Working fucking sucks. Sorry for all you college betches who watch too many movies where a hot 20-something has a cool job doing literally nothing and lives in a 3,000-square-foot Tribeca penthouse, but that’s not what it’s like out here. I’ve been out of college for what feels like forever just grinding away and I can barely afford to rent out a room in a shitty apartment in Queens, okay? And I’m not even poor-poor. I’m just millennial-who-graduated-during-the-Great-Recession-poor, which is like, America’s new middle class. But for British betches, or those of us in the States who are looking for just one more reason to place an ad on Craigslist with the subject SEEKING BRITISH HUSBAND: ALL AGES WELCOME, a new office building in London has announced that it will feature a “Champagne On Demand” button at every desk, meaning you can be both miserable and drunk, which is honestly one of every self-respecting millennials’ top five mental states after “tired and drunk” or “sad and sober.” Bloody brilliant, mate!
But before you go downloading British Bumble, or re-connecting with that one weird exchange student with the fucked up teeth from high school, slow your roll because the building isn’t ready yet, meaning you have some time to figure out your living arrangements abroad and what not. However, Enstar Capital, the luxury developer in charge of this incredible project has a pretty elegant plan for how to get Champagne into the hands of every thirsty (or bored) office member who needs it with this nifty button marked “Ring For Champagne” for those btton skeptics that don’t believe such a wonderful invention could ever be possible:
Legit, it could only be simpler if they installed a Champagne tap at every desk, with a funnel that goes straight into your mouth. What a time to be alive. And in case you were wondering, you can also order other bougie shit like caviar if you want your coworkers to know you fancy.
And for the low, low price of $688 a square foot, you too can convince your boss to install some Champs on demand buttons in your office! So if you work at a hedge fund or like, Google, this could be possible. For everyone else, we’re SOL.
If you’re thinking that this sounds v familiar, you’re probs like me and watch too much Bravo because Heather Dubrow from RHOC has one of these miraculous bubbly buttons in her closet. And while that’s cool and all, I need a buzz way worse when I’m doing stupid work shit than if I were to be in a closet that’s bigger than the aforementioned room in Queens. And while both sound amazing, a mansion in California with the world’s biggest closet, a Champagne button and a personal butler to bring it to me probs isn’t in the cards for a minute, so I guess for now I’m getting a job in London. Cheers!
If there’s anything betches love more than wine, science has yet to invent or discover it. Not that I’ve ever been known to refuse alcohol of any kind, but vino will always hold a special place in my heart/liver. If I were to have a superpower I’m pretty sure it would be the ability to sense a bottle of Chardonnay being opened from miles away. Not only is wine fucking delicious, but it has a higher alcohol content than beer and lets you get drunk while kinda-sorta maintaining an air of sophistication. You might be passed out on the couch, but as long as you’re unconsciously clutching a wine glass, you’re passed out in, like, a classy way.
Basically, it’s a law of the universe that at any given moment, some betch somewhere is downing some variety of wine—you’re probably doing it right now. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they consume their alcohol, so here’s what your fave wine says about you.
If your favorite wine is a sparkling one, you probably don’t really like wine all that much and would rather be drinking a vodka soda (wouldn’t we all?). Irregardless, you’re a laid back person who doesn’t care that much about semantics and refers to all sparkling wines as Champagne—or at least, you better be for the purpose of this list, or else you’re just fucking obnoxious. Someone who only drinks wine with carbonation is the type who pretends they’re classy even when their life is an obvious train wreck—like when you throw up in the back of your Uber but it’s totally fine because you only got it on you and not any of the passengers or the driver’s back seat. You may post “poppin’ bottles” Insta stories, but we all know you were popping André. “Sophisticated with a hint of slutty” is your favorite Leslie Knope quote, as well as how most people would describe you.
Summer is your favorite season, and you’re either a novice drinker or have the kind of sweet tooth that’s led to way too many drunken Oreo binges. Either way, you have yet to figure out your limits, so you’re always the one to get way too drunk too fast and get carried out of the bar by your friends who can actually handle their alcohol. But whatever— you’re the life of the party before then, so people don’t hate you all that much for now. Just don’t expect the goodwill to last forever.
You always talk about getting out and seeing the world, but you never actually do because you’re a bit of a homebody. Maybe when you graduate you’ll get around to it.
You don’t like to make waves, and while you’re not shy, you can usually be found getting drunk with your BFF in the corner at parties. You love fitness almost as much as you love wine and judging people, which is partly why you’ve stuck with pinot g. for so long—it’s a totally acceptable day drink, so you can sleep before your half-marathon in the AM. (Ugh.) Honestly, you can be a little insufferable, but your six-pack is super impressive.
