Women are great multi-taskers, so you might be able to have a full conversation with yourself in your head while getting it in but, alas, dudes are not that way. Unsurprisingly, they need total focus to keep it up. Who knew? Last week I was fully click-baited into reading the dumbest online article ever about things not to say during sex. The list included the shocking advice to not call the person by the wrong name, don’t ask “What?” too much, or moan at inappropriate times. Like, no shit. I went to a public middle school, I have some basic understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable in the sheets.

Here’s my legitimate list of things you can probably say vertically but should probs not say while horizontal. Read and learn, betches.

1. Existential Life Questions

Sometimes sex is super boring, I mean, not if you’re doing it right, but sometimes you start with the best intentions and then realize you’d rather be doing something else. In this case your mind starts to wander to the deeper questions in life. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Should I quit my job and go to law school? Is it possible to use too many emojis? Even though you’re totally allowed to think whatever you want during sex, don’t ask these out loud. Bookmark that thought, and ask later…way later.

2. Political Comments

I may or may not have, but definitely did, ask a guy if he thought Joe Biden was more of a cat or a dog person as things started to heat up between us. Needless to say, the moment fizzled, like, immediately after that comment (he said cats, by the way).  Learn from me, betches! Don’t bring up controversial topics such as politics immediately before, during, or after getting it on, no matter how concerned you are about access to affordable contraception as of late. Politics is probably a boner killer, no matter what side of the aisle you fall on. Unless he’s like really into that, then props to you for probably being the mistress of a senator.

Totally a dog person BTW.

3. Negative Body Thoughts

Yeah, we all hate shit about our bodies. Even the people who are, like, super body positive totally have some self-loathing going on, because you don’t try that hard to love yourself if you actually love yourself. Anyway, now is not the time to bring up what you don’t like about your thighs or how you forgot to shave 15 minutes before this interaction. Though being skinny and having a full maintenance routine is Betch 101, 99% of dudes give zero shits about those things when they’re trying to mount you. They’re most likely thinking, “Hey, boobs!” and….. that’s it. Don’t point out the things you don’t want them to notice and they won’t notice them.

4. Anything Related to ‘Fifty Shades’

Most females and a surprising number of dudes I know have either read or watched (or both) Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s sexy, it’s raunchy, it’s taboo, we get it. No dude wants to be compared to a billionaire perv while in the middle of trying to impress you. He knows he’s probably not going to compare to that so don’t force him to think about it. If you want to kink up your sex life, go for it—just get more creative than a play-by-play of one of the most popular dirty novels of all time. There’s nothing less sexy than having to follow a script while you’re doing it, so don’t do that. You’re a betch and a sex goddess so you just do you while someone else is doing you, make sense? K good.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

Dear Guys Who Invite Me Over to ‘Watch a Movie’

Between Justin Bieber still living in the US, the additional month I have to wait until Scandal comes back, and the fact that it won’t stop fucking snowing, there is a lot I could be hating in life right now. That said, there is still nothing I hate more than when a guy I don’t really know that well asks me if I want to “come over and watch a movie.”

If you’re going to just try to go for the V, you need to at least put some effort in. Take me out for drinks and dinner before you invite me to your place. I can’t claim that my game is on some Beyoncé level shit, but I have a fully functioning and disease-free vagina thank you very much, and I’m counting on some work being put in on your end before I inevitably refuse to give it up. If twelve-year-olds are willing to run around an obstacle course, answer riddles from a talking tree, and embarrass themselves on live TV just to fail at putting together the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, you can expend some energy into attempting to get in my ironclad pants.

My point is, people have been willing to do a lot more for a lot less.

Shit, now that Blockbuster’s gone out of business, you don’t even need to leave your house to drive to the fucking store to pick up a movie. YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A PHYSICAL COPY OF THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Now any asshole with a working laptop and an internet connection and his friend’s brother’s roommate’s dog’s Netflix subscription thinks he can hit it? No, and no.

