Everyone knows weddings are a ton of work. But the high cost, high stress, and just general tons of sh*t to do tend to bring out the best and worst in people. And usually it’s more of the worst. When you already have so much going on as a bride, it can really suck when your friends aren’t supportive or there for you. Or even worse, actually CONTRIBUTE to your stress. I mean, there are few things in your life that are as big a deal as your wedding. It’s like, the one thing your friends really have to show up and be supportive at (besides like, your funeral I guess, but you won ‘t even technically be there for that). If you’re thinking of getting married, planning a wedding, or are going to be a bridesmaid in your friend’s wedding, I assure you you’ll have a whole slew of sh*tty people to cut the f*ck out of your life afterwards.
Here’s the thing: as we get older, we totally outgrow people. Our bullsh*t tolerance gets much lower. And we dump people to make room for the good friends. It’s just part of growing up. So here are the friends you most definitely should dump after the wedding. Life is too short to deal with people who suck.
1. The Friend Who Didn’t Show Up
Now, this isn’t the friend that RSVPed “no” ahead of time. That is totally cool. Weddings are expensive and inconvenient, especially if they’re out of town. Letting someone know in advance you’re not going to make it is completely acceptable and ENCOURAGED. However, the friend who says they’re coming, RSVPs they’re coming, and then the week of gets the plague/has a work thing/is going to be out of town (wait what? Didn’t you book the trip post-wedding invitation then?)/has a brother that’s pregnant and somehow this affects your ability to go to a wedding, I don’t know. That friend. That friend that is constantly bailing, flaky, and full of excuses.
Sidenote: Sometimes people get sick and that’s fine, too, but I’m not talking about normal friends who always show up, I’m talking about the ones that ALWAYS have convenient illnesses. If they don’t show up to your wedding with yet another BS excuse on why they bailed last-minute, it’s time to cut them out. They obviously DGAF about you if they’re even going to flake on this.
2. The Friend Who Didn’t Show Up OR Send A Gift
The even worse version of the Flaky Friend is the Flaky Friend Who Didn’t Even Send A F*cking Gift. It’s pretty standard that if you’re invited to a wedding—especially a wedding that you already committed to, you need to at least send a gift. You left an $85 plate of food uneaten because of the short notice, the least you can do is send a blender. So if your friend bails with no warning in a sh*tty way, AND doesn’t have the courtesy to send a gift, definitely dump them. You had to get them a gift for their wedding and you showed up.
3. The Friend Who Threw A Fit About Not Getting A Plus-One
Remember that $85 plate of food? Would you like to pay for someone else’s $85 meal? How about 150 people’s meals? I don’t even want to buy McDonald’s for 150 people! Weddings are expensive as f*ck, if you didn’t know. Okay, now pretend you’re already paying for all of this food (or like, okay, your dad is) and then your friend throws a literal tantrum because you tell her you simply don’t have room for the random guy she’s been seeing for three weeks. You have been planning this wedding for over a year. If they can’t respect that you don’t want to waste a spot so she can bring her rando you haven’t even met, that friend needs to go.
4. The Bridesmaid Who Didn’t Try On Her Dress Beforehand
We’ve talked a lot about bridesmaid etiquette in previous articles. There are a lot of things to do as a bridesmaid that aren’t necessarily required, like going on the bachelorette trip, for example. The only true things that are required of you as a bridesmaid are to help the bride, show up at the wedding, and wear the frilly dress. That is it. So if your bridesmaid decides not to check that the dress she ordered probably nine months prior still fits until you’re walking down the aisle, that is pretty disrespectful. As with any important event, you need to try on that sh*t ahead of time, make sure it’s clean, not wrinkled, and fits properly. If your wedding gets delayed/screwed up because Becky realized her dress doesn’t zip right before the walk down the aisle, it seems like she doesn’t GAF about the majorly important events in your life or your friendship. And if she doesn’t care, you shouldn’t either.
5. The Friend Who Still Owes Money From The Bachelorette
What the f*ck is with people? If a bride or maid of honor planned a bach and fronted money for you, you pay them back immediately. If you can’t afford it, let them know ahead of time and don’t go. Or, at the very least, tell people so you can work out a payment plan. Don’t just pretend like you don’t owe them money! It’s called COMMON DECENCY, people. If you have a friend that ripped off your MoH or was a bitch about paying up the cash they already spent/agreed to, maybe it’s time to cut them out. It’s a shady thing to do and rude af to your friends who did come through that now have to pay more to makeup for it.
What friends did you dump after your wedding/or even a friend’s wedding? Did you have similar experiences to these? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Giphy (5)
Buckle up, buckaroos, cause we’ve got another round of bridal dilemmas, thanks to the lovely folks using Reddit in order to crowdsource opinions on their private lives. This is the sh*t I live for. Last round, we had a crazy bridezilla ask the subscribers of r/amitheasshole if she was being a jerk for demanding her friend help her redo her $30k wedding because she ruined her special day by being pregnant. (Spoiler: the bride was, most definitely, the asshole.) This go-around, we have a dilemma of bridesmaid etiquette. The central issue here comes down to what is and isn’t appropriate for a bride to ask of her bridesmaids on her wedding day, specifically, when it comes to their appearance. In the case of this particular Reddit rabbit hole, the bride in question wants her friend to cover up her tattoo—but not for the reason you might think. This begs the question: is it ever okay to ask your bridesmaid to alter her appearance for your big day? The answer, unlike our last Reddit dilemma, isn’t so cut and dry. So we asked Alyssa Longobucco, Senior Style + Planning Editor at The Knot, to weigh in on what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to bride and bridesmaid etiquette. Let’s get into this beautiful mess of a tale, and Longobucco’s much-needed guidance.
The thread starts out fairly tame.
“I’m getting married this year, and my fiance and I are super excited. I got all the big ticket items paid for and ready to go, and all my girls have their dresses and will look phenomenal in them. Everything was going great until my one bridesmaid posted a picture of her newest tattoo … and now I am slightly mortified that it could end up in my wedding photos. Now all my bridesmaids have multiple tattoos. I have nothing against theirs, or any tattoos for that matter. And honestly if I wasn’t a chickensh*t, I’d have a few myself (but needles freak me out so it’s a hard no for me). So why am I thinking of singling out one bridesmaid for her one tattoo? Well. It looks like a giant..veiny..penis. My mother saw it, immediately called me and asked WTF it was, my MOH texted me asking why she got a d*ck tattooed and a few other bridesmaids contacted me asking what the hell was going on.”
Wow, wow, wow. I almost spit out my wine. I’m glad that the OP here points out that her bridesmaids all look great in their dresses and they all have multiple tattoos. It shows that she isn’t simply being a prude about her maids rocking some ink, which, in turn, makes her next points more valid. It also lends some credence considering that she, her mother, her MOH, and a few other bridesmaids all mentioned the phallic tattoo in question. So, it must be pretty bad for multiple people to have noticed it and pointed it out independently.
So, is it ever chill to ask a bridesmaid to cover up a tattoo or change her appearance in a certain way? Longobucco says, “Loving your friends is about loving all of them—from the personality quirks that drive you crazy, to the tattoo they rock with pride that may not be quite your style. There is no ‘right’ way to do a wedding—so why should there be a right way to look in order to be included in a close friends wedding party? This is a big nope for us!”
Ok, like, totally agreed, but what about PENIS tattoos. What then??
The Tattoo In Question
The OP goes on to explain about the real reason behind said tattoo: “The idea that she was going for was adorable, especially because it signifies her kid’s birthday. But it’s not what it looks like at all. It looks like the side profile of a headless penis. And it’s lightly outlined in pink and blues, so it looks like veins. And the trunk is detailed so it looks wrinkly and overall just a poor execution on what would have been a fantastic tattoo. Now if it didn’t resemble male genitals I wouldn’t care. But it’s a big piece and in a highly visible spot that will be in almost every single photo. I just don’t want a big penis in my final wedding photos. So Reddit, would I be the asshole if I asked her to cover it up? And how could I tell her I want it covered because her tribute tattoo to her little beautiful baby looks like a d*ck?”
I want you all to know that I scoured the internet trying to find a photo of this monstrosity and f*cking succeeded, so
give me a raise brace yourselves. I won’t include the photo here in this article, but you can check it out at this link. (I recommend not doing so if you are at work, in public, or another location where you don’t want people to think you are looking at porn.)
What, in the name of Jesus tap-dancing Christ, happened here? If I was given this tattoo, I’d sue. First of all, the only things that were pink on the OG sketch were the ears; why did the “artist” decide to make the whole damn thing pink?! Also, the bride says it’s in a prominent place, so I’d imagine the maids are wearing sleeveless dresses and this is on the maid’s upper arm. Class, class, class.