Subtlety isn’t a Chardonnay drinker’s strong point. You know what you like, and you stick to it. Among your friends, you’re known for having a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people say it’s a little too dry, but whatever, you’re confident enough to know anyone who can’t take teasing isn’t worth your time. Besides, you’d think people would want to know when they’re having a bad hair day. You work in, like, finance or something, and you fully expect to own a house in the Hamptons one day.
If your favorite wine is pink, you walk the line between nicegirl and betch with care. Every Saturday night, you can be found making regrettable decisions in a series of shitty bars, and every Sunday morning, you’re arranging brunch, rain or shine, because you believe day drinking is the best cure for a hangover. (Duh.) You watch The Bachelor religiously and pretend not to be as invested as you are. You like to think you’re unpredictable, but really, you just hate making decisions—even between red and white wine. Good thing we’re entering rosé season, when it’s socially acceptable to be tipsy at all times. Just try not to let the cumulative hangover kill you in September.
You started drinking red wine because whether you like to admit it or not, you judge the shit out of white wine drinkers. The only problem is you can’t bring yourself to buy the dry, bitter stuff, so when you discovered you like pinot noir, you stuck to it. You’re a secret romantic with an account on every dating app, and you’re always complaining about the dating scene in whatever city you live in. A word of advice: Stop doing that.
You like to tell people you’re low-key, but you’re less responsible than you let on. (TG, because responsibility is boring.) After you’ve drunk an entire bottle of the pinot you brought to the pregame, you’re the one doing shots and rallying the troops. Then you decide you’re never drinking again and spend the next weekend going on disappointing Tinder dates and watching Netflix until you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You’re one of those people others describe as headstrong. You kept a bottle of hot sauce in your bag before Beyoncé made it cool, and you’re down to try pretty much whatever. Admit it: You’ve thought “YOLO” unironically before doing something stupid like drinking the vodka some dude offered you in a parking lot.
You list “world traveler” on your Instagram bio, and you love meeting new people you can force to listen to your many stories. People tend to like you at first, but you’ve also been told to STFU about your exotic vacation because it’s all you talk about. You’ll settle down when you feel like it and not a moment before.
You come from money—you’ve been knocking back wine since your mom started turning a blind eye at fancy family parties, so a cab’s dry bitterness doesn’t bother you. You like to take charge and go for what you want; if life were a reality show, you’d be the one who isn’t there to make friends. (You also tend to speak in clichés.) TBH you’re pretty judgmental, but you’re not terrible to be around once you decide to like someone. Even when blackout, you’re more likely to carry a Riesling drinker out of the bar than be carried out yourself. After all, you have appearances to maintain.
Is it too meta to propose a toast to wine using a glass of wine? Whatever, I’ll drink to it anyway.
Unnecessary beauty combinations are literally the bane of my existence. If I see one more Lisa Frank-inspired makeup look or hair color that looks like a unicorn puked on someone’s head, I’m going to do something drastic like delete my Instagram for at least 30 seconds. That being said, I don’t know how to deal with prosecco flavored nail polish. It definitely falls into the “useless beauty trend” category, but it also combines my two true passions: glitter and bubbly wine. Do you see my problem?
Oddly enough, the nail polish was created by Groupon to celebrate Mother’s Day. I guess the company finally caught on to the Wine Mom meme two years too late? Anyway, Groupon claims it’s the world’s first prosecco flavored nail polish, which is probably true because I can’t imagine anyone would have put those two things together before.
The polish is your basic gold and glittery color, which is actually pretty cute. The cool/weird part is that it’s made with actual, literal prosecco, and it’s edible, as in you can lick it off your nails if you want to look like an escaped lunatic. In fact, the polish has enough alcohol that it’s apparently super flammable??
Groupon claims it “tastes like the real thing,” in case you want to enjoy the taste of prosecco without the fun of getting drunk for some pointless reason. (Why would anyone do that to themselves?) But the part that kinda-sorta won my approval is that the polish is also supposed to smell like prosecco, so everyone would think you’re drunk anyway if you wore it. You’d basically be free to chug all the wine you can get your hands on this Mother’s Day and blame it on the nail polish if anyone asks. That, in my opinion, is a winning quality.
Tragically, or not-so-tragically if you’re still unconvinced, the nail polish isn’t actually for sale; it’s part of a Groupon UK contest. Are you fucking kidding me? After everything we just went through, you can’t even buy this shit? God, Groupon, I fucking hate you. You just wasted my time and sent me on an emotional rollercoaster (albeit, one that was coherent and whose points were very well-articulated, thank you very much), all over something I can’t even have?! You’re truly a fuckboy. You can take your reasonably priced spa packages because we are through.