How To Make Your Sister’s Wedding About You

After a year of putting wedding plans on hold, brides everywhere are finally ready to dust off their dresses and take that walk down the aisle. And while nuptial celebrations these days might look a little different, there are still time-honored traditions that you can uphold without violating CDC guidelines, like stealing the spotlight from your sister, the bride. Considering that she stole your senior year prom date (and your parents’ affection from the moment she was born) she definitely has it coming. Since the most important day in a woman’s life is the day her younger sister gets married before her, we created a step-by-step guide to help you make your little sister’s wedding all about you. 

Step 1: The Headpiece

Now, the most obvious way to upstage your sister on her wedding day would be to wear white, but since you’re her maid of honor (if she knows what’s good for her), and therefore already have an assigned dress, you’ll have to take a subtler, less cliche approach. Insist on wearing a headpiece! Whether you end up with a flower crown, a tiara, or even a veil—it doesn’t matter, as long as you threw a tantrum at a David’s Bridal along the way. 

Step 2: The Dress

According to Heteronormative Brides Weekly, most brides have been dreaming about their wedding dresses since they were little girls. But it’s not about what makes the bride feel beautiful on the most important day of her life, it’s about what you want, so be sure to let your opinions be heard! If there was ever a time to throw shade, it’s now, so be sure to make a snide remark about whatever dress she chooses. Remember, you want that comment to linger in the back of her mind all night long! Here are some examples of what to say when your sis says yes to the dress:

“No, I like it too! I mean, you wouldn’t want to upstage the groom.” 

“If you love it, we will learn to love it.”

“I just think your skin is too pasty to pull off lace, but what do I know?” 

“If YOU think you look good, then that’s all that matters!” 

“It’s so brave of you to go strapless!” 

Step 3: The Date

Bring your sister’s ex as your plus-one and then gaslight your family into thinking that that’s not inappropriate. “Why would it be weird? Brian and I have always been close. He’s practically family!” 

Step 4: The Borrowing

Traditionally, no bride’s outfit is complete without something borrowed, and since your sister has been borrowing your stuff since the 90s, this is the perfect opportunity for you to re-insert yourself into the spotlight. The plan? Lend your sister your diamond tennis bracelet, or something equally flashy and expensive, and then bring it up incessantly. After all, your sister’s wrist looks beautiful today because of your generosity, and you deserve credit for that. When Aunt Judy says your sister looks beautiful? Mention the bracelet. When they cut the cake? Mention the bracelet. When you give your speech? Mention the bracelet! Hell, you can even stir up some sisterly drama while you’re at it with a comment like, “You better not wreck my bracelet, like you did my car in high school.” Passive-aggressive is the new black! 

Step 5: The Speech

While we’re on the topic, the wedding speech is the one moment where everyone at the wedding will FINALLY be paying attention to you, so you’ll need to milk it for all it’s worth. This is your Super Bowl. My advice? Cry an inappropriate amount. Like, way too much… 

Once you’ve succeeded in making all of the guests and groomsmen uncomfortable, proceed to tell an embarrassing story about your sister from her slutty college days and incorporate as many of her ex-boyfriends as you possibly can. It doesn’t matter what story you tell as long as it makes your sister look like a drunken, hot mess. “Good thing that dress is off-white, right sis?” If her in-laws aren’t googling “annulment” by the end of your speech, you did it wrong. Also, if you had Covid over the past year, definitely mention it. This is your special day, after all, you deserve all the attention you can get. 

Step 6: The Dinner

You’ve most likely been drinking on an empty stomach all day long, so by the time dinner rolls around you should have just enough drunken confidence to feign an allergy to an obscure ingredient on the menu! Pretend to have a scratchy throat as you walk around telling guests that your sister doesn’t care about your coriander allergy because she’s a self-absorbed bitch! Leave her guests wondering, “is the maid of honor slurring her words because she’s drunk or because she’s going into anaphylactic shock?” 

Step 7: The Dance

Choreograph a dance and dedicate it to your sister. Blow her guests away with an overly sexualized interpretive hip-hop performance about sisterhood and ultimately, marriage. Guests and in-laws will be too busy talking about what a freak you are that nobody will be paying attention to your sister! Score! Totally worth it! 

Step 8: The Bouquet

After a long day of champagne and sabotage, you might think it’s finally time to just relax and enjoy the reception that totally should have been yours. That’s where you’d be wrong. The biggest part of your night is still ahead of you: the tossing of the bouquet. For centuries, the tossing and subsequent catching of the bouquet has been considered good luck, and superstition tells us that whoever catches the bouquet will be the next to wed. Considering that this should have been your wedding to begin with, you need to catch the bouquet AT ALL COSTS. I don’t care how many grandmas, flower girls, or bridesmaids you have to hip check to make it happen. This is not the time to show mercy, this is the time to take out your aggression about your sister getting married before you on all the single women in the room. Take. No. Prisoners. 

Step 9: The Hail Mary

If you tried steps 1-8 but were still unable to upstage the bride, then there’s one more trick you can pull out of your taffeta sleeve, but it’s not for those with a weak stomach. Seduce the groom. Just kidding! Unless he’s hot… then use your own discretion, girl. If that doesn’t work, make sure you get proposed to. Doesn’t matter by whom.

Well, there ya have it, ladies! My tips and tricks that are guaranteed to make you the star of your sister’s wedding. Join us next week to learn How To Steal the Spotlight at Your Niece’s Bat Mitzvah!

Image: Leah Flores / Stocksy.com

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: A White Trash Triathlon

Being in quarantine means we have lots of time to read about things going wrong while we’re sitting inside, in our daytime pajamas, living through a sort of dystopian hellscape. Yes, I’m mostly referring to reading the news, but I’m also talking about crazy wedding stories. Remember a time when things other than our country/ecomony/healthcare system were falling apart? Good times. For real, we feel super horrible for any bride who’s had to cancel or even postpone her big day because of COVID-19. But, to find a little silver lining, at least you could cancel your big day and not end up as a crazy wedding story submission on our site. Even the ‘rona can’t take away entitled, outrageous, or ill-equipped brides, and for that, we are thankful.

