The Worst Wedding Trends We Can Expect To See In 2018

I will literally never stop shitting on other people’s weddings. You can say I’m a terrible person, judgmental, etc., but all I’m doing is broadcasting to the internet all the things you say in your group chat. Sucks for you. I’m like, the voice of a generation.

If you’re going to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a party, we’re allowed to pick it apart. This year, I hope to see less of certain trends, more of others. These are the top 10 trends I’m predicting for weddings in 2018. Hang on to your cynicism.

1. Creative Desserts

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: no one wants your stupid naked/buttercream/10 tier wedding cake anymore. That’s over—it’s cancelled. What people DO want are creative desserts like giant tables of homemade cookies (cough, I’m so ahead of my time, cough), doughnut walls (even though they’re fucking stupid), fondue fountains that are tacky but whatever, and Viennese tables which I appreciate for the classy factor.

2. Woodsy Is Apparently In

Good news if you bill yourself as boho chic rustic—the woodsy homeless wedding look is in for 2018. I guess that means that barefoot brides, flower crowns, and raw wood tables (perf for giving shitty kids splinters) will dominate my Instagram this year. I don’t hate it, but I’m sure by November I’ll be ready to gouge my eyes out with that raw pine centerpiece you so lovingly and sustainably sourced.

3. Purple Shit

RIP Prince. In honor of Pantone’s color of the year, get ready to see purple fucking everywhere. In bouquets, on the bridesmaids, in those stupid little flowers all the groomsmen wear—EVERYWHERE. If it’s the right shade (like a dusty lavender or lush violet) it’ll be fine. What I don’t want to see is someone forcing their bridesmaids into dark plum dresses that makes them look like that big purple thing from the McDonald’s crew that still gives used to give me nightmares.

4. Greens

Greens on table runners, greens down the aisle, evergreen branches to go with your winter wedding—get ready for a departure from flowers.

5. Balloons

FUCK. I HATE balloons. They belong at children’s birthday parties and sadly floating outside used car dealerships ONLY. However, with the departure from floral arrangements, don’t be surprised to see these rubber horror shows “tastefully” worked into centerpieces, as aisle décor, and (possibly most horrifyingly) in bouquets.

6. Garden Parties

Good news for the bougiest of us: garden parties are for weddings in 2018. Hosting nuptials in large botanical gardens in the afternoon with tea and finger sandwiches PLUS a true return to formality is all wrapped up in this shit. Can’t say I’m mad.

7. Fucking Stupid Invitations

I’ve already voiced my hatred for overly involved invitations. It’s a piece of paper that’s going to get thrown away. But 2018 wedding trend watchers (how do you become a trend watcher?) predict invitations being fucking crazy this year. Wood, velvet, origami—let your imagination soar. So get ready to throw away something super interesting and expensive.

8. The Return Of Silver

I think we can all agree that copper, rose gold, and regular gold are officially now overdone and tacky. As with the return to some formality with weddings, we’re also swinging back to plain, pretty, CLASSIC silver utensils and serving vessels. Thank god.

9. Hanging Flowers

How Gardens of Babylon of you. So, along with lots of greenery, instead of flowers and greens on tables, a lot of crunchy bitches will be looking to hang garlands and flowers from every goddamn rafter. This will def up the woodsy feel—especially when a poison flower falls in my food.

10. Velvet

This 80s fabric is having a moment, as evidenced by my boss’s velvet leggings. We don’t totally hate it, especially for winter and fall weddings. Just use it sparingly. An acceptable way to use velvet would be as bows on bouquets, or on two-piece dresses as a top for bridesmaids (SO CHIC) with full satin skirts or some shit. Not acceptable: velvet wedding dresses, velvet jackets on dudes, and velvet flowers. Gag. No.

What Your Wedding Bouquet Flowers Say About How Basic You Are

Are you a basic bitch getting married soon? Are you trying to figure out the perfect flower combinations for your super special day? If you want your flower arrangements to say “celebration” and not “swirling torrent of grief,” read on.

Yah, flowers have meaning. Just like make believe horoscopes, gem stones, and other useless shit, the difference between having hydrangeas in your bouquet and having roses is big if you buy into symbolic meaning.

Let’s assume you do and are about a ½ bottle of wine in at the moment (same). Let us guide you through the world of flower meanings.

1. Red Roses

I’m sorry, but if you carry red roses down the aisle, plz don’t be my friend. Aside from my 10-year-old self who thought these were the most perfectly perfect flowers EVER, most everyone these days that sees a red rose thinks of the gas station it was likely purchased from (and the fun crack pipe it comes with). They convey deep desire and longing, so yeah, go ahead and convey how horny and in love you are.

Bachelor Nick

2. White Roses

Take a note from Indian brides that dress themselves in head-to-toe red for their weddings. White symbolizes death in Hindu culture, so I find it really fucking funny that we all wear white wedding dresses to the altar. As far as white roses go, they symbolize purity and chastity. So if you and your intended are both creepy virgins, go ahead and carry these down the aisle. They can also symbolize sympathy. Awkward.

3. Carnations

Hooray for trash flowers. Did everyone else get these every Valentine’s Day from their pretend boyfs in fourth grade? No? Just me? Anyway, if you’re even DEBATING having this flower in a wedding bouquet, centerpiece, aisle runner—even the fucking throw-away bouquet—you shouldn’t be getting married. You’re no better than chubby fourth grade me. These flowers symbolize white trash pride and beauty, but you’ll be saying, “I’m cheap and low class.” Hard pass.

White Trash

4. Hydrangeas

These have been super trendy as of late, which is hilar to me, since I just found out they symbolize thanks. Like, oh thank you for coming to my giant party and buying me something shitty off my registry. Fun fact—hydrangeas can ALSO mean heartlessness. I feel validated for hating on weddings as hard as I do now. Hydrangeas are my spirit flower.

5. Peonies

Happiness, health, and prosperity seem like decent things to work into your bouquet for you wedding. Make sure to leave these out of your bridesmaids’ bouquets, though. They don’t get to be happy. This is your day.

Corinne

6. Sunflowers

I fucking hate sunflowers—I need to put that out there. They’re tacky and so are you. If you do go with sunflowers, your symbolism is spot on with their dedicated love meaning. Good for you. Too bad your eye for symbolism hasn’t helped your clear lack of knowing when shit is fug.

7. Lillies

Beauty and shit! So carry a bunch of lilies, if you want to overpay for flowers, have them die rly fast, and are convinced your cupcake dress is super hot.

Bridesmaids

8. Orchids

Are you edgy and exotic? Get some orchids and watch your flower budget triple. Orchids symbolize feminism, so I guess they aren’t a good choice, if you’re wearing a suit for your wedding day and don’t like men? (Kidding, I know what feminists are.)

9. Daisies

Is this an arranged marriage? Are you actually 12? Blink twice if you need help! Shockingly, daisies symbolize innocence. So, if you were raised believing that holding hands results in drugs and pregnancy, this is the flower for you.

Desperate Housewives

10. Zinnias

Joke’s on you, if you picked these whimsical (shoot me, I just used whimsical in a sentence) flowers for your centerpieces or general wedding décor. Zinnias actually symbolize absent friendship, so they PROBABLY aren’t the best for your whole outward devotion of love thing.