Need Jordana to answer your most pressing dating questions? Email us at [email protected] for a chance to have your dilemma featured on Dear Betch.
Dear Betch,
I very recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of ~3 years. We are both 27, living in NYC.
We live very close to each other in the city; however, after a few weeks of city quarantining (and seeing each other often), we each left the city to quarantine with family in separate states. During this time, it seemed there was a shift in our relationship: less communication, less FaceTime, less attempts to see each other (on both our ends). Eventually this led to us deciding to go our separate ways, as it seemed we couldn’t give each other what the other needed out of the relationship (wasn’t the first time we discussed not meeting the other’s needs). Nothing specifically happened, but I honestly felt like we just weren’t the match for each other—and I had these thoughts before the pandemic but wasn’t really forced to face them until our time apart.
My question is, how do we get over breakups during this time? There aren’t as many usual distractions to help, and I worry even more so about having to relive/grieve the breakup once life is back to normal, and I’m forced to face the reality of my life without him in it. Even if I do think our breakup was for the best long-term, it doesn’t stop it from being hard to go through, deal with, and worry about.
Any and all advice would be welcomed!
A socially distant single
Dear Socially Distant Single,
Socially distancing is tough enough without the added distress of going through a breakup, so I’ll start by saying I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there, it sucks. Breakups are often even (ironically) tougher when things end semi-amicably and you can’t villainize the person or blame the breakup on some horrendous event (like cheating or some other dramatic event).
However, breaking up in the midst of a global pandemic has its own silver lining. In 2019 you might think you could fix your heartbreak with distractions like drunk brunch with friends and hooking up with random people, but you’d actually be wrong. When you use distractions to make you forget the pain you’re in, you avoid feeling it and never really deal with it. The shortage of activities like parties, weddings, and festivals this year will ensure you don’t bypass this important stage in the breakup grieving process: letting yourself feel sh*tty. I know we all want to avoid pain as much as possible, but like a nagging Slack from your boss, pain is something you will have to face eventually, either full-on in the beginning, or drawn out over the course of an even longer time period due to numbing it with your distraction of choice.
Take advantage of quarantine by letting yourself feel bad for a while and reflect on the highs and lows of your relationship. What did the relationship with your ex teach you about what you want to do differently next time? What did it teach you about yourself, and your likes and your dislikes? What red flags will you look out for next time? Using quarantine to let yourself feel everything will ensure that when things start to open up you can enter the world with a fresh, healed heart and be ready to go out and meet new people. You’ll be able to actually have fun at the events that are happening instead of having to beat back the lingering sadness in the back of your mind.
That’s not to say that there aren’t certain things you can do to help yourself in the meantime while you’re grieving this breakup. First off, delete him from all social media, not because he’s a bad person, but because constant updates about anyone will make it impossible to move on from them. There are probably days when you second guess your decision and the heightened feeling of socially distanced loneliness makes you want to reach out your ex. When this happens, text a designated friend about what you’d want to say to your ex, and she can remind you of all the reasons you broke up. Finally, break up your sadness by getting into something new, be it a new workout routine, podcast, really good book, or anything else that will make you feel like you’re channeling your energy into something and growing as a person. This will make you remember that the rest of your life is ahead of you and there will be a ton of amazing people you’ll get to date along the way.
Best of luck, Betch!
Jordana
Need Jordana to answer your most pressing dating questions? Email us at [email protected] for a chance to have your dilemma featured on Dear Betch.
Apparently, it’s a thing to make bets on how long your friends’ relationships will last. Like, why not profit off your friends’ unhappiness? Some guys I know are weirdly good at making these bets. It made me start to wonder, what exactly are the signs your relationship won’t last?
You’d think they’d be obvious, but since girls keep missing them, it’s time for a little refresher. As much as you might wish otherwise, your relationship probably isn’t the exception to the rule. Sorry. So before you start picking out engagement rings, clue into these signs your relationship won’t last, and your “bae” might not be around for much longer.
1. You Started Dating Within Two Minutes Of Meeting
So you may argue that some relationships that start quickly don’t fail. You know, all that love at first sight, Romeo & Juliet stuff. That always works out oh so well, right? Wrong. So instead, let’s consider some possible scenarios.
1. Did you start dating because he was, like, really into you (as a whole entire person) or because you guys hadn’t slept together yet? You would think by 2018 that these medieval motivations would no longer be a thing, but boys are just as gross now as they were 1,000 years ago. Thank u, next.
2. Did you start dating because he was scared you’d start dating someone else? There’s nothing like a healthy dose of jealousy to make boys do irrational things. Maybe he wants to date you because he really likes you. But maybe he just wants to date you because five other guys like you too, and he wants to win and be the alpha male. (Again, boys are gross.)
3. Are you moving through relationship milestones too fast? A general rule of thumb: don’t tell someone you love them after you have known each other for a week. Don’t get engaged after dating for a month. Just because you think you’ve met your soulmate after a dance floor make-out doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way a month from now.
2. Your Life Goals Are Totally Different
In theory, opposites attract. But if you want to have a high-powered career and he’s still content getting stoned with the boys every night, you’re in very different stages of life. Just because someone is really f*cking attractive doesn’t make them your perfect match. That hot lax player in your Econ class may be fun to hook up with, but if you can’t hold a conversation now imagine, how freaking boring it would be to date him.
3. His Friends Suck
The Spice Girls weren’t wrong about dating someone’s friends when you date them (though their reunion tour is a different story). In the early stages, your boyfriend will spend a lot of time with your friends, so he better like them. And ditto for you.
If his friends suck, that’s kind of problematic. First of all, it will get annoying to hang out with a bunch of people you f*cking hate. Also, it gives you a clue to what he’s like when you’re not around. Are his friends all douchebags with the same sense of humor as a 12-year-old? Do they make crude comments about your friends or other women? Maybe not the most ideal guys, and hey, shocker, your boyfriend might not be either. “You are the company you keep” and all that sh*t.
On the flip side, if his friends don’t like you, that’s also bad news. Guys claim they don’t gossip as much as girls but TBH that does not seem true. If his friends are sh*t-talking you to him then a) bye, assholes and b) that’s a bad sign for your relationship.
4. The Relationship Is Unequal
Is one person super needy? Maybe it was flattering at first but it will get annoying when you can’t even hang out with your own friends. Either he needs to chill TF out or your relationship will fizzle once you eventually clue into the fact that losing all your friends for a rando boy is not worth it. Ever.
5. You’re Dating Out Of Convenience
Are both of you, like, really busy all the time? Maybe you have high-stress careers or you’re in training season for your sport and can’t go out anyway. So why not find yourself a stand-in soulmate? That’s really great…until one person decides they aren’t too busy to download Hinge and find someone they actually really like. Or until the other person realizes they were only a convenient option. Andddd now it’s messy.
If none of these signs fit you, then you’ll still probably break up eventually because most relationships end. Yeah, life sucks, and I’m cynical. Go buy yourself some hot chocolate and re-watch To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before for the twelfth time. Way more fun than dealing with some lame-ass boyfriend.
Images: Giphy (3)