Which brings us to today’s story, submitted to us by a reader at [email protected]. It’s a sordid tale of love, wood chips, goose sh*t, and people drunk on jungle juice. Sounds like a frat party—but unfortunately for all who witnessed this unholy matrimony, it’s not.

Setting The Scene

This story starts out like so many others: with a bride asking her BFF to be in her wedding. Yay! It always seems like it won’t be a big undertaking, but, it will be a big undertaking. It’s always a f*cking big undertaking. Our submitter writes:

“This was my best friend’s wedding. I get asked to be a bridesmaid. I tell her to take her time planning the wedding and not to rush, but she decides to rush anyway, despite not having any money.

A week before the wedding, bride finally decides to visit the outdoor ceremony venue, knowing months prior that there would also be a fair starting on that same street an hour after, so people could be setting up early, and parking would be hard to find. She said she was going barefoot in a park, near water, where geese frequent. She has a full-on meltdown about how she’s screwed, even though she should have known, having been to this park many times throughout her life, knowing it’s near water, etc. Her parents, meanwhile, were planning to flatten their backyard for the tented reception, and never got any responses, so never pursued it further, and didn’t get the ground flattened, therefore a tent couldn’t go up. At this point, one week out, they have no ceremony or reception venue. The neighbours then decide to save the day, and suggest the ceremony be on their front lawn, and the tent can go on their back lawn, which is flattened and all gravel. The bride also originally planned on having no dance floor, so people could just ‘dance with bare feet on the grass’.”

I don’t know if “rushing” means trying to plan a wedding in six months orrrrr trying to plan a wedding in 10 weeks. Those are two v different things.

BUT, despite rushing, a bride going to visit her venue only ONE WEEK before a wedding is absolutely f*cking insane. I must have visited my venue five or six times in the year that we planned our wedding. This makes me think that there was no actual “venue” planned and the bride was planning to just roll up to the park with an entire wedding reception in tow.

And then to have to rely on neighbors to save the day with a backyard gravel reception? This is shaping up to be a whole disaster. I am a little sad that the reception didn’t actually take place in the park where people would have been slipping and falling because of goose sh*t. Darn.

Going Downhill

Naturally, things are only going to get worse from the rushed backyard planning debacle.

“Now, it’s 3 days out, with forecasted rain for the wedding day and two days prior, with no back-up for the ceremony or cocktail hour. The ground is a mud pit, so while the bride goes to get her nails done, I help her father, who was planning to SINGLE-HANDEDLY shovel 2 truckloads of wood chips and spread them within the tented area. Now, they’re worried about splinters, so her father, the male neighbour and I build a dance floor out of scrap wood (which was actually very structurally sound, surprisingly). At this point, I was getting 3-4 hours of sleep per night, while the husband-to-be didn’t even know what time the wedding started at until the day prior.”

First off, jazz snaps for the groom-to-be not knowing what time his own wedding was starting. I think, you’ll find, that most grooms are in the same boat with that one. Also, of COURSE the gravel pit would fill with water and mud. Sounds like a good time and right up the alley for a bride who wanted to dance barefoot in the grass. I mean, let’s just dance barefoot in the mud at that point. It sounds GREAT.

Also, is this submitter a guy or a really strong betch? Like, I wouldn’t be caught dead shoveling f*cking wood chips or building a dance floor out of scrap wood. What the f*ck am I? A lumberjack? I have a communications degree, which makes me 100% useless at anything involving the outdoors (except drinking on towels).

The Big Day

Did you think things would improve from here? Like the clusterf*ck that is the current state of our country, this wedding only gets worse.

“The wedding day arrives. It’s still raining slightly, still have no back-up plans, I’m running around like crazy trying to help. It stops raining right before the ceremony, the bride is yelling at her controlling aunt who was trying to tell people when to walk down the aisle (incorrectly), and they get married. I help run cocktail hour, which involved pouring bottles of vodka in with Hawaiian Punch and iced tea, while the other bridesmaids drank. As the reception starts, the now-husband walks into the tent with the bride trailing behind, which makes for an awkward moment for everyone.”

There are way too many wrongs here for me to even comment on half of them, but can we all take a moment to appreciate the mixture of Hawaiian Punch and vodka being served during cocktail hour? Like, between that, the handmade dance floor, and a mud pit, this is shaping up to be a white trash triathlon. God bless America! Although, judging by the extra “u’s” in some of these words, I’m guessing this wedding took place somewhere fancy, like Canada or England. Good to know they can be just as trashy as us!

A Reception To Remember

Yikes. As you can imagine, the reception isn’t really any better than the wedding.

“Night goes on, the step-father to the groom keeps making shots, citing his previous youth experience of being a bartender. At some point, my boyfriend disappears, and I assume it’s to go to the bathroom, because they only brought 2 porta-potties for the 100 guest wedding, which were very small. One of the bridesmaids and her boyfriend have started fighting, after having drank all night, and it gets physical. She punches him in the face, he tries to stop her, she rips his shirt, and my boyfriend (who weighs probably 40lbs less than either of them) tries to keep the peace. The bride eventually finds out through the grapevine, and leaves for the night, also yelling and mad.”

Is a wedding even a wedding without a fist fight? I don’t know what to feel, except that, my God, I wish I’d been there. Also, only having two Port-a-Potties at a wedding where you’re serving actual jungle juice sounds like a recipe for someone (me) throwing up in some bushes.

If nothing else, we give jazz snaps to the submitter of this story. It made us all forget about quarantine for a hot sec, and, hopefully, made some of you postponed wedding kids feel a little better for a few minutes. Kisses.

