Now, you’re probably wondering what is a “one and done”? This is what I call a housewife who is only on for one season and then fired. Some need to go ASAP, and Bravo usually does a good job at realizing who has staying power and who doesn’t. But there are some who I feel deserved a second chance. It is hard for any housewife to come on and join an already established cast, especially when some cities have been on TV for 10+ years.
What is the perfect recipe for a good housewife? You have to be confrontational, or at least opinionated in confessionals (Carole Radziwill was so good at this). And personally, I love someone who isn’t afraid to show her entire life and really open up. Shannon Storms Beador (Storms is her maiden name and I’m obsessed with it) is a perfect example of someone who came on to the show and literally showed us everything, from her ex husband’s affair, to her weight gain. And that’s why people relate to her, because she is super raw. Another thing that makes a great new housewife is there ability to be self-aware. This isn’t a super common trait we see, but when we do, we take notice. Bethenny Frankel, Gizelle Bryant, and Margret Josephs are great at this. And that’s why they will be in the Real Housewives hall of fame.
The Real Housewives of New York City: Jules Wainstein
Guys, I loved Jules. I think she is one of the most underrated housewives of all time. TBH, a trailblazer. She was the first housewife to ever come out and be honest about having an eating disorder. It was amazing to see how she was incredibly raw and honest about it. At times it could be triggering because, as she stated on the show, you’re always in recovery and it is a daily battle. Also, she and her husband Michael had what I call the “Kelsey Grammer” syndrome, meaning he pushed her to do the show while he had an affair so she wasn’t so focused on what he was doing. They filed for divorce shortly after the show wrapped. I would’ve just loved to see single Jules coming out on the other end of a divorce and balancing motherhood with her business Modern Alkeme. I will welcome her back with open arms at any time.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Kathryn Edwards
Hear me out. Kathryn deserved a second season. She had a deep connection to Faye Resnick (Kyle Richards’ controversial BFF), and that connection is OJ Simpson. The whole OJ trial actually always seems to run under the surface in this group due to their location, and they’re all one degree of separation from the Kardashians. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, literally ever. She sat down for dinner at Kyle’s BBQ and immediately went in on Faye’s book she wrote, where she insuated that Marcus Allen (OJ’s best friend) was having an affair with Nicole Brown Simpson, and that Kathryn was the “kind of woman who turned a blind eye to adultery.” Also, her husband was super hot, and we all need a little eye candy.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Claudia Jordan
Truthfully, this is the one that puzzles me the most. WHY WASN’T SHE BROUGHT BACK!? I will never understand it. She brought it all, she had glam, was down to earth, was outspoken. AND. Let us not forget one of the most iconic reads in history of RHOA, when she came for NeNe Leakes and her “ramen noodle hair”. When I tell you I let out an audible gasp. I had never seen anyone come for NeNe like that, and successfully. She is one of the only people on the show besides my queen, Phaedra Parks, who I felt had the wit and sophistication to take down the OG of RHOA. It was truly a moment that should be studied in the history books of reality television.
The Real Housewives of D.C.
This cast walked so Potomac could run. Andy has said in the past that he wanted to bring it back for a second season, but the whole White House Gate-crashing situation kind of left a “stink” on the show. But I would’ve watched regardless. Michaele Salahi and her husband at the time, Tariq, were essentially cons and some how finagled their way into Barack Obama’s first White House State Dinner, and then had to testify before the Congressional committee in which they invoked their fifth amendment rights. Also, Michaele said she was a Washington Redskins cheerleader, but got caught in that lie as well when she could provide no proof that she was.
We gave Real Housewives of Miami three chances, and did they have someone break into the White House State Dinner? I don’t think so. And Cat was my favorite—she’s British and has an incredibly dry sense of humor that I just really appreciated. And her husband was the White House’s photographer until he filed for divorce from Cat, and she was left in D.C with her daughters and was given no explanation. I’m bitter that they never got their second chance. But then again, because of them we have the second best show on television, The Real Housewives of Potomac.
Images: Giphy (4)
Kelly Dodd is saving The Real Housewives of Orange County from extinction. There, I said it. This may be considered a hot take, but I warned you (and the title should have, too). Is she incredibly polarizing? Yes, but only when provoked. Over the years, we have seen her lash out and say things she later regrets, but we have also seen her be an incredibly loyal friend and a great mom to her daughter, Jolie.
We first met Kelly when we were coming out of a season that was filled with cancer scams and victim mentalities. And in my opinion, RHOC had become stale. There wasn’t a stable cast, Vicki was still the queen bee, and Tamra—who was always the one we could trust to stir sh*t up—became a born-again Christian. RHOC became something I put on in the background while I sat on my phone and played Candy Crush. But when Kelly Dodd came in with her bold red lip (it is a MAC lipstick called Lady Danger, for those wondering) and dirty dad jokes, I knew we had something good.
New Housewives usually come in either too nice and trying to befriend everyone, or they’re boring and are what I call “one and dones.” But not Kelly. At first, she quickly befriended Vicki, which was a bold move considering Vicki had isolated herself from the rest of the ladies by kind of participating in a cancer scam. But Vicki was the only one (except Meghan King Edmonds) who was open to meeting a new friend. And then, not even five episodes into her first season, she screamed at Shannon Beador and called her “Mrs. Roper,” and I remember pausing it in total shock that a new Housewife would come in so hot. Guys, I was hooked. I hadn’t seen this kind of energy from a newbie in a long time. And she wasn’t afraid to defend herself against a fan favorite.
Kelly just brings a new and sometimes chaotic energy to RHOC. She kind of has a Ramona Singer-esque quality about her that I just can’t quit. She says outlandish, sometimes hurtful things, then apologizes, and I can’t stay mad at her. Bethenny always said that about Ramona: you just can’t stay mad at her, no matter what she does. And we all know Ramona has done some sh*t.
Kelly Dodd joined the cast married to Michael. We watched as she struggled with her marriage, and we saw how unhappy they both seemed to be. She tried to figure out if she wanted to get a divorce, and ultimately made the decision to split. I think I was as surprised as everyone else when we saw how easy she and Michael made it seem. Michael and Kelly both moved on, and were both OK. And that was a big juxtaposition from watching Shannon and her divorce. I loved seeing a woman make a really hard decision, but the right one for her and her family, then come out the other side loving life post-divorce. It wasn’t this scarlet letter or embarrassing failure some women on the show paint it out to be. Granted, everyone has a different situation, but nonetheless I really enjoyed it. It was refreshing.
I knew we had a legend on our hands last year, when Kelly took to Instagram live to film herself in the parking lot of an Orange Theory waiting for Heather Dubrow to leave, and Heather wouldn’t stop talking and she didn’t want to walk in with her standing there. It was seriously iconic. Kelly and Heather butted heads Heather’s last season when Kelly called Shannon a c*nt, and in Ireland when Heather continuously called Kelly trash. I think one of the things that makes Kelly different from some of the other Housewives is she doesn’t intentionally hurt anyone. She simply reacts. Every time we have seen her lash out, it was because she was backed into a corner. Which TBH, we have all done.
All I can say to wrap this up is as soon as Kelly joined, I look forward to RHOC again. I can always look to her for drama, fashion, and her “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude. Also, with Vicki’s demotion to “friend of,” that makes room for a new leader. And that is Kelly Dodd.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
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If you read our weekly Photoshop Fail series, then you’re well aware by now that nothing on Instagram is as it seems. People are using half a dozen apps to edit their photos, and they’re not stopping at fixing the lighting and red eye. Because most people don’t have a solid understanding of how to use complex programs like Photoshop, everyone is always looking for the best, most simple app to look like an Instagram model. Enter Spring, which I found out about last week, and it’s already taken over my life. (I am not well.)
I first found out about Spring when my girl Bravo Historian posted about it on Instagram. She first noticed something was off when Brittany Cartwright from Vanderpump Rules posted a pic with some suspiciously long legs. The issue? These legs don’t look like normal person legs. And to top it off, Brittany has the classic Instagram influencer huge feet. Why does everyone on Instagram have huge feet??
For reference, here’s a photo Brittany posted a few weeks ago, when she was in Vegas with her VPR costars. Britt looks hot af, but her legs look…normal in length? Of course, it could all come down to a weird angle or something, but her legs are so prominently featured in the beach photo that I just feel like she did something to stretch them out and make them appear longer.
After she posted about Britt’s legs, one of Bravo Historian’s followers tipped her off about a photo editing app called Spring, and that was the moment my entire life changed. I need a calendar that just marks time by whether it happened Before Spring (BS) or After Spring (AS). Guys, this app is WILD.
The Spring app has been around for years, but for some reason, it’s not nearly as well known as some other photo editing apps. The app is almost too simple to use, and it has three features: slimming, height lengthening, and head resizing. I’m not really sure why you would need to resize your head, so I’m ignoring that for today, but the slimming and lengthening features are straight-up SORCERY.
Rather than some apps where you just pinch and pull wherever you want, Spring has you set lines for where your ankles, hips, and shoulders are, so it only stretches the photo in certain places. It’s some kind of dark magic, and it works. All of a sudden, anyone can be 5’10, and there’s basically no way to tell if your entire life has been a lie.
So, who’s been using Spring, or another app like it, to make themselves look nine feet tall? Bravo Historian pointed out this photo of Ciara, complete with the telltale big-ass feet, and I could see it tbh.
This photo is cute beyond words, but there was no need for Ciara to make herself into Elastigirl.
Kylie Jenner is no stranger to some janky photo editing, but this photo is still crazy to me. Look at her f*cking legs! And that big-ass foot! I feel like this picture was taken through a kaleidoscope with how confusing the angle is, but she looks way taller than 5’6. And with that being said, this is a great photo of Kylie, but this just isn’t how her legs look. Or really how anyone’s legs look, for that matter.
Could the epidemic of the big-ass feet be reaching all the way to Miley Cyrus’ hot girl summer trip to Lake Como? I don’t want to believe it, but come on, those legs look crazy! Maybe I’m just dumb and have been taking my photos incorrectly all this time, but I don’t believe that all of these women just look like this in real life.
Here’s mega influencer Chiara Ferragni chilling on a boat with some big-ass feet of her own. Her legs definitely look long here, along with the fact that her butt curves at basically a perfect 90º angle, which I’m not sure is a naturally-occurring thing.
Basically, either everyone with over a million followers on Instagram just happens to have big-ass feet, or there’s something a little more sneaky going on here.
While we don’t know if all of these famous people and influencers are actually using Spring, or another app like it, my curiosity was obviously running wild. Therefore, I had no choice but to download the app and try it out for myself. A few days ago I was hanging out at a guy’s apartment, and his lobby had a sick mirror, so I obviously had to take a selfie as I was leaving. Sue me, I’m vain. I popped the photo into the Spring app, lengthened and slimmed, et voila.
For reference, I’m six feet tall, so I don’t really need the help, but the angle of the mirror made my legs look a little stubby. I’m not Holly, so I won’t pick apart whether every line in the edited photo is straight as a ruler, but I’m pretty impressed with myself, if I may say so. If I were scrolling down Instagram and saw this photo, I wouldn’t automatically think that I literally rearranged my anatomy to look taller and thinner.
Okay, so my random lobby selfie was pretty good, but what really stopped me in my tracks was this annoying mirror selfie I took at the gym a few months ago. I was feeling pretty good when I took this photo, and I look skinny for me, but I put it in the Spring app and oh my GOD. Whose legs are those? Where did my stomach go?? Am I a Greek god???
Should I quit my job and become a model? You don’t have to answer, I already put in my two-weeks notice.
Honestly, I probably need to delete this app from my phone after I’m done with this article, because I can already feel it f*cking with my mind. I look at these edited photos of myself and I feel good, but that feeling completely disappears when I remember that it’s not how I actually look. Then I’m just left feeling worse about my actual body than I did before the editing. Brittany and everyone else can do whatever they want, but this is not the energy that I need in my life.
Images: Spring / App Store; Brittany (3), Ciara, kyliejenner, mileycyrus, chiaraferragni / Instagram
Earlier this week, The Real Housewives of Orange County’s 14th season premiered. It was pretty much what everyone expected, relatively entertaining and slow. But what happened offscreen was anything but slow. Housewives Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd got into an explosive Twitter war on Tuesday night, and it did not disappoint.
If you know anything about Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd, you know they are both ruthless and cutting. These two have only really ever gotten along when they were both attacking the same person. They find common ground in hatred. But normally, they are at odds and both incredibly alpha. Also, it is rumored that Tamra feels that if Kelly had her way, she would be demoted just like fellow costar and the OG of the OC, Vicki Gunvalson (RIP Vicki).
Tamra and Kelly have been feuding off-camera since they finished filming the new season, and that means they’re always taking it to Twitter or Instagram to sound off on what the other might be saying in their testimonials.
This specific feud began when, during the premiere, Tamra was showing off her new house and in my opinion, was just really happy about her new home. Kelly fired off a tweet that started it all, saying “Living in Coto you’re rich!! Lmfao who says that?? Coto is in the sticks!”
And if you have been watching RHOC, you know that Tamra is not a doormat by any means, and will not just take things lying down. So naturally, she attacked.
These two are legends when it comes to fighting and taking low blows. Truly, no one does it like Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd, which is why this feud is instantly iconic, and honestly I never want it to end. What can I say? I am a messy bitch who lives for drama.
After Tamra said, “Let’s compare income? If it bothers you that much,” she shot another brutal dig at Kelly: “I pay for my houses. I don’t date old men for money,” and Kelly’s response sent me screaming.
Really, “take ur own cbd & relax” is one of the best insults I’ve ever heard.
This fight went on for several hours, and they weren’t just replying to each other, but to fans who were chiming in as well. Ultimately, this all resulted in Tamra deleting her tweets, per the advice of Bravo executives. The producers tend to not like when the housewives get too messy while the season is airing.
Season 14 of RHOC is just starting, so there should be plenty more drama between Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd. It should be pretty interesting to see what this season has to offer us, and I’m looking forward to seeing how the women interact without Vicki holding an orange.
