Have you ever found yourself watching Britney Spears’ “Toxic” music video and thinking, “Wow, I should totes join the Mile High Club”? Of course you have, you’re only human, babe. As a member of the club, I’m here to tell you all of the important tips if you’re dying to join. First, I have to tell you that initiation isn’t nearly as hot as when Britney rubbed her ass all over that guy’s d*ck in the airplane bathroom, but it is fun and exciting. Plus, it’s something you get to brag about and bring up constantly, which is what’s really important. Whether you’re playing it cool or bragging about it on your Instagram story for everyone to see, this will be one of your proudest achievements.
Literally not a soul:
Me: I’m actually in the Mile High Club, so000.
If this sounds like something you’re interested in, I’m here to help. My partner and I had joining the mile high club on our bucket list for a while, and now that we have been able to check it off, we want others to feel the same sense of accomplishment, adrenaline, and excruciating leg cramps.
1. Get On The Flight Attendants’ Good Side
Like anyone in customer service, flight attendants are often treated like sh*t. So, just like anyone who has ever worked in customer service, they are one hundred percent over everyone’s bullsh*t. The minute you walk on a plane, they have probably decided you’re just another whiney, high-maintenance bitch who requires two lemons for your sparkling water, and will hand them your dirty tissues when they come around to collect trash. Your job here is to prove them wrong. I mean, you should always be nice to flight attendants, but in this case you should really go the extra mile (heh). Be gracious, compliment their shoes, laugh at their jokes. This way, the people who could potentially get in the way of you joining the club may consider looking the other way.
2. Make A Plan
Even if you decide to embark on this journey with the hot stranger sitting next to you, you should work out an entrance and exit strategy before you dive in. You’ll have to go one at a time, and you’ll need a secret knock to make sure you know if it’s your teammate on the other side of the door. As for exiting, this depends on how much you care about shame. If you wanna make a dramatic exit and walk out together to let the entire flight know you just hit up the bone zone, have at it. I personally ran out and made my partner wait a few moments before following, but this is mostly because I was raised Catholic and am terrified of getting in trouble with the grown-ups, even as an adult woman.
3. Wait Until Most People Are Asleep
This is a lot easier if you are on 1) a long flight and 2) an overnight flight, but most people do fall asleep at some point during a flight. Pay attention to this, and at the moment when people start to go into their gross plane wine coma, make your move. During this time, flight attendants aren’t walking up and down the aisle as much, so it’s more likely that the coast will be clear. Plus, this will decrease the likelihood of other passengers getting up to use the bathroom and getting in the way of your fun. Let the nerds sleep while you become a new woman/man.
4. Don’t Expect The Sex To Be Good
I cannot stress this enough. Airplane bathrooms are small and smelly, and for some reason every inch of them is always covered in water. It’s not cute in there. There’s barely enough room for two people (this feels like an intentional attack), let alone enough room for two people to comfortably f*ck. You can either try to have sex on the toilet, which is kinda gross, or you can try to do it standing up, which is also uncomfortable. Expect a lot of maneuvering, bumping of knees, and moments when the d*ck just won’t stay in. Sadly, these probably aren’t sex positions that will lead to higher confidence, but you win some, you lose some. I would be impressed by anyone who climaxes during this trying time. For me, we considered it good once there was approximately 30 seconds of intercourse, high-fived, and then GTFO.
5. Tell All Your Friends
Congratulations, you are now officially a member of the Mile High Club, and are therefore given the right/privilege to ruin all social engagements by not shutting the f*ck up about it. Enjoy!
Any more questions? Hmu in the comments, and I’ll be happy to pretend that I’m an expert. Let me know if you’ve had any luck joining the Mile High Club, because hearing these stories really never gets old. Life is short, so why not have sex on a plane?
Images: NeONBRAND / Unsplash; Giphy (6)
New York fucking City is not only the best city in the entire U.S., but in the entire world. I’ll pretend like you didn’t already know that, though. If you live here, you know that putting up with a disgusting amount of man buns, rat-infested subways, and questionable drug pushers is all worth it because no other place will ever be good enough. If you don’t live here, then I know you wish you did—otherwise, you would’ve never applied to NYU for grad school to begin with. The city is home to rooftops you can simultaneously tan and blackout at (a betch’s two talents), Instagram-worthy food you won’t find anywhere else, and a shit ton of your favorite celebrities because all those songs about NYC aren’t just for nothing.
Whether you’re a true New Yorker or (annoying) tourist, I’m sure you think you’ve hit up plenty of boujee rooftops and overpriced festivals in the past few months but there’s only six weeks of this
life-threatening heat wave summer left. It’s time to really amp up the crucial areas of your life (social, sex, Instagram) with the most perfect (and only) summer bucket list you’ll need. Realistically, if you’re seriously bored in New York City, then it’s your own goddamn fault.
^^^ Literally every time someone gets kicked out of a bar in the city.
