Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.
On Saturday night, I was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, and hoodwinked into having dinner with three of my recently married friends. Annnnnnd kill me. Anyway, even though I was both a guest and a bridesmaid at all three of these girls’ weddings, they spent the first hour of dinner showing me pictures as if I didn’t spend my rent money on being a part of their nuptials. The main takeaway? Wedding Instagrams are to newlyweds what “take me back” vacation photos are to single people. So naturally, the bride and groom want their wedding to be as Insta-worthy as humanly possible. Understandable.
Unless you’re Adriana La Cerva getting married in Tony Soprano’s house, the bride usually gets to drive when it comes to every little detail of her wedding. But sometimes, brides attempt to take that too far. This leads me the most amazing thing I’ve ever read on the internet, the Reddit Am I The Asshole (AITA) subreddit titled “AITA for asking my bridesmaid to temporarily change her vibrant hair colour for my colour schemed wedding?” Ok, I’ll give her a point for being British, but will definitely crown her the asshole here because it’s 2020 and friends shouldn’t ever ask friends to change their appearance for a wedding.
But I know what you’re thinking: maybe this girl has like, bright blue hair, which I could kiiiinda understand the bride wanting to change even though the demand is unreasonable. And you’d be wrong. Even I didn’t see this twist coming.
The bride starts off strong:
“The ongoing issue is that my wedding has a blue and green peacock theme” (why) “and guests have been asked to follow this colour scheme with their clothes. Hair wasn’t originally included at all in the colour scheme, but my cousin Ella has natural bright ginger hair.
I would never ask someone to permanently change their hair for my wedding, I know that would be bonkers so I suggested some temporary hair dye, but Ella argued that she has been growing her hair for six years and doesn’t want to risk the colour not washing out. I thought this was ridiculous because it literally says washes out in like 14 washes. But Ella says because her hair is completely natural colour it might take strongly to her hair.”
First of all, wtf is a blue and green peacock theme? Why peacocks? Will there be peacocks at the wedding? Where does one procure peacocks? I need more info on the peacock situation. Condolences to Ella, though, on her lack of a soul, but as my beautiful redhead girlfriend
complains about all the time tells me, once a ginger dyes her hair, it’s really hard to get her natural color back. Anyone who’s friends with a red-headed person knows this because it’s literally all they talk about, so the fact that the bride is asking her bridesmaid/cousin who’s never taken a foil to the head to dye her hair for the sake of fitting in with the weird af wedding theme is pretty rude. Honestly, Ella shouldn’t have to explain why she doesn’t want to f*ck up her hair with drugstore chemicals, but here we are. Also, 14 washes? Unless you wash your hair every damn day, that could take weeks to get out, and the bride is acting like it’s easy-peasy.
“So I gave up on that avenue and suggested a wig, it is one day, one single day, and there are some amazing wigs these days. I had a look on Instagram and you wouldn’t even be able to tell. But she said she would feel self-conscious and weird wearing a wig and that because her hair is butt length that it might sit weird on her head. So she won’t dye it, and won’t cover it up. I really don’t want to come across as a bridezilla but butt-length flaming red hair will destroy the wedding photos, and ruin the colour scheme completely.”
I once went to a birthday dinner that was wig-themed, so I got a Kylie Jenner-looking number and truly hated it. It was so uncomfortable and stupid-looking that I couldn’t keep that thing on for more than a few minutes at a time, and my hair is only shoulder length! I can’t even imagine trying to get a wig on a head of hair that’s basically grazing the floor at this point. Tbh, I feel like the bizarre color scheme and wild peacocks will ruin the photos more than your bridesmaid’s very normal hair. Also, it’s not like she just recently dyed her hair magenta and it’s all anyone can see. Like, we’re talking about her natural hair color here. No one is going to be like, “She seriously came to this wedding with the hair color she was born with?”
Im at a loss, I can’t cut her from the wedding because my mom would murder me, but I can’t have freaking Merida ruining the photos, AITA for asking this of her for just one single day?
First of all, Merida was a brave soldier who saved her mother, there’s no need to bring her into this. Also, is anyone else seeing the hilarious irony here? Just the English major? Cool. So the bride is saying that her cousin should just dye her hair because it’s one day of her life, but this horrible dye job will not only live forever in the photos, it will also likely ruin her natural color and take at least two weeks to rinse out. Like??? Anyway, to answer the bride’s question, yes, honey, you are the asshole.
Before I end, there’s an update!
EDIT: Ella has dropped out of the wedding because we couldn’t reach a compromise so it doesn’t matter anymore. I now have to deal with my mom and aunt chewing me out over it all.
Honestly, good for you, Ella. F*ck your cousin. I’d drop out of the wedding too, and I probably wouldn’t even attend.
Look, the only time it’s okay to demand someone change her appearance is on makeover day for America’s Next Top Model. Other than that, we non-Tyras need to just let our friends and cousins and whoever look how they want to look. If red-heads are so offensive to you and your stupid photos, maybe don’t ask them to be in your bridal party. Then find a therapist to find out who hurt you.
For more, subscribe to our NEW Betches Brides newsletter
If you’ve been asked to give a wedding or rehearsal dinner toast, there is one very important thing you must remember, no matter what: It is NOT a roast. No matter how tempted you are to throw out some inappropriate jokes, lock it up for the next few minutes and try to act like an adult. You’re not a stand-up comedian. Please just keep it short, sweet, and unlikely to embarrass the bride’s extended family. I know that giving a speech is hard, especially in front of people you don’t really know, but this is not really the time to trot out the strategy you use on awkward dates and just deflect with inappropriate humor. The good news is, if you avoid saying the following things, your toast is likely to be a huge success.
