Anyone who knows me knows that I think Gossip Girl is the holy grail of terrible TV, and in these times, it has brought me a lot of comfort. Seriously, when I’m down and feeling blue because I haven’t seen another human being IRL since mid-March, just got laid off, and have been subsisting on DiGiorno for way too long, I think about that episode when everyone found out that Blair boned Nate and Chuck, and even Jenny didn’t want anything to do with her. Like, what’s a pandemic compared to Blair Waldorf’s slow and painful demise in the first season??
Anyway, if it isn’t clear, I re-watched the entire series over the course of the last two months and am blown away by the fact that none of the characters are bothered that everyone hooks up with everyone’s exes! Like, am I too old-fashioned for not wanting my best friend to f*ck my ex?? This got me thinking: GG definitely isn’t the only show whose cast is horny af for each other. So join me in taking a walk down memory lane.
‘Gossip Girl’
I obviously had to start with the messiest show of all time. In the first and best season, the couples kind of make sense since the characters are all supposed to be juniors in high school and the writers have lots to work with. Nate and Blair have allegedly been dating for 10 years (which means they started seeing each other when they were six, k) and Dan and Serena start dating. Again, this all seems normal. I stan! But then, the rest of the seasons happen and it is very clear that the writers were just kind of like, “idk whatever.”
Without going into too much detail because I have a word limit, I’ll just say that pretty much all of the guys in this show are eskimo brothers. Dan and Nate both hook up with Blair, Serena, and Vanessa; Jenny hooks up with Chuck and Nate; and Ivy, a random character who doesn’t matter, hooks up with Dan, Nate and Rufus (!!). I’m not necessarily judging because everyone on this show is disturbingly attractive, but still, it’s a little crazy. These people are supposed to live in New York City and can’t find anyone outside their social circle to hook up with? Unrelated, but after season four, everyone just stopped going to college and no one acknowledges it.
‘Friends’
There is definitely some cross-contamination here even though it’s more subtle than that of GG. On a show with 10 seasons, it’s easy to forget who hooks up with whom, but luckily, I remember. Obviously, the two main couples are Ross and Rachel and Chandler and Monica, but there’s some overlap I haven’t forgotten about. Yes, I’m talking about Rachel hooking up with Joey. Let’s not forget that Phoebe also kissed Joey, although they never ended up together, even though Joey did propose. I’m also convinced that Monica and Chandler only got together because the writers didn’t feel like bringing in a new character crazy enough to date either of them.
There obv aren’t so many inter-cast relationships on Friends as there are on Gossip Girl, but there are def a few instances of the Friends dating the same people. For instance, Joey and Ross both dated the hot science lady, Charlie, and Joey and Chandler both dated Kathy. Ugh, come on, you guys!
‘Desperate Housewives’
I truly believe this was one of the best shows literally ever. If you haven’t watched it because you were too young to understand what was happening when it was on TV, give it a watch now. It’s on Hulu. Anyway, as its name implies, the main characters are all married, but there is one singleton who I absolutely live for. Edie Brit is the Samantha Jones of Desperate Housewives, and she has loves to f*ck her friends’ ex-husbands. Is it just me or does that sound like an intro on a Bravo show? She dates Gabby’s ex, two of Susan’s exes, and makes out with Bree’s ex. Yikes! Even though I love Edie as much as I love this show, which is a lot, I always thought that plot line was kind of weird and pointless.
‘Girls’
There were two really weird love triangles in this dumpster fire of a show: Adam/Jessa/Hannah and Ray/Marnie/Shoshanna. First of all, the whole premise of Girls is that, at least for a little while, they’re all bound by their strong female bond, so why are they all so quick to date each other’s boyfriends? Also, I’m confused why two gorgeous, cool, impressive women are both so into Old Man Ray. We’ll never know.
‘One Tree Hill’
Unlike my experience with Gossip Girl, I watched this show when it was on television and have not thought about it since, so my knowledge of inconspicuous details is pretty unimpressive. However, one thing I’ll never forget about this iconic mess is the love triangles. First we have Lucas/Peyton/Brooke then we have Nate/Peyton/Brooke. Uhhhhhh. Brooke and Peyton are the Blair and Serena of the early 2000s, so I guess it makes sense that they’re both down to hook up with each other’s boyfriends. The Nathan/Brooke situation was never super serious, but Lucas and Peyton got married! After she seriously dated Nathan! What! Does that make them the Dan and Serena of this show?