Images: Volker Vornehm / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: Puffy Sleeves, Macaroni Salad, & Pervy Dads

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

In case no one told you, planning a wedding is hard. As I have mentioned in about 87 other articles, I know firsthand how hard they are, so I am sympathetic to anyone going through this process because it will age you 100 years is a grueling one. To all of the ladies and gents who are just getting started, just remember that all a wedding is is a glorified party. I mean, unless Beyoncé accidentally stumbles in and decides to stay and sing a song during the reception, your rustic chic nuptials aren’t, like, that different from all of the other weddings we’ve all been forced happy to attend. Some, though, are so out-there that we can’t ignore them and must talk about them right this very second.

We received an email submission about a wedding that took place before most of you youths were even conceived, but it is so f*cking juicy that we couldn’t not cover the insanity that went down, so here we are. I was literally cringing the entire time I read it, and my neck is now sore from scrunching my shoulders up to my ears for however long it took me to get through the email. Honestly, worth it, though. Let’s get into it.

Our submitter writes: Jane was the first person in her family to go to college, but they all made fun of her until she dropped out. Fortunately, she met the love of her life, Derek, at that time, so she didn’t feel she needed school. He was a former high school jock now working in a gas station and she got a minimum wage at a retail job. Everyone’s happy. 

Good for Jane for being a first-generation college student and f*ck her hick family for making her feel bad about wanting to educate herself. Jane, honey, I know the ‘90s was a different time, but don’t perpetuate the stigma that women only need an education until we get a husband. However, high school me is giggling with glee that this once jock is now the creepy gas station guy with whom you don’t want to make eye contact when the pump eats your debit card. Ya truly love to see it… unless your friend is dating the jock-turned-gas-station-guy. And it’s not all sunshine and rainbows:

Dereck was the f*cking worst. He was totally controlling, jealous, abusive, and he cheated. Sometimes in front of her. She obviously wasn’t allowed to have friends or make plans or do anything that didn’t involve him. And she was required to speak to him entirely in baby talk. To this day I think of him as “Dewek.”

Hold. The. Phone. Ew that she “obviously” wasn’t allowed to have friends or do anything at all without getting her keeper’s boyfriend’s permission? Gross. I honestly don’t even know what to say about the baby talk thing because the second I read that, my bacon, egg and cheese started to creep its way back up my throat. I don’t even like when babies do baby talk, so count me the f*ck out when adults do it. These dudes always turn out to be serial killers. Run, Jane, run!! 

You In Danger Girl

Unfortunately, she did not run. In fact, the opposite.

Seven years later, they get engaged, but she and I have grown apart. I’ve moved away and I’m finishing my second degree while she’s barely been allowed to talk to me. Plus Dewek is her only topic of conversation anyway. She seriously DNGAF what’s going on in my life, but for some reason, she asks me to be her maid of honor. 

I’m no therapist, but this is textbook jealousy. You represent all of the things she could have been—chief among those things is educated. The maid of honor thing is definitely weird, but maybe she wants to make a big gesture to invite you back into her life and maybe help her escape Dewek? Who knows at this point, though.

Now, the next bit may be hard for the ’00s babies to understand, but use your imaginations and bear with me, kay?

This is in the late 90s, but Jane is HELLA 80s: like perm, spiked bangs, the works. She comes to the big city I’m living in with her four other bridesmaids to spend the weekend dragging us to various bridal shops trying to find the perfect puffed sleeves, off-the-shoulder, dusty rose scary-ass 80s crap that we will all be paying for ourselves. Huge fights ensue, one of Jane’s sisters is a vicious witch to every sales girl, and we all go home without dresses. Eventually Jane orders dresses from some boutique in her small town without any input from the bridesmaids and mine arrives six days before the wedding and is a size too small, so I start starving myself to fit into it. 

Drama, drama, drama. Ugh, starving yourself is never the answer. Stand up to your friend and tell her you don’t feel comfortable wearing an ugly dress that’s too small! Also, this is how I’m picturing these dresses:

rachel green bridesmaid

Then comes the wedding weekend. Turns out that the five bridesmaids were expected to fully create the entire wedding, including cleaning, setting up and decorating the “hall,” and cooking all the food! Apparently this was so obviously our job that no one thought to mention it to us. First, the hall. It was the local small town community center GYM. Like, lines on the floor for soccer and basketball, and no less than six basketball hoops. All five bridesmaids were sweeping, mopping, setting up folding tables and chairs, and blowing up hundreds of white balloons for two hours, and then climbing ladders to try and hide the hoops with the balloons. All while the five groomsmen stood outside and smoked. 

I am so over all of these brides asking their guests/bridal parties to cook and clean! I don’t even like asking my roommate to do that on any given Tuesday because I feel like I’m Miss Hannigan-ing her, so asking my friends to clean/cook for my wedding is out of the question. But at the very least, you would think the bride and groom would tell them??? I wish I could say this is the first time I’ve heard such an outrageous request, but this happens in almost every crazy wedding story we do! WTF??? 

Then back to Jane’s parents’ house where, it turns out, the five bridesmaids were expected to make food for 100 guests in the parents’ tiny kitchen the night before the wedding! The only thing I clearly remember was sitting on a wooden chair at 2am with a huge plastic bucket full of macaroni salad between my legs, which I was stirring with my whole arm. No one seemed to think this was strange or unhygienic. Then we were all given mattresses on the basement floor to sleep on.

If I was in this bridal party, now is right about when I would have staged a coup and/or dipped immediately. Whichever takes less energy. Macaroni salad at a Fourth of July cookout, yum! Macaroni salad at a wedding? Nope! Also, the mattresses on the basement floor is giving me serious American Horror Story vibes and I’m a little scared to keep going. 

Three hours of sleep later, we’re all up and getting ready. I’m exhausted and still not eating much because I want to fit in my dress. Jane’s dad, the one who has known me since I was eight years old, is hitting on me. I spent most of the day backed into corners so he’d stop stroking my ass. Jane’s mom has quite reasonably decided that this is my fault, so she is being an utter bitch to me. Jane is demanding that I help her stick maxi pads to the underarms of her dress because she has chosen a long-sleeved, high-necked, massive tulle-skirted monstrosity of a wedding dress, and it is 104 degrees outside. 