Imagine having the responsibility to give a toast at Kanye West’s rehearsal dinner.
— Matt Dentler (@MattDentler) May 23, 2014
1. “I Never Thought This Day Would Come!”
While this may actually be true because your BFF literally had no game in college (did you, though?), avoid this one. There’s no way for this comment to be taken as a compliment, and the crowd won’t know how to react. After all, this day did come, so clearly you were wrong.
2. “Funny Story, The Bride Used To Have A Huge Crush On The Best Man!”
you want me to write a wedding toast? oh, i thought you said wedding roast…
*slowly crumples up 18 savage pages worthy of Michael Scott*
no, it’s no problem at all…
— Kaitlyn Pyle (@kvpyle) June 14, 2019
Can we say AWKWARD? That is definitely a story that should not leave the bachelor/bachelorette party (regardless of whether it took place in Vegas or not). It’s weird to hear about anyone the bride or groom dated in the past in a wedding or rehearsal toast, and even more so when he or she’s sitting right there. Also, it accomplishes nothing except making everyone really uncomfortable.
3. “50% Of Marriages Today End In Divorce”
While this is factually accurate, Lizzo said it best: Truth hurts. And a wedding is not a day you want people to feel hurt. It’s a day to be hopeful, optimistic, and excited about the future. Maybe, just this once, don’t keep it real.
4. “I Am FEELING These Signature Cocktails.”
The bartender might be making those Moscow mules very strong, but try to save the binge drinking until after your speech. A few glasses of champagne for liquid courage is not a bad idea so you don’t sound like you’re giving a presentation to your boss, but save the hard stuff as a celebration for nailing your speech so you don’t make an ass of yourself in front of 200 people.
5. “People Always Thought I Would Get Married First.”
Writing a toast for my buddy’s wedding rehearsal dinner tonight… Need some last minute pointers to bring the house down
— Ryan Seacrest (@RyanSeacrest) September 15, 2017
Generally, talking about yourself in a wedding speech is a no-no, unless it’s related to the couple, and advertising that you were initially ahead in the race to the altar is just plain weird and irrelevant on your BFF’s wedding day.
6. “Who Wants To Take Bets On When They’ll Have Kids?”
The only thing more annoying than people asking when you’ll get engaged is being asked when you’ll have kids. There are so many reasons why this is NOT okay, so just avoid the topic altogether and save yourself an ass-kicking from the newlyweds.
7. “It’s Been A Rocky Road Getting Here…”
No relationship is perfect (except probably J.Lo and A-Rod’s) and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that, so there’s no reason to bring up the on-again, off-again phase so many couples have endured. Clearly the couple is in a great place now, so there’s no reason to reopen old wounds.
8. “He Was So Hammered The Night He Met You, I Can’t Believe He Even Remembered Your Name!”
Again, save this for the bachelor/bachelorette party. The couple’s grandparents don’t need to know that they met during an intense game of flip cup that ended in a one-night stand. Something like “they met at a college party” is about all the information they need to know. Keep it PG and save the couple from some major embarrassment.
9. “We All Know Dave’s Parents Didn’t Love Jenna Right Off The Bat.”
“If you think about it, technically you can’t ruin a rehearsal dinner.” –Me to my cousin after ruining his rehearsal dinner with my toast
— Max Raskin (@maxraskin) May 21, 2018
Again, this is just you asking for an awkward silence. It’s not funny, it’s completely irrelevant to whatever you’re going to say next and will most definitely put a damper on the rest of the night.
10. “Mic Drop!”
This is just a terrible way to end a speech and you should absolutely NEVER do it. EVER.
Above all, if you have to get a second opinion on whether your joke is too “edgy”, just don’t do it. Anything that is going to make the bride or groom feel self-conscious or bad about themselves, definitely don’t do it. And also, don’t get so drunk that you are incoherent. The bar is actually not that high! You can do this.
Images: maxraskin, RyanSeacrest, MattDentler, kvpyle / Twitter
The best part about getting married (other than the whole “finding someone to stand by your side during the good times and bad for the rest of your life” thing), is that for once, FINALLY, everything is all about you. Sure, in your head it usually is, but now? Now it’s for real. Estranged friends come crawling out of the woodwork clamoring for an invitation to the wedding. Acquaintances who are trying to make their calligraphy businesses take off DM you about place cards. Family members comment on how prominent your collarbones are. It’s the stuff of dreams.
And then it happens. The phenomenon that occurs when a bride is of moderate popularity and child-bearing age: One of your 4-12 bridesmaids has the AUDACITY to get pregnant.
View this post on Instagram
Whether she had been trying to get pregnant for years or this was a total accident miracle baby, you’re now faced with the fact that NOT ONLY is one of your besties jeopardizing all of your plans, but now she’s, dare I say, upstaging you? Before you throw her out of your wedding and wish ill upon her unborn child, take a deep breath and do your best not to jeopardize your entire friendship over something as small as bringing another human life into the world. If you want to ensure your friendship lasts beyond the second trimester, heed our advice and remember: Pregnant friends now make for great babysitters if you pop out a few of your own in the future. So if you do have a pregnant bridesmaid, here’s what NOT to do.