And don’t think for one second I’m deluded into the whole “I’m being a nice guy who just wants to watch a movie in the company of a girl I like and incidentally also want to bone” bullshit that you might be going for. First off, if I wanted to be spend time with a nice guy, I would stay home and watch something that Topher Grace is in. Second, maybe some other basic bitch would believe that you could actually get to know a person while you’re sitting side-by-side, not looking at or talking to one another for 1.5-3 hours in front of your TV or Mac, but my four years of college partying have left me with enough functioning brain cells for common sense. So no, I’m not falling for that shit either…

Next time, I’m going to insist we watch 12 Years a Slave and fuck your whole plan up:

You’re not as smooth as you think,

The Betches

Remember when you first got Tinder? It’s been a while, but apparently it still has a shady following. Like I actually hear about people meeting on Tinder still and them it’s like, wait, people still use that?? Apparently some do, but then there are those of us who went through the five stages and are sooo #82 over it.

1.  Kid in a candy store

Like a sixth grader at Dylan’s Candy Bar—you know, back when that was still a thing—your enthusiasm is unstoppable. You will swipe through the masses and get so many matches that you’ll wonder if this many people seem to find you attractive, why did you have to resort to tinder in the first place?

2.  Wide-eyed naiveté

You’re the Tinder game Ted Mosby. Everyone that messages you could be The One, even the guy that says, “Hey girl, you make me wanna douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado!” …Ok, maybe not him. You give out your number with the eagerness of an elderly couple giving out candy on Halloween. You text and consider meeting up with nearly everyone who asks, because you don’t want to fuck with “destiny.”

3.  Reality check

All these guys are complete idiots and 5 minutes into getting your number they’re going to ask you for nudes.

4. Extreme jadedness

“There are no good men left in the world. At least Tinder is doing me a favor by exposing these jerks for the vapid, sex-starved animals they are right off the bat so I don’t have to bother putting my trust in them first.” You’ll still swipe through people all the time because let’s be real it’s fun but every time you get a new match or message your heart drops a little. “That’s just one more asshole who’s going to act normal until he thinks he can get it in…” You’re beginning to make Taylor Swift look well-adjusted. The ‘block’ button becomes your new best friend.

5. Tinder what?

By this point you’ve either met a guy IRL or you’ve realized that Tinder is kind of stupid. You haven’t been on in so long you’re not sure if you even have it anymore, and when someone brings it up it’s kind of like when someone brings up some rando from your high school: “Ohhhh yeah I almost forgot about Tinder! Is Tinder still around these days? What’s Tinder up to? Does anyone even talk to Tinder anymore? Last I heard Tinder was pregnant with triplets, can anyone confirm?” You get the idea.

Our therapist once told us “when people show you who they are, believe them” and we can’t remember if she was talking about our parents or the President, but this very much applies to online dating as well. If you want to know whether or not someone is right for you, look no further than the version of themselves they hope you will believe. I mean, if someone can’t come across as a cool person when they have an entire camera roll of photos and the help of their friends at their disposal, there’s no way they’re going to be bearable over drinks. Honestly, anything less than an A+ dating profile is totally unacceptable these days. Like, you can literally pay someone on Craigslist to do this for you. It’s not that hard. But as much as men are responsible for throwing up red flags on the apps, women are responsible for blatantely ignoring them. I’m sorry but you thought the guy who posted a pic of himself shirtless next to a jaguar that he killed in Africa was going to be a fun hookup? Think again. Behind every shirtless mirror selfie, there is a divorce paper that you can easily avoid signing if you just heed these warning signs:

1. His Pictures Feature Multiple Hot Girls

Unless it’s clearly a family reunion and his mom is just a MILF, there’s no reason to feature any other women on your dating profile, no matter how hot you think you look in that tux from your cousin Brad’s wedding. This is a red flag for many reasons. One, she’s either an ex or a current girlfriend and you’re not about to jump into sidepiece nation for anyone. Two, if she’s just a friend, he’s either trying to score jealousy points from you OR he is really that dumb and doesn’t realize how shitty this looks. If it’s the latter, he probably doesn’t tip well either amongst other dumb guy habits, so you’re better off without him.