Images: Bravo; RHOC_KellyDodd, tamrabarney / Twitter
OK, I have to vent. I am a huge Housewives fan, probably bordering on unhealthy. But the heart wants what it wants. Last week, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finished their ninth season with a three-part reunion. Normally after a reunion, I feel a sense of closure or find myself Team *Insert Housewife Name Here* but this time, nothing. Completely empty. When I say that it felt like the longest season ever, that’s an understatement. Every episode felt like a filler episode. The entire season was made up of a storyline that felt so forced and over-produced, it almost made it unwatchable (I am trash so I will literally watch anything Bravo puts in front of me—even if I’m not happy about it).
At one point, these women were trailblazers. A breath of fresh air. We had a cast of complex characters who gave us wish fulfillment on a level we had never seen on a Real Housewives franchise. When Beverly Hills first aired in 2010, the Housewives were still relatively new but picking up momentum. The women didn’t know how to produce their own storylines. Instagram didn’t exist. Twitter was still so new, and no one really knew how to utilize it. All they had were Bravo blogs. It was a different time. So how the hell did we get here? How can a franchise that gave us so much betray us like this?
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills first aired in 2010, and I specifically remember this because I had gotten my wisdom teeth out that December and watched the “Dinner Party from Hell” episode. Allison Dubois smoking an e-cig while reading Kyle Richards still haunts me to this day. What a journey that was on pain meds. Anyway, I digress.
We started out with a bang. We were introduced to Kyle and Kim Richards, who are sisters (and Paris Hilton’s aunts, NBD). We saw their complicated relationship throughout the first season and that all came to a head when the two sisters got into an explosive fight and Kyle outed Kim as an alcoholic. Everyone gasped. This was not something they had been public about or even brought up on the show until this point. We tackled the breakdown of Camille’s 14-year relationship to Kelsey Grammer. She often would project her own feelings of being inadequate without Kelsey onto the other ladies, which gave us “You’re such a f*cking liar Camille”.
*Cue everyone’s shocked face*
As the seasons went on, we watched Taylor Armstrong (who was a main cast member since the beginning) go through an incredibly difficult time. Taylor was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with Russell Armstrong, and that was well documented on the show. We would often see Taylor with a black eye covered by a heavy side bang. She eventually left the show after trying to cope with her husband’s suicide and the legal troubles that followed. Adrienne Maloof’s possible surrogacy was brought up, and she threatened legal action against fellow castmate Brandi Glanville. Lisa Rinna joined in season five and repeatedly came for Kim Richards and her sobriety, claiming she was worried for her. Yolanda Hadid struggled with Lyme disease. I’m telling you, a lot has happened.
But something has felt off for the last few seasons, and during this last reunion it became very clear that Lisa Vanderpump and other cast members would often discuss what they will bring up and what not to bring up on camera, which left viewers frustrated. Understandably. And I am in no way Team LVP, but my frustration reached a serious high when, at the reunion, Andy Cohen (the king of Bravo) asked the ladies some questions about some of their own financial issues that had been going on while filming, which they never discussed. The women were quick to dismiss these claims and brushed it off. Instead of confronting these things throughout the season, we went to another Boy George concert and discussed Dorit bringing a dog to a shelter for 10 episodes. Come on. Thank god for the shady producers who blessed us with some BTS footage of a woman chasing Dorit and Lisa Rinna around a pool asking her about her ongoing lawsuits, but again: why wasn’t this shown during the season?! This is why we watch!
In the earlier seasons, the Housewives didn’t cherry pick what they wanted to show; they just lived their truths. Even though at times things could get incredibly dark, I appreciated it. They put themselves out there in a real way, showing the good and the bad. But as the seasons went on, the Housewives began to manipulate the production aspect. They started to discuss details about the upcoming season with the other women prior to filming: what parties to throw, how to perfectly time their engagements and weddings to make sure they happen while filming (or maybe aim for a spin-off). They would orchestrate drama to cause friction with the other Housewives in an attempt to make their adversaries look bad to the viewers. And even though the ratings were steady, for many viewers the franchise itself is at an all-time low. That’s saying a lot considering one of the most notorious housewives, Lisa Vanderpump, had quit and didn’t show up to the reunion. You would think when a cast member dramatically departs a show after nine seasons, we would be on the edge of our seats. But nope, we got nothing.
I really don’t know what will come of RHOBH. I am excited to see which cast members will go (looking at you Erika), and which ones will stay, and who they will bring on. It will be interesting to see the dynamic especially now that Lisa Vanderpump is gone—will they set up someone else as the protagonist? Hopefully. And either way, I will be watching. What can I say, Bravo has me in its clutches.
Images: NBC; Giphy (2)