All I have to say about the dad is:

yikes

Re: the maxi pad situation… try antiperspirant, I guess? Don’t even get me started on the dress because it sounds like a direct assault to the eyes. Every bride has her own unique style, but this thing sounds offensive. 

The reception for me is blurry. It’s a cash bar, but as mentioned I hadn’t eaten for five days so I started drinking right away and I don’t remember anything after the first 10 mins, except for being expected to go into the small metal stalls in the bathroom with the bride to hold her massive skirts up while she peed. 

Ok, to be fair, it’s one of the more unfortunate tasks involved in being a maid of honor, but you are required to hold up the bride’s dress while she pees. However, my sympathy ends there. Cash bars at weddings shouldn’t be allowed. People are coming from far away, buying outfits, getting you gifts, etc. for your wedding, so the least the couple can do is let them drink for free. 

The reception ended just as I started to sober up (I ran out of cash) and that’s when I learned that the bridesmaids were solely responsible for cleaning the hall. In our frothy ‘80s dresses and sh*tty dyed-to-match heels. In 100-degree weather. We had to sweep and mop again, pack all the leftover food back into buckets, clean the bathrooms, put the tables and chairs away, and climb ladders to take down the balloons. The groomsmen obviously stayed outside and smoked. Jane’s dad continued to sexually assault me throughout. I finally sat down from sheer exhaustion and Jane’s mom arrived immediately to tell me to “get off your lazy ass and help.” 

I’m sorry, but wouldn’t the bride be excruciatingly embarrassed that her dad is literally sexually harassing her maid of honor and do something about it? Like????? Anyway, wtf is with the bridesmaids having to do all of the heavy lifting for this piece of sh*t wedding? Where did the bride and groom even go? And if the wedding is over, why are the groomsmen just standing around smoking still? Enjoy lung cancer, boys! All I have to say about the bride’s mom yelling at the MOH is that she can get off her lazy ass and control her disgusting husband’s hands. But more importantly, WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST LEAVE?? Were they being held at this wedding against their will? I truly don’t understand the lengths people will go to because they feel bad/want to avoid conflict.

I passed out on my basement floor mattress as soon as we got back to the parents’ house, and then got up early and left before the gift-opening. I must have been otherwise disappointing and/or offensive I guess, because Jane never spoke to me again. A mutual friend told me though that the marriage lasted eight months. 

LOL. Eight f*cking months. I’m dead. The fact that she even went to the wedding after the whole bridesmaid dress situation is pretty impressive, so she clearly wasn’t that disappointing. I am fully obsessed with this and need to know what the divorcées are up to. 

Can you top that craziness? Prove it! Submit your crazy wedding story to [email protected] with the subject line “Crazy Wedding Story”!

Images: NBC; Giphy (3)

Is It Normal Wedding Stress Or Serious Red Flags? How To Tell

Anyone who has participated in wedding planning can agree that it can be so damn stressful. Whether you’re the bride, groom, MOH, MIL, or bridesmaid, there is a to-do list longer than a CVS receipt. First, you need a budget, a date, and a venue. You also have to make these decisions fairly quickly and pray your venue isn’t booked by some un-engaged girl already planning her fairytale wedding. Next, you have to coordinate vendors, the dress, your bridesmaid dresses, invitations, honeymoon… I think you get the point. 

We’ve all heard the term bridezilla, and there’s a reason for it. Weddings are a lot of work, and they can bring out the worst in people. I, myself, have been in a handful of weddings and have witnessed couples fight over the most trivial things. Really?? We’re getting pissed over linen patterns or up lighting?? I’ve seen these spats over decor turn into a scene from Fight Club.

As a former bride and also as someone who has called off her wedding, I’m familiar with tension before the big day. My ex-fiancé and I bickered about the guest list, venue, flowers, you name it. These wedding quarrels morphed into us going to war about everything from finances to family to our careers. Before I called it off, I would constantly question if everyone who plans a wedding struggles with this or if I was just in the wrong relationship. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t normal.

So, the question is: are these normal pre-wedding disagreements, or are these serious warning signs that this person isn’t your ‘til-death-do-us-part? Read on for some signs that your wedding disagreements are an indicator of unhappiness to come.

Why Did You Get Engaged In The First Place?

Social media has really changed the game for engagements and weddings (I blame Laguna Beach for starting prom-posals). There’s nothing wrong with it, but today it’s pretty much the standard for people hire photographers and plan over-the-top engagements, which they then post over and over again on Instagram. Same goes for weddings. Every part of your wedding day is documented by friends and family on social media. Let’s not forget about the teaser pics right after the big day that only warn of a few weeks later when your IG feed will be inundated by wedding shots. 

Wedding Stress: It’s normal to overthink your hashtag or worry about selecting the perfect photographer. You’re paying a TON of money for these services, so you have the right to be picky. But ask yourself: if you took away the fancy dress, flowers, and glam squad, would you still want to marry this person and spend the rest of your life with them? One of my best friends was so over her family’s BS that she and her now-husband canceled their 300 person extravaganza and had a surprise wedding with 40 people instead. This didn’t stop her MIL from wearing a white gown to the event, but at the end of the day, it was about their love for each other—not the fancy ballroom. 

Red Flag: If you answered no to the above question, you might want to reconsider this engagement. If all you care about is how your wedding will look to others, this is not a good sign. If you can’t imagine this day without all the bells and whistles or if it makes you cry inside thinking about someone posting an unflattering photo of your venue on, take a step back to reflect on why you actually want to go through with this. After I got engaged, I posted a picture of my proposal on Instagram within an hour of it happening. I remember being annoyed by the caption my ex used for his post (something along the lines of “she said finally”). While it’s normal to share your engagement on IG, looking back, I should have been more excited to celebrate our engagement with him and less concerned with the perfect filter or caption. 