2. His Profile Is Completely Blank.

If he can’t think of one good thing to say, imagine trying to hold a conversation with him. Nobody wants to date someone that tries too hard, but not trying at all means he’ll probably be a dud in bed. I mean, how hard is it to introduce yourself and say one witty thing? The dating profile is kind of like a cover letter, and if he can’t write a good cover letter, he probably doesn’t have a good job.

3. His Profile Is Full Of Demands.

Example: “If you’re high maintenance DO NOT SWIPE RIGHT,” or “Only Girls Who Watch Dr. Who Need Apply.” Look, if you want to compare dealbreakers, our list is ten times longer than yours. But this is a dating profile, not an autobiography. That’s what the first date is for. Or at least wait until we match before you start asking judgemental question about our taste in music. Don’t worry, we’re judging you much harder than you’re judging us. If his profile sounds angry or demanding, guess what? He is probably angry and demanding. Swipe left on that loser.

4. You Can Only Ever See One Angle Of His Face.

There’s no such thing as a good side if you’re hot because every side is your good side. If all his photos are taken from one angle, he’s not showing you his full face for a reason. Or maybe they’re all close up and you can’t tell what his body looks like. That means he’s much shorter than he’s letting on. No tall guy is ever like, whoops I just forgot to mention I was tall. That’s like running a marathon and never telling anyone, what’s the point?

5. There Is A Prevalence Of Winky Face Emojis.

The occasional ironic emoji is acceptable, but anyone overusing emojis to express themselves is probably the type of guy who gets overly touchy and doesn’t understand personal boundaries. He’s like definitely stared at his female boss’s boobs too long, and he probably calls everyone “sweetheart” to avoid having to remember names. Gross.

6. He Looks Different In All His Photos.

One of them is definitely from ten years ago. If you can’t tell what he looks like, it’s not because he’s Batman and has a secret identity he can’t let you know about. He’s probably just insecure about how he currently looks and chose a bunch of out of date photos to represent him on his profile. If he looked like his pictures, he would look the same in all his pictures.

7. He Talks About How Good He Is At Sex.

You know how the dudes who are the worst at sex always think they’re the best? Yeah, that’s because sex isn’t about the dude, it’s about both people, and if a guy is trying to “win” at sex than 100% he is terrible at it. If he’s posting about his great “skills” on his profile, he’s probably never made a woman finish in his life. Plus he probably has herpes.

8. His List Of What He’s Not Into Is Longer Than His List Of What He Likes.

He is quick to tell you what type of girls he’s not into, but you have no idea if he even has a personality you would like. Guess what? He doesn’t. If your personality is based on just hating things, it’s probably because your personality sucks. He probably thinks about the world in a negative way, and before you know it you’ll be 6 months into dating and he’ll say something dumb like “maybe you should start working out more”.

9. All His Photos Feature Celebrities (Wax Or Real).

Does this guy not have any friends? Nobody cares that you went to Madame Tussaud’s and snapped a selfie with The Rock. Even if you met the actual Rock, this is a dating profile, not a resume of celebrity encounters.

10. He Is An Unknown Actor/Rapper/Model And All His Pictures Are Headshots.

He is definitely going to try and network and honestly he’s probably only dating so he can have a scene study partner. In the slim chance he seems normal, you might try and go on a date with him, but just be warned that he’s insecure by nature and will definitely ask you to help him with his self-tape.

READ: Best First Date Bars To Take Your Next Bumble Bro

Remember a few days ago when you felt personally victimized by RompHims? Well we have some bad news, because there’s a new pastel product in town: lace shorts for men. They come in five different colors, and yes, we were also triggered after “lace.” They were first advertised through an Instagram account named Sparkie Baby Official, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about how legit and high quality they are, if the built-in belts didn’t already give that away.

