If you’re anything like me, someone who is a mature adult treats their body like a trashcan, then you recognize the daily struggle that is doing whatever the fuck you want while also wanting to have a great body and great skin. Life’s hard when you want to get fucked up at Governors Ball but also look 100 years old in your Instagram story. Not that I would know. I did not go to Gov Ball, though I did spend the weekend going through mimosas like water and eating enough food to get me my own TLC reality show. That being said, I want to change. I want to be a new me. A better me. A me who puts actual vitamins and minerals into her system so her skin doesn’t resemble the entire slice of pizza she ate last night. So here’s a list of foods you should avoid like an ex-boyfriend sliding into your DMs and foods you should embrace because they’ll fix your fucking face. Damn, I’ve got bars.

DON’T: Eat Canned Food/Meats

Gross. As if. Like, who even eats canned meats anymore? Other than my ex from college who had this weird obsession with eating vienna sausages (which, in hindsight, should have been a red fucking flag that this kid was a sociopath. That and his Belk credit card that he was always bragging about). Canned and/or highly processed foods have a shit ton of sodium in them and causes your body to hold on to water, which is why your face is always puffy or you have bags under your eyes that can be seen from space, and your acne is at World War III proportions.

DO: Eat Salmon

Aside from giving you a reason to pretend to be a foodie and also be obnoxious on Instagram, eating salmon is a sure way to get better looking skin. Salmon is rich with omega-3 fatty acids and healthy fats. These fats reinforce cell membranes and nourish the skin to keep you looking fresh AF.

DON’T: Drink Green Juice

Lol just because you frequently say shit like #FitLife and #CleanEating on your IG does not mean you know wtf is good for you, because SURPRISE all those juices you’re drinking to “cleanse” your body are actually really fucking bad for you. Juices are sugary as hell, especially the green juices which can have up to 50 grams of sugar in them, which is actual sabotage when it comes to having clear skin. 

^I imagine every fitstagrammer when the find out they’ve been pumping liquid sugar into their temples bodies

DO: Drink A Protein Smoothie

Aside from having something to talk about with the hot trainer at your gym, protein smoothies can actually be beneficial for your skin. The more you know. Stay away from the juicer smoothies and opt for one with some protein in it. These types of smoothies are high in healthy fats and won’t leave your skin looking more ratchet than your Snap story last weekend.

DON’T: Eat Ice Cream

Okay, this one I saw coming. Nothing that tastes this good can be anything but sabotage on your body. And since I’m not on my period rn in control of my body I guess I’m open to suggestions here. Ice cream is chock-full of sugar which can form this fun thing called advanced glycation end products which fucks up the protein in your body. Why is that important you may ask? Because the proteins it fucks with the most are the ones that keep your skin plump and springy looking. So basically eating ice cream is aging you. *steps into oncoming traffic*

DO: Eat Dark Chocolate

Dark chocolate aka the DUD of chocolates has a fuck ton of antioxidants in it, which is v good for your skin. So even though it tastes healthy and the whole time you’ll be wishing you were eating real chocolate with real flavor at least your skin will look good AF and be protected against wrinkles and other bad shit.

DON’T: Drink Coffee

HA HA HA HA this has to be some sort of sick joke. You want me to give up my will to live caffeine? Do you also want me to commit homicide the next time someone replies all to a department email chain? DO YOU? This one is tough for me to wrap my brain around because coffee is literally one of the only reasons I get out of bed in the morning, and consequently, the reason you get to experience this sparkling personality. That being said, coffee is a diuretic (fake news I’m sure!) which causes your body to lose water and your skin to get v dehydrated. Stay away from this shit if you want glowy AF skin. 

DO: Drink Hot Lemon Water

This replacement sounds about as good as the Republican’s plan for health care but that’s neither here nor there. Even though the prospect of drinking hot lemon water sounds about as enticing as sleeping with Jonathan The Tickle Monster, it’s actually super good for you. It’s hydrating, full of antioxidants, and gives some much needed support to your liver. Apparently, the liver is the main organ that detoxifies the body and if you’re full of toxins drinking on days that end in Y, you’re more likely to break out. Sighs. And this is why we can’t have nice things.

DON’T: Eat Bagels

Okay, I’m starting to feel personally victimized by this list. Like, is someone looking at my bank statement and seeing that I spend a large amount of my down time in coffee shops and/or bagel shops? Because I’m feeling really attacked rn. Apparently, bagels are “the worst for your skin” and can lead to “a cascade of hormones” aka acne breakouts for days. *prays this is fake news*

DO: Eat Non-Processed Carbs or Oats

Tbh I’d rather starve than eat something that resembles animal feed but I guess that’s the price we pay to look like the “after” girl in an acne commercial. Oats are the “right kind of carbs” probs because it looks miserable to eat and also because it’s high in antioxidants which we’ve established will not only give you clear/glowy skin but also fights against anti-aging.

DON’T: Drink Soda

To absolutely no one’s surprise except my own because I refuse to read labels written by health professionals people who are out to destroy my happiness, soda is bad for you. And just because you drink diet soda doesn’t mean you’re safe. Because diet soda especially “disrupts the necessary and healthy bacteria found in your gut.” Also drinking any kind of soda can really fuck with your skin. Like, cause rosacea, eczema, and acne fuck with your skin. K. Just fuck me up rn then. Also, wtf am I supposed to order at the bar to go along with my vodka then? I can’t just drink vodka straight. I want to have clearer skin, not die. 

