Today Donald Trump released his America First budget proposal for 2018 and, Nazi-ish name aside, it’s…extra. Could 2018 be worse than 2017? Will 2017 be worse than 2016? This budget signals that the answer is yes. Most of it is the shit that we’ve all come to expect from President Twitter. Huge increases in defense spending, funds to bill the wall, and a giant financial “fuck you” to things like clean air and poor people (Just be rich already!!!!).
Now before you go all freaking out and trying to snag a husband on Canadian Twitter, you can chill a little bit. Take a Xanax. Calm down. This budget isn’t necessarily what is going to happen, it’s just what Trump wants to see happen. It’s like when you went away to college and told your parents you were going to need another $500 per month for social events and dinners and they countered that buy buying you the slightly more expensive meal plan. All we need to stop this budget from happening is for a couple republicans in Congress to stand up to Trump’s agenda and—oh wait you’re right, we’re totally fucked.
Like most government things, Trump’s actual budget proposal is really long and boring. As if Trump has ever read anything that’s 62 pages long in his life. So, in order to explain something that is boring that we hate, let’s use something that is entertaining that we love—in this instance, the Kardashians.
$52.8 Billion Increase In Defense Spending
Yep, the U.S. military—aka the greatest military force in the world—is going on steroids. Because that’s what the world needs: a roided out America with a reality TV star calling the shots. This would make sense if we were like…in a war. So basically, the US’ entire foreign policy is about to be:
$44.1 Billion Increase In Homeland Security
The Dept. of Homeland Security handles immigration enforcement and counterterrorism, so it make sense that our dear leader has such a boner for them. Given that increased ICE raids already have immigrants cancelling their food stamps for fear Trump will deport them, this one is like, actually pretty…
$1.5 Billion To Build The Fucking Wall
So yeah, Mexico ain’t payin’ for shit. We’re paying for it. Our taxes are going to pay to build a wall along our southern border even though 40% of illegal aliens enter our country via airplane and 58% of illegal immigrants are not from fucking Mexico. So, yeah:
$5.7 Billion In Cuts To The EPA
Take a good look outside your window. Do you see a tree? Savor that tree. Imprint its memory into your mind. That tree, and all others of its kind, might not be around for very much longer. But hey, at least the increase of oil spills that render the ocean unswim-able will prevent tragedies like the following one from ever happening again:
$27.1 Billion In Cuts To The State Department
If increasing military spending by $52 billion didn’t make you think, “hmm sounds like the president wants us to go to war,” then maybe $52 billion in military spending paired with $27 billion in cuts to the State Department—aka diplomacy—might get you there. So yeah, now that their budget is slashed, you can expect all our foreign service professionals to be rolling into Russia like:
$17.9 Billion In Cuts To Department of Agriculture
The Dept. of Agriculture is generally in charge of all the USA’s farm chores. Which might have you thinking:
Yeah, so that’s a Corinne meme and not the Kardashians, but you see why we had to use it.
Anyway, one of the USDA’s most important farm chores is looking at the food that you eat and making sure it’s like, safe and shit. They’re also responsible for making sure that all the amazing shit in your mom’s medicine cabinet actually works and won’t fucking kill you. So start stocking up on the good shit now, and maybe get one of those Pinterest window gardens going now so that you know the strawberries you’re eating are really strawberries and not just playdough in the shape of a strawberry. This is obvi a huge problem because:
Eliminates Funding For 19 Federal Agencies
The biggest “fuck you” to the world in Trump’s budget comes from the complete elimination of funding from 19 federal agencies. But I’m sure these agencies are like…totally useless right? Like, they’re basically the carbs of agencies, and America is trying to get its bikini body. Let’s take a look now at exactly all the empty calories Trump will be eliminating from the American diet. So next time some agency gets all upset about losing funding, Trump can be like:
African Development Foundation: Because Africa is obviously developed at this point. I’ve heard they even have the internet in some cities.
Appalachian Regional Commission: I thought Appalachia was Trump country? Could it be that the president doesn’t GAF about his supporters? Or maybe he’s just like:
Chemical Safety Board: “Chemicals are safe. Period.” — Sean Spicer in two years when the chemicals in wet wipes burn a baby’s face off.
Corporation for National and Community Service: Umm I did enough community service after my underage drinking charge in college, tyvm.
Corporation for Public Broadcasting: Sorry, Big Bird. Try getting a real job, asshole.
Delta Regional Authority: Don’t know what this is. Apparently has to do with “regional economies.” Now regional economies be like:
Denali Commission: Provides job training and other economic development to rural communities. The same rural communities that voted for Trump because they have no jobs? TBD. Either way, they’re lame.
Institute of Museum and Library Sciences: You know this one is because a librarian shushed Trump in sixth grade and he never forgot it.
Inter-American Foundation: Funds development projects in Latin America and the Caribbean. Because like, the Kardashians already went to Cuba. The region is good.
Trade and Development Agency: The USTDA helps “create U.S. jobs through the export of U.S. goods and services” so like…wait…isn’t that Trump’s whole thing? I’m lost.
Legal Services Corporation: Strange considering how many lawyers Trump has needed just in his first 50 days as president.
National Endowment for the Arts: Shoulda listened to my uncle when he told me a Liberal Arts degree wasn’t worth shit.
National Endowment for the Humanities: Again. Should have listened to my uncle.
Neighborhood Reinvestment Corporation: All neighborhood investment will now be done via bake sale.
Northern Border Regional Commission: This one makes sense. What Canadian would try to cross over our border at this point anyway? Any Canadian in the U.S. is almost certainly like:
Overseas Private Investment Corporation: Seems like something he would keep but then again the word “overseas” is in there so…
U.S. Institute for Peace: Truly can’t think of a single reason why this would be necessary.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Okay cool so we’re gonna stop helping homeless people now? Okay…
Woodrow Wilson Center for International Scholar: Again, anything with the word “international” must go, even if it is one of the top 10 think tanks in the world.
So, there’s a whole bunch of other shit in this budget, but this article is quickly becoming a novel and given the cuts to arts funding, I’m not writing a fucking book for free, but to sum it all up:
And, for no particular reason, this post has moved you to call your representative in Congress. You can do that here.