Don’t: Make Her Feel Like Sh*t
The most impressive thing my body has ever done is digest 14 breadsticks while hungover at the Olive Garden. Your friend is growing a human inside of her. Rumor has it, that sh*t takes work. Odds are, she’s already feeling bad. Between the morning sickness, backaches, and nightmares about having to take care of another human for the rest of her life (I’m just spitballing here), she’s already dealing with a lot. While it’s a bummer that she’s not going to be tossing back tequila in Cancun with you at your bachelorette party or partaking in some ceremonial puff-puff-pass after getting back to your Airbnb, do your best to love her in this stage. Take a million ‘grammable party bump pics and utilize your other friends for their overzealous alcoholic tendencies. Her ability to down Fireball like a fish may be gone for now, but her spirit is always with you. RIP.
Don’t: Expect The Same Level Of Commitment
Being a bridesmaid is like working two 9-5 shifts in a row and not getting paid
— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) September 30, 2019
Before she started growing a person inside of her, there was a good chance your friend would have been right by your side (physically and mentally) every step of the way. Dress shopping, mother-in-law bitching, wine nights to stuff invitations that turn into party nights to complain about how your fiancé doesn’t seem to care which linens you pick—she was your go-to. Now? She’s going to the doctor twice a week (disclaimer: I have no idea how often pregnant people go to the doctor, but this feels like a solid guess), sitting with her legs elevated 24/7, and insisting she needs to go home by 9pm.
Instead of expecting her to perform at the same caliber as she would have been if she hadn’t
forgotten to use a condom gotten knocked up, use her condition to your advantage. Ask your other, less pregnant bridesmaids to do the heavy lifting and hide out with Preggers in the other room, catching up and whispering curse words to her fetus. Bow out of the extended small talk at your shower to “make sure your pregnant friend is okay,” while really just talking sh*t together in the bathroom. It might not be what either of you had originally pictured, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to suck total ass, either. It could be worse. I mean, YOU could be the one who’s pregnant, so praise be for that not being the case, amiright?
Don’t: Be Unwilling To Change Your Plans
Turns out, having a baby wreaks havoc on not only your lifestyle but your body too—who knew? Between swollen ankles, an exhausted body that is literally growing another body inside of it, and the fact that you’re not allowed to drink alcohol for the longest period of time since you were like, 16, it’s a f*cking lot. What, I imagine, would make it harder, would be to have one of your besties be unwilling to accommodate you in order to be a part of her special celebrations. Sure, it’s a drag that a bachelorette party during your friend’s third trimester might not work or that a trip to somewhere with Zika might be out. But, as you’ll quickly learn with wedding planning, things tend to not go as planned. You can either embrace it or you can be a total bitch and try to fight it. The first option causes less stress-induced breakouts.
What is comes down to is this: If she’s one of your day ones, and you can’t imagine not having her at as many things as possible, talk with her and be willing to alter plans and compromise together. Unless she’s a total see you next Tuesday, she’ll understand that some things you can’t change, but can compromise on others. At the end of the day, what matters more: having her with you or having the dream events you envisioned in your head? Bonus question: If she’s not there, wouldn’t it mess up your dream anyway?
Don’t: Compare Her Now To What Could Have Been
Before she got knocked up, there’s a good chance she would have been right by your side, throwing up tequila at your bachelorette party or getting drunk with you after your bridal shower and laughing at all of the weird gifts you got from distant relatives (thanks for the fertility herbs, Aunt Jenna). Now? She’s in bed by 10pm at your bach party, if she even went at all, and she left as soon as the gifts were opened at your shower because a wave of nausea hit her. It’s easy to judge and compare her to what your friendship was like before, but ready for some hard truth? Sh*t’s not the same anymore. Not for either of you.
You’re getting married and she’s about to push a human out of her vagina. Instead of dragging your feet and complaining about how you pictured it all to go, try to remember that if everything stayed the same you would still be crying at the club (yes, the club. You’d still be going to CLUBS) about some loser who didn’t text you back instead of getting ready to walk down the aisle. Embrace the changes and do your best to celebrate both of you, as annoying as it might seem in the moment.
Don’t: Make This Time All About You
Remember at the beginning when I said this time was all about you? Joke’s on all of us, because one of your besties failed to practice the ol’ pull and pray. Now, as all of your college friends rush to see your ring, they’re also elbowing their way to your friend to get a bump picture for the ‘Gram. Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, it’s unfair. No, you can’t be a total bitch about it. While in a dream world everyone’s special moments would fall at different times so you could all have your own undivided attention, it tends not to happen that way. It’s the curse of having lots of friends. Sorry, you’re like, really popular.
The key? To ensure everyone has times that are all about them (showers, food tastings, baby registry shopping, etc.) and to focus on their milestones. While your wedding might not be the year-long “all about you” celebration you always pictured (which is obnoxious anyway), it’s better than losing a friendship over a baby that could, potentially, hold your finger with its entire hand someday and cause your ovaries to explode from sheer cuteness.
Don’t: Bend Over Backwards 110%
Sure, she’s a goddess, a gift from heaven, and a glowing, gorgeous example of femininity. But, while her pregnancy announcement is big, your news is too. Compromising so she can be at the shower, understanding if she can’t stay over in your hotel room the night before the wedding, and accepting that standing at the altar for an extended period of time might be too much, are one thing. Her making this time ONLY about her is another. While brides can become bridezillas, moms-to-be can become future-momzillas. If you’re compromising, so should she.