What did I miss? Are there any other shows where the cast loves to bang each other? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Everett Collection / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (5)
So you’re in a relationship that you’re not sure about. Don’t worry, there’s a whole MTV show named after the fact that it’s fucking hard to know who your soulmate is, so we don’t expect you to have all the answers. Obviously there’s no real way to know if you’ve found the one, but there are definitely signs that he’s not the one. Chances are if you’re asking to begin with, it’s probably not a good sign. Also not a good sign? The following list of things—if you match a few of these, chances are that just because you swiped right on each other, doesn’t mean you’re a real match.
1. He’s Jealous.
He doesn’t get excited for you when you succeed. You write it off as him just being too busy to care about your shit, but he could be insecure when you’re doing well. If he isn’t thrilled for you when you get a promotion or land a job you love, he’s basically negging your career. Chances are he’s jealous you’re doing better than him, and guess what? You’re only going to get more successful and he’s going to get more upset. You should be with someone that’s happy for you, not afraid you’re going to outshine him.
2. He Distracts You From Important Shit You Should Be Doing.
You’re not a teenager going through puberty anymore, if you’re getting so caught up in the relationship you’re losing sight of your goals, he’s not bringing out the best in you. A stable relationship should bring out the best in you and not distract you from shit you actually have to do. If you’re getting distracted by the relationship, something is probably missing that makes you feel insecure, otherwise you’d be able to focus on having a well rounded life. Think about your relationship like an open bar… if you’re constantly watching the clock, you’re not having fun. It should feel like it’s never going to end, not like you’re always in the last five minutes before last call.
3. He Only Talks About Himself.
Even if he’s an Olympic medal winner or a billionaire with a start-up, if he’s only interested in you because you’re interested in him, then you’re going to have a problem. Sure, he’ll probably make a great dad, but only because his kid is like one of his Olympic medals to him, a sign of his accomplishments rather than a human he actually wants to love. If he talks disproportionately about himself without asking you how you are, he’s not actually the right guy for you. You need more attention than an escaped snake in the zoo, and if he can’t give that to you, then you’re going to get away.
4. When You’re Together You’re Either Drunk Or Partying.
Sure it might be fun to hook up when you’re drunk, but if you’re spending the majority of a relationship blacking out and stumbling home together, you’re more in love with partying than you are with each other. You party with your friends, but you’ve also been to brunch with their moms, shopped for outfits together, and comforted each other when they’re going through a breakup. The man you’re dating should have as many merits sober as he does drunk, so if you’re not hanging out sober at all, then you’re probably not as compatible as you think.
5. You Have A Hard Time Keeping Plans.
Whenever you try to make a date or go somewhere together, things always fall through. You both chalk it up to being busy and successful, but you still manage to have time to watch dumb movies like Baywatch and go to spontaneous karaoke on a Tuesday night. Maybe it’s that you’re both trying too hard to fit a relationship mold that neither of you want, but whatever it is, your beach day/museum trip/romantic dinner plans keep getting pushed. It shouldn’t be this hard to keep plans, especially with someone you’re dating, so if you’ve had to reschedule a date more than three times, it’s a sign that neither of you are prioritizing each other.
6. You Still Think About Your Ex.
We all Facebook stalk our exes from time to time, but if you’re in a happy relationship you quickly forget about ghosts of fuckboys past. If you’re wondering what your ex is up to or have looked up his Instagram story more than three times this week, you’re probably reaching out to your past because you’re bored with your present. The guy you’re dating might just not be satisfying you totally, which is why you’re thinking about your exes and how he stacks up against them. Definitely not a good sign if you’re still thinking about your ex in a new relationship.
7. He’s Embarrassing To Take Out In Public.
Maybe it was his fault for wearing the wrong shoes to the club, or maybe he got too drunk and started arguing with the bartender, but instead of sticking up for him, you’re just embarrassed to be seen with him. This is usually a sign that you’re not a good match, or you’d be fawning over his dumb quirks like they’re Brigitte Bardot’s tooth gap. Imperfections in someone you love make you love them more, but his flaws just annoy you, which means you probably don’t love him as much as you think.
READ: The 9 Fuckboys You’ll Unfortunately Have Sex With Before You Die
Listen up betches, just because you’re a precious, unique snowflake doesn’t mean parts of you aren’t a little predictable. Obviously we’re talking about your horoscope. So you already know the basic traits of your sign, but who cares if you’re “stubborn” or “indecisive”? Isn’t everyone? Let’s get into the real stuff. How does your horoscope sign affect your relationships? Or more specifically, your breakup style? Let’s find out, so that you can finally know the best tactics for you to rip out someone’s heart and stomp on it.