Judging by the long white socks on the models, the shorts are clearly intended for bros. The more we think about it, maybe we should have seen this coming. Like, how different really are lace shorts from the bright pink Vineyard Vines shit we’ve been told were “fratty” for years? Is this not just an even better outfit for an entire pledge class to wear while shouting homophobic slurs at each other? They’re wearing the lace as a JOKE, guys. It’s not like they wear it underneath their clothes everyday!

All jokes about repressed sexuality aside, these are extremely concerning from a utility standpoint. The only material is some shitty lace and heinous white…briefs? Are those included with the shorts? There is literally no chance they’re covering ANYTHING, and if any guy is dumb enough to buy these he’s also probably too dumb to realize he’s flashing everyone and the FB tags will not be kind to him.

TBH, I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone is discussing these shorts is because of the guy in green. He is taking bubble butt to a whole new level and if he doesn’t have a modeling agent yet, I would like to step forward and offer my services because I think we could really go places. First stop: remove the tats. Next stop: Calvin Klein.

What will be next in douchebag fashion? We can’t be certain, but the thought is pretty terrifying at this point. We never thought we’d miss the days of Lacoste polos, ugh.

Bros, this article is for you because I know at least 75% of you are currently huddled over your iPhones with 3 of your bros like, “Dude! Just write ‘when you’re ready come and get it’ and hit send! Works 60% of the time, every time.” No, it doesn’t. If it did, you wouldn’t need Tinder. But since you do need Tinder or some other dating app that relies upon societal conventions aka you sending the first message, you also need our advice. I’ve spent a lot of time on dating apps and I hate a lot of things most guys try to say to me, so I’m the perfect person to tell you how not to approach me.

Don’t: Start your message with “hey beautiful,” “hey sexy,” or even worse, “hey girl.”

I think most girls would agree with me that having someone I don’t know call me beautiful makes me gag more than…well, my own finger. Or the word “moist.” Don’t be that guy. The way to a betch’s heart is not through her gag reflex. (Yes, I know how that sounded but I stand by my previous statement.)

What’s your end game? I say thank you and you’re all, “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?” Yeah no thanks, if I wanted to have some guy compliment me only to be like “Oh okay, actin’ all cocky and shit… fuck you bitch you’re not even cute anyway,” I’d literally walk down the fucking street. It’s a no from me.

Also don’t get me started on “hey girl…” Yes I am a girl, thanks for noticing, Stevie Wonder. Am I supposed to be flattered? Unless you’re an actual rapper or Ryan Gosling, you cannot pull this off. Until that happens, quit using memes as your pickup inspiration, or at least check out some new memes—like, ones that have been created after 2009.

Do: Compliment something specific about my appearance.

“Love your hair,” or “gorgeous smile,” or “break me off a piece of dat ass!” See, now we can debate the merits of Tresemmé vs. Herbal Essences, and bond over getting our braces done in fifth grade by Dr. Silverstein. Btw I was just kidding about that last one, making sure you’re paying attention.

**Sidenote: This bro will tell you that starting a conversation with “hey cutie ;)” is a surefire way to get into a girl’s pants. I say, tread carefully. Some girls like being called cute. Some (hi) will want to bash you over the head because you basically just equated her to a small child.

Don’t: Use a stupid pickup line.

“If I flipped a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?” “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.” “Are you from Jamaica? Cause Jamaican me crazy, girl.”…Basically anything involving a pun qualifies as “stupid” and should be left to my dad when he’s drunk and trying to entertain people.

Basically, don’t ever use one of these corny pickup lines unless you’re prepared for me to answer with, “Did it hurt? When you fell down from heaven and landed on your head?”

Do: Try to come up with something witty based off my profile, or point out shit we have in common.

The ability to read is a trait that is highly coveted among females in search of a mate. It’s called evolution, look it up.

Don’t: Read too much into it.

Yes, I’m wearing a Superman shirt in my fifth picture. No, I do not want to discuss my favorite Superman story arc with you. I haven’t even seen Man of Steel. It was just a Halloween costume.

Don’t: Not say anything

If I wanted to be the one to make the first move, we’d be on Bumble rn and this article would be moot.

Do: Ask me what I’m up to tonight/this weekend.

Odds are my plans are more fun than yours, and what betch doesn’t like talking about herself? I mean, that’s basically the tag line of this site. Plus if you tell me what you’re doing I can automatically rule out one place I will not be going. Unless you’re going to buy a round for me and all my friends. Then maybe we can talk.

Good luck guys, and may the odds be ever in your favor!

Sure, you may have started hooking up with a bro you didn’t exactly want to date, but as often happens when two people sleep together after a while, you may have actually developed feelings. Not giving a fuck is betchy, but falling for someone you routinely touch body parts with also doesn’t make you less of a betch. It literally just means nature is doing its job. Congrats, you’ve just discovered, like so many unhappy housewives before you, that sex bonds people emotionally. Not telling him how you feel, however, is not very betchy.

If you’re in a casual hookup situationship, chances are you’ve thought about him being your boyfriend.  You may have even said something to your friends like, “He’s basically my boyfriend, but without the title.” Here’s the thing: if you’ve thought about it, he’s thought about it. For every time one of your girlfriends asked you, “So what are you guys?” or “Why don’t you guys just put a label on it?” one of his friends has probably asked him the same thing. Okay, make that once for every five times, because let’s be honest, bros don’t talk about this shit as much we do. But they still talk about it a little. Which means he’s had to define your relationship to his friends.  Which also means he can fucking handle talking to you, the girl he is sticking his penis into, about it. 

In the same vein, if you have feelings for him and have wondered whether he feels the same about you, he’s also given this some thought. He is a bro living in the same world you are, and he’s (probably) not an idiot. This means that he either 1) is on the same page as you and returns your feelings or 2) doesn’t really give a shit but enjoys the sex. Either way, he’s considered his stance on this issue and just because you keep things ambiguous with each other doesn’t mean there isn’t an answer at the end of the day.

If you’re enjoying what’s going on, but you’d say “FUCK YEAH” if he asked you to be his girlfriend, then you should tell him how you feel. Because this means you want more than a casual hookup. And if we’re really being honest, there is no such thing as “casual” after the three month mark. Waiting for him to bring up the subject is like getting robbed and then instead of calling the police, you hope the thief’s conscience kicks in and he returns your money with an apology. How often does that happen? It’s not impossible, but uh, most people would call 911. His conscience isn’t going to kick in; you need to make the call. You don’t have to wait for him to tell you where you stand; you can tell him where you stand.

As a betch, you don’t wait in line at clubs, so why would you wait to “see what happens” in a relationship? It might feel like you’re giving up your power when you tell someone you like them, but staying in a casual relationship when you want more is the most powerless you can be.

If you tell him you’re into him and want to date, two things could happen. He could either admit that he feels the same way and say “LET’S DO IT”, or he could admit that he’s not feeling it and wants to keep things casual. No matter what, he’s not going to say, “EW GROSS GET AWAY FROM ME I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” He’s already having sex with you, so if you’re okay with casual, you can go back to casual. In no universe is he going to want to stop having sex with you because you have feelings for him, so you either get what you want or resume the status quo.

Obviously, no self-respecting betch would really choose to go back to the way things were, but the point is, you can. Which means you literally have nothing to lose.

Here’s the final reason why you should just pull the trigger on the feelings conversation: A betch has no interest in dating a bro that doesn’t want to date her. Just by telling him you want to date him (or whatever you feel), you’re allowing yourself to get over him if he says no. There’s no faster way to get over someone than to find out they don’t think you’re a goddess. Because there’s plenty of people that do.