How And Why Do You Fight? 

couple fightng

It’s expected to have disagreements about venue location or booking a band vs. a DJ. Everyone has a vision of what this day will look like. I’m sure you’re also getting forceful opinions from your family or future in-laws. You might bicker about your guest list—should you invite your creepy uncle or your future father-in-law’s clients? Does your fiancé’s #foreveralone bestie get a plus-one? There are a million and one scenarios that can have you and your SO at each other’s throats.

Wedding Stress: No matter what the argument is about, you want to feel heard by your SO. Relationships are about compromise, and you should respect each other’s opinions when there is any type of disagreement. There shouldn’t be any blaming or name-calling when things go wrong. You should move on quickly after an argument, and fights over wedding favors shouldn’t turn into screaming matches about what religion you’ll raise your future kids. Also, an important point to keep in mind: a lot of arguments stem from family drama. It’s important your SO puts your feelings before their family’s and always listens to you first. Here’s a good example of this done right: My friend’s husband’s family paid for their entire (six-figure!) wedding, but every decision was made together. He never once held the money over her head to get his way. Wedding disagreements should not come between you and your fiancé. On the flip side, my ex always told me he would choose his family over me any day. If he went to his mom to question my flower choices, what made me think he wouldn’t talk sh*t to his mom about my parenting style when we had kids?

Red Flag: It’s a MAJOR warning sign if your SO gaslights you every time you fight. You shouldn’t feel unreasonable, crazy, or unheard when you’re just trying to get your point across (this also holds for arguments outside of wedding planning). I spent a long 6 years with my ex where I was always justifying my feelings. His favorite line when we fought was, “I think your parents dropped you on your head as a baby because you’re crazy”. I know, awful right?

Another major warning sign is constantly walking on eggshells around your SO. You should never have the mentality that it would be easier to keep something to yourself in order to avoid a fight. My ex and I fought a lot—I eventually stopped bringing things up to him because I was afraid of setting him off. It got to the point where I secretly planned our honeymoon because I couldn’t mentally handle another battle. Not a good sign.

Does Your Future Spouse Make Planning Easy Or Difficult?

stressed 

How did they react when you scheduled a tour of 10 venues the weekend after you got engaged? Did they freak out when you told them the florist was $10k over budget? Did they ditch a cake tasting or black out when you went to see a band showcase? I might sound like a broken record at this point, but how your partner deals with the planning process is a huge indicator of what type of relationship you’re in. 

Wedding Stress: It’s OK if your groom doesn’t want to be involved in every single detail of wedding planning. You probably have better taste in European-style flower arrangements, anyway. I went to every vendor meeting with a friend for her wedding, and we had way more fun picking out color schemes and candle holders than she would have had if she’d brought her then-fiancé. The difference is, her now-husband is an awesome guy and would always praise her for having great taste—he just didn’t have a vision for envelope liners and calligraphy styles. If he’s taking the backseat, your SO should be happy to let you plan and be appreciative of the effort you put into it. If he’s willing to be your hype man over classic hand-tied bouquets, imagine how supportive he’ll be for the important stuff. 

Red Flag: If your SO makes every part of the planning process a challenge, you’re in red flag city. This could look like anything from delaying you from making decisions to a complete lack of interest in the planning process, not showing up to things, or being overly critical once you make a decision. For instance, my ex would call me impulsive for moving forward with any stage of the planning process. I had to wait three months post-engagement before we were even allowed to talk about venues or setting a date. And, while being completely uninterested in planning, he still managed to be highly critical of every decision I made. His response to when I picked our invitations: “those look like funeral announcements”. Tbh, he made planning so miserable it kind of felt like I actually was planning a funeral! 

At the end of the day, you know yourself and your relationship better than anyone else. If you don’t feel supported or if the arguing is spiraling out of control, talk to your SO! Communication is clutch while wedding planning and it will continue to be important throughout married life. It may feel like it, but you aren’t trapped or committed to going through with your marriage. There are plenty of people who have called off an engagement, and they are better for it! 

Images: Petr Ovralov / Unsplash, Giphy

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: They Made Their Guests Cook & Clean

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

Because I have been single for about a hundred years, I’m not proud of how much I know about weddings. I don’t even know where I learned all this sh*t, maybe from planning my brother’s wedding in full, or maybe just from reading bridezilla stories from across the internet. Probably a little bit of both, tbh. Either way, I know enough about wedding etiquette to know when people are completely f*cking it up. Even though every bride with whom I’ve ever come into contact was absolutely a micromanager, that doesn’t mean all brides are super Type A and want every detail of their wedding to be just so. Some, in fact, are pretty chill and just want to push all the responsibilities on other people, like their planners, maids of honor or, in some f*cked up cases, their very own guests! That brings me to an email submission we received from the sister of a groom whose wedding was a true and utter sh*tshow. The first line of said submission is, “My brother’s wedding was a grade-A disaster and, to be frank, it was trash.” I knew I was in for a good time because this girl is as petty as she is honest, and I’m here for it. Grab the popcorn.

All you need to know at this point is that the newlyweds-to-be are violently high-maintenance, cheap af, and assholes. I mean, lethal combo. Also, the wedding is taking place in a very small town that has no hotels. Luckily, the bride’s family lives in/near said small town, so they’re set. Great!

My brother invited me, my fiancé, my sister, and parents to come from across the country and my aunt, uncle, and grandma to come from Europe. Neither bride nor groom thought about where people would stay, though, and imagined that our foreign family (who speaks little to no English) would just figure something out. In this small town that doesn’t even have a motel. 

I mean, I can’t even trust my English-speaking relatives to do anything at all, so I can’t imagine how confused and frustrated these foreigners must be trying to figure out Airbnb or whatever else is available in this hick town. I get that the bride and groom are probably overwhelmed with sh*t they have to do before the wedding, but providing a few options for family and friends to sleep is a pretty big one to forget about.

The family decided not to come and they eventually agreed to give my parents a spare room in their house. My fiancé, sister, and I got to sleep in tents in their yard. 