Just like a marriage isn’t a one-way street, neither is friendship, especially when you’re both experiencing exciting, scary, and life-changing moments. You need to be there for each other by listening to the venting, not undermining each other’s fears, and cherishing these special moments without undercutting the other. It’s just as important that she’s on board to compromising because while this time isn’t all about you, it’s (shockingly) not all about her, either.
Don’t: Forget Why She’s In Your Wedding In The First Place
Unless you got wasted and accidentally asked her to be in your bridal party (been there, done that), odds are she’s a pretty important person in your life. Whether she’s knocked up or not, she’s been there for you through tears, triumphs, and most likely lots of bitching about the person you’re going to marry that she PROMISED to take to the grave.
So, as you’re adding “find a breast pumping room” onto your venue to-do list and changing your bachelorette party date to a time when she won’t look and feel like a total beluga whale, remember that this friendship is about more than just a bachelorette party, a picture-perfect wedding, and bridesmaids in dresses that make them look bangin’ but still slightly less hot than you. It’s about being there for each other through the highs and the lows, the wedding planning meltdowns and the post-birth vagina stitches.
At the end of it all, friendship means never having to say, “I’m sorry I was a total bitch to you when milk was seeping out of your nipples at my wedding,” or something like that.
Images: pyrozhenka / Shutterstock.com; betchesbrides / Twitter; Giphy; boredpanda
When’s the last time you said no to a friend? Um, for me it was five minutes ago when a friend tried to change our Saturday brunch plans at a place with a free pastry basket to do a workout class. There’s a zero percent chance I’m ditching carbs on the “Day of Rest” to burn calories…you can quote me on that. My point is, we say no to our friends all the time, yet when we say I DO to being a bridesmaid, that word gets deleted from our vocabulary.
Spend $500 on a bridesmaid dress you’ll never wear again? Ugh, sure. Find your passport so you can jet to the south of France for the bachelorette party that you’ll totally cover most of the costs for? Fine, whatever. Take off a handful of precious vacation days to help the bride go dress shopping and watch her try on Spanx until you find a pair that sucks her in perfectly? Ugh, I already asked my boss for time off. We find ourselves saying yes to everything, even things we can’t afford, don’t have time for, or simply don’t want to do.
Let’s all commit to rolling our eyes at that and instead saying the word “no.” Practice with me now:
“Will you wear this hideous bridesmaid dress that accentuates all the features of your body you work year-round to hide?”
Jot this list down of all the things you totally can and should say no to as a bridesmaid.
1. Spending Your Rent Money On The Wedding
Being a bridesmaid is stupid expensive. If you have to do it a couple of times a year, you either have to drain your savings account, dip into your 401(k), or ask your parents for a loan. All for what? So you can pay for a stripper to knock on the door of the bachelorette party or to afford gifts for the engagement party, bridal shower, and wedding?
Before you hug the bride and say “thanks for choosing me,” think about how much money you’re willing to spend on her wedding. Set a limit. If you had to sit in front of your accountant and admit how much you spent on being a bridesmaid, would you be racked with shame or eager to spill the tea that you stuck to your budget? Probably the first.
If your budget is $500, which is a third of what the average bridesmaid spends (TF right?!), tell the bride ahead of time that you will be buying a dress that you can afford, skipping the international bachelorette party, and only getting a gel manicure once during the wedding process (and it’ll be a color that you actually like, even if that means gold sparkles, deal with it Bridezilla).
2. Wearing An Ugly Expensive Dress
The older I get the more I want to know exactly how Katherine Heigl’s character could afford to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 23, 2019
Be real, even if there were no more dress stores on the planet and you had nothing in your closet but old bridesmaid dresses (like some 27 Dresses sh*t), you still wouldn’t be caught wearing one of those things again, ever. You’d gladly make a dress out of a bed sheet to avoid putting on a generic-looking bridesmaid dress that wraps you up like the Toga you wore freshman year to the Sigma Chi date party.
Unless the bride is paying for the dress, you have the right to say no to any dress she picks out. If the color makes you look washed out, the style makes your boobs feel violated, or the price tag makes you gargle your own saliva, you can and should say no. The bride has the right to ask that her squad looks coordinated, fine. But she doesn’t have the right to nitpick the outfit like she’s on Fashion Police.
3. Becoming Her Personal Assistant
Nowhere in the job description for bridesmaid does it say “you are my personal bitch and are on-call 24/7 for all my needs, wants, and desires.” The only thing the bridesmaid description should say is that you’re DTF: down to have fun even when my crazy mother-in-law is stressing me out over the color of tablecloths.
So if you’ve taken more than two “emergency” trips to a CVS, answered the phone at 2am more than once to hear the bride complain about a slimy wedding vendor, or found yourself on your hands and knees hot glueing centerpieces for the bridal shower, without getting a thank-you or a free bottle of wine to accompany you, start saying no. There are people the bride can pay to do all this dirty work: a professional bridesmaid! A day-of coordinator! A wedding planner as good as J.Lo!
4. Being A Bridesmaid
Being a bridesmaid is like working two 9-5 shifts in a row and not getting paid
— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) September 30, 2019
There’s zero reason a bride needs 10 bridesmaids, except if she craves drama or wants a gaggle of people walking down the aisle to prove to her guests that she has friends. So if being a bridesmaid just isn’t something you’re into right now or you have a ton of other things happening in your life and you know you’re going to ghost the bride the second she asks you for a favor, say no.
Instead, offer to read a poem during the wedding ceremony or help her plan one tiny part of the wedding. You can stay involved and show the bride how much you adore her without running up your therapy bill and having a panic attack a week over someone else’s wedding all because you’re trying to be a subpar bridesmaid.