1. Watch An Outdoor Movie With A View
Since suburbs or anything resembling John Deere-obsessed hicks are a foreign concept to those of us who are only outdoorsy in the sense that we enjoy blacking out on rooftops, that means drive-in theaters are pretty much non-existent, too. That is unless you’re willing to drive like, an hour away, aka
I literally don’t have my license that’s not happening. Get the same experience, only better, by visiting Bryant Park on Monday nights or Brooklyn Bridge Park on Thursday nights for free film viewings. Ditch the Netflix and chill for once and bring the blanket here instead. Best part? It’s free.
2. Buy Something With Too Many Calories At Smorgasburg
Even if you go every
weekend year, there will always be new additions to the city’s most Instagrammed food market in Brooklyn. This summer, find something you haven’t tried yet at Smorgasburg and get it for the likes. I’m not saying you actually have to eat it (does anyone eat the food they Insta?), all I’m saying is you’re guaranteed triple-digit likes.
3. Attend A Free Outdoor Concert In One Of NYC’s Parks
This really grool program, SummerStage, hosts hundreds of free concerts scattered across the five boroughs. In efforts to represent diversity and other good deeds for the city, the summer festival brings in a wide range of artists and genres to perform. Whether you’ve heard of them or not, it’s free fucking live music where you can buy beers and call yourself cultured or some shit.
4. Soak Up The Sun With Wine In The High Line Park
Despite all of the nightclubs we love in Meatpacking, it’s also the start of an elevated public park that’s built right on a historic train line. The High Line (don’t get it twisted with the hotel) runs from Gansevoort Street all the way to West 34th. It’s a little under 2 miles long so if you walk the whole thing, it totally counts as cardio for the week day. The park features perfect sunbathing chairs, cute little carts with famous popsicles, and most importantly, an outdoor cafe with a huge selection of beer and wine. Watch the sunset and stay for their stargazing events. You’ll have enough Instas to last you like, a week.
5. Order A Beer Pitcher From The Oldest Beer Garden In NYC
It may be a tad out of the way but, once again, YOLO. So if it means venturing out to Astoria by taking the N or the Q, you’ll live. The oldest and one of the biggest beer gardens in the city is right in Astoria, Queens. They have a menu full of dozens of beers and wines, so even if you just “don’t like beer,” you’ll def find one that tastes almost like Bud Light. Or, you can just resort to your usual wine. Their happy hours consist of $4 mugs and $14 pitchers—a deal you can’t pass up in a city that’s expensive af.
6. Score A Poolside Pic At One Of JIMMY’s Summer Pool Parties
This exclusive hotel in SoHo only opens its pool to the public without a cover charge on Saturdays and Sundays at 3pm. A Jimmy Pool Party has everything you need for a solid pregame or curing a bad hangover. With live DJs, stocked bar, too many guys in finance, and a pool with stunning views, it’s everything you need for the perfect photo op. Use your own discretion for risking possible STDs in the pool, but other than that, you’ll have no problem finding enough room for a Bambi candid on the poolside. While you’re at it, use our guide for other rooftop bars you should blackout at ASAP.
7. Visit “The Happiest Place On Earth” At Least Twice
This is a must-do for any Hamptons- or beer-lover—so like, everyone. Have you had your Instagram flooded with people covered in yellow fucking smiley face stickers, looking like they’re having the time of their lives? Well, they’re def at The Boardy Barn. Open only on Sundays (rain or shine), this outdoor tented bar is the place Long Islanders love to get wasted by 3pm at. Its specials are basically “dollar beer nights” on crack. So, like a shit show. Be prepared to get beer for no more than a couple dollars accompanied with some mud, 90s hits, and a pizza counter for those drunchies. Admission is $20 but all so very worth it. No wonder this place closes at 8pm, you’ll be blackout by like, 6pm.
8. Get Buzzed Off Of Ice Cream
The gods have heard us. Alcohol + ice cream is now very much a thing. Located in Kips Bay, Tipsy Scoop features a plethora of flavors all infused with alcohol up to five percent. They range from Mango Margarita Sorbet, Cake Batter Vodka Martini, to Spiked Hazelnut Coffee. If you come during their afternoon happy hours, you can get two for the price of one. What a pregame game-changer.
9. Eat On The Water
The Frying Pan, a literal floating lighthouse, is located on Pier 66 on West 26th. Impress your friends with serious brunch upgrades by opting to eat and drink on this docked bar with an unreal view of the Hudson River. You can choose from a number of beers, wines, and liquors, as well as a variety of food to hold you over. Since The Frying Pan is right on the water, you probs won’t be able to tell the difference between you actually being drunk or just moving along with the waves. Either way, you won’t even care, just try not to vom.
10. Splurge On An Overpriced Music Festival On Some NYC Island
Your summer isn’t really complete until you pay like, $300 for a music festival you hardly remember in New York. With Panorama coming up this weekend, what better time to spend an obscene amount of money on a festival full of good music, wannabe hippies, and an unhealthy amount of alcohol. The upcoming 3-day music fest will take place on Randall’s Island, featuring artists like Frank Ocean, Tame Impala, Kiiara, Tyler the Creator, and tons of other people you probably don’t know. The creators of Coachella came up with this festival too so, this is as close as you’ll get to being Vanessa Hudgens on the East Coast anyway. See the full lineup and buy tickets here.
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