Understandable that the family would decline the invite, but what is not understandable is sleeping in a tent, like, ever, but especially the day before your brother’s wedding! WTF? I’d really like to know whose idea this was.

My brother asked me to make a wedding cake and cupcakes for them and I agreed that that would be my gift. Unfortunately, they insisted on a large-ish cake and enough cupcakes for each guest to have three. When I explained this was unnecessary, they insisted on the amount. Because they have such a small kitchen in their house I had to do all the baking and decorating the night before the wedding at a local bakery once they closed for the day. So I was up all night baking up a storm.

Okay, the groom sounds like he also kind of sucks. I am usually more excited about the prospect of a cupcake than I am sex, but three sounds like a little much. Like, yep, let’s eat an entire meal, cake and three smaller cakes, and then dance? No thanks! Also, the fact that the groom’s sister spent the night before her brother’s wedding baking 700 cupcakes in a random kitchen and then calling it a night in a f*cking tent on the bride’s front lawn is insane. I used to think I deserved sister of the decade award for simply existing in the same house as my idiot brothers, but this girl definitely earned the medal. She is a saint.

The night before the wedding is traditionally the rehearsal dinner, is it not? Well, none of my family was allowed to come to the rehearsal (there was no dinner) and when my mom and I came by the location to see where we would need to set up, the bride was pissed that we dared show up and that we weren’t cooking and baking for the next day.

Correct me if I’m wrong, which I’m not, but the rehearsal dinner is for family and out-of-towners, so it’s very weird and rude that the groom’s sister and parents were not only not invited, but expected to spend the night before their son’s/brother’s wedding cooking for it. That’s not all, though! The family wasn’t the only crew expected to bring some nosh to this wedding because IT WAS A POTLUCK WEDDING. I could spend paragraphs going off on how tacky that is, so to spare you all, I’ll just move on.

So we get to ceremony day and the bride is pissed at me and my sister, who are grooms women, for “not doing our jobs,” which were apparently to show the guests where to go, where to bring food, etc. We would have done it had anyone told us. Maybe she mentioned it during the rehearsal we weren’t invited to? Then everyone gets in their places and it’s ceremony time, but for whatever reason, there’s no music.

As a frequent wedding-goer, it is definitely not the job of anyone in the groom/bridal party to serve as ushers during the ceremony. That’s why they have, you know, specific ushers. Of course, the Bride from Hell blamed the sisters for the mess of guests and I bet she also blamed them for the lack of music. I can imagine her being like, “You were supposed to learn how to play violin for this, God! How did you not know??” She made sure everyone knew she was mad, but saved her most aggressive moments for the reception, where the guests were apparently supposed to drag their ceremony chairs themselves. Uh, k.

Then we get to the potluck cash bar reception. People are eating and drinking and things are normal until the bride gets drunk. She was wearing a short dress that she kept lifting up to flash everyone. Most of the guests were her family, so I’m sure they loved that! She doesn’t stop drinking and starts going up to female guests undoing our hair and trying to undress us. Then, the couple disappeared. No goodbyes or anything. They just left. People kept looking for them, but when we realized the couple was gone, all of the guests left. This was 9pm at the latest, real wild party. 

I wish I was making this up because there is so much to address here. Before I get into it, I just want to ask why there is a cash bar. The only reason people go to weddings is for the open bar…right? Also, why is Bridezilla flashing everyone? Bigger issue: why would her family love it?? Satan’s Bride obviously loves attention, so why is she ripping off the female guests’ clothes, too? I mean, obviously, like, don’t take off someone’s clothes if they want to keep their clothes on, but also this seems a little off-brand for someone who wants everyone’s eyes on her at all times. Just saying.

Lastly, I’ve been to a wedding or two during where the bride and groom disappear for a little, but I’ve always assumed they’re just, like banging in the bathroom or something because they always come back and pretend they’ve been here the whole time. This couple just straight up left. Qué?? And at 9pm? Jesus! I’ve had dinner reservations later than this sh*tshow of a wedding! 

So we cleaned the hall, packed up the food, and threw out a bunch of stuff (including the insane amount of cupcakes the bride made me bake) and got out of there. Then the couple proceeded to drunkenly fight with my mom when she got to the house and asked why they left without saying goodbye. Apparently they were done with the party and were mad that the DJ wouldn’t play the songs they requested. 

Wow, the guests are way better people than the couple. That’s for damn sure. I would have left that nightmare couple with that mess to clean up—not my circus, not my monkeys.

The next morning the bride started freaking out because she couldn’t find her tiara. Apparently she had one. Eventually we figured out that while she was drunk she threw it off (trying to be sexy, I think) and it landed behind the bar. The bartenders were super nice about the whole thing and kept it safe. This tiara was the most expensive part of this wedding it seemed.

It seemed? This tiara, which, knowing the bride, was probably from Claire’s, was easily the most expensive part of this trash wedding. I’m sure she’ll wear it everyday until the day she dies, too.

A juicy tidbit that the bride doesn’t know: their first dance song was the song my brother was supposed to use for first dance to when he was going to marry someone else. Someone the bride hates.

*Slow clap* Wow, ya truly love to see it. The sister really came full circle with that all-star pettiness and I’m so here for it. What do we think, fam? Is this a one-of-a-kind bridezilla or what? 

Can you top that? Submit your crazy wedding story to [email protected] with the subject line “Crazy Wedding Story”!

Image: The Creative Exchange / Unsplash

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: Hold My Pee

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

This week’s wedding story is short on length, but long on insanity. It comes to us via submission from a wedding planner, Katie, who is truly doing the Lord’s work in wrangling insane brides and bridal parties, and then reporting back all the stupid sh*t they do.

The Set-Up

Let’s set the scene. We’re whisked away to magical Orange County, CA, for today’s ridiculous wedding story story. Katie says this was, in fact, a very high-end wedding—”they spent at least $70k on the event,” she revealed to usbut if there’s one thing I learned from this wedding story, it’s that Countess LuAnn was right, and money doesn’t buy you class. She added, “the wedding was even published on a well-known blog after the fact,” a fun fact that is going to become even more outrageous once you’ve read the full story. Katie’s email to us begins:

“I’m a wedding planner and have my fair share of crazy wedding stories, but this one is my favorite:

The bride showed up to the wedding about 5 minutes before the ceremony was set to start, double fisting a Bud Light and a Coors Light, clearly trashed. I came up to the bridal suite a few minutes later to get them lined up for the ceremony, and as I opened the door a bridesmaid handed me a flower vase full of warm pee, with a used tissue balanced on the edge.”

Wait, WHAT? First of all, the bride is double-fisting Bud Light and Coors Light. Is this a wedding or a f*cking pledge party? Where’s the champagne? The mimosas? At the very least, couldn’t they have been drinking spiked seltzer? All of those options feel classier and more wedding-appropriate than what I’m seeing here. But like, I guess the bigger problem is that the bride was wasted right before she was set to walk down the aisle, regardless of the beverage of choice that got her wasted.

Aside from the very questionable drink choices, why, oh why, did she choose to pee in a f*cking vase? There must be a legit explanation here, right? Well, there is… sort of, depending on your definition of “legit”.

Why, God, Why?

Katie continues:

“She explained that the bride didn’t want walk to the bathroom (which was very close, mind you) so she decided to pee in the vase. The bridesmaids shoved the vase into my hand without warning, hesitation or apology, and I was left standing there with my mouth open and a vase full of piss in hand while 10 bridesmaids waltzed past me down the aisle.

 I still can’t get over that one 4 years later. And that poor bridesmaid, at least I was being paid that day.”

STOP. So, first of all, the bride literally couldn’t find it in her heart to walk to the f*cking bathroom? Wouldn’t squatting over a toilet have been easier than squatting over a vase? I’ve been to the doctor, and in my opinion, peeing into a small vessel is no easy feat. Was there a long line for the bathroom? Did the bride not think she could get her Spanx down in time? I literally have so many questions. Secondly, what did Katie DO with the vase of pee? I def would have said, “oh, no thank you” and put that sh*t down on the floor for someone else to deal with. I know you’re getting paid, but there’s a price for such things, and that price does not cover my dignity.

Also, now I really want to read the writeup of this wedding in the so-called “well-known blog”, just to compare the article with reality.

Do you have a crazy wedding story? Send it to [email protected] and we just might write about it.
Images: Samantha Gades / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
4 Bridesmaid Duties You Should Absolutely Say No To

When’s the last time you said no to a friend? Um, for me it was five minutes ago when a friend tried to change our Saturday brunch plans at a place with a free pastry basket to do a workout class. There’s a zero percent chance I’m ditching carbs on the “Day of Rest” to burn calories…you can quote me on that.  My point is, we say no to our friends all the time, yet when we say I DO to being a bridesmaid, that word gets deleted from our vocabulary.

Spend $500 on a bridesmaid dress you’ll never wear again? Ugh, sure. Find your passport so you can jet to the south of France for the bachelorette party that you’ll totally cover most of the costs for? Fine, whatever. Take off a handful of precious vacation days to help the bride go dress shopping and watch her try on Spanx until you find a pair that sucks her in perfectly? Ugh, I already asked my boss for time off. We find ourselves saying yes to everything, even things we can’t afford, don’t have time for, or simply don’t want to do.

Let’s all commit to rolling our eyes at that and instead saying the word “no.” Practice with me now:

“Will you wear this hideous bridesmaid dress that accentuates all the features of your body you work year-round to hide?”

NO!

Jot this list down of all the things you totally can and should say no to as a bridesmaid.

1. Spending Your Rent Money On The Wedding 

Being a bridesmaid is stupid expensive. If you have to do it a couple of times a year, you either have to drain your savings account, dip into your 401(k), or ask your parents for a loan. All for what? So you can pay for a stripper to knock on the door of the bachelorette party or to afford gifts for the engagement party, bridal shower, and wedding?

Before you hug the bride and say “thanks for choosing me,” think about how much money you’re willing to spend on her wedding. Set a limit. If you had to sit in front of your accountant and admit how much you spent on being a bridesmaid, would you be racked with shame or eager to spill the tea that you stuck to your budget? Probably the first. 

If your budget is $500, which is a third of what the average bridesmaid spends (TF right?!), tell the bride ahead of time that you will be buying a dress that you can afford, skipping the international bachelorette party, and only getting a gel manicure once during the wedding process (and it’ll be a color that you actually like, even if that means gold sparkles, deal with it Bridezilla).

2. Wearing An Ugly Expensive Dress

The older I get the more I want to know exactly how Katherine Heigl’s character could afford to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings.

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 23, 2019

Be real, even if there were no more dress stores on the planet and you had nothing in your closet but old bridesmaid dresses (like some 27 Dresses sh*t), you still wouldn’t be caught wearing one of those things again, ever. You’d gladly make a dress out of a bed sheet to avoid putting on a generic-looking bridesmaid dress that wraps you up like the Toga you wore freshman year to the Sigma Chi date party.

Unless the bride is paying for the dress, you have the right to say no to any dress she picks out. If the color makes you look washed out, the style makes your boobs feel violated, or the price tag makes you gargle your own saliva, you can and should say no. The bride has the right to ask that her squad looks coordinated, fine. But she doesn’t have the right to nitpick the outfit like she’s on Fashion Police.

3. Becoming Her Personal Assistant

Nowhere in the job description for bridesmaid does it say “you are my personal bitch and are on-call 24/7 for all my needs, wants, and desires.” The only thing the bridesmaid description should say is that you’re DTF: down to have fun even when my crazy mother-in-law is stressing me out over the color of tablecloths. 

So if you’ve taken more than two “emergency” trips to a CVS, answered the phone at 2am more than once to hear the bride complain about a slimy wedding vendor, or found yourself on your hands and knees hot glueing centerpieces for the bridal shower, without getting a thank-you or a free bottle of wine to accompany you, start saying no. There are people the bride can pay to do all this dirty work: a professional bridesmaid! A day-of coordinator! A wedding planner as good as J.Lo! 

4. Being A Bridesmaid 

Being a bridesmaid is like working two 9-5 shifts in a row and not getting paid

— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) September 30, 2019

There’s zero reason a bride needs 10 bridesmaids, except if she craves drama or wants a gaggle of people walking down the aisle to prove to her guests that she has friends. So if being a bridesmaid just isn’t something you’re into right now or you have a ton of other things happening in your life and you know you’re going to ghost the bride the second she asks you for a favor, say no. 

Instead, offer to read a poem during the wedding ceremony or help her plan one tiny part of the wedding. You can stay involved and show the bride how much you adore her without running up your therapy bill and having a panic attack a week over someone else’s wedding all because you’re trying to be a subpar bridesmaid. 

Images: Shutterstock.com; betchesluvthis, betchesbrides / Twitter

Crazy Wedding Story Of The Week: Bride Makes 8-Year-Olds Cry

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

Do you ever sometimes just want to be a bride for a day so you have the “excuse” to act like a batsh*t psycho, be mean to little kids, and tell everyone it’s YOUR SPECIAL DAY? Me too. I was already a bride, though, so my time has come and gone. So instead, I’ll have to stick to living vicariously through demanding internet brides, which is why we started a Crazy Wedding Story of the Week series. If you missed the inaugural Crazy Wedding Story, click here. If you’re caught up because you live for this stuff as much as I do, then get ready. The subject of today’s crazy bride story made little kids cry, which, #goals, and also, #respect. Let’s just dive right in, because I don’t have all day.

WTF Happened?

Posted in the AITA subreddit (Am I The Asshole, for those of you who don’t internet quite so hard as I do), a bride felt she had to “choose” between two flower girls and her methods for choosing were, in a word, shallow. Things spiraled from there.

She writes:

“Got married last weekend and had a lovely day, but had some commotion early on the wedding day.

For flower girl, we had a choice between my two nieces, Amber and Katie. They’re both eight and it was a tough decision. Unfortunately for my perfect day I felt shallow and since Amber has more of a typical angelic ”cute” appearance (very long hair, glasses, big smile) I picked her. Her parents also convinced me she deserved it because she got top marks in some assessment her school did.

During the wedding prep Katie and her dad (my brother) kept telling me that Amber had been bullying her about the fact she didn’t get the job. The girls have never liked each other for reasons I don’t know. I didn’t pay too much mind to it since I was too caught up in myself.”

Alright, this starts out tame enough. I mean, I’m not really grasping why this woman couldn’t just have two flower girls, but I guess we wouldn’t have a Reddit thread to make fun of then, would we? Also, I’m dying at the fact that the bride admits she was feeling shallow and that she actually pretended to give a f*ck about Amber getting good grades. We all know that didn’t even remotely affect your decision. Just say you were doing it for the pictures and keep it moving.

The Bully Battle

Because 8-year-old girls are some of the meanest creatures known to man, naturally, they start bullying each other and it takes a wild turn.

“On the wedding morning I got to witness the bullying myself and it was pretty cruel. Amber (and keep in mind this is an eight year old child) told Katie that she’d never get married because she’s too ugly. I could imagine how upsetting this would be for a child and I made Amber apologise and also took away the flower girl job and gave it to Katie. Amber was crying throughout the wedding day, and for the past days I haven’t heard anything from her dad my other brother.”

First off, jazz snaps for the classy Queen’s English spellings (I assume this epic Reddit thread was written from the UK, and like to imagine that Kate Middleton is actually the author). Secondly, LOL at switching flower girls ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING. Like, could you not just say “hey, now we have two flower girls and you have to share because being an asshole gets you nowhere in life.”

Additionally, I have SO many questions related to hair, makeup, and dresses for these little monsters. Didn’t Amber already have a dress? Had she already rehearsed exactly how to walk down the aisle and use her cuteness to charm literally everyone? How would Katie know what to do? Did she have something acceptable to wear? Did she make Amber give her the dress? Are they even the same size??? *Takes deep, calming breaths* you’re right, I’m too deep into this story. But somebody has got to ask the important questions.

The Aftermath

Now everyone’s mad and nobody wins, except, I guess, the bride, who’s about to experience a super fun honeymoon without any (literal) middle school drama. OR SO WE THOUGHT:

“My husband and I are going away on our honeymoon on Thursday, and i was anxious to get in touch with my brother before we leave. He finally called me and was extremely angry at me for taking the job away from his daughter. He said Amber has been crying the past two days and felt really humiliated, and was really looking forward to the job.

As someone who was bullied myself growing up, it felt like the right thing to do after Amber’s behaviour towards Katie. I can’t imagine how upsetting those comments would be, and at that point Katie, who had never been anything other than well behaved deserved it more than Amber.”

OK, there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, I get the brother being mad that his kid got shafted out of flower girl duties at the last minute. However, he needs to recognize that number one, this is not a big deal at all, but number two and more importantly, his kid was, without mincing words, a total asshole. I feel like this is a valuable parenting/teaching moment. I get the impulse to deflect responsibility, but your kid is not going to get anywhere in life if they never face consequences for sh*tty behavior.

Also, where are Katie’s parents in all this? I feel for this kid. Someone buy her a stuffed animal or some cotton candy!

The post author, our bride, has been voted an asshole, for those who are interested. I’m inclined to agree if ONLY for the fact that both girls should have been flower girls to begin with. (To her credit, and not to pile on her too much, the bride says that she just genuinely did not think to have two flower girls.) Also, she was kind of an asshole for picking a kid strictly based on cuteness instead of whether or not she was a mini Regina George. I do hope, though, that these third grade monsters and their parents don’t ruin this bride’s honeymoon. Nobody deserves that for a “job” that is just scattering some flower petals.

Images: Shutterstock.com / Unsplash; Giphy (2)