There’s A Conspiracy Theory That Angelina Jolie & Justin Theroux Are Dating

You read that correctly. The Hollywood rumor wheel has struck again, this time at the hands of the classic trio Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Since Jen separated from Justin Theroux earlier this year, reports have circled that Brad and Jen may be rekindling their long-lost (and publicly adored) love. If this is true, then the “I Hate Rachel Green Jennifer Aniston Club” is no more. But the juiciest part of this whole rumor? Justin Theroux and Angelina Jolie may be the newest Hollywood couple. The history of these two couples is more complex than keeping up with Kylie Jenner’s hair color, so here is a handy timeline.

The Divorce Timeline

March 2005: The world was devastated to learn that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston had decided to divorce, and Brad immediately gets together with Angelina Jolie. Ever since, whenever Brad and Angie are in the tabloids, they seem to drag Jen into the story as well. (This article is no exception.)

August 23, 2014: Although they’ve been together for 10 years prior, Brad and Angelina officially tie the knot. The couple refused to marry until gay marriage was legalized. Hats off to ya.

August 5, 2015: Jen and Justin started dating in 2012 and privately got married in 2015 at a ceremony “disguised as a party for family and friends to celebrate Justin’s birthday in a bid to keep people from discovering they were tying the knot.” Sneaky.

September 2016: Brangelina file for divorce.

Brad and Angelina Divorce

February 11, 2017: Jen reportedly received a birthday message from her ex-lover (aka Brad slid into Jen’s DMs). TBH this wasn’t that sketchy until reports arose that Brad didn’t actually have her phone number. Instead, he had to go through a whole list of people in order to get it. That seems like a lot of effort for just an innocent birthday message. Brad, if you just want to f*ck, then just say it.

March 1, 2017: Us Weekly reported that the exes have been texting, but said that “Justin is OK with them being friends.” Aww poor Justin, so naive. If only someone told him that texting your ex is a red flag.

August 2017: Brangelina’s divorce is put on hold. A US Weekly source said, “Everyone thinks they are going to get back together … It wouldn’t be surprising if they announced that they’re calling it off and trying to work things out.”

February 15, 2018: Jennifer and Justin separate, releasing a statement that said: “This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year.”

September 2018: Almost two years after initially filing for divorce, it has yet to be finalized. Angelina’s attorney submitted papers to the court stating that she wants a judgment “returning the parties to single status during calendar year 2018.” Does anyone else find it a weird coincidence that Brad and Angie’s divorce is re-introduced just a few months after Jen and Justin’s? Hmmm.

Jennifer Aniston "Interesting"

Marriage Rumours

Although many sources discredited the rumors about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being back together and possibly remarried *gasp,* I believe all Hollywood tabloid stories have some element of truth that reveals itself eventually. In Touch published a story saying the couple married on their 18th anniversary this past summer. But since Brangelina are technically still married, this couldn’t possibly be true. But I’m at least hoping these rumors have some sort of truth to them.

We Are Psychics

I’m not going to say Betches predicted the future but… Betches predicted the future. On March 1, 2017,  the Head Pro wrote an article shortly before Brangelina’s divorce was put on hold in August of 2017. The article stated that Brad and Jen are “basically back together.” Although the rumors of the two rekindling their early 2000s romance and possibly re-marriage didn’t circulate until almost a year later, the Head Pro was ahead of the rest of us. Maybe fortune telling is a better career option for him? Real talk, though, the only people who know how long Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been “seeing each other” is Jen and Brad. So when (not if) you guys want to go public with your old new relationship, call me so we can be the first to report (or email us at [email protected]). Again. Thanks.

Brad Pitt Kiss

Angelina’s Revenge

Now for the cherry on the sundae. While Brad and Jen are enjoying their relationship, Angelina reportedly got in contact with Justin. She set up a date with Jen’s ex while Angelina was in New York and the two really hit it off, as reported by New Idea on September 14. Idk how reliable this source is, though, since I’ve never heard of New Idea. Or maybe we are just ahead of the celebrity news game like last time. Believe what you want.

Angelina Jolie

Images: Giphy (4)
Are you like, super into conspiracy theories? What about cults? True crime? Then you’re in luck. On October 1, we’re launching a new podcast that will talk about all of those things. It’s called Not Another True Crime Podcast. Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod and Twitter at @natcpod for more info. 

Brad And Angelina Are Reportedly Getting Back Together

While most of the world is still recovering from the tragic news of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris’ breakup, we, the hard-hitting journalists of the world, have different celebrity couples to move on to. Namely, Brad and Angelina, and why they might not be calling it quits after all.

Are you okay? Did you faint? Yes, you read that correctly. Brangelina, power couple of the century, adopters of seven million children, human rights pioneers, might be giving it another shot. Let’s discuss.

It’s been 11 months since Angelina first confirmed the divorce was happening, when she said that it was “for the health of the family.” The world momentarily stopped turning and we definitely shed a tear or 100, but now there are new developments. According to reports, they haven’t moved forward on the divorce in several months, and it seems unlikely that they will anytime soon.

Tears Of Joy

Sources say that Brad got sober to try and win Angie back, which sounds like no fun but also, like, good for him. Angie supposedly read about his changes in his GQ story in May and had a change of heart. What, he couldn’t just text her that he was sober or slide into her DMs like a normal person? Whatever. In the story, Brad repeatedly uses “boozing” as a verb, which makes us slightly uncomfortable in the way that our dads saying “lit” makes us uncomfortable, but it’s the thought that counts.

Also, last month in an interview for Vanity Fair, Angie said that the divorce has been the “hardest time, and we’re just kind of coming up for air.” What does all this mean?? Why are all these developments happening through magazine interviews? Sorry to all you girls who are still Team Jen Aniston, but it looks like Angie and Brad might be back together. Thank god. Just when I was starting to think love is a construct invented by the film industry and we’re all sitting in a rock hurtling through space *puts down blunt*. Now I can die happy, as long as this doesn’t mean a Mr. & Mrs. Smith sequel.

Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston Are Basically Back Together

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at [email protected].

Justin Theroux—actor, director and screenwriter. Soon to be added to that resumé? Cuck—and not in the way alt-right Twitter eggs use it to criticize people they don’t like. I mean in the actual sense of “someone is about to be sleeping with his wife. That’s because, according to the ironclad US Weekly, former dreamboat William Bradley “Brad” Pitt has reportedly started texting his first ex-wife and eternal childless sad person, Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston

We all know how this goes. It’s a matter of when, not if.

US Weekly‘s source, perhaps out of deference to Justin, paints this as an issue of emotional support. Brad “has confided in Jen,” reveals the source. Apparently, Brad is having a hard time with his divorce from Angelina, because his divorce from Jen was just a walk in the park I guess, and he and Jen “exchanged a few texts reminiscing about the past.”

Christ, how many times have you—me, us—done this after a breakup? When someone stops touching your (lady)boner, the first place you turn is the last person who willingly touched your (lady)boner. When he’s “reminiscing about the past,” he’s not talking about the weeks they spent kayaking in Fiji. He’s talking about the time he ate her out in the bathroom at TGI Friday’s.

Besides, Brad is acting WAY too thirsty for someone who just needs a shoulder to cry on. He reached out to her with a birthday text, but he didn’t even have her number—he obtained it through a “tangled web of contacts,” which is anonymous source speak for “he slid into her DMs on Instagram.” Below, our visualization of said sliding:

Jennifer Aniston

Have you ever had a guy slide into your DMs and not try to fuck you? I thought not.

Soon-to-be-cucked Justin Theroux is admirably (laughably? pitifully?) taking this on the chin with all the false wokeness a man can muster.

“Justin is OK with them being friends,” notes the insider. Besides, the source adds, he knows “Jen just wants to be nice.”

Ha. Hahahahaha. Bro, your wife’s ex isn’t her prom date or the guy she lost her virginity to. It’s Brad Fucking Pitt. Like, this dude shit all over your wife in the absolute most public way possible. If, even after all these years, her response to his texts is anything other than “go fuck yourself,” or the above “eat a dick,” she’s clearly just as thirsty as he is.

RIP, Justin Theroux’s pride.

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at [email protected].

Brad Pitt Is Texting Jennifer Aniston Again, Just Like Every Fuckboy Post-Breakup

This morning US Weekly reported that Brad Pitt is texting Jennifer Aniston again, because if there’s one thing that’s extremely predictable in this world, it’s how fuckboys recycle their exes. Pitt, who divorced Aniston in 2005 after being married for five years, conveniently wants to get in touch now that he’s going through another messy divorce with Angelina Jolie and battling for custody of their children he was accused of abusing back in September. How cute.

The details of this are literally exactly what you’d expect, but I guess we can go through them anyway. It all starts with Brad tracking down Jen’s number in order to *cringe* wish her a happy birthday on February 11th. This is by far the most pathetic and cliché excuse to get in contact with an ex, and I would’ve respected a 2:39am “U up?” text significantly more. I can’t even imagine what his thought process was while constructing this message: “Sorry we haven’t spoken in years because I cheated on you and married the other woman but I hope your 48th birthday is the best one yet! (Birthday cake emoji)”

15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy

The source further revealed that, fucking duh, Brad wanted to do more than offer a disingenuous birthday wish and began confiding in Jen dumping all of his emotional garbage onto her. He apparently “told her he’s having a hard time with his split.” It’s funny because no one knew that divorces could be difficult and emotionally traumatizing, especially not Jen—OH WAIT.

So all of this is unfolding like clockwork and you get the gist of what’s happening here, including Jen’s justification for responding that she “just wants to be nice.” NO, JEN! *screams every woman in America* There are times to be nice (not that I’ve ever witnessed one but that’s what I’m told), and this is NOT one of them. Enabling fuckboys just makes them grow stronger and douchier, which is the exact opposite of what we want. The only thing Brad should be seeing in response to these extremely lame texts is “Read at 11:54am.” Stay strong, Jen! Someone out there has already started a KickStarter campaign to help you; I’m sure of it.

The Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle