This season of The Bachelorette has been more disappointing than my last five Bumble dates, and the bar was set pretty fucking low for both of those things. I mean, we have this beautiful, talented, driven woman and ABC gives her Whaboom and a racist as potential suitors. Between that and the eyelash extensions that look like they’re two seconds from taking flight off Rachel’s face, it’s been a really tough season to follow. That said, there are a few gems in this season’s dumpster fire of a cast. There’s Eric, who is v handsome and whose scarf collection looks like it’s probs worth more than my rent. There’s Peter who’s part silver fox, part commitmentphobe fuckboy who grinded on Rachel one time in a hot tub so she thinks it’s love. Then we have fucking Bryan. The 37-year-old chiropractor whose idea of a “hot date” is driving an expensive car and frightening the viewers back home with his anaconda-style PDA skills. He somehow got the first impression rose despite the fact that he has the personality of wet cement, but it’s 2017. Wilder shit has happened. Tbh my favorite part about Bryan is that Peter and the internet are convinced he has cheek implants and I am so here for that rumor.
Last week during the Fantasy Suites episode that lacked any actual footage from the fantasy suite—ABC, you’re on my list—Peter accused Bryan of having fake cheeks and it was the burn heard ‘round the world. In case you forgot that casual gossip bomb he dropped, here are his exact words: “He’s got his confident Miami swagger. But in Miami there’s a lot of fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks.” AND FAKE CHEEKS.
PETER: *casually accuses Bryan of having fake cheeks*
ME TO MY EMPTY LIVING ROOM:
Okay, but aside from that being one fantastic rumor is there any actual truth to it? Like, what even are cheek implants? Surprisingly there’s not tons of information about the procedure out there. Perhaps because people prefer not to look like adult chipmunks. Shocking, I know.
Face fillers (aka chipmunk face) and face-lifts were the standard procedure for cheek augmentation until recently when cheek implants became the new “it” thing. Cheek implants are popular because not only does the procedure permanently change your facial structure but it also takes 10 years off your life. The implants are made of silicone or porous polyethylene and look natural AF. Plus there’s no scarring and the risks are minimal. Hmmm seems 100 percent like something, say, an older gentlemen going on reality TV for the first time in 10-plus years would do before trying his hand again at
Flat Tummy Tea modeling love on national television.
And because I’m far too invested in the lives of
fame whores Bachelor contestants, what better way to spend my valuable free time than to scour the internet for evidence of Bryan’s cheek implants? Writing that sentence just now makes me realize that my parents must be v proud of what my college education has paid for. *Adds hard-hitting journalism to resume* Whatever. I’ve got wine and a search engine—let’s make some shit happen, people. Let’s take a look at the evidence, shall we?
1. He’s From Miami
Though I’m inclined to agree with Peter on this one, I guess not every person from Miami has fake body parts. That said, Miami is the number one city in the WORLD for plastic surgery and a recent survey through the American Society of Plastic Surgeons found that Miami has a whopping 18 plastic surgeons for every 100,000 residents over 18. And I would bet my brunch reservations that one of those 100,000 residents is Bryan The Chiropractor.
2. He’s Old AF
As I’ve mentioned before, Bryan is 37 which is practically ancient by Bachelor standards. Plus he has to compete with Dean who is
perfect and should call me 12 years younger and has the skin of a Neutrogena model so I guess Bry Guy needs some sort of upper hand here. I mean, people usually get cheek implants in the first place because they’re getting old AF and their cheekbones are losing volume, causing their skin and muscle to start to sliding and sagging. *shudders* And Bryan certainly wasn’t going to win over any Instagram endorsements Rachel’s heart with a saggy AF face.
3. He Could Probs Afford It
The standard implant surgery ranges from $5,000 to $10,000 and any sort of personalization can tack on an extra $5K. And my biggest splurge this summer was spending $20 to have a grilled cheese delivered to my door. Rich people are crazy. But Bryan can definitely afford this shit. He’s a chiropractor which is technically a doctor… I think. Regardless, while I’m over here arguing with Miguel from the bodega next door about why he refuses to give me change in quarters so I can do laundry and stop dressing like a homeless person for work, Bryan’s making $150k a year easy. Honestly, he could probs afford to buy himself a new face and have unlimited amounts of grilled cheeses delivered to his door. You know, assuming he hasn’t cut out dairy and carbs from his diet.
Yeah, he totally fucking has.
4. His Reality TV Headshots
Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence are his headshots from 13 years ago when he first
whored himself out for TV ratings went looking for love on reality TV. Bryan was on a reality dating show called The Player where he competed with a bunch of other South Beach douchebags to win dates with models. OMG ladies, are you not wet with the prospects of those suitors?? Aside from making me want to vomit, his face from The Player’s intro 13 years ago looks DRASTICALLY different from the face he has now.
We’re not even going to touch on the amount of hair gel and Axe body spray that went into the making of this photo because honestly I’m surprised South Beach didn’t have a shortage back in 2004. The cheeks, though, are CLEARLY different. And just in case you need a side-by-side comparison:
I’m sure Bryan will likely defend this photo by saying it’s grainy AF or there was bad lighting, which is the excuse any teenager with a decent Instagram following uses, but shit’s not lining up for me. I think the photo evidence speaks for itself here. Sorry, Bry.
Final Verdict: He totally has cheek implants and I stand by that rumor I’m spreading. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, BRY GUY. Case closed.
After some very impressive investigative work, it’s recently been uncovered that Bryan Abasolo from this season of The Bachelorette isn’t at his first rodeo when it comes to reality TV dating. 13 years ago—holy shit, yikes—Bryan appeared on a show called The Player, which you probably haven’t heard of since you were like five years old at the time. Bryan still looks pretty hot because men don’t age and life is unfair, but what does his stint on The Player mean for
Rachel’s potential soul mate your Bachelorette bracket?
Well, first of all, The Player sounds like a show that I’d be v v into, according to this Wikipedia description. It features a bunch of self-described “players,” aka fuckboys of the early 2000s, competing against each other to go on dates with a model in South Beach. The whole thing reeks of sleazy douchebags, and naturally the catchphrase of the show is “Don’t hate the player, hate the game!” I can’t think of another sentence in the English language that will get a drink thrown in your face faster, and for that reason, I’m in.
Needless to say, Bryan’s days as a player may be a sign that he’s not the most genuine Bachelorette contestant, or that he at least went through an extremely questionable phase. He does seem to be a front-runner at this point given that he won the first impression rose and hasn’t started a weird sexually charged feud with another contestant yet, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens.
OMG WTF BRIAN! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! #TheBachelorette @eandgpodcast pic.twitter.com/CIRMtYmtGo
— Jackie O (@JackieOProblems) June 12, 2017
More importantly, what is it with people who continually return to the reality TV show circuit? Was one season of humiliation not enough? It’s like a bizarre version of Stockholm Syndrome and Nick Viall is the poster boy. Either that ABC legally owns them at this point, which I wouldn’t be surprised about. Just another issue we need a Kickstarter for, if you ask me.