Images: Shutterstock.com; betchesluvthis, betchesbrides / Twitter
Getting your bridesmaids a gift is kind of like answering your grandma’s butt-dial calls: it’s not necessary, but you do it anyway because it’s the right thing to do. Brides, you don’t have to buy us jewelry with our names spelled out in diamonds, but getting us a little something is a really nice gesture that goes a long way! Seriously, there are a lot of friends to dump after your wedding and bridesmaids shouldn’t be on that list, so get us a pair of monogrammed slippers or something else we can
lose keep forever to be reminded of that time you conference-called us at 3am on a Tuesday to ask if your dress is “too white.” Memories to look back on fondly, am I right?
Generally, the bride gives her bridesmaids gifts both when asking them to be in the wedding and on the big day. Hope this is news to no one. So if you’re a bride wondering what to give your loyal hoes in different area codes that you want by your side for your wedding, look no further! From the always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride herself, here are my personal recommendations for bridesmaids gifts.
Island to East Side Custom Clutch
Look, getting a gift for a group of people must be hard, so get us one we will all definitely love…like this clutch! There are 39 bag colors to choose from and about a million ways to personalize the writing, so you really can’t go wrong here. In case any of my friends who are about to get married are reading this, my personal favorite is the mini structured asymmetrical clutch with matte silver beads, white letters and a removable silver strap, but I’ve only spent two hours of my life on this site, so what do I know? As someone who has received many a stupid gift, I can confidently say that these very chic clutches are a good move because we will actually wear them again, unlike the monogrammed onesie that “got lost” during my move.
Shop Betches Bridesmaid Mug
If you’re a bridesmaid, there is a 110% chance that you are drinking a steamy caffeinated beverage at some point between “will you be my bridesmaid?” and the big day, so why not sip said coffee out of a hilarious mug that will most definitely make anyone who sees you with it smile? I have seven beautiful Anthropologie mugs and this mug, and guess which one everyone loves the most when they open my kitchen cabinet looking for wine glasses? Yep, the Shop Betches one.
BKR Spiked Tutu 500ml
Even though water gives us everything we need to survive and rock a beautiful glow, we do not drink enough of it. Maybe it’s because I’m really busy and forget, or maybe it’s because my big-ass mason jar just isn’t inspiring me. I’ll never know. The first time I saw one of these chic BKR water bottles was in a barre class a year and a half ago, and I’ve thought about getting one every day since. Here’s a few reasons why: they’re glass, so you’re not ingesting all of the toxic sh*t like BPAs commonly found in plastic water bottles, the part you sip from is small, so you don’t have to worry about accidentally dumping water all over yourself at work when you guzzle, and they’re really pretty, so your desk and/or nightstand will look that much cuter. Personally, I like the spiked silicon sleeve, as opposed to the smooth one, because it’s really cute but also badass, which is what every bridesmaid should aspire to be, in my opinion.
Pinch Provisions Minimergency Kit For Bridesmaids
My sister-in-law gave these to her bridesmaids the day of her wedding and let me just say, I am impressed with how useful this tiny pouch and its contents were to me that day. These little guys are 3.5’ x 2” x 2” and are stuffed with fashion tape, floss, nail polish remover, ibuprofen, tissues, earring backs, blotting wipes, bobby pins and a bunch of other sh*t. I am a very organized person and generally always have my bases covered, but on the day of her wedding, the hair stylist accidentally knocked my earring back out and I chipped a nail trying to find it. If you thought my sister-in-law was about to let me walk down the aisle with a chipped nail and one earring, think again. Luckily, I had my handy-dandy Minimergency Kit to save the day! They come in eight different colors, four of which are sparkly, so take your pick!
Sugarfina Will You Be My Bridesmaid Bento Box
People who don’t like sweets are not to be trusted. Sugarfina products are truly superior to all other candy companies, so getting not one, but three of the brand’s signature boxes is a great gift. The bento box is filled with three of Sugarfina’s best-selling gummies, which include Champagne bears, Pink Diamonds, and Champagne Bubbles. The boxes are enclosed with a sticker that reads, “will you,” “be my,” and “bridesmaid?” I mean, is that cute or what? Fun fact: the Champagne Bears are made with Dom Pérignon!
Images: Unsplash; Sugarfina; Pinch Provisions; Shop Betches, Island To East; My BKR
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
It’s no secret that weddings have gotten out of control. Just ask any 29-year-old who’s spent hours every Sunday this summer performing the ritual wedding hashtag stalk. It’s also no secret that the number of millennials currently in debt thanks to their wedding—or worse, other people’s weddings—is not zero.
Asked why, the obvious answer is that people are motivated to do it for the ‘gram. According to Wedding Wire’s Newlyweds Report, 28 percent of couples cited “succumbing to Instagram pressure” as a reason for their increased wedding costs. I mean…that photo of the donut wall cake-cutting that never seems to f*cking leave my explore page may be pretty, but I’d rather not make interest payments on it, and I feel like most people would agree. So can Instagram really be the main reason for increased wedding costs when the average bride has like 500 followers and 10 photos on their hashtag page? (I completely made that statistic up.)
