Today is a very special day, people! And, no, I’m not just saying that because this morning my barista told me I was “glowing” when, in fact, I looked more like a drowned street rat who had just crawled its way out of the subway. No, today is Arie Luyendyk Jr’s birthday! For those of you who aren’t familiar with who Arie is, congratulations on the full and happy life you’re living you’re not better than me. If you’ll recall, Arie was the down-on-his-luck runner-up from Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette who landed his own season of The Bachelor last year. And by “down on his luck” I mean clearly dating someone right before he was chosen to be the Bachelor. But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance at love! And since I can’t burn ABC studios to the ground for their choice in Bachelors like I’d like to, I guess I’ll just have to settle for roasting tf out of Arie for his bday. So here’s a little tribute to the guy who disgusts me so much that I’m happy to never interact with the male species again spend my Friday nights heating up mac n cheese for one. Happy birthday, Arie!
When He Dubbed Himself “The Kissing Bandit”
Boy, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this marketing meeting. ABC casually asks Arie what his best traits are, and the best thing he can come up with is using the right amount of tongue. You’ve got a real winner on your hands, Mike Fleiss! So basically we knew Arie’s season of The Bachelor would be more disappointing than my Hinge matches when the first teaser they released of the season involved their bachelor dressed like the Hamburglar and suggestively puckering his lips at the camera. I think a yeast infection might be sexier than watching that on my TV screen, but to each their own.
When He Thought He Had Dance Moves
There’s literally nothing that could dry me up faster than watching this dude figure out how to do the cupid shuffle during the commercial breaks of How To Get Away With Murder, and yet, here we f*cking are. Look, I know ABC had a real uphill battle trying to make a man who’s old enough to be the adoptive father of several of the female contests *cough* Baby Bekah *cough, cough* seem like a genuine catch and not just the catch on To Catch A Predator, but MY GOD ABC this was not the way to do it.
Jesus.
When He Made The Women On His Season Drink Pee
It was a dark day in history when we watched beautiful, successful grown-ass women willingly down what they thought was urine like free shots of tequila so a man ON A DATE WITH TWELVE OTHER WOMEN might kind of like them. Ladies, we did not march for this!
When He Stuck His Entire Fist Through Bekah M’s Hoop
I don’t even have anything to say here other than that watching Arie capitalize off of Bekah’s daddy issues by thrusting one feminine hand through her hoop earring on live television, is the reason I deleted all my dating apps for a week. Just saying.
When His Ideal Woman Turned Out To Be A Robot
Every year ABC feeds us a lot of bullsh*t about how the man they’ve picked to be the Bachelor is the cream of the crop: a hot, stand-up dude looking for a smart, driven, beautiful woman to spend forever with. Now, I’m not saying that Arie didn’t choose a great girl, but I’m also not not saying that that great girl wasn’t forged in a lab by ABC interns who googled “perfect lady traits” and came up with Lauren B. I guess things worked out for them, though, because they’re getting married this January in a private ceremony. And by “private” I mean 100 of their closest friends, family, ABC producers, and every major media outlet whose DMs Arie was able to slide into (not us, because we got blocked). But, you know, ever happiness to you both!
When He Filmed His Breakup On Live Television
Remember when Arie chose Becca and promised to choose her everyday for the rest of their lives together? And then the rest of their lives together was like three more days before he dumped her on a romantic getaway and filmed it? Ah, yes, good times let’s burn his house to the ground.
So I guess what I’m saying here is happy birthday to everyone but Arie Luyendyk Jr. I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue! Bye!
IMAGES: ABC (2); Giphy (2)
It’s Presidents Day, which calls for a very special broast of our one, the only, Supreme Leader President Donald J. Trump. For the first time since Ronald Reagan, we finally have a real bro in the White House. Let’s take a look at everything The Donald has done right.
Probably the most important key to Donald’s bro identity is his hair. There’s something so intriguing about a guy with a silky flow, and The Donald’s windswept look is fucking legendary. There are rumors going around that he uses drugs to make his hair grow, but that’s obviously just fake news. Sad! Also worth admiring is his tan—it’s so natural looking. Obama may have been the first black president, but the true testiment to how far we as a nation have come in achieving a post-racial society is the fact that we elected an orange-skinned president.
Dude is also a fucking wordsmith. Like, his speeches use sentence structures so complex they haven’t even been invented yet. Just wait, 100 years from now this shit will be the new Shakespeare, bigly. Donny is known for not using a teleprompter, which is super impressive considering his speeches are always so concise and logical.
A crucial part of Trump’s whole image is the hot wife. Donald is on hot wife #3, which is honestly a modest number for a guy like him. Ideally, he would be on wife 6 or 7, but somehow he’s stayed with Melania into her mid-40s, which is probably very tough for him. Somewhere in central Europe, there’s probably a support group for aging models who really thought they would be married to Donald Trump by now.
Speaking of groups, every bro also has to have a solid crew, and Trump’s crew is next level. You’ve got pantydroppers like Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and especially Steve Bannon—I just love a man who doubts my own humanity. Donald also hangs out with cool girls like Kellyanne Conway—every bro needs a hot blonde friend who may or may not have a meth hookup.
Trump is a true SAB with a capital S. Know how when your fuck buddy tries to tell you he stayed in last night when you physically saw him making out with another girl at the bar only makes you want him more? Exactly.
The best part about Trump is that if you hang out with him for long enough, he’ll give you a cool nickname, like “Lyin’ Ted Cruz,” or “Little Marco Rubio.” If you’re tryna chill with Donald, you can likely find him having important policy meetings with a foreign leader on an unsecure phone line and thinking of fun, inventive ways to restrict your rights.
Happy Presidents Day, Donald. We can’t wait to see what the next four years bring.
