Welcome back, delinquents. We’re back at Summer House and my second consecutive hour of Bravo reality shows. My brain cells are atrophying as we speak.
Okay sorry, Amit is self-employed and he has a dog? Someone please comment with his phone number. Mostly here for the dog tbh. #herefortherightreasons
This is not at all essential to the recap, but here is Amit’s dog, for those of you who were wondering:
Amanda tries to ask Kyle if they would ever move in together and she’s like, “I just want to begin to talk about considering the possibility of us maybe thinking about moving in together.” Jesus, grow some balls and be direct.
Kyle basically says “I’m not going to move in, but I’m not NOT going to move in.” Amanda also has to pull teeth to get Kyle to even accept the idea of them hanging out on weeknights, so this relationship is going well. Really strong couple we have.
Danielle and Carl get lunch and she says “Carl isn’t the guy for me but I’d definitely make out with him again.” That is a dangerous fucking game to play, Dani.
Lindsay and Lauren get lunch and Lindsay is like, “Amit is definitely flirting with me” *cut to* Amit making fun of her mercilessly and saying that nobody in the house can hook u with each other. Is that what flirting is? If so, it explains why I’m single.
Apparently Lauren and Carl made out after the Pride Parade, because there’s nothing that encourages two straight people to hook up more than celebrating gay pride.
Danielle tries to explain to Carl how he and Lauren cannot be friends, asserting that, “women will always take it to a more emotional level.” Fuck outta here with that sexist nonsense. Where’s Lala when you need her? Get her up in here to explain pussy power to Danielle. The phenomenon of catching feelings is not unique to women!
Stephen rolls up to the Summer House with 67 Amazon boxes, further solidifying why I love him so much. What is he even ordering? I would like a full unboxing video, thanks Bravo.
The girls go on a bike riding wine tour and the guys are boxing at the house. *Makes mental note to do a wine bike tour in the summer* Once again, Stephen is me: sitting on a rainbow swan floatie and watching these two meatheads beat the shit out of each other. Stephen is all of us. WE. ARE. STEPHEN. (In my head I chanted that in a “WE ARE MARSHALL” type way. If you didn’t do the same, you need to get with the program.)
Stephen: Muhammad Ali said float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, I say sit on a float and sip twisted tea.
Stephen McGee, the Shakespeare of our time.
At this picnic, Danielle is like “So how was pride?” and Lauren starts talking about how fucked up Carl acted and Danielle is like, “No no IDGAF about Carl being insensitive. I heard you had a makeout.” Like, bitch, you jealous? Why are you so concerned?
Tbh nothing interesting happens for a full 10 minutes until right after dinner they cut to Stephen motor boating Lauren’s boobs. He says it hurt. That’s because her implants are like rocks.
Honestly I’m glad everyone is ganging up on Danielle because she’s trying to be a little shit-stirrer but she’s really not subtle at all enough to be doing this. Homegirl needs to learn some finesse. Also, you can’t be the new girl coming into the house, blatantly trying to start drama, and then get upset when nobody likes you. Them’s the breaks, sweetheart.
Everyone goes to sleep, but Danielle orchestrates a booty call at 1:30am. I can’t even get one person to invite me out to the Hamptons; I’m jealous that all these girls have three Hamptons baes on deck. How about you share the love??
Everyone is food shopping for the party. Lindsay is gushing about Everett and Stephen’s in a corner of the grocery store, eating. You guys already know what I’m gonna say. Like, what would this show be without Stephen constantly judging from a corner? NOTHING. It would be nothing. But also, did you pay for that food, Stephen?
There’s really not that much to say about this party except that Kyle’s wig is back and I reallyy wish I was invited to this party. Lauren brought some random guy she found at a fucking baby shower, leading me to believe she takes her dating advice from Chazz Reinhold.
Carl: Lauren brought a date to the party which isn’t cool because it’s only okay when I do it.
JK he didn’t say that, but he said it with his eyes. He was like, “Yea it’s cool it’s totally cool why wouldn’t it be cool we’re both single it’s cool cool cool.”
Every girl at the party is throwing themselves at Amit and he is so unbothered. What pheromones does he use?? Asking for myself.
Danielle uses her amazing Puerto Rican deductive reasoning skills to reach the conclusion that Lauren is giving her the cold shoulder. Probably because everytime Lauren walks past Danielle, she doesn’t acknowledge her in any way.
Danielle: Coming from a Puerto Rican background it’s easy to tell when someone’s mad at you.
Is that a stereotype or is that just like, being observant? An honest question.
Danielle is pointing out how Lauren decides to talk to Carl at the party and is like “Hm, that’s weird.” Is it, though?? They live in the same house. Danielle is not letting Lauren breathe. Actual footage of me watching:
So over the course of this party it comes out that during the off-season Carl was fucking Lauren RAW and still had the audacity to claim they were “just friends.” I just want to know where Carl lives, because Lauren clearly lives in New York and he lives in fucking Fuckboy Fantasy Land. I’ll clarify for anyone at home who needs some further information on this: NO ONE fucks someone who’s just a friend. Especially without a condom. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. No one in their right mind is putting themselves at risk for pregnancy or STIs for someone they only deem “a friend”. At least one party has feelings. Okay, are we clear? Good.
Lindsay is trying to come onto Amit and is like, “What do you like about me?”
Amit: Umm, I like that… you have eyes. And…hair.
Then he runs away and leaves her alone on the bed, texting. How most of my hookups end, actually.
Lauren’s glaring angrily at Carl’s date and double fisting handles of Fireball. This isn’t going to end well. I’m hoping for a fight. She grabs the cake with purpose in her eyes… and I think I know what’s about to happen, and… I’m right. She kicks some random girl out of the way and CAKES CARL IN THE FACE AND THEN MAKES OUT WITH HIM.
^Incidentally, this is also how most of my hookups end.
Omg. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I think Lauren has gone full psycho. I’m also mad that she wasted a perfectly good cake. That’s all she wrote for this week.