DO: Drink Kombucha

Finally something that looks good on my Instagram story and isn’t going to fuck up my skin. About damn time. Basically Kombucha is good for you because it’s fermented, and therefore full of probiotics, which will solve all your life problems. I’m paraphrasing, but still. If you want clear skin by the time this weekend’s brunch rolls around then chug some of this and pretend like it’s alcohol something you enjoy drinking.

So, in conclusion, anything that brings you joy is probably fucking up your skin and you should cut it from your diet ASAP. I am feeling #blessed rn that alcohol did not make the list, but that’s mostly because I refused to do any actual research that would prove otherwise. Who says you can’t make your own destiny? Listen, if all else fails and you have no self control don’t want to sacrifice your happiness there’s always Facetune.

There are so many bullshit products on the market that promise to clear up your skin overnight, but let’s be real: what you put in your body has so much more power. If you’ve struggled with skin breakouts in the past aka are human and have tried everything out there, you might want to consider your diet as the culprit. Sorry for sounding like your mom, but it’s true. You could drink three liters of water a day and wash your face incessantly, but still be eating shit that is making you break out. These 7 foods make you break out, so avoid them like the plague fuckboys.

1. Candy

In case you needed another reason to stop stuffing your face with candy like a 7-year-old, here it is. Sugar isn’t only bad for your heart health and insulin levels, but it could also be causing you to break out. When you eat refined sugar, your insulin levels spike, which causes your body to undergo a burst of inflammation, which doesn’t exactly sound like a cleanse. This inflammation produces enzymes that break down collagen and elastin in your skin and are likely to cause pimples and wrinkles as time goes on. We could bore you with more science, but you get the point. You thought your mom was just fat-shaming you as a preteen when she told you chocolate was giving you pimples, but she actually wasn’t. (Damn it, mom. Can I live?) Put down the Snickers. 

2. Dairy Products

Sorry to break it to you, but like, fucking duh. Most people in the world already know that dairy can cause breakouts, but in case you don’t, here’s your reminder. Dairy is a pro-inflammatory ingredient, which means it will negatively affect your joints, digestion, and yes, your skin. It’s also usually packed with hormones and sugar, which doesn’t help. A little bit of milk or cheese here and there won’t kill you, but if you’re prone to breakouts, I’d stay away from the froyo for now. The 16 Handles workers are starting to know your name, and it’s getting a little sad.

3. Tofu

You probably thought you were being super healthy by getting tofu in your Sweetgreen salad and saying no to croutons, but it turns out soy isn’t actually that good for you, and it could be making your face look like a literal minefield. There have been a ton of studies done about soy and skin quality, and it’s hard to say if it really makes you break out, but we know for sure that too much of it fucks with your hormones, which can definitely lead to some sketchy shit. Try limiting your soy intake and see if you can notice a difference in your skin. That means no soy lattes, but also no milk lattes, so I guess that leaves almond milk? K. If you don’t notice any difference after you rule out soy, knock yourself out with that miso sesame tofu shit. Just stop telling everyone about how you’re “trying out being a vegetarian.”

4. White Wine

Someone once made up that a glass of wine has a substantial amount of antioxidants in it, so we were all pumped to keep filling our glasses until someone told us otherwise. As it turns out, our alcoholic bubble has officially been burst, because a new scientific study is showing that white wine is actually sabotaging your skin. There’s this skin disease called rosacea where your skin turns red and causes acne-like breakouts and just overall not-cuteness, and apparently white wine could be the culprit. I mean, we don’t want to believe it, but the study was published in the Journal of American Dermatology, so we kind of have to. *cries into my oversized wine glass*

5. Cereal

Even if you’re buying cereals that are low in sugar, cereal is still a very processed food, which is known to make your skin seek revenge by fucking up your life. If you’re looking for the clearest skin possible, avoid processed snacks as much as you can, even if they’re branded as “healthy” (which, tbh, they probs aren’t). Most “healthy” cereals are paying millions for good marketing, so don’t give in to that bullshit. As your middle school health teacher told you countless times, read the label. If you can’t understand the ingredients, it can’t be doing anything good for you. Instead, go for eggs, fruit, vegetables, and whole grains like a normal fucking adult. Whole Wheat Quaker Squares don’t count. Honestly if you’re not a first grader or a poor college student or perpetually high, why are you eating cereal in the first place?

6. Bottled Water

SAY IT ISN’T SO. First they came for our white wine and now this? Scientists might be purposefully trying to annihilate the betch demographic. It’s a conspiracy, I say! Anywho, betches never have a shortage of beverages on hand, but we might need to be reconsidering the three liter Smart Water we down everyday thinking it’s helping our skin. Staying hydrated is obviously good for you, but most plastic water bottles contain BPA, which is a steroid analogue that could fuck with your hormones. Not only is plastic terrible for the environment, but it could actually be causing those zits that cropped up on your face right before your best friend’s wedding. Just another reason to invest in an overpriced S’well water bottle, I guess. 

7. Fast Food

This one should be obvious, but then again, the obesity rate in this country is higher than ever and health organizations are in a fucking panic over American food choices, so maybe if the fact that it’s literally going to kill you isn’t enough of a reason to stop eating this crap, telling you it’s making your face look bad will do the trick. Fast food is literally the worst thing you can put in your body, and fucking obviously all that grease from the ten pounds of oil in your order of french fries will make you break out. If you’re blackout at 3am and decide to order the deluxe happy meal, be my guest, but don’t cry when the next day your face looks as ratchet as your life choices and you start trying out every face mask in Sephora to save yourself. Just skip the fried food. Your sober self will thank you.