With inauguration day looming over the nation like the smoke and ash spewing from the top of a soon-to-erupt volcano, sometimes it seems like there’s nothing we can do but despair. But never fear, rising from the ashes is the parody Twitter account we need. Sure, our PEOTUS might be Prince of Darkness, Lord of Lies, but @BridgetTrumpsDiary is here to remind us that even the Dark Lord himself has fat days and gets starry-eyed and tongue-tied when his crush is nearby.
The parody Twitter account gives readers a glimpse into the everyday thoughts and dreams of America’s favorite Third-Reich-billionaire-next-door, filled with all the self-absorption that we’ve come to adore from both loveable fictional Brit Bridget Jones and deplorable real-life limp sack of Velveeta Donald Trump. Tweets such as “Ugh. Accidentally tweeted wrong person this morning. Worried I may get fired from super important new job! Will flirtatiously shrug it off” help to humanize our future Disaster in Chief. Tbh, the account’s diary style reads like any betch’s teenage journal entries after one too many vodka sodas. Just add sociopathy and a hard-on for Vladimir Putin!
January -An exceptionally bad start
Drunk tweeted Assange
Calories consumed -6,000 but mainly the hopes & dreams of the poor
— BRIDGETTRUMPSDIARY (@BRIDGETTRUMPSD1) January 8, 2017
Bridget Trump’s Diary even provides a helpful outline for ways readers might be able to improve our own journaling routines. That Putin-lovin’ cutie uses the Twitter diary to keep track of important information. Her tweets show mindful monitoring of budgeting (see: “I WILL NOT Waste money on: unaffordable health care, tax, planned parenthood, moving to Washington or exotic underwear”), careful calorie counting (“Bday lunch w/ Eric 3,000 cals (Tiger meat v calorific)”), and celebrating times her S.O. has made her smile (“Hurrah! Vlad agreed to recite a poem at inauguration, he said it is more of a ‘limerick’ about a girl from Ealing. Am popular sex goddess!”).
I WILL NOT bitch about anyone behind their backs will instead be positive about everyone*
*Apart from Vile Baldwin & SNL cast – OVERRATED
— BRIDGETTRUMPSDIARY (@BRIDGETTRUMPSD1) January 19, 2017
So, as you’re pounding back shots and ignoring the inauguration this weekend, let @BridgetTrumpsDiary be the beacon of light that distracts you from your terror and misery. Assuming Vladimir Putin’s cute butt isn’t distracting enough.