In addition to roasting under the sun,
creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.
This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.
1. Messy Waves
Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.
2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care
Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”
After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.
^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready
3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo
You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.
4. Loose Braid
I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.
5. Messy Bun
When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.
Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.
Festival season is upon us which means that every basic bitch in America is about to start announcing on social media how much of a music connoisseur she is while also Googling “where can I buy flower crowns.” Even though it’s only been, like, four months of 2017 I’ve already seen too much in terms of batshit beauty trends. For example,
looking like you just gave head the “snogged lips” trend and using condoms to blend your face makeup. That being said, I’m already thinking about how I’ll need to psych myself up pop a Xanax before bitches start testing me with their Coachella life choices.
But because I am a generous human, and also because bottles of pinot were “buy one get one” at the store, I thought I’d take the time to enlighten you on how to be less basic this festival season. Here are 7 Coachella beauty trends that will take your
Instagram story festival look to the next level:
1. Khaleesi Braids
I swear to god if I see one more long-ass Dutch braid pigtail combo I will lose my goddamn mind. Just because
Kylie Jenner said so you pinned this look to your festival fashion inspo board doesn’t make you original. Instead try these Khaleesi-inspired braids. This style will make you feel like breeding dragons and destroying men, and if there’s a better way to dress while listening to mainstream music with rich people dressed like homeless hippies then I’d like to hear it. Seriously, I’ll wait…
This just in: Tiaras are the new flower crowns because Beyoncé said so. For real though, Bey started the trend by showing (everyone) up like a fucking queen at the Grammys. But if you’re feeling weird about showing up in a full-on golden headdress then try wearing a simple, delicate tiara. It has that “let them eat cake” vibe that’s V popular in the White House these days. And it still says everything you were hoping to convey on your Instagram story: that people should not stomp their last season Prada shoes at you, honey.
3. Blue Lips
Pinterest has spoken and dark blue lip color is the official color of spring. TBH this color is speaking to my soul right now. It’s V edgy and though there’s a 100% chance that this will end up all over your face by the end of the day this color will definitely set you apart from the basic AF crowd. Speaking from experience, just brace yourself for the inevitable “you just blew a Smurf” jokes.
4. Pink Eye Makeup
The bad news if you wear your makeup like this people are going to think you’ve been snorting Adderall for three days. The good news is, it’s Coachella so everyone’s snorting Adderall for days! You’ll fit right in, kid.
5. Metallic Nails
Chic, edgy, and it doesn’t require your nails to take a trip to Claire’s to get pierced. You’re welcome.
6. All Glitter Everything
Glitter at a music festival? Groundbreaking. TBH I could’ve written my entire senior thesis on Coachella’s toxic relationship with glitter but sadly my professor didn’t think there was enough “merit” to the subject matter. So rude. Regardless, glitter is the ultimate trend at music festivals and amongst casual drug users. #TheMoreYouKnow. There’s not enough time in my day to list all the ways you can
embarrass your mother wear glitter so I’m just going to list the ones that are the least offensive to me, k?
At the roots of your hair:
Cover up your dandruff and/or oily roots with glitter and dry shampoo = festival logic.
As an under eye accent:
Same logic as above but replace “nasty-ass hair” with “ever-expanding under-eye bags”.
As a highlighter:
Honestly, no objections to this look.
7. Braid Chains
The best way to arm yourself from all the bullshit that’s bound to go down this festival season is with armor…for your hair. Seriously though, this hair accessory gives off some serious Bad Gal RiRi “don’t fuck with me” vibes, and I am about it. Plus it’ll make your Forever21 high-waisted shorts and crochet bikini top seem less slutty-on-a-budget and more slutty-with-money. Which is always my end goal when it comes to choosing outfit accessories.