Aquarius
Though you like to think of yourself as a coldhearted ice queen, the truth is you just want someone strong enough to break down your walls. You’re like Aurora in that castle full of thorns. If he can’t handle a dragon or witch, how is he going to handle you? Therefore when you break up with someone, you tend to get icy and retreat back into hiding. You’re not one for sentimental texts with your ex. You also value independence in your relationship, which means you don’t tend to be co-dependent and you believe in a clean break.
Pisces
You thrive when you’re alone and you have no problem being single. That being said, you don’t take romance lightly, which means if you’re going through a breakup you’re going to be a hot mess. You’re like Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions—you’re careful about getting involved but once you’ve chosen someone they can’t get out from under your grasp affections. You also don’t do short-term relationships, maybe because it’s so hard to break up with you, so if you’re going through a breakup then you’re probably getting over a long-term relationship, which means you’ll recruit all your friends to help you get through it.
Aries
You’re loud and not afraid to let someone know you like them. This also means when you’re going through a breakup, you can’t promise not to drunk text your ex… at least a few dozen times. You’ll probably have at least three false alarms of “I’m over it” moments before you actually pull through. You’ll have the urge to “win him back” with some big show of affection, but trust us, just put that energy into your friends and family instead. You’re too good for him, it’s time to move along.
Taurus
You’re the girl Ludacris sang about, the lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Taurus are well-balanced in every way, which means you are both physical and emotionally in tune. You’ll think of your relationship sweetly, but you’re not one to pine away in agony over a lost love. You’ll rebound hard and probably meet your next bae accidentally while you’re at it. You can’t help it you’re so popular.
Gemini
You are so indecisive that one day you’ll feel like you just lost your true love and the next day you’ll feel like freedom is the best thing you ever had. You are a volatile lover, which means you probably fought a lot with your ex, but the makeup sex was that much better. Because of your indecisiveness, there’s probably a line of backburner bros who think you’re “mysterious” and can’t wait to be your rebound. You’ll have no trouble flirting your way out of heartbreak, but brace yourself because when emotions hit, they hit hard. Just keep your besties on speed dial and make sure you’ve still got a Netflix or HBO login and you’ll be good.
Cancer
You’re so stable that even the adults in your life come to you for advice. Like, you probably have coached your drunk boss through his or her heartbreak on occasion. Going through a breakup is rough for you because you made compromises in your relationship and believed that it would be worth it if you made it work. So you’re probably really hating on your ex right now while also trying to “understand” where they’re coming from (answer: hell). You are going to stalk your ex hard on social media under the guise of “making sure they’re ok”. You secretly hope they realize how much they actually needed you, but this also means you probably thought you were better than them the whole time (fair) so maybe you are better off without them tbh.
Leo
You’re ready to get back out the night of your breakup. You’ll probably get trashed and avoid your emotions for as long as physically possible. You’re a passionate but also attention-loving betch which means you’ll definitely rebound like Kobe until you forget why you were even in a relationship to begin with. You’re going to miss your ex a lot, though, mainly because being with someone made you realize how awesome you are and you like to be reminded of that more often. Your breakup style is to get out there and let your charm do all the work.
Virgo
You take your time when you’re falling in love, which means you take your time falling out of love. You might not end up dating again for another year, and you know this because a lot of time goes by between relationships for you. So this means you take your breakup slowly, knowing that even though most people would have moved on by now, you still find chances to bring up your ex nonchalantly. Like, your co-workers might be talking about getting a cat and you’ll casually mention “when my ex and I got our first cat, we knew right away we wanted to keep him…” blah blah, point is, your head is going to be stuck in relationship mode well past its expiration date. But once you meet the next “love of your life” you’ll transfer everything over like a well run Swiss bank: no leaks.
Libra
You’re more about the romance than the sex, so chances are by the time you broke up with your ex, the sex wasn’t even that good. You’re not a volatile person, so if it ended it was probably for the best. You’re very sweet which means you’ll be the one comforting him while he tries to get over you. Most likely you just got bored and needed to get out of the relationship. If he broke up with you, you probably didn’t want to admit it, but you could do better. You’ll find someone more interesting and forget he even existed.
Scorpio
Once you let someone in your heart, they’re never getting out. You might pretend you’ve let them out, but they don’t know you still have the real key. What this means is you’ll probably know he has a new girlfriend before they’ve even officially called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. You can sense everything about all your exes—when they’re doing well and when they’re not, the precise number of cocktails he will drink before he drums up the courage to text you, that sort of thing—and even though you claim to not be jealous, everyone knows better than to bring up your relationship. You’ll get over it by using your sex appeal to rebound and meet someone who adores you, meanwhile you’ll be pining for all the people who didn’t reciprocate your feelings. A Scorpio is never done breaking up, but a Scorpio’s also always in love, so it kind of balances out.
Sagittarius
You’re a free spirit who doesn’t like feeling tied down. You love your partners with sweetness and kindness, but that doesn’t mean your kindness can’t be cruel to someone who wants you to care more than you do. You just have so much love to give you don’t want to commit to one person. So when you break up with someone you’re ready to see what the next thing is. You’re probably a little relieved when it’s over, and you can’t wait to cut your hair and go shopping so you can figure out what the “new you” is. You might go to Vegas or Australia, or just like, a different bar than the one you always go to, just somewhere fun where you can show off your haircut and appreciate being single.
Capricorn
You’re stubborn about what you want, which means once you’ve decided you want something, that’s just what’s going to happen. So if you’re the one who broke up with him, there’s no going back no matter what. But if you’re determined to get him back then he’ll be back and you both know it. That doesn’t mean anything’s going to change, but it does mean you will go into the breakup with a very clear idea of how to get out of it. You’ve literally looked at bouncers who’ve told you no and just laughed and walked right in, so a breakup is no different. Like okay, you want to end this relationship? That’s cute. Cut to two years from now he’s going to be picking out a ring. Sorry, but you just get what you want.
During a breakup, a girl needs a lot to help her through the 5 minutes to 5 years it may take to get over whatever it is this fuckboy did to you. Specifically, the dumpee will need two types of friends. One who will hug her, feed her ice cream, and give her legitimately good advice about moving on, and one to pour shots down her throat and leave him threatening comments on Instagram. Neither approach is better than the other (though one is significantly less likely to end in arrest) and both are 100% necessary for any actual healing to take place. On the one hand, you need a mom figure to treat you like a princess or a small dog and to remind you of the beautiful unique snowflake that you are. On the other hand, you need someone to slap the shit out of you and start managing a sexually explicit Bumble account for you behind your back. Hopefully, when the breakup is done, you will be able to return the favor by assuming one of these positions for yourself. Oh, and if on the rare occasion you meet someone who is both of these people in one, hold on to them for life. They’re God’s gift to breakups.
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If there’s anything that The Betches know for sure, it’s that Murphy’s law—anything bad that can happen will happen—is nowhere more applicable than the times you run into your ex. NYC may feel like a big city, but eventually, you’re gonna see him with his new girlfriend in line at the cafe that was once “your place” when you guys were still together. You know, the one that you’ve been avoiding like the plague for this very reason until this fateful day where you wrongly convince yourself you’re being paranoid.
Even if the breakup has inspired you to finally start attending the SoulCycle classes you signed up for when you were feeling bloated and you’ve revamped your wardrobe and makeup game in a futile attempt to “make yourself over” after becoming newly ~single and ready to mingle~, the day you run into your ex inevitably coincides with the day you’re on your period, cheating on your diet, and everything except your college hoodie is in the laundry. Also, the bitch girl he’s with has great hair and is holding a purse that’s definitely three times as expensive as yours. Oh well—you’re still a bad bitch, and this just gives you another thing to complain about at happy hour (we know how you love that). Check out our “When You Try To Run Into Your Ex Vs. When You Actually Run Into Your Ex” video below and subscribe if you can tooootallllyyyyyy relate.
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As part of a new philanthropy program that allows poor people to date her, Mariah Carey was reportedly donating $25,000 each month to her now ex-boyfriend Bryan Tanaka. This was not money to spend on rent, clothes, food, or any of those selfish things that Bryan thought were important before he became Mariah’s number one bitch. It was his monthly allowance for buying her presents. Because she wants more for Christmas than you, Bryan. Sorry.
Who is Bryan Tanaka, you ask, other than a sad poor person? Apparently he’s Mariah’s very ripped 33-year-old backup dancer who quickly became a rebound after she broke off her engagement with Australian billionaire James Packer. The two started dating in February, but it didn’t take long for Mariah to miss something about her fiancé, and it definitely wasn’t his smile.
After realizing her insatiable need for attention and expensive shit, Mariah had two choices: either break up with Bryan while he still had some dignity intact, or start subsidizing his stingy dancer salary so he could buy her enough presents to get through a few more months of their doomed relationship. Being the decent and altruistic person she is, Mariah chose the latter.
Either Bryan is really bad at picking out gifts, or Mariah just got super fucking bored with it all because she just dumped him yesterday and seems totally fine with it. Better luck next time Bryan, maybe if you start saving up now you could afford to hang out with Mariah for like, one afternoon or something.