This is the donut wall Instagram that’s everywhere:
View this post on Instagram
Who needs wedding cake when you have a donut wall ??? . . Follow [email protected] Follow [email protected] Follow [email protected] . . . . //Photo by @lukeandmallory //Dress @bellalilybridal //Bride @allyscalf //Groom @ryanscalf •⠀ •⠀ •⠀ • ⠀ #soloverly #weddings #bride #bridetobe #truelove #thebest #pursuepretty #weddingfun #iloveyou #weddinginspiration #instawedding #blushgown #weddingideas #weddingphoto #weddingtime #instabride #gettingmarried #weddingblog #valentino #michaelkors #marriage #perfect #weddingcake #dessert #relationshipgoals #donuts #cuteideas
We spoke to Jamie Lipman, the founder of the event-planning company absolute. Wedding & Event Planning to get her take on what she sees as brides’ main motivations for spending more money, and the answer was a tale as old as time: brides are actually spending to compete with their close friends.
According to Lipman, “As a planner, we’re privy to getting super intimate with our clients, and it’s kind of like therapy. They can just flat-out say, ‘my friend got married last week, it’s gotta be bigger and better.’” And as it goes with friend groups, when one gets engaged, there are usually more to follow. The result is that brides are going to numerous weddings around the time they’re getting married, which creates opportunity for comparison. “I had a girl who was kind of like 27 Dresses—went to a wedding every weekend—so every weekend was something incredibly extravagant. The place card wall was floor to ceiling, they had fire-based entertainment, neon LED lights—she compiled all this stuff and gave me a list of everything she’s seen lately and that she has to do more and have a bigger wow factor. She hit every single possible thing of miscellaneous entertainment that we do in our industry. What she neglected to do was focus on the details.”
“The things people try to one-up are the dresses, outfit changes, the gifts they’re giving their bridesmaids, even the way they thank their vendors on Instagram. Honestly, I see a lot of resemblance in photos after.”
There seems to be no aspect of the wedding—no matter how sentimental or meaningful—that is exempt from competition. “I have had brides who demand to read speeches and toasts ahead of time and critique them because they know how well their best friend’s father did reciting his speech and now she is demanding her dad ‘be more sentimental’ about her,” Lipman says.
Apparently this pattern encompasses more than the wedding itself, and includes pretty much every event a bride could conceive of to celebrate herself, from engagement to honeymoon. “There is an element of status that goes along with the bachelorette,” Lipman explains. “Where are you traveling? How many girls? To see a lot of girls on a trip in your honor makes a statement. So it becomes so much about what will the attire be, as in ‘what will look the best in photos.’ It all looks better in their mind because the actuality of it is that no matter how much you love each other, no girl wants to travel with so many other girls. Intimate environments are what it’s all about.”
At the same time, there’s pressure to do things differently from one’s closest friends, basically for the sake of being different. “We also get brides who don’t want something because their friend had it. I’ve definitely had friends or sisters also tell someone that they can’t have something. Especially if it’s the same venue. Sometimes a bride will want to do something, but their friend got married first and took the idea so now they won’t or feel like they can’t.” She even says, “I’ve definitely heard brides say their friends can’t use the same dress designer.”
Lipman says the real way to stand out is through personalization. “There’s nothing more exciting than the subtle references and details that are specific to the bride and groom, that usually have some humor to it, that make people go ‘wait what? This is great.’” But it’s important to keep it subtle. “Over personalization is something that, when not done right, copied off of social media, or not guided in the right direction by a planner, can be tacky and obnoxious. For example, monograms are pretty basic. I don’t know how important it is to put names of the couples on a logo at the top of the wedding menu anymore. Everyone knows who they came to see.” So make it just a little more interesting.
When it comes to Instagram, she thinks brides use it more for inspiration than for competition. “People gather information from Instagram, but it usually stems from a good place because they don’t know the person whose wedding they’re looking at. It’s usually an influencer and you don’t have a direct connection to them. So you can still appreciate it. None of the other human emotions—jealousy, competitiveness—get in the way. The bride can still take from their idea and truly feel that it is their own because they don’t have friends or family in common with this social media stranger. It won’t trace back in her own world, so she gets to hear ‘wow…that was so creative, I can’t believe you did that.’”
We asked her how stressful this must be to deal with and she assures us that, “it’s not always so catty. I think everybody prides themselves on at least trying to be original.” You know what that means: say no to neon signs and donut walls in 2020.
Images: Alasdair Elmes / Unsplash
It’s almost always the same. You’re just walking around, minding your own business, wearing leggings like they’re pants, when suddenly you get the text. The selfie of a distant friend holding up her hand with the dreaded words underneath: “I’m engaged!”
Naturally, two things immediately pop in your head as you zoom in on the rock to try to gauge the size:
- “Awww” and/or “f*ck.”
- “I wonder if I’m going to be in the wedding.”
Whether you’re a seasoned bridesmaid or you’re new to the idea of missing cocktail hour for maybe ONE photo of you and the bride that’s good enough to post on Instagram, you’ll quickly realize that being in a wedding isn’t all sunshine and Spanx. Odds are, if you’ve been asked to stand by the bride’s side, you’ll end up doing one of these classic bridesmaid tasks that will quickly make you realize why so many of your friends fear wedding season like it’s the next White Claw shortage.
9. Group Chat Creator/Moderator
View this post on Instagram
First come the bridesmaid proposal boxes filled with cheap-ass earrings and candles from the Dollar Spot at Target, then comes the group chat. As soon as all of the bride’s besties and politically chosen bridesmaids have been informed of their dutiful roles, the hell-inducing group chat begins. Whether it’s the bride, the MOH, or the bridesmaid who *thinks* she’s the MOH, there comes the day when you look down and see a “Heyyyy ladies,” text with 7-12 unrecognizable numbers blowing up your phone.
Being the person to head this painful exchange of half-hearted pleasantries and snarky opinions is one of the lesser evils, but an evil all the same. Whether you chose to ask for the group’s opinions on things (which is, obviously, a rookie mistake), or you announce decisions to deafening silence where you know a million side texts are being sent out bashing the bride/you about whatever it was you told them to do (“Really? She wants us to wear f*cking flower crowns? In NASHVILLE?”), there’s no telling just how deep the psychological trauma and warfare can go. Pop a Xanny, turn off notifications, and count down the days until you can delete the thread for good.
8. Emergency Kit Maker/Holder
After the group text is established (and by that, I mean ruining your GD life), the bride will inevitably ask someone to put together and be in charge of the over-the-top emergency day-of kit. You’ll shell out a good $200 on sh*t like boob tape, teeth whiteners, and a phone charger that someone will immediately “borrow” and never return, just to potentially forget it all in your hotel room before heading to the venue.
While being the girl who has to lug around a tote full of hair spray and Band-Aids like an overzealous chaperone isn’t exactly torture, having bridesmaids running up to you all night asking for gum/bobby pins/lipstick/oil blotting sheets/setting spray isn’t really what you had in mind when you booked your $480 round trip flight.
7. Ceremony Reader
While this prestigious role could go to a bridesmaid, it could also go to a girl who almost made the cut but didn’t quite get on the A-team. Whether it goes to a bitch in a matching dusty blue dress or not, the bride always seems to think this honor will make up for the fact that this bridesmaid is either in the worst spot, the ugliest dress, or didn’t get to be a bridesmaid at all. While she’ll get a few moments of attention with some ever-cliche Corinthians reading, it’s not worth staying semi-sober until 6pm just for a few minutes of anxiety-riddled glory.
6. Guest Book Attendant
View this post on Instagram
Wedding planning isn’t all rainbows and sunshine—which, if you’re engaged, you’ve definitely figured out by now. (BTW, if it is all that stuff for you, we hate you.) While you may feel like you’re ready to jump off the proverbial cliff you’re standing on, back away. We’re here to let you it’s OKAY if your wedding doesn’t turn out just like your Pinterest board. Link in bio: 15 Ways Your Wedding Expectations Won’t Match Up With Reality. https://betches.co/2ZokM3T
What’s better than begging people whose names you should probably know but can’t remember to sign a picture of the couple wearing matching fall sweaters and hugging (despite the fact that they took the photo in July for their fall Save the Dates and are obviously sweating their asses off) while you’re wearing an ill-fitting dress that was absolutely chosen out of the bride’s own insecurities? Doing this while standing *just* outside a party of all of your friends. Enjoy asking people to scribble their initials on their way to the bathroom like a jackass while your college besties make out with their dates on the dance floor!
5. Beauty Enforcer
The bride said nude heels? Updos? Pale pink nails? Natural eye shadow? No hair ties on the wrists for photos? Being the one who has to tell the girls the beauty rules and make sure they stick to them is not for the faint of heart. Only a true villain can come by with nude polish and sloppily paint over the $60 powder dip burgundy mani the one bridesmaid who didn’t read the extensive beauty rules email got the day before, but someone has to do it*. Be prepared for friendships to end before you even get down the aisle.
(*and by “has to do it,” I mean, “No one gives a f*ck what color your bridesmaid’s nails are,” but alas, here we are.)
Optional: Dog Tender
First and foremost, I gotta say: I get it. I love dogs. Lurrrrve them. I love them just as much as the next basic bitch who crouches on the floor of the bar to pet a Corgi. I. Get. It. And I get having your dog at your wedding. Ol’ Smooches has been there through it all. You just HAVE to have her there (read: you need her for the pictures). You need her support (read: you need her for the pictures). You can’t IMAGINE your day without her (read: you need her for the pictures).
The only problem? Smooches has to be taken care of for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day that a photographer isn’t squeaking a toy in her face in the attempt to get ONE good shot of her with the bride. Luckily, the bride has you! YOU get to be the one to walk Smooches in the damp grass while wearing 4-inch heels. And pick up Smooches’ sh*t while wearing a formal gown. YOU get to check in on Smooches while she’s shoved in a kennel in the hotel room because the manager said she can’t be left unattended.
Lol. Who’s the bitch now?
4. Single Bridesmaid Paired With The Sh*thead Groomsman
Being single at a wedding is the best. You don’t have to worry about your date who will most likely resent you for having to sit at a table alone while you ball out at the head table or deal with the jealousy that comes from you and your friends recounting all of your drunken college shenanigans, most of which involved guys named either Brad, Chad, or Dan.
The worst part? There’s a decent chance (especially if most of the party is already coupled up) that you’ll be paired with the perpetually single groomsman. You know, the guy the bride absolutely hates but the groom insists is actually a sweetheart deep down, despite his raging alcoholism, sexism, and body hair. You’ll spend the whole night dodging him and his sexual advances while he manages to find any way to put his hand on your ass and not-so-subtly hint that, in his eyes, you’re pretty much required to hook up with him. The upside? He’ll like your Instagrams until the day he dies, and he’ll most likely blackout and be asked to leave before the cake cutting, so at least there’s that?
3. The Person Who Has To Make Literally Any Big Decision
At some point in the wedding planning process, things go from fun to f*cked-up reallllllll fast. Most of the time, this happens about .001 seconds after your friend gets the ring. Before that, it’s all over-the-top Pinterest boards and casual wedding venue searching. After *actually* getting engaged, sh*t hits the fan when real vendors have to be hired and real dates/destinations have to be decided on.
The wedding aside, finding a date and location for 17 of your closest friends to drunkenly cry together all weekend is easily one of the biggest stress tests of your life. So, naturally, the bride passes the task off to one of her bridesmaids and lets her handle the fallout. That poor friend has to deal with telling the girls that you’re going to go to Cancún in September even though half of the group wanted Vegas and the teacher friends EXPLICITLY SAID they can only go in the summer. It’s basically a murder-suicide for whoever sends out the Google Poll asking for RSVPs. At least you’re not collecting the money though, right?
2. Reservation Maker/Money Coordinator
Once the bachelorette location is decided on and hated by one-third of the group, the shower venue is chosen, and the beauty salon is selected, the next step is for someone to plop down a credit card. And if daddy’s not paying? That’s going to land on one of the bridesmaids. Whoever is the most type-A and/or has the most to prove to the bride will have to max out all of her cards and send out the Venmo requests. That means a whole bunch of broke twentysomethings are about to get a $500+ charge for a weekend that has nothing to do with them.
Between ignoring the charge, claiming they “dOn’T hAvE tHe aPp,” or continuously “forgetting” to pay then “mysteriously” having a family emergency the week of the bachelorette and flaking, leaving you to pay their share, there’s a 0% chance you’ll make it out debt-free. If you don’t end up resenting at least one girl and getting a call from your bank about exceeding your spending limit within a 36-hour period, you probably did things wrong—just sayin’.
1. Maid Of Honor
There’s one reason and one reason only that ANYONE wants to be the Maid of Honor: so everyone else knows that their friendship pales in comparison to yours. Other than the *hopefully* marginally better dress and photo ops, the MOH is the bride’s bitch through and through, and odds are you’ll have to complete every one of the sh*tty tasks above, and then some, alone. Still, you’re the one who gets to stand right by the bride’s side, hunching over to adjust her train 43 times turning the ceremony to let everyone know that you’re the best, and at the end of the day, isn’t that what being in a wedding is all about?
Images: Devin Devine / Unsplash; betchesbrides / Instagram
For some reason, the biggest wedding faux pas of all time is to straight-up ask for a cash gift. This isn’t the 1950s, so it isn’t everyone’s dream to get a Crock Pot or a new set of knives as a wedding gift (but both of those things are awesome IMO, #adulting). Chances are you and your soon-to-be spouse have been shacking up for a while now (forgive me Father for I have sinned), and your place is probably furnished. So like, you don’t really need another KitchenAid mixer or a bunch of plates because you bought that stuff years ago. Thankfully it’s 2019 and we’ve finally figured out how couples can get what they really want from their guests: money. Here’s how to do it tactfully.
Websites like Zola and Honeyfund have ushered the concept of wedding gifts into the 21st century by giving couples an option to register for items unrelated to houseware. You can ask for money towards your honeymoon, home renovations, an activity, or another large purchase. Guests will feel better about gifting money when you tell them how you’re planning on spending their money. Without enough context, older guests might be convinced they’re funding your next kegger, so be as explicit as possible by asking for things like a couple’s massage on your honeymoon, or a new couch for your living room, so they don’t shy away from giving you that sweet cash.
Don’t Put It On Your Invitation
Guests probably won’t react well if your wedding invitation has your Venmo handle on the bottom of it. You might be tempted to stamp “bring me cash!!!” on the envelope, but try your best to resist. On your wedding website you can provide a link to your cash registry, which will heavily imply what you’d like (which in this case, is cash). We’re moving into the 21st century by being able to give money, but let’s keep things classy when it comes to invitation language.
Spread The Word
me to my family: can you just write me a check and leave me the F alone?
— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) April 16, 2019
We all have that bridesmaid who doesn’t STFU. Normally she’s the only one you can’t tell anything to, but we’ve actually got the perfect job for her. Let her know that you and your fiancé would prefer a cash gift, and (mouthing) off she’ll go. If people ask you what you’d like for your wedding, don’t be afraid to be honest. Let them know you have a lot of home goods already and you’d love them to contribute to your honeymoon or a big furniture purchase. Again, telling them explicitly where their check will go will make them feel better about not giving a physical gift.
Set Out A Card Box At The Wedding
Let’s be real, when you see “cards” written on a wooden box at a wedding, what the couple really means is, “Help me, I’m poor”. Setting one of these by the guest book or the escort card table will let guests know you’re open to receiving checks. Don’t go as far as having the ushers walk up to guests during cocktail hour asking for donations (this isn’t church), but setting it out as an option for guests is a subtle way to ask for dolla dolla bills.
Give People Options
once you accept you’re going to be bleeding money, the entire wedding process will start to get a litttttle bit easier
— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) July 25, 2019
No matter how badly you don’t want a traditional registry, you’ll probably have guests that are sticklers when it comes to tradition (for example, my mother), so it’s a good idea to create one in case people are committed to giving you a physical gift. There are still dozens of options for non-traditional registry gifts, like sports equipment or bar accessories, so you don’t have to get stuck asking for baking trays or a mixing stand if you’d never use those. At the end of the day, people are going to give you whatever gift they feel most comfortable with, so you might as well be prepared with a traditional registry in case.
Images: betchesbrides / Twitter; betchesbrides / Instagram