At this point, Panera is basically a way of life for suburban Americans. Whether you only have like, 15 minutes for dinner, you need to spend hours studying, or you just broke up with your boyfriend and broccoli cheddar soup is all that fits you right now, Panera is there to serve you. And though it can be a bit basic at times, there’s a lot to like about Panera. First of all, their food is “100% clean,” which is a fancy way of saying it might not be healthy, but it’s not, like, bad for you. Their logo is literally a woman hugging a loaf of bread, which we can high-key relate to. So yeah, Panera is legit, but they have a big menu, and it’s important to know what message your order might be sending to any potential hookups who may be eating a bread bowl nearby. Also, never order a bread bowl. They’re delicious, but not “ten thousand calories” delicious.
Broccoli Cheddar Soup
Sorry, but you’re probably a basic bitch and most definitely not focused on your summer beach body right now. We know this soup is delicious, but does it really seem like a good idea to be eating a bowl of hot cheese? This is an okay order in middle school, but our tastes have evolved a bit in the last decade. And by that we mean, our metabolism ain’t what it used to be and don’t enjoy farting constantly throughout the day.
Chicken Noodle Soup
Are you sick or something? If broccoli cheddar soup was our middle school order, this was our elementary school order. If you don’t have like, the flu, this should be a no. And if you do have the flu, why tf are you in a Panera? Get your ass back to bed and stop infecting the entire suburban mom population of your town with your nasty-ass germs. Great, now I need to go wash my hands.
Tbh you’re boring. It probably takes people like, four times meeting you before they remember your name, because there’s not a lot going on. You should try getting a fun haircut or something, because life is too short to be invisible. Also, get a better salad. Have you heard of kale? It’s a superfood. Try it.
Bacon Turkey Bravo
This one feels fancy because the bread has like, tomatoes or something baked into it, but it also has bacon. This is the sandwich for people who want to convince themselves they’re being healthy, when in reality they’re eating a sandwich they could make at home for 1/2 the sodium and two times the flavor. Like, really, the Bacon Turkey Bravo is just an overpriced turkey BLT. There is nothing special about it. If you’re ordering this and paying like $9 or whatever they’re charging these days for this mediocrity, you are delusional. Congratulations.
Fuji Apple Salad
Your mom probably ordered this for you once and you just kept getting it for yourself. Apple chips are obvi delicious, but the dressing basically looks like jizz, which is very concerning. Branch out sweetie, there’s a great big world out there.
Steak & White Cheddar Panini
This feels like something dads should be ordering. Just the idea of a steak sandwich kind of makes our stomach hurt, so probs not. And really, who tf orders steak at Panera? Also if you want a cheesesteak go to Philadelphia, that’s what they do there. If this order says anything about you, it’s that you appear to be confused. Also, and we’ll say it again for the people in the back, who tf orders steak at Panera?
Roasted Beet, Quinoa, & Citrus Salad
You’re a fake hipster, aren’t you? Like, you don’t really want people to know you go to Panera, but you got something with quinoa on it so you convince yourself it’s vegan. You probably wear glasses without a prescription and ride a bike that looks like it’s from the 1800s. Adios.
Panera has pasta apparently? We weren’t aware of this until we looked at the menu online, so if you’ve been ordering pasta all this time you must be a real Panera freak. Only menu deep cuts for you. This analysis does not include the mac n cheese, which is bomb and should be attached to me via IV.
Bagel With Cream Cheese
You’re either poor, hungover, or both. Let’s be real, if you’re ordering bagels at Panera you’ve either a) never been to New York, or b) the delusional type of person who thinks Boston has better bagels than New York or some shit. Either way, the bagels at Panera aren’t that good but they’re only like a dollar, so that’s dece. They do get props for the cream cheese, tho. You also might be that weird picky eater in the friend group who always says she can eat anywhere but then doesn’t want anything on the menu. It probably sucks to be you.
People have probably called you “high-maintenance,” but you’re really just assertive. You know what you want, and you’re not willing to compromise if you don’t have to. You probably don’t get stressed about making real adult phone calls, and you probably show up to shit on time. Or you might just be indecisive. We’re honestly not sure. You’re probably just indecisive.