, and one beautiful bromance? Yes. But do I give a shit about anything other than Jared Padalecki’s abs? No, I sure don’t.
Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!
Before Edward Cullen assaulted our eyes with his pasty AF skin, there was Buffy the vampire slayer. Real talk though: Edward better count his fucking blessings that Buffy had better things to do with her time, like stop the apocalypse every five fucking minutes, otherwise you know she would have staked his hipster ass the first chance she got. Can you imagine a world without Edward whining to Bella about all the ways in which he didn’t want to
fuck love her? What a world that would be. Sighs. ANYWAYS, apparently it’s been 20 years since Buffy The Vampire Slayer first aired and I suddenly feel the need to start drinking during lunch because Jesus Christ we’re ancient.
If you’ll remember, this was the show that gave us the best one-liners to fire back at our mothers with when they were being like, sooo embarrassing. It also was the root of our desire to wear red leather and platform sneakers. But most importantly, it gave us the only question to ask if you really wanted to know someone: Are you Team Angel or Team Spike? But because I don’t want to
make someone cry get into this with people on social media, I won’t start this debate now. *Cough* Team Angel *Cough*
From her fashion choices to the way she got every hot AF immortal badass to profess their undying love for her, it’s clear that Buffy was a betch. So in honor of the series’ 20th anniversary, here are 10 reasons why Buffy was a true chosen betch.
1. She knew from a very early age that she was low-key better than everyone else around her and she wasn’t afraid to
brag talk about it.
Me when a guy on Tinder asks why I’m being such a bitch by not giving him my number.
2. And like every true betch she let her RBF do all the talking for her:
3. While other girls are getting ghosted by Bumble bros she had not one, but TWO guys willing to risk their literal souls for her love.
I’ll slow clap to that. Like, either of these guys could love me, leave me, and fuck me up emotionally and I would say “thanks for your time.”
4. And on that note, she had the original platinum vagine.
Sorry Corinne, but did your vagina ever cause someone to lose their soul/try and end the world and/or gain a soul/stop the end of the world? No? Then maybe you should think about re-branding those T-shirts…
5. She perfected the I DGAF attitude. Like, even though the apocalypse is coming she cannot even be bothered.
Me when everyone starts freaking out about an impending snowstorm.
6. She’s also, like, V uplifting.
Seriously, she should got into motivational speeches.
7. When her friends stepped out of line (which was always) and tried to pull something stupid shit like save the world or wear mom jeans with clear plastic inserts she’d be there to put them in their fucking place.
Words I whisper to myself every morning.
8. And she was ALWAYS having to save her friends from
getting blackout and taking home strangers vampire attacks.
9. She was full of
judgement insight into the human psyche.
That practically screams “Do not trust her. She’s a fugly slut.”
10. She died like, five times on the show and that still didn’t stop her from being the hottest cast member. And knowing it.
Tbh my only complaint is that she didn’t appreciate the true gift that was Anya.
Her appreciation for vengeance and sarcasm gives me the will to live. How can you not love this girl??
In conclusion, Buffy was one of the betchiest girls of the ’90s hands down. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be drinking like it’s 1997 again.