So, does the bride have a leg to stand on in terms of asking the maid to cover it up? Ethically, no, according to Lonbobucco. “Honestly, there is no real tactful way and we can’t reiterate this enough—just don’t go there,” she warns. “The most ‘control’ you have around anyone else’s personal presentation on your wedding day comes from asking them to wear a specific style or color of outfit or maybe doing their hair a certain way. But even that is pushing it—it’s unfair to ask someone you care about to spend money they can’t afford or look a certain way that they don’t feel themselves. If you keep running up against the thought that your friends’ appearance isn’t meeting your perceived wedding expectations, you should probably consider forgoing a wedding party all together and allow your friends or family to celebrate you the way they see fit.” The Knot pro also feels like asking a maid to cover a tattoo is sort of in the same vein (sorry, pun not intended) as asking her to dye her hair or get a spray tan. You’re asking them to be in your wedding, so accept them for who they are.
Hmmmm. In all other circumstances, I would agree. But for some reason, this one feels different.
After reading through the comments on the original thread, it sounds like the bride is going to work with her photographer to finesse the pictures so the tattoo isn’t front and center. She says that for the final photos—the ones that are going to be printed out and put in an actual album and given out to friends and family—the photog will pose her in a certain way so as to obscure the tattoo, and do some editing for those images. Thank god for Photoshop! But the bride-to-be specifies that the tattoo will not be covered up in every single photo, because she understands the meaning of the tattoo and appreciates the thought that went into it.
Is this a viable solution? Honestly, I think so—that is, until the bridesmaid sees the pictures hanging in the bride’s house and realizes her tattoo is totally gone. Then, there will probably be an awkward conversation or two. But, given the situation, this seems like a good compromise.
All in all, when it comes to asking your bridesmaids to change their appearance, Longobucco advises against it. Instead, she recommends putting things into perspective. “There are a lot of things you’re going to need to let go of expectations around on when it comes to planning your wedding,” she says. “Any wedding professional will tell you, there’s rarely an event that goes 100% perfect throughout the day. So focus on the parts of your day that you can control, like surrounding yourself with loving and calming energy, hiring the right team of professionals to execute your vision, and showing up ready to celebrate you and your spouses’ relationship. One thing that doesn’t fall under that umbrella of control? Anyone else’s appearance—or even their behavior, for that matter. Loving your friends and family means accepting all of them, perceived ‘warts’ and all. You’d want that for yourself, right? So why not give your loved ones the gift of that same kindness?”
Agreed, for the most part—I think you can try to control your friends and family’s behavior in the sense of like, making sure nobody gets so wasted that they embarrass you and/or themselves at your wedding. But the rest I agree with. To be honest, I’m just glad I am not the bride here.
Images: Samantha Gades, Unsplash; Reddit (1); Giphy (2)
I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times now, and next year will be my first stint as Maid of Honor. When you’re a bridesmaid, you basically are the bitch of the bride, set to do her wishes as a form of modern slavery, except you actually pay her in frou-frou tulle dresses and Vegas bachelorette parties. We all suck it up and do it in hopes that your friends will throw you an awesome bachelorette when you get married and also so our bride friends knows we’re excited for her and want the best for her and are totally not jealous. While a lot of it can suck, most of it should be a totally fun experience assuming your BFF isn’t The Worst. Try to make it easier on her by not doing these things as a bridesmaid:
As a MOH, I can tell you it’s really hard to coordinate everyone’s schedules for the bridal events. If you can’t make it, don’t feel like flying out multiple times, have a job that doesn’t give a lot of vacation, totally fine. Unless your bride is a monster, no one is going to be mad. Just be upfront about the conflict. The worst is when a bridesmaid is being difficult to schedule around, i.e., wants the bachelorette to be on weekdays, or demand it be one specific weekend because of their avid music festival schedule. IDGAF when Coachella is, don’t come then, Jen!
When it comes to planning an event with tons of people, it’s a majority rules situation. We pick the weekend most people can make. (And no, no one wants to do weekdays.) If you really want to come, you may have to move your schedule. And God help you if you try to interfere with the wedding day, which is usually determined by the venue. The only things the MOH and bride should have to plan around are if you’ve got another wedding, a trip pre-planned, or something else of ~actual~ importance. If it’s your dad’s birthday, you’re just going to have to celebrate when you get back. If we try to coordinate a trip around nine girls’ schedules and dad’s birthdays, we’ll never get to go!
Yes, the $300 tulle monstrosity is expensive. Yes, we all hate our hair in beehives. Yes, the Air BnB would have been cheaper but the hotel is walking distance to the strip so we don’t have to pay for Ubers. There are lots of things about being a bridesmaid that suck. We’re all aware of this. It sucks equally for all of us. So don’t complain about it. If you can’t afford something, politely talk to the bride about it separately and see what you can do. You are not required to go into debt for someone’s wedding or be like Annie from Bridesmaids with that ridiculous Fritz Bernaise. But just do it privately so you don’t ruin it for everyone else. Also? If you do decide to shell out the cash for all the bridesmaid stuff, don’t bitch about it later, especially to the bride, Scheana.
Cry About The Look
Coming off the tulle and beehives, don’t be a baby about the look the bride has envisioned. It’s just not about you. If she thinks dressing you all up as June Cleaver is *adorable*, let her (and mock the pictures for the rest of your life). The worst thing you can do is make a scene because you don’t like your hair or makeup. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the MOH threw a screaming, crying tantrum at the dress fitting because she couldn’t fit in the sample size. The whole event was ruined, we all felt really uncomfortable, and we ended up just leaving. The MOH then got to pick out our dresses herself with the bride and we all hated them and they gave us literal rashes. Don’t ruin these things for everyone. We all look stupid together and you just need to be cool. No cares that you don’t have the body of a mannequin, we care that you’re a complete nightmare.
Back Out Of Events
As previously mentioned, if you can’t go, don’t go. If you can’t afford it, can’t take time off, etc., be upfront. It’s way worse to let everyone plan around you and then back out later. Bridesmaids are typically expected to host the shower and bachelorette. If you can’t do it, don’t. But if you all pitch in for a certain amount of hotel rooms, and then you bail last minute, the price will go up for everyone else. Same goes for hosting a shower. So tell everyone ahead of time if you can be a bridesmaid in the wedding but can’t afford to do all the extra events. That is totally okay. And if you have a conflict after committing, it’s better just to pay anyway so as not to screw everyone else over. Also? Don’t bail on something you already committed to because you get a better offer. These little events are really important to the bride and the bridesmaids will all remember how sh*tty you were about it.
Drop Out Of The Wedding
Number one on the list of things you should never do as a bridesmaid is drop out of the wedding altogether. Remember, this is really important to the bride and she wouldn’t have asked you if she didn’t want you there. The only reason to drop out of a wedding is a legitimate emergency or because the bride has become so unbearable that you’re willing to end your friendship over it. Which like, if I was expected to spend $1,000 on a dress, I totally would. But otherwise, it’s totally sh*tty to back out of someone’s wedding. This is your only true commitment: showing up and standing up there with the bride. If you have financial concerns, talk about it when you’re first asked and most brides will work with you so you can be there. If you bail, especially last minute, it probs will end your friendship.
Images: Giphy (3)
Yayyyyy your bestie is totally getting married. It’s time for you to suck it up, throw on a questionable dress, wake up at 4am to have someone jam bobby pins into your scalp, and take part in several different bridal things that will all blur together by the time the bride and groom run through that sparkler line. Supporting the bride as a bridesmaid is like, one of the rules of feminism. But there are several unknowns and, frankly, scary aspects to being a bridesmaid that you may not know about. Here are a few things nobody tells you about being a bridesmaid.
1. You’ll See The Bride Naked
I know my bridesmaids watched me pass out on a floor, get up, barf (while giving a thumbs up), then proceed to shed all my clothing. Get ready to shower the bride—like, literally give her a shower—after she spills a drink on herself or gets little too sloppy. Maybe she’ll try on her lingerie in front of you all. Who knows. Just remember: pics or it didn’t happen.
2. You’ll Never Wear That Dress Again
I don’t care what the bride tells you. “Oh you can totally cut this into a cute tea-length cocktail dress.” I could, but I won’t. Tell me when chiffon goes with anything. Tell me. Just buy it and accept that this will hang in your closet until you choose to donate or burn it.
3. Prepare To Fight
It could be a passive-aggressive tiff or a full-on drunk screaming match that gets you kicked out of the dueling piano bar. It’ll be entertaining if you aren’t involved. If you are involved, though, take it from me—hair pulling works really well when you’re trying to make a point. You heard it here first. Don’t @ me.
4. The Bride Will Go Crazy
Yep. She’ll either be crying because daddy won’t let her have an open bar or because Aunt Zelda isn’t coming or because she can’t lose those last three pounds. Or she’ll scream at you because you wore ivory to her shower. Maybe she’ll demand you pay $800 for the shoes she needs you to wear. It doesn’t matter. At some point, the wedding demons will overcome her, and she will lash out at you and everyone she loves. Don’t make her madder, fam.
5. You’ll Help The Bride Pee
Wedding dresses are a b*tch to potty in. You’ll need to hold it up for her while she yanks her Spanx down and hover-pees during the wedding. You’re there to be a supportive friend.
6. You’ll Never Talk To Half These Girls Again
Like, no, you aren’t REALLY besties with the groom-to-be’s cousin or the bride’s roommate from college. You just have to pretend to be for the year leading up to the wedding. You’ll see each other hammered; you may spoon while you’re drunk. You may even talk about how you’re sooooo glad you’re finally meeting and you’re totally gonna hang out this summer. You won’t. You’re forever bound by this f*cking wedding and the ugly dresses you’re all sporting, though, so that’s something.
7. It’s Your Duty To Party
I don’t care if you boofed all the drugs and got too f*cked up during the rehearsal dinner to party during the wedding. It’s your job as a bridesmaid to dance, make all the other guests dance, take shots, and assure the bride and groom that this is LITERALLY THE BEST WEDDING EVER. Leaving early is not an option. Suck it up, buttercup.
8. Saying No Is OK
Like, if the bride is asking you to buy a $1,000 dress or demanding you come to her bachelorette party in Mexico or that you buy her a $200 massage a day before the wedding, don’t feel like you have to just cause you signed up to be a bridesmaid. I mean, try not to be the b*tch that’s saying no to everything (“I can’t wear these shoes cause they don’t match my complexion” is different than “I really don’t want to cut my hair into a pixie cut so that you’re the only one with long hair”), but if you feel like the bride is completely out of control, it’s okay to check her.
Images: Andre Hunter, Unsplash; Giphy (4)
If you’ve been HONORED by being asked to act as a bridesmaid for your bestie’s big day, there are some ground rules. Etiquette kind of sucks, but better you be in the know about what’s expected of you, rather than show up drunk the day of not having attended or thrown any party, gotten a gift, or sent congratulations cards.
We recently stumbled upon this post from Refinery29 about a sad bride whose wedding party
is lame totally dropped the ball and didn’t do jack shit for her leading up to the wedding, which at the time of this sad handwritten tale, was only two weeks away. How can you avoid this happening to you? Whether you’re a bridesmaid or a bride, we came up with some fucking easy rules and guidelines.
1. Tell The People What You Want
This bride could have avoided internet suicide and general sadness if she had just TOLD HER BRIDESMAIDS TO THROW HER SOMETHING. As soon as I chose my bridesmaids, I told them that I wanted a bachelorette party, period. I didn’t give a fuck about a shower (my sisters-in-law threw one anyway; it’s fine), but the bach needed to happen. Lo and behold, it did. So brides, open your mouths and ask if you want something particular. Not everyone has a fifth sense to predict
the weather your mood and wedding desires.
2. You Aren’t Required, But You Better Ask
Bridesmaids: No, you aren’t required by wedding law to throw the bride a bachelorette, shower, whatever. HOWEVER, if the bride has asked you to be in the wedding, you should probably at least ASK if she has something in mind or wants something in particular. Don’t just assume that because she’s said nothing, she isn’t interested. Yes, it’s possible, but you don’t want her to end up like the sad bride in our story, unless she’s a bitch and totally deserves it.
3. Don’t Expect A Lot
Brides: This song goes out to you. If you’ve finagled your wedding party into hosting a bachelorette or shower or wtf-ever and you haven’t actually planned it out yourself, lower your expectations. Everyone has a different idea of what would be considered fun for a bachelorette, so if you’re expecting an acid trip in Vegas and get a quiet brunch at the nearby café, don’t freak out. Unless you are VERY specific with your maids and/or family members, you need to chill tf out.
4. Gifts Are Necessary
Bridesmaids (and guests for that matter), need to bring a goddamn gift to SOMETHING. Period. Whether they bring it to the shower or the bachelorette or the wedding itself, you need to bring a gift. Stop being a cheap ass.
5. Try Not To Be A Bitch
Alright, so this one applies all around. Brides, don’t expect everyone to bend over backwards for you from the time you get engaged to the time you have that contrived sparkler sendoff into a lifetime of holy matrimony. People live far, have small budgets (sad), and have things to worry about other than you—like their doggos. Believe it or not, you are not the first person to ever get married (WHAT), so stop acting like it.
Bridesmaids, if your bestie’s big day is coming up and you’ve been chosen to be part of the crew, don’t argue about the dresses. Don’t argue about the destination. Don’t whine about wedding colors. Shut up and do what the bride says, within reason.