You know a TV network has made it when they’re better known for celeb gossip than their actual purpose. Case in point: HGTV, which has somehow gone from the network you only ever watched at your grandma’s house to the reason you bought a toolbox you have no idea how to use. (Whatever, it’s part of your decor now.) If you’ve ever laid in bed watching the channel all day because you’re too hungover to find the remote, you know that like 90 percent of HGTV’s appeal comes from Property Brothers, the show about a pair of tall, muscular twins giving ugly homes a makeover while being tall and muscular. Did I mention they have dimples and are muscular?
Obviously, the primary reason to watch Property Brothers is to ogle the hosts, Jonathan and Drew Scott. You can see why the Internet exploded when people just “discovered” the twins have an older brother, J.D., even though he’s been on the show a million times. Amateurs. Anyway, considering how genetically #blessed Jonathan and Drew are, their entire family must be wildly attractive. It’s science or something.
But is J.D. actually as hot as his brothers? That’s the kind of pressing question that keeps me up at night. Read on for an authoritative analysis by yours truly.
this pic of the third Property Brother has me seriously messed up pic.twitter.com/UZyWYl6e69
— brad esposito (@braddybb) April 6, 2017
First order of business: the hair. Dear god, the hair. Does his stylist have a brain injury causing them to think it’s still 2008? I haven’t seen anything like it since the days when we pretended that the lead singer of My Chemical Romance was hot. Given that he’s neither a member of a wannabe punk band or an emo kid who just discovered hair dye, there’s no excuse for that “spiky in the back, flat ironed in the front” business he had going on for years. Nobody that close to 40 years old should look like they spend their free time memorizing Modest Mouse albums.
Luckily, someone (I’m assuming his brothers after they decided the self-induced humiliation had gone on too long) must have told J.D. his hair is doing him precisely zero favors, and he now covers it with unfortunate hats. Progress, I guess.
— JD Scott (@MrJDScott) April 7, 2017
Once you get past the hair (as if that’s possible), he basically looks like a slightly older, shorter version of his brothers. I’m prepared to overlook his tragic lack of dimples because he has a bunch of tattoos, and honestly, his eyebrows are way better groomed—something I’m gonna chalk up to his acting background. Considering attractiveness is basically a requirement of being an actor, you’d think this would make him officially hot in a brooding-artist kind of way. Like, someone you’d consider making out with until they invited you to their improv show.
Unfortunately, he chose to apply his acting skills in the least attractive way possible—worse than used car lot commercials or working as a sports mascot. Apparently, J.D. used to work as a David Bowie and Adam Lambert impersonator in Las Vegas, which both explains the hair and brings down his hotness quotient in one fell swoop.
If you’re going to be a celeb impersonator, couldn’t you at least go with a young Elvis or something? David Bowie, while fucking awesome (may he rest in peace), has never been ranked as hot by any stretch of the imagination, except I guess by Iman. I had to Google Adam Lambert, and he’s apparently a former American Idol contestant who’s most famous for wearing a lot of eyeliner, and his career (shockingly) didn’t really take off after the show. Also, he has gauges in both ears. Hard pass. These are not the people anyone in their right mind should choose to impersonate.
But we all make mistakes, and J.D. appears to be making marginally better fashion/career choices these days. Just because he’s doomed to forever be compared to his handsome AF brothers doesn’t mean he’s hideous or anything, especially now that the emo hair appears to be a thing of the past. Also, judging from his Instagram, he’s just as built as his brothers. Therefore, we the jury pronounce J.D. Scott “almost hot, with room for improvement.” I mean, I’m not going to complain next time he shows up during a hungover Property Brothers marathon. The more hotties the merrier